6/30 - 7/6
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions.
Lilacs and Virginity
Entry Dates
Monday, June 30, 2025 – Sunday, July 6, 2025
Themes of the Week
Borderline episode, highly symptomatic
Navigating the difference between expectations and reality
Coming to terms with my limitations
Being able to validate myself
Building self-compassion
Acceptance
Monday, June 30, 2025
8:12 pm
I had my annual checkup with my gynecologist (Dr), today. She asked if I needed to go back on some form of contraception. I said no. Not now, not with my mental being so bad. I said I’m just going to focus on being healthy and loving myself for right now. And as I uttered those words softly but confidently, Dr leaned over and hugged me so hard, and kissed my cheek, and said, “good job,” and that she’s so proud of me. And when she pulled away and went back to talking about medicine, her voice was shaky and there were tears in her teal blue eyes - And God knows there were tears in mine.
(Positive Emotions Processed) Accepted, beautiful, caring, cared for, cherished, comfortable, comforted, forgiving (self), grateful, joy, peace, loving, loved, hope, safe, secure, trust, understood, proud (self), warm, welcomed
(Negative Emotions Processed) Embarrassment, shame, guilt, sorry, insecure
Tuesday, July 1, 2025
4:53 am
I'm afraid everyone is mad at me.
6:22 am
Sometimes I look at other girls and I want to kill myself. Girls who smell like lilacs and virginity when they sweat. Girls who don’t make wrinkles when they smile.
8:02 am
“Weekends in the mountains, in the mountains
Picnics under rainbows and rainbows
Kissing under waterfalls, that's not love
The flowers ain't working, when you gonna show up?
Throwing pennies in the fountain, the fountain
Lying on my payroll, my payroll
Kissing under waterfalls, waterfalls
That's not love
Love is you and me, babe…”
(Waterfalls, by Luke Christopher)
Now I'm thinking about someone special, and I’m sending him my love. I haven’t seen him in a real long time, haven’t taken a swim in those big, kind, doe eyes. I miss him. I wonder if he misses me. Is it wrong if I hope so? I don’t think so… Because I also hope, wherever he is, he’s wearing a smile.
8:10 pm
I wanna scream. Lump in my throat, ready to cry… kinda sorta wanting to die. It’s too much. This is too much. I’m doing too much. Last week I was so high I thought I could do it all. Work full-time, go back to school in the fall. Plus, all the other responsibilities - Cooking, cleaning, self-care… Time to breathe… Breathe. Air. God I can’t fucking breathe.
8:30-something pm
I tell Dad I’m overwhelmed. He could tell. I don’t scream. I don’t throw things. I have made progress. Still, I’m overwhelmed. Dad is sitting across from me. Tears rush down my cheeks. Trembling voice, trembling lips saying,
“I can’t, I can’t - I can’t do this.”
“I always do this; I can’t stop myself. I can’t stop; I can’t stop. I take on too much… Always more, more, more… Always more, never enough.”
Dad steadies me, resting his hands on my bent knees. I fold myself into a ball, a fetus looking for protection from itself. My eyes wander. They itch. My body is restless, I twitch. Dad is ready, prepared for a physical blow. I feel his sadness, and I am sorry. I love him so.
Dad holds me still, but I can’t bear to be touched. Not now. I don’t want it. I shake him off. “No,” I say. “I can’t.” More tears. I can’t bear to be touched; I don’t want it… And yet, it is all I want - to be held, to be comforted because I can’t seem to comfort myself. Not now. But I will, I know that. Right now, everything is black. But this too shall pass. It always does…
…
I’m feeling calmer now, I’m coming back down. I play Dad Waterfalls (Luke Christopher) and let today’s entry blend in perfect harmony with the melody. I wonder if he knows who “someone” is, when I read about his eyes… And that one little thought warms my heart, yeah, it makes me wear a smile.
(Negative Emotions Processed) Frantic, helpless, trapped, insecure, inadequate, inferior, fear, worry, scared, hopeless, despair, unsafe, worried, alone
(Positive Emotions Processed) Accepting, blameless, calm, capable, trust, peace, hope, strong, proud, brave, forgiving, caring/cared for, supported, loving/loved, trust, safe, secure, grateful, warm, welcomed, understood
9:47 pm
Head in hands,
Fidgeting fingers,
Flailing wrists.
Help,
Help.
I can't,
I can't.
I don't sleep,
I'm so tired but I can't sleep.
Mom tells Dad,
“She says she's tired, but she can't sleep…”
Dad rubs my head,
“Get ready for bed,
And I'll come up,
And rub your head,
And sit with you,
All through the night,
Sit with you,
Until you have peace of mind,
Sit with you,
Until you can sit with yourself,
Sit with you,
Until you can sleep.”
10:18 pm
Dad asked if I wanted to take a little NyQuil - Just a little hit, just to help me sleep, just for tonight. I shook my head no, Dad doesn't know, but I used to have a problem. NyQuil and Benadryl, to help me sleep at night. NyQuil and Benadryl to ease the pain. NyQuil and Benadryl to quiet my mind. Now they do nothing for me; their point has been made moot. Now they’re tired of me - Yeah, they’re tired of me, tired and abused.
Mom came upstairs with me to say goodnight. She asked if she could give me a kiss, she knows, knows I can't bear to be touched - not when I'm like this. I nodded yes, and she kissed the top of my head. “You know Dad and I will do anything," she said “To make your dreams come true." And yes, yes, I do. Then Mom said she loved me, and that she's sorry, sorry life is so hard for me, “I had no idea," she said. I told Mom I loved her too, and then she left me in my own company - a place I used to despise. But tonight, even in my low state, I decided to make friends with myself and be at peace.
Wednesday July 2, 2025
4:52 am
I'm just thinking about last night. I remember something. A thought. A feeling. When I was walking upstairs, on my way to my loving bed. It was so loud inside my mind - Bursting with a million noisy thoughts... But they were all moving too fast for me to catch... All except one... One thought... One feeling... I thought of Him. I thought of Him, and I missed Him.
“If I was the question, would you be my answer?
If I was the music, would you be the dancer?
If I was the student, would you be the teacher?
If I was the sinner, would you be the preacher?
Would you be my...
N' dun d-dun dun
I still got a lot of shit to learn, I'll admit it
N' dun d-dun dun
I still got a lot of shit to learn, I'll admit it…”
(Lot to Learn, by Luke Christopher)
…
9:52 pm
“... It just hurts very much... To love someone who doesn't love you back..."
Send.
Thursday July 3, 2025
11:13 pm
I see lilacs. I taste virginity. I see the girl he moved on with. He tastes her, not me.
Friday July 4, 2025
7:00 am
Perfume twisted in my braids. Chantilly vanilla blends with soft florals and cocoa shell, spiced with tonka bean. Better than lilacs and virginity? I pray he thinks so... But all the vanilla and flowers in the world will not cover the stench of my broken hymen.
Saturday July 5, 2025
10:09 am
We're stopped. At a standstill on a hill. Red light. A train decorated with bright graffiti bellows by. I think about hopping on, riding the rails, seeing the world… I’d spend my days exploring sleepy vineyards, making friends with wild beasts, and sipping strawberry wine. I’d frequent the cheapest local dinners for breakfast at every stop, and I would order without fear or hesitation. I would never skip dessert, and I would make it my mission to sample every kind of pie on the menu: Cherry, chocolate mousse, coconut cream, and key lime… I’d lose track, but that would be just fine. I’d take myself dancing in the night, making love to the sound of my own laugh, twirling and tumbling, getting lost among the tracks. I’d go skinny dipping in a black lake, surrounded by great pines. Bathed in moonlight, I’d be spotted by some rugged traveler. He’d be dressed in tattoos, and wear a crooked grin, but have a straight smile. I’d make him my play thing, just for the night. We’d make love in the water, then smoke among the weeds. We’d get drunk off cheap moonshine, and I’d ask him to get a tat that looks just like me. So, we’d rush into town, high off substances, high off fake “love.” I’d hold his hand and play with his hair, watching him get inked up, and falling more and more in “love” with each rhythmic “buzz.” We’d feast on gas station scallops and fresh-picked raspberries. Then he’d take me dancing in some sweaty, sordid pit that would make Dante’s Inferno blush. I’d tip the bouncer with my panties and flash the room before we left - Just because you only live once, so what the heck. Finally, we’d make our way back to the pines, and fall asleep under the stars, our bodies intertwined. But with the rising of the sun, I would leave him there, with a kiss on his head, his body still bare. He’d awake in a trance, without me by his side. Left with nothing but a mermaid tattoo that looks kinda just like me… A mermaid tattoo, and his broken pride…
Yes, a train is blocking my path, but today, I dream of dancing on top of it, instead of dying underneath it.
Sunday July 6, 2025
1:23 pm
“... Someone said you had your tattoo removed
Saw you downtown singing the blues
Its time to face the music
I'm no longer your muse…”
(The One That Got Away, by Katy Perry)
Now He wears a watch, but not the one that I got Him.
And He lives in a uniform, but not the one that I lost Him in.
His left sleeve is inked black like my eyes;
His bicep a shrine to some blonde girl’s thighs.
But if you look closely, then you will see,
Her silhouette attempts to erase a mermaid -
A mermaid that kinda looks just like me…
5:23 pm
“She knows (ayy)
(Bad things happen to the people you love)
(And you find yourself praying up to heaven above)
(But honestly, I've never had much sympathy)
('Cause those bad things, I always saw them coming for me)
(I'm gonna run, run away) oh, I (run, run away, run away), oh, I-I-I
(Run away and never come back) well, alright
(I'm gonna run, run away) oh, I (run, run away, run away), oh, I-I-I
(Show 'em that your color is black) well, alright…”
(She Knows, by J. Cole, featuring Amber Coffman & Cults)
…
He knows
I'm bad
No filter
Said things
So many things
I shouldn't have
I'm evil
I'm wrong
I'm bad
He's watching me
He's coming to get me
...
Idk the time
Another episode
All the time now
Brain on fire
Head in hands
Restless
Rocking
Shaking
Whining
Tears
“I need to go,”
“I need to go,”
“I can't be here,”
“I can't be here,”
…
“I did something bad,"
“I'm a bad person,”
“I did something bad…”
Mom asks, “What did you do?”
Dad is holding me,
“You are ok,”
“You are not a bad person,”
“We love you.”
But Mom says, “You have to tell us what you did…”
“Were you with ______ (like you said)?”
“Yes.”
I was.
...
But someone else was there,
And I said too much.
7:59 pm
My head hurts
It's itchy
It's buzzing
Throbbing
Loud
On fire
Hands pull and rip hair
Rocking
Shaking
Quaking
GET IT OUT
GET IT OUT
please dear god...
get it out
8:51 pm
“It's fine,”
“You're fine,”
“You're not a bad person,”
“You're safe,”
“You're fine…”
…
I told Mom and Dad I had to go
Go somewhere else
Go somewhere far away from here
Go go
I have to go
Walking
Pacing
Frantic
Racing
Go
Go
Go
Get out
Get out
Get OUT
…
I awake from my slumber, but my eyes were never closed
I awake in a panic because I didn't know
If I put my shoes away
Away
Away
After I came in
Came in from doing bad things
I did something bad
I was bad
I am a bad person
I did something bad
I was bad
I am bad
I am bad
And I don't deserve to live
9:02 pm
I can't move
All I want to do is sleep
I feel trapped in my body
A cage
It's crushing me
…
I miss my high
Now I'm in the downs
And God they kill me
... They try to
Whispers in my ears
“Kill yourself, you ugly bitch"
“Kill yourself, you worthless waste of space”
“Kill yourself"
“Eat dirt and die trash"
“Fuck you"
“He will never love you"
“Whore"
“Slut"
“Bitch"
“Cunt"
“I hope you die"
“Here's a knife"
“Here's a gun"
Use it.
9:09 pm
Messages:
“Do you wanna just have sex? If you're ever free…”
