7/7 - 7/13
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions.
A Bloodhound at Chipotle
Entry Dates
Monday, July 7, 2025 – Sunday, July 13, 2025
Themes of the Week
Borderline episode, highly symptomatic
Coming to terms with losses, grieving the loss of the “ideal” recovery – Recovery is an ongoing process, and it isn’t always smooth sailing.
Being able to validate myself
Building self-compassion
Forgiveness and acceptance
Monday, July 7, 2025
4:00 am
Alarms
Alarms going off
Panic
Panic
I'm being watched
Eyes on me
They're coming for me
Now
Dreams
Bad dreams
High school halls
But I couldn't find Him anywhere
4:13 am
I almost texted him. Almost. Should I now? I need sex. I miss him. I ruined it. I'm so sorry...
4:34 am
“... And she knows, she knows (bad things happen to the people you love)
And I know she knows, and I know she knows (and you find yourself praying up to heaven above)
Deep down, she knows, she knows (but honestly, I've never had much sympathy)
And I know she knows, and I know she knows ('cause those bad things, I always saw them coming for me)
Well, alright (I'm gonna run, run away), oh, I (run, run away, run away), oh, I-I-I
(Run away and never come back) I can't be what you want from me, well, alright
(I'm gonna run, run away), oh, I (run, run away, run away), oh, I-I-I
(Run away and never come back) I can't be what you want from me, well, alright…”
(She Knows, J. Cole, featuring Amber Coffman & Cults)
…
Speeding
Flying
Crossing lines
They're coming
They're coming
They see me
They see me
Sex
Sex
I need it now
I'll find it now
I need it
I'm so bad
I need it
They see me
Help
Me
Fuck
Me
Help
Help
I gotta get out of here
Now
Now
Now
Please
Please
please stop looking at me
4:58 am
I need it
Should I
Someone's coming
They'll be here soon
I'm waiting
Waiting
Waiting
...
They see me
5:18 am
I just don't understand how God could put so much pain on one person.
6:30 am
My eyes are open, but I can't see. Waves of heat wash over me. I'm losing touch. I’m losing my reality.
9:01 am
I went upstairs to shower like always. But I felt so tired. The downs hit me hard yesterday. I was thinking I hadn’t had a down like this since April - When I went to the ER because I wanted to die - I was thinking that, and I decided to lie down on the bathroom floor. I curled myself up into a tight little ball on the cold, hard bathroom tile. Reeking of sweat and tasting of tears. I dozed in and out of sleep until Mom came up and found me. I had sent her some unhinged text a couple hours earlier - About everyone hating me, and eyes watching me, and people coming to hunt me and find me…
Mom sat down next to me and rubbed my head. She said I didn’t do anything wrong. That it was all OK; that I was OK. Then Dad was there too, and I emerged from the womb I made on the floor to greet him. I sat up, hugging my knees to my chest, hands clutching my toes - adorned in white Nike ankle socks. I played with my feet as Mom and Dad comforted me.
They said, “Look how far you’ve come, and so much good is yet to come…” I tell them the ups and downs are still here, and they’re so bad, and I make a wave with my hand. Dad says he knows, he knows. But Dad said my ups are getting stronger… And maybe that’s why my downs hurt so bad. Because I don’t want them anymore, I just want to live my life… And maybe that’s part of the problem… When I’m feeling good, I just want to do it all, so I take on more, and more, and more… Until I’m suffocating beneath the load of goodness…
I’m not going to accomplish all of my goals in a single day. I have to prioritize; I have to make a healthy and realistic plan. And I will. But first, I have to shower. So, Mom and Dad left me, and I got undressed. I let the hot water wash away the downs, time to reset.
This cycle is exhausting - the ups and the downs, but Mom and Dad are right, it’s getting better. Overall, I am making progress. And I will go through this cycle as many times as it takes to break it. Each time I come closer, each time I get stronger. I am Sisyphus, and this is my task. I push my boulder up the hill, endlessly. But today, I stop. I let it go. And instead of crushing me, I crush it.
(Positive Emotions Processed) Capable, strong, courageous, brave, proud, self-reliant, hopeful, peace, joy, warm, eager, excited, happy
(Negative Emotions Processed) Uncertain, worried, fear, insecure, embarrassed, helpless
Tuesday, July 8, 2025
4:32 am
Why are boys so mean?
5:14 pm
My friend - my guardian angel - called me with news. She saw a man who once called me beautiful out with another girl. It’s no big deal though. The two of us bumped into him at Walmart. We passed by him a couple times, and he almost snapped his neck trying to look back at me. I let my eyes tell him I wanted him, just for fun. I let my eyes tell him I wanted him ‘cause he wanted me, and I liked that… Yeah, I didn’t want that feeling to fade away… So I was like, what the heck, let’s play. My friend introduced us, and I shook his soggy hand. He was tall and muscular, every man’s man. Tatted and tan, his jewelry was loud... I thought it made him look cheap, I felt overwhelmed. He called me beautiful, so I turned my back, but my girl and I – We kept close tabs. And here I was thinking he was out lost at sea, helpless and hopeless, waiting for me… But today my phone rang and my girl broke the news, yeah she’s saying, “Omg baby girl, you’ll never believe who I just saw - Out at Chipotle - With a girl who kinda looks just like you…”
Wednesday, July 9, 2025
7:12 pm
I was ready to kiss him. Ready to kiss him,, ready to “love” him, in that booth he knows like home. Yeah, I was ready, I powdered my nose, put fresh lip gloss on, and popped a stick of gum. Ready to feel a high, ready to feel some “love.” Now I’ve seen this guy before a handful of times, he’d pay for my parking, and I’d drive away feeling so good and so high… So good and so high… But tonight, he barely looked at me, and he let me pay my own way. I drove away tasting stale gum - the taste of a broken heart - and I wondered what changed, as I felt the fading sun on my face.
“... Baby, can I hit it in the morning, ah?
Can I hit it in the morning, yeah?
Can I hit it in the morning?
The sun rising while you moanin'...”
(In the Morning, J. Cole, featuring Drake)
7:31 pm
Erratic. I swerve my car to make the exit. Before I know it, I’m running into some random store off the highway. Frantic, ravenous, thirsty for blood. A hound dog on the hunt. I need someone. I need someone. Fucking anyone… But I didn’t catch a single eye, so I left. Left with a broken heart, no longer tasting stale gum… Just tasting nothing, because my tongue was completely numb.
Thursday, July 10, 20205
10:21 am
“… I didn't know you'd have brown eyes
Like to pray to Jesus spendin' Friday nights at home
Didn't know you'd be the strong kind
Deeper than a coal mine lovin' with a heart of gold
And you're everythin' that I'm not, everythin' that I want
There's a God, n' baby you're proof
In those brown eyes, I know that I got to find
A better me for you…”
(Better Me For You (Brown Eyes), Max Mcnown)
Usually, when I hear some sappy song like that playing’ I think ‘bout some boy… But today, I’m thinking ‘bout some girl… Me.
“In those brown eyes, I know that I got to find
A better me for you…”
Saturday, July 12, 2025
12:04 pm
I watch him kiss her goodbye. She's about my age. Ripped jeans caress her thighs, and her tiny black T plays peek-a-boo with eyes around the room. He visits her every Saturday at work. Brings her a coffee, a coffee and a kiss. I wonder if anyone will ever love me enough to do that - Take time out of their day just to see my smile, just to feel my kiss... And as she walks past me now, I see an iced matcha stain on her lips, and I can almost taste his love.
(Negative Emotions Processed) Sad, alone, lonely, jealous, bitter, helpless, hopeless, despair, disappointed, let down, hurt, worthless, insecure, inadequate, shame, guilt, blame (self), hate (self) (mild), desperate, misunderstood
(Positive Emotions Processed) Hope, peace, content, satisfied, trust, grateful, strong, secure, self-reliant, relaxed, joy, happy, caring (self, other), understanding, accepting, independent, powerful, brave, courageous, warm
Sunday, July 13, 2025
10:34 am
“I’ll miss you.”
What a blessing; to be missed.
(Positive Emotions Processed) Cared for/caring, loved, grateful, warm, welcomed, safe, trust, peace, calm, respected, valued, safe, secure, hope, joy, happy
(Negative Emotions Processed) Sad, bittersweet, uncertain, distrust, shame, guilt
