10/20 - 10/23 pt1
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions. My initial emotions will often sound extreme, but that’s the BPD talking. The Borderline Diaries put those emotions out there, because we can’t understand what we can’t see. The Borderline Diaries are me talking - sorting through my emotions to get to my healthy feelings, my healthy relationships, and my healthy life.
Themes Of The Week
This week I was still struggling to return to baseline after the events of last week. At the beginning of the week, I was in a low state and highly irritable. My weekend episode left me physically and mentally exhausted, and finding myself post-episode proved difficult. I was also dealing with the after-effects of my episode induced behavior… And I don’t want to spoil anything, but that someone that I used to know? … Yeah… Well, you didn’t actually think that was going anywhere did you? - You always know better than me in that sense… Enough said.
… Anyways… The aftermath of one of my episodes is always brutal and ever-reaching, rearing its ugly head in all areas of my life and creating lasting damage. So this week was all about damage control… Or lack thereof… Instead of utilizing healthy coping mechanisms, I fell into old and destructive thought patterns and habits. I capitalized on my lingering state of hypersexuality and self-fueled my sex addiction, I also sought sexual validation from other men (special thanks to cough, cough that someone that I used to know cough, cough). Then there was the reactivation of my trusty old eating disorder, which I used as a faulty crutch in a race against myself. As I write this to you now (on Sunday, October 26, 2025 at 2:18 pm), I am able to see the full picture of the stormy week behind me. In recognizing the motivations behind my recent symptoms, I am better able to work through those emotions and finally return to my baseline. I won’t lie, sometimes it feels like a never-ending cycle, and I am truly exhausted. Still, I remind myself of how far I’ve come… How quickly this episode passed, how it could have been much worse… Not like the last one where I was left on my knees on the floor of some shady man’s apartment… Next to a Taco Bell box and a half-eaten jar of Ragu sauce. Ew… I shudder at the thought… Shame… Sadness… Self-hate… No. - I won’t let myself go down that road. I acknowledge those emotions, they deserve to be seen and heard. But I will not let them live rent free in my head. Rather, I make space for forgiveness, joy, and self-love. Love. As I prepare for the birth of the new week ahead, I will focus on finding love for myself. Fuck love? No, love is my bride. I value her, I treat her with respect, and I kneel down before her to ask her to be my wife. Love.
Heightened irritability
Feeling burnout
Feeling alone
Sadness, hurt, loss, and grief
Who is to blame?
Seeking validation from others, learning to validate myself
Anger and shame
Forgiving myself for engaging in destructive behaviors rather using positive coping mechanisms
Turning things around, processing my emotions
Getting back on track in my recovery and finding a mental state of integration, peace, and balance
Fuck Love
Part I
Entry Dates
Monday, October 20, 2025 – Thursday, October 23, 2025
Monday, October 20, 2025
6:42 am
I’m running on the treadmill and I’m not in the mood to be around other human beings. That’s what I told Mom yesterday when I went to my aunt’s house to be alone… “I just can’t bear to have anyone around me right now…”
Then last night I came down for dinner after napping and I did not speak. I was just so exhausted, and in so much mental agony. I flashed back to the years I spent in a catatonic state, almost completely mute… Those terrible years after He left and my illness consumed me… Yeah, last night I flashed back, and I know Mom and Dad did too… Back to the years when they lost their little girl…
“Can we do anything to help?” Mom asked, trying to keep the pleading out of her voice, as I stumbled back upstairs after dinner.
“I just need sleep.” I managed to half grunt, half growl out, tears weighing heavy on my voice, and pain weighing heavy on my heart.
“Just let us know…” Mom said after me, but she let me go…
…
Sleep did not resolve my inability to be near other living things. And this morning, as I run on the treadmill, and see him walk in, I am filled with violent rage. I pretend to watch the TV to my right, opposite to where he is. It’s on some sports channel, showing replays from a baseball game… I don’t like sports, but I pretend to be invested… After all, I do like baseball players though…
My attempt at avoiding this man I loathe fails, as he walks up to me, bellowing out, “My God, look at you go,” and, “Good morning, good morning,” and “ I won’t interrupt you, but, you’re doing great, keep it up!”
I don’t even look at him. My eyes are filled with so much hate I swear to God I would kill him with a single glance. So I stare straight ahead and manage to bark out a cold, “Good morning.” and “Thank you.”
A wild animal under attack, my muscles are tense, my eyes are cagey, and every hair on my body is standing up and on edge. All I can think is, “Don’t come near me.” “Don’t talk to me.” “Get the fuck away from me.” … “I won’t interrupt you…?” You already did. And I hate you for it. Yes, I hate you so much.
… But not nearly as much… As I hate myself…
…
I feel justified in my anger. Justified, and hateful, and alive, and attractive, and sexy, and powerful. But all of those, “I’m the king of world,” kinds of feelings don’t ever last… And they’re always quickly replaced with shame, self-hate, guilt, sorry, fear of abandonment, and the belief that I am evil…
I know I’m splitting… And this individual - The one who to be fair did interrupt my run (literally nothing I hate more on this earth than being interrupted during a workout, like literally don’t talk to me right now!) - Anyways, this individual is someone I split on regularly… I don’t really know what it is… And I don’t think it’s completely fair… But then again… Like Mom always says, maybe sometimes my reactions are wrong, or at least too strong… But my instincts? My instincts are never wrong. And my instinct about him? Well, let’s just say all people have two sides… And I know for a fact his second side is not so nice.
2:22 pm
Messages:
Me:
Always I'll send you more later
…
Oh, haven’t I learned anything from loving all my boys? Never say never, never say forever, and there is no such thing as always…
3:24 pm
“... We don't have to take our clothes off
To have a good time, oh no
We could dance and party all night
And drink some cherry wine, oh-oh…”
…
(We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off, by Ella Eyre)
“Ok, so you guys are just sexting…”
“Yeah…”
Yeah.
“I know I have to be careful with my emotions. I’m just telling myself it’s not going anywhere.”
3:33 pm
“I don’t know about you, but my seasonal depression is in full swing…”
Maybe that’s it, maybe that’s it…
8:38 pm
Hey. I need sleep. I’m going to take some NyQuil because I really think I need to. Right? Maybe I shouldn’t… I don’t know…
Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I’m doing OK. I felt better as the day went on, I even laughed… Yeah, I’m doing OK, I really am. But I need sleep now… Sleep… And to send more… Just like I said I was going to… Awee fuck… I’m tired…
…
“I know I have to be careful with my emotions. I’m just telling myself it’s not going anywhere.”
Come on now, Veronica, take your own advice…
Tuesday, October 21, 2025
8:23 am
Our “hi,” and “bye,” exchange was as breezy as ever this morning… And God, I know I’m crazy, but I was seeing the way he was looking at me… And this weekend I saw him there - In that place I wasn’t supposed to see… But based on the way he was looking at me just then, I’m thinking he saw me there too - In that place I wasn’t supposed to be…
2:16 pm
I’m off today, thank God. For the past I don’t know how many months I've been running myself ragged… I swear the burnout was going to kill me… I’m finally giving myself permission to pull back, to find balance in my schedule, and make time for the things I truly enjoy… And time to just rest and breathe! So I’m sorry I’ve been quiet today, my darling, but that’s exactly what I’ve been doing today - Giving myself time to just rest and breathe.
2:34 pm
Messages:
Me (to Mom and Dad):
I wanted to apologize for my behavior this weekend. I think that the burnout from the past months, especially last week, finally caught up with me. I also will check in with my medication provider because I feel like I had another "manic" high/followed by a depressive low this weekend. 😔 I don't think the change in seasons + dark and cold is helping anything either. 😅😂
But I wanted to say I'm sorry and thank you both for everything you do to take care of me, I love you very much! ❤️❤️❤️
2:37 pm
I’m just sitting here on the couch, catching up on some emails, and writing. I’m sipping peppermint tea, and I have Downton Abbey playing on the TV as a form of lovely, comforting background noise. The episode playing is my favorite - season 3, episode 3. In it, Lady Edith is left at the altar… Left standing there… Beautiful and pure, radiant in white…
I see myself on the screen, as I watch Lady Edith return to the abbey in tears, racing up to her room, and tossing her tiara and cathedral veil down the cascading staircase. Her veil seems to hang suspended in the air for a brief moment in time. I hold my breath, and for an instant I see my cell… Alone… With only a blood stained white sheet for company… Like rose petals in the snow… Then, Lady Edith’s veil flutters gently to the ground below, and I release my breath in full. And now I think, maybe even more than I see myself in Lady Edith herself, I see myself in her veil… So beautiful and fragile… Yet discarded and blamed…
…
Yes, this episode is my very favorite, because I relate to it so much… And that feels good - To see someone else surviving the same pain you are in, knowing you are not alone, giving you hope… I hope that’s what I do for you, that is my one and only goal.
Do you know what my favorite line is? - Out of the entire series? It’s in this episode of course, an exchange between the jilted Lady Edith, and her mother, Lady Grantham. Lady Edith lays in her canopied bed, her wedding gown parachuting out around her, her body bent and broken like the scene of a crime. Lady Grantham lays with her, and holding her close, she tells her beloved but disgraced daughter, “You are being tested. And do you know what they say my darling: Being tested only makes you stronger.” Poor Lady Edith replies with tears in her eyes - the same way there were once tears in mine - “I don’t think it’s working with me!”
And neither did I.
Oh but it was, my darling me, you just had to give it time…
2:53 pm
Messages:
Dad (response to my earlier message):
Thank you Hon - that's very sweet! 🙂❤️
We know you appreciate it. We love you so much, and we are so proud of you. You're finding your way - with a lot of hard work - and we see the progress you're making every day. In the tough moments you might not feel like there's progress, but there is. If it feels like an uphill climb, maybe that's ok? Uphill climbs are upward bound, higher every day. Your best times are coming. 🙂❤️
3:02 pm
Messages:
Mom (response to my earlier message)
I totally agree with Dad. And thank you for the note. It means a lot. 😊💕
4:43 pm
“... But we might just get away with it
Religion's in your lips
Even if it's a false god
We'd still worship
…
We might just get away with it
The altar is my hips
Even if it's a false god
We'd still worship this love
…
We'd still worship this love
We'd still worship this love…”
…
(False God, by Taylor Swift)
…
He’s been very responsive today - That someone I used to know… Although I’m certain his responsiveness is entirely due to the nature of our conversation… Or lack thereof…
… And now I’m out walking, taking in the sky, thinking what I should next reply… He makes me feel like cotton candy, but tonight the sky ahead of me does not reflect my soft, sweet, and colorful feeling… Rather, the sky is grey… Hopelessly grey…
… Or is it? … Because yes, the sky is dark and grey, filled with clouds that want to cry… But they hold their tears for me, and find comfort in sunny silver linings painted along the horizon.
Perhaps the sky reflects what is in store for us - For me and that someone I used to know… As detached as I feel now, I am prepared to suffer his loss, I am prepared to say, “goodbye,” and I am prepared for it to hurt me even more deeply than last time. Yes, I am prepared to be the veil he leaves hanging in the darkened sky… I am prepared… But I also will not lose hope. Because like with anything in life, who knows where this is going? And isn’t that just so incredible, and beautiful, and fun! So maybe he’ll leave me hanging, but fear not, I know I will survive… But maybe, just maybe, he will crown me with a veil, and walk with me down the aisle… Maybe instead of leaving me hanging… He’ll help me fly.
…
And hey, we might as well have some fun while the story unfolds, right? … So I’m texting him now, “I’ll send you more tonight…”
Daily Connection
Emotions around my recent communication with that someone I used to know:
Negative Emotions Processed: Uncertain, hesitant, apprehensive, distrust, sad, dependent (very, very minor), worried, empty
Positive Emotions Processed: Confident, secure, strong, self-reliant, capable, independent (healthy), attractive, good, excited, flirty, fun, joy
… And also… Indifferent… Whatever this is or isn’t, or becomes or doesn’t… It’s all okay… And I believe that to be true, wholeheartedly.
7:35 pm
OMG! Did I tell you??? No??? How could I forget?! - I officially applied to nursing school! Yup, that’s right! I actually submitted my application yesterday. I am so excited and proud of myself! I hope I get in and can start this spring semester in January, but I know that whatever happens it will all work out. I am on my way! And just like Dad said, my best times are coming.
8:23 pm
Email to my medication provider:
Hi XXXX ,
I just wanted to send you an update because I experienced a significant "high" period this past weekend, where I was exhibiting symptoms we have been watching with the medication (namely hypersexuality/promiscuity/sexual impulsivity). I am in a good place now, but I'd like to process this more with you. I'm wondering if the behavior I experienced this weekend is borderline related (/a processing issue), or something more concerning.
If you think this is something we should process together sooner rather than later let me know. I'm not sure if we could just move up our appointment, or have a brief phone check in. Again, let me know.
Thank you!
Veronica
Wednesday, October 22, 2025
5:12 am
“... We don't have to take our clothes off
To have a good time, oh no
We could dance and party all night
And drink some cherry wine, oh-oh…”
…
(We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off, by Ella Eyre)
…
Ughhh to double text or not… I don't know, I don't know.
Maybe I will… But maybe I won't… God forbid he thinks I care.
And I know what I've said about being indifferent, but still I wonder, where is this going?
8:39 am
I double texted… Not immediately, not desperately… Cooly, confidently, calmly. I am in control of this situation and my emotions around it. The less I care the better. And I don’t care. Not one little bit.
… Which is good because honestly, I don’t think he’ll respond. He got what he wanted, right?
It’s all good though, because I don’t care, remember.
But if I really don’t care, then why does the thought of him not responding make me feel worried and sad? …
8:26 pm
He’s been quiet… That someone that I used to know. He messaged me this morning, and I responded 4 or so hours later… I was busy, I wasn’t filled with desperation or putting him off… I wasn’t trying to beat him at some game of cat and mouse… Not really…
Now it’s been almost 8 hours since I texted. Nothing. And I’m thinking I won’t hear from him again. Not now. Not now that he got what he wanted. I wonder if he realizes I make other men pay for what he gets for free… Well that one’s on me… Still, I wonder if he realizes he won the lottery with me.
… But much like the winning ticket… I am discarded despite my value.
I wish I didn’t feel sad, but I do.
… Or maybe not so much sad as lonely. I mean I’m not surprised, I expected another ghost-like goodbye… But all my expectations, and all my preparations will never overcome the intense loneliness I feel.
8:39 pm
Do you know what I was thinking earlier today? - Earlier today, when I was driving home, coming to terms with the fact that I will likely not hear from that someone I used to know again (or at least not anytime soon…) - I was thinking about how I’ve never truly loved a man romantically… And I was thinking what if that doesn’t ever change? … You see, I can’t imagine being in love with someone. In the past “love,” or rather obsession, has made me dependent and helpless. And I know that true love shouldn’t feel that way, but still… I watch couples around me, and from my observations, being in love makes you two things and two things only: 1) Dumb (AF!) and 2) Weak… I’m sorry, but it does…
And I can never imagine putting myself in a position where I am intentionally making myself dumb and weak. Never. So that’s it then, fuck love! I’ll stick to what I know best - I’ll stick to sex.
See sex doesn’t make me feel dumb or weak. It makes me feel alive and Godly. And sure, sometimes it makes me feel guilty, and shameful, and hate myself… But those negative emotions are a fair trade off for the high I get from it… Right? … Right.
So yeah… Fuck love.
…
Do you know when I said from my observations, being in love makes you two things and two things only: 1) Dumb (AF!) and 2) Weak… ? … Well… I wasn’t telling you the whole truth… Because from my observations, being in love actually makes you three things: 1) Dumb, 2) Weak… And 3) … Happy… Being in love makes you happy.
… You … You, never me.
Thursday, October 23, 2025
1:33 pm
“Do you love it? Do you wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it?”
“Would you do it no matter what? - Even if no one else was watching? Would you do it no matter what? - Even if no one else was buying it.”
Yes.
Yes I would. I am uncertain about everything in my life… Every single aspect of it - Except my love for you… That I know to be true, the truest love I will ever know.
1:57 pm
I confessed my sin to him - I told him I’m addicted to sex. I told him because I trust him, I told him because I love him. He reminds me of my father, a good man in a world where good men are so hard to find…
Yeah, I told him I’m addicted to sex, but he made me feel no shame. He told me as long as I’m being safe, then no one is to blame… I hope I never disappoint him, I hope he never leaves me…
3:41 pm
Oh! I forgot to tell you - He responded. That someone that I used to know. It was like 9 am when he texted, and I was mid-workout, watching the interval timer on my phone count down how many seconds worth of squats I had left when I saw his name flash across my screen. And you know I hate to admit it, but I felt relief. Relief and indifference… Because no matter what, life would have gone on, and I would have found happiness in myself without him.
6:22 pm
I literally HATE myself!!!
Let me explain… I just got home from a walk - 3 miles. And I know, I know - My nutritionist and I talked about not walking more than 2 miles on the days I workout intensely in the morning… BUT idk I wanted to go 3 today… Actually this was my second time doubling up on physical activity… I did Tue as well, 3 miles then too…
Anyways, that doesn't really matter. What matters is while I was out walking I was feeling pretty hungry… You know that kind of hunger when you get all hot and sweaty and your mouth is salivating like crazy? - I was that kind of hungry.
And I've been thinking about food all day and worrying because the 1 tablespoon of cashew butter I put on my overnight oats was not an exact measurement, it was a heaping tablespoon… And I was doing so much better with that - with my over-measuring, and my overeating - but idk, I've had some slip ups this past week… Always with nut butter and cashews… Ugh cashews. Fuck cashews. Yeah, that's where I messed up tonight… I came home from my walk and was wrestling with the same old question I’m always battling, “Am I really hungry or just being a fatty?” I decided that I was in fact hungry, and that it would be in my best interest to have a small snack before dinner to address that hunger, and prevent overeating at dinner.
I should have just waited until dinner. Or at least have had one powerball instead of going to town on the nuts… I was eating them out of the container, and I felt like I couldn’t stop myself. I measured out ¼ cup (heaping…), and placed them in a small bowl… I was trying to regain control and eat mindfully… But again, I was unable to stop. Finally, I dumped my bowl of cashews back into the container and shoved the container back into the cupboard - But not before shoving a few more big boys down my throat. I slammed the cupboard door shut feeling even hungrier than before, and hating myself with a level of intensity that would scare even the devil himself.
6:46 pm
Mom: “Do you want rice with dinner?”
Me: “Honestly I wouldn’t go crazy with food, I just binged on cashews so I feel like a fucking fatty…”
…
Should I workout more tomorrow? More time on the stair climber? Should I restrict at dinner tonight? Should I skip dinner tonight? Should I make myself throw up? Should I restrict my eating tomorrow? Should I have a light breakfast? Should I not allow myself any snacks? … Ok let’s do the math… Worst case scenario, how many cashews could I have eaten? - Realistically? A ¼ cup? Likely more… A ½ cup… More likely… More than a ½ cup? God I hope not! But what if?? Oh fuck!! I LITERALLY HATE MYSELF!! OK but still, worst case scenario I’m going to say I ate 400 calories worth of cashews… Add that to my other worst case scenario estimates for my intake today (the full day of eating, including dinner), and we’re looking at 2600-2700 calories. That makes me wanna die, BUT that’s worst case scenario, AND when I subtract my calories burned for the day from that (500 calories from the 30 min incline treadmill speed walk, lowball 300 calories from the 40 min HIIT workout, lowball 100 calories from the 3 mile walk = 900 calories burned), we’re looking at 1,700-1,800 calories. Which is a much friendlier number, thank God… I mean seriously, sweet relief…
… Why is eating so hard? Why do I make a basic need, and something that should be joyful, a brutal, painful, and neverending job… Why? Why? I don’t know… But I wish I did, because then I would fix it… Or would I… I’m sure I could if I really wanted to… And that’s the real problem, isn’t it? - I don’t want to… I don’t want to let go… Because this - This constant and painful focus on my body, and food and exercise distracts me from my other pains and quiets the voices in my mind… It gives me a place to hide… It gives me a sense of control… False, but it’s not the first time I’ve been told pretty little lies…
8:15 pm
I finished eating dinner a little while ago. I felt hungry… I think? I don’t know, now I’m feeling very confused, and sad, and scared, so I’m having a hard time reading my body’s hunger and fullness cues…
But I ate a normal dinner… I ate a balanced meal and was mindful of my portions… I was going to skip the rice because I don’t deserve it, not after the cashew fiasco… But then I thought about how my body does need food, and restricting won’t help anything, so I allowed myself ¼ cup (instead of my normal ¼ cup - ½ cup). I ate slowly and tried to process my emotions as I ate.
I’m trying to give myself compassion. Slip ups happen, and in reality I don’t think it was really that bad… I also recognize that my eating was very off today… Given my physical activity level it’s very important that I eat regularly and consistently… Sometimes life gets in the way though, and today was one of those days… I was out later than I thought at a meeting, and when I got home it was way past the timeframe when I normally eat lunch, so I was STARVING. I felt like I was not as slow and mindful while eating lunch which threw me off… And eating lunch so late meant my eating times were squashed together in the afternoon and evening… And I wasn’t just eating out of habit… I ate lunch because I was hungry, I had a snack (or rather a mini cashew binge, ugh! - fuck me!) because I was hungry, I ate dinner because I was hungry (I think??? help…) and knew I needed to keep my eating regular and not restrict myself to avoid any more overeating episodes…
Long story short, I’ve been trying to process my emotions around my mini binge as well as identify what led to it. My goal is to come to terms with what happened, and view the situation in a balanced way that allows me to give myself more compassion.
Daily Connection:
Emotions around my mini binge:
Negative Emotions Processed: Self-hate, worthless, ugly, disgust (self), anger (self), shame, guilt, embarrassed, horrified, fear, worry, scared, afraid, sad, insecure, inferior, inadequate, frantic, helpless, despair, trapped
Positive Emotions Processed: Calm, forgiving, trust, self-compassion, acceptance, understanding (self)
9:55 pm
I texted him back - That someone that I used to know. It had been 10 hrs since he texted when I sent my reply… I was pretty dry in my response, but still, I know I got my point across.
I always do…
Especially when I let bodies brush and fingers touch…
Oh God please help me! … Before I destroy my life again…
“I just can't stop destroying my life.”
“But you will.”
But will I?
In order to stop, I'd have to try…
And trying to stop is so hard… So hard when you're an addict fixing for a high… Tight and dripping wet between your curvy thighs…
All because I brushed up against him, all because our fingers touched…
10:20 pm
I know our fingers touched,
But I don't remember,
When or how or why it stopped.
Who pulled away?
And why?
I hope it was me,
Because I had found my head,
Because I had found sense and reason…
But I know it was not.
…
And now that I’ve touched him once…
I never want to stop.
10:35 pm
Why am I limiting myself to just one guy? -
That someone that I used to know?
No response.
Granted I made him wait 10 hrs…
But he made me wait 19.
And now I’m thinking back to when Mom said, "This isn't what it should be...”
“These are the early days,”
“You should be having fun! You should be getting winded and dined!”
…
Now I’m not having fun…
Now I just feel used.
Like the drink and meal;
Like the wine and steak,
Rather than the one consuming it.
Used by him,
But I'm using him too.
Aren't I?
Still,
Why limit myself to just one guy?
…
So now I’m just sitting here thinking,
Maybe I’ll download Hinge again,
Play the field,
I'm young,
And as someone once recently said…
“You only live once,”
“Have some fun,”
“No harm,”
“No foul.”
…
Love?
Remember -
Fuck love.
…
It's my game now.
10:41 pm
Why am I limiting myself to just one guy?
Because this one guy - That someone that I used to know… I love him really…
Ugh.
Fuck love.
