6/28 - 6/29
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions.
I’m King of the World
Entry Dates
Saturday, June 28, 2025 – Sunday, July 29, 2025
Themes of the Week
Coming off a “manic” episode
Finding fulfillment from within myself
Being able to validate myself
Acceptance
Saturday, June 28, 2025
Idk the time, late… Too late…
I feel like I could just keep going and going, and writing and writing… Last night I was pacing my room in circles, giggling like a wild hyena. I felt like Jack Dawson in Titanic… Not when he’s dying, God no! - When he’s standing out on the prow of that cursed ship saying, “I’m king of the world!” Yeah, yeah, that was me last night. Cause I was giggling, and I was happy, and I was high, and I just felt so damn good, so damn good to be alive! …
The night is my worst time you see. Yeah, last night I had the zoomies as I like to call them. And here they are again! I feel like I could just keep going and going, but I can’t. I need sleep, cause I gotta get up tomorrow and work out ‘cause if I don’t, then I feel like I’m gonna die, yeah, yeah, I need that high, I need that fucking high… I gotta sleep, yeah I do. But gosh darn this feels so good! Like I don’t wanna come down, not like I did this morning. I woke up feeling like someone had beaten the living shit out of me. That’s how I feel after every episode. I wish people understood that, how much it takes out of me… Yeah, yeah, I need sleep tho. OK, OK.
…
Kk, so I gotta go to bed, but I’m so chatty… Hi, hi, do you know what I was just thinking? I was just thinking about Mr. Jack Dawson, and I was thinking ‘bout that part - That part where Jack is on the prow of the ship talking ‘bout being king, and he’s feeling so high, and I was just thinking that poor baby didn’t even know - He didn’t even know he was gonna die…
And that’s kinda like me, cause one moment I’m feeling so good and so high and so alive, and the next moment I’m going down, down, down - drowning and fighting for my life. And do you know what I'm thinking now??? Well do ya??? Do ya??? …
I’m just thinking that you probably never feel more alive than the moment right before you die.
Sunday, June 29, 2025
8:46 pm
Earlier today I went on Instagram (never a good idea), and saw a wedding post, a bridal shower post, and a pregnancy announcement post. Sometimes I feel like everyone’s out there having a much better time than me… Or at least a much easier time than me.
(Negative Emotions Processed) Alone, lonely, sad, empty, unfulfilled, insecure, inadequate, inferior, hopeless, embarrassed, shame, bitter, jealous, let down, disappointed
But then I got to thinking - I might not be a glowing Mrs who smells of sweet, tangy citrus with a baby on the way, but that doesn’t mean my life is any less valuable… My life may look a lot different, but it’s sweet too - Like popping cherries in July.
(Positive Emotions Processed) Accepting, alive, beautiful, blameless, calm, capable, self-care, cherished, comfortable, confident, content, delighted, eager, excited, forgiving, fulfilled, grateful, happy, hopeful, joy, love, passionate, peace, pleased, quiet, safe, satisfied, secure, self-reliant, special, trust, warm.
