10/24 - 10/26 pt2
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions. My initial emotions will often sound extreme, but that’s the BPD talking. The Borderline Diaries put those emotions out there, because we can’t understand what we can’t see. The Borderline Diaries are me talking - sorting through my emotions to get to my healthy feelings, my healthy relationships, and my healthy life.
Themes Of The Week
This week I was still struggling to return to baseline after the events of last week. At the beginning of the week, I was in a low state and highly irritable. My weekend episode left me physically and mentally exhausted, and finding myself post-episode proved difficult. I was also dealing with the after-effects of my episode induced behavior… And I don’t want to spoil anything, but that someone that I used to know? … Yeah… Well, you didn’t actually think that was going anywhere did you? - You always know better than me in that sense… Enough said.
… Anyways… The aftermath of one of my episodes is always brutal and ever-reaching, rearing its ugly head in all areas of my life and creating lasting damage. So this week was all about damage control… Or lack thereof… Instead of utilizing healthy coping mechanisms, I fell into old and destructive thought patterns and habits. I capitalized on my lingering state of hypersexuality and self-fueled my sex addiction, I also sought sexual validation from other men (special thanks to cough, cough that someone that I used to know cough, cough). Then there was the reactivation of my trusty old eating disorder, which I used as a faulty crutch in a race against myself. As I write this to you now (on Sunday, October 26, 2025 at 2:18 pm), I am able to see the full picture of the stormy week behind me. In recognizing the motivations behind my recent symptoms, I am better able to work through those emotions and finally return to my baseline. I won’t lie, sometimes it feels like a never-ending cycle, and I am truly exhausted. Still, I remind myself of how far I’ve come… How quickly this episode passed, how it could have been much worse… Not like the last one where I was left on my knees on the floor of some shady man’s apartment… Next to a Taco Bell box and a half-eaten jar of Ragu sauce. Ew… I shudder at the thought… Shame… Sadness… Self-hate… No. - I won’t let myself go down that road. I acknowledge those emotions, they deserve to be seen and heard. But I will not let them live rent free in my head. Rather, I make space for forgiveness, joy, and self-love. Love. As I prepare for the birth of the new week ahead, I will focus on finding love for myself. Fuck love? No, love is my bride. I value her, I treat her with respect, and I kneel down before her to ask her to be my wife. Love.
Heightened irritability
Feeling burnout
Feeling alone
Sadness, hurt, loss, and grief
Who is to blame?
Seeking validation from others, learning to validate myself
Anger and shame
Forgiving myself for engaging in destructive behaviors rather using positive coping mechanisms
Turning things around, processing my emotions
Getting back on track in my recovery and finding a mental state of integration, peace, and balance
Fuck Love
Part II
Entry Dates
Friday, October 24, 2025 – Sunday, October 26, 2025
Friday, October 24, 2025
4:31 am
Our bodies brushed…
Our fingers touched…
Stroking…
What a high,
What a rush!
… But was that reality?
Or fantasy? - Fantasy which I so often live in…
…
Either way…
“... Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought
Maybe I just wanna be yours
I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours
…
Wanna be yours
Wanna be yours
Wanna be yours…”
…
(I Wanna Be Yours, by Arctic Monkeys)
4:57 am
I’m just thinking back now…
Back to yesterday…
Back to my confession…
Back to telling him about my sex addiction…
Back to him telling me there are worse things in life…
Back to him telling me the only thing I really have to worry about is getting pregnant…
…
Oh but haven't you heard? -
No rose petals taint my snow…
Oh but haven’t you heard? -
I’m being punished in this life…
Yeah, haven’t you heard? -
I won’t ever be a mom…
Yeah, haven’t you heard? -
I won’t ever have a baby…
…
“The only thing you really have to worry about is getting pregnant…”
“... Or that it destroys you mentally…”
But I have already been destroyed mentally.
Although I suppose…
There is nothing stopping it from happening again…
And would that trigger a full bipolar breakdown? …
And would that leave me completely broken? …
Past the point of no return…
Would that lead me to my cell? …
…
Oh God please help me!
6:43 am
Yesterday,
And today,
I saw my brown eyed boy.
I walked past him,
Without a breezy, “Hi!”
I left him, without a smiling, “Bye!”
I don’t care,
I’m over it.
Then why,
Why
Do I still…
“... Wanna be yours
Wanna be yours
Wanna be yours…”
…
(I Wanna Be Yours, by Arctic Monkeys)
9:26 pm
I'm in a really bad spot. I don't want to talk about it though. Not really.
He hasn't responded, and I don't think he's going to. I hate that it hurts me, I hate that it makes me sad… But it does. Very much so. Because I do love him so…
I redownload Hinge… Because we're nothing… So why would it matter? But I felt such intense guilt and self-hate, I paused the profile and sent him a photo instead. A double text. Desperate; pathetic… I hate myself.
I also hate myself because I think I overate at dinner. I got an extra serving of roasted veggies and a little extra chicken. I didn't need the extra food. I should have stopped. I'm not allowed seconds. Especially not at dinner. Bad, bad, I am bad.
I hate myself so much. I don't know what's going on… What is behind that hate? And why am I using food and sex as a way to cope? When it's only fueling my shame?
Idk. And I don't want to talk about it anymore.
… But I do want someone to talk to… Like my aunt said, “You won't find someone who is perfect, but you'll find someone you can talk to.”
And yeah, that still sounds nice… Nicer than nice… I want nothing more than someone I could talk to… And I want nothing more than that someone to be him - That someone that I used to know… But he's left me once again… And now I'm left here alone thinking I'd be better off dead.
Saturday, October 25, 2025
3:28 pm
Hiii… I’m okay, I’m okay. I was really overtired last night, and that always messes with my head. Honestly, I need to learn to stop pushing myself past my mental limit, and just put myself to bed. I’ve said it before, how much I need rest… Especially with my condition, sleep, and time to just rest are vital… And like we’ve talked about, I’m learning that now… I’m learning to treat my mind, body, and soul with love and respect. So I’m sorry… Sorry for what I said last night… Sorry for what I’ve said these last few days… I’m sorry to myself…
I also give myself permission to feel upset. I’ve been dealing with a lot of negative emotions recently. I give myself permission to feel them totally, but I also will not let them control me. As I try to decipher the causation behind my recent period of mental distress, a few things come to mind…
Wild and crazy, chasing sex… What a high, what a rush! … But then there was the guilt, and shame, and self-hate… Impulsive downloads, careless purchases, and late night texts… What a high, what a rush! … But then there was the guilt, and shame, and self-hate…
Wild and crazy, chasing sex… Impulsive downloads, careless purchases, and late night texts… All of those sordid paths led me to reconnect… With that someone that I used to know… And I won’t beat around the burning bush, that reconnection led to sexting… But we don’t have to go all the way down that road… Because you know, yeah you know… The high… The rush… But then the guilt, and shame, and self-hate… And the gnawing pit of insecurity, sadness, and self-doubt when he once again went away…
…
As I’m writing this to you now, I’m thinking… Thinking is that really all I’m worth? - Wild and crazy, chasing sex… Impulsive downloads, careless purchases, and late night texts? … No. No, I am worth so much more than that. I deserve to be treated like a queen, I deserve to have a man who worships the ground beneath me. I don’t know if I will ever find that, but I will not settle for anything less. I will live for myself joyfully, and if someone worthy wants to join me in my joy, then great. But if not, I can always be my own date. Because I love myself… I do, I do… And I know what I said before, “fuck love,” and yeah, with how I’ve been feeling lately, I stand by that statement… Fuck love! … Except when it comes to me.
3:40 pm
Messages (with a friend):
Me:
Sounds good! God only knows where we're going with all of this 😂 part of the fun tho
Them:
And as long as it stays fun, you’re successful
…
So let’s keep this fun my darling. Yes, let’s keep this flirty and fun. A never-ending one night stand we swear won’t ever turn into love… Because fuck love! … Except when it comes to me… Except when it comes to us.
8:04 pm
I’m really afraid I overate again… I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m really trying not to hate myself, but it’s so hard… And then there’s something else, and I don’t know if this relates at all… But you know how I was going through a period of hypersexuality last week and for much of this week? … Well now it’s gone… It’s so gone and I’m so tired… I’ve worn myself out… And the thought of having sex makes me want to die.
8:07 pm
I need to do a Daily Connection, I’ve been slacking and I’m sure that’s not helping. Neither is my seasonal depression… Anyways…
I know I need to process my emotions around him leaving… Again… I mean I expected it - I was waiting, I was ready… But it still hurt me oh so deeply… Because I love him really…
Daily Connection
Emotions around him leaving again:
Negative Emotions Processed: Sad, alone, lonely, hurt, insecure, inferior, worthless, ugly, shame, self-blame, embarrassed, humiliated, despair, dependent, needy, helpless, worried
Positive Emotions Processed: Calm, capable, secure, self-reliant, confident, strong, relaxed, accepting, forgiving, trust, peace, hope
Now I really do have to rest… Yes, now I really must put myself to bed. Because I’m reaching that point, yes I’m fast approaching my mental limit… And that won’t do any good for my sorry head… So I will bid you goodnight… But before I do… One last thing… I said it before, but it’s still bothering me… How other men have to pay… To see my museum… How other men have to pay… To access what I’ve given him for free… For free and with love… Ah… See that’s my problem right there - Love. Fuck love. Yeah, fuck love, fuck it all… Except when it comes to you and me.
8:26 pm
“Sex seems satisfying when you’re hungry for love.”
Oh.
… Is that really all that’s been going on? …
Sunday, October 26, 2025
9:49 am
I’m taking a yoga class this morning. Technically today was supposed to be a total rest day… Total as in no activity whatsoever, no walking, no yoga, pure recovery. But that just wasn’t going to work for me… My body and mind need movement, and this morning I was craving yoga. I missed it last week because I actually took two rest days (one with light walking) given my busy schedule. So I am learning to adjust at times and be flexible… Despite my battles this week, I am learning to have a healthier relationship with my body, food, and exercise. I’m learning to rest, to listen to what my body needs, to find more joy and love for my body and myself in movement and nutrition (rather than hate), and to just live in a state of balance and peace. It’s taking time, it’s taking work, and it always will… But hey, life is about progress, not perfection!
Anyways, I’m in this yoga class, and we just finished a balance posture. I was a little wobbly - I hate that… Any time I workout whether it be cardio movements, lifting weights, Pilates, or yoga, I am always hyper focused on my form… A perfectionist until it leaves me destroyed… So I was feeling anger and shame just now when I wobbled in my warrior 3 pose, but then the yoga teacher addressed the entire class, sharing some words of wisdom, “Guys, it’s just yoga!” - She said with a laugh, “Wobbles are okay! Leave it in the past!” Finally, she looks at me and says, “Do you know we are the only animals who get stuck thinking about the past, and worrying about what is coming.”
And I felt that… I felt that echo right down to the pit of my soul… And much like a seed, I planted it… Praying her wisdom will grow inside me, one day blossoming like a beautiful spring rose, leaving petals tainting my snow…
10:24 am
I just got home from yoga, I look like I’ve been through a war… And I have… The ever present war I wage against myself each day… Only I suppose lately it’s been more violent…
Mom: “Tired?” She looks at me with love and pity.
Me: “I feel like shit… Physically, mentally… I’m exhausted… I’m in a really bad spot… All I want to do is sleep…”
10:35 am
All I want to do is sleep… All I want to do is sleep… Oh my God, please help me - All I want to do is sleep…
Messages (with a friend):
10:58 am
Me:
Hey kid ❤️ I'm really sorry if I was off today 😔 I've just been really going through it physically & especially mentally. But I'm so happy I saw you and I'm so proud of you! Let me know when you get home safe. Also try to get some more sleep and eat something other than mac and cheese! 😂
Them:
You were fine I get it life’s kinda kicking everyone down rn
11:02 am
Me:
For real tho 😅
11:32 am
Them:
Tho if you need anything just say I’m always here for you just like you have been for me
1:56 pm
Me:
That means so much to me, thank you! And you know I got you kid! I hope you got home safe!
…
Damn. I love that kid. And yeah, yeah, I know what I’ve been saying about love… But now I’m thinking that maybe, just maybe there is a reason that love exists… And maybe, just maybe, it looks a little something like this.
3:51 pm
“... This is the last time I'm asking you this
(This is the last time I'm asking you this)
Put my name at the top of your list
(Put my name at the top of your list)
This is the last time I'm asking you why
(This is the last time I'm asking you why)
You break my heart in the blink of an eye
(You break my heart)...”
…
(The Last Time, by Taylor Swift, featuring Gary Lightbody)
…
It’s a beautiful fall day,
I’m out walking, and I am filled with sadness.
I’m thinking of him,
Of that someone that I used to know…
Suddenly, I become overwhelmed,
And I feel exactly as I did…
When he left.
It’s a sudden and intense onset of emotions,
So tangled and murky I cannot distinguish their faces.
I remember being a child,
Playing on a swing,
Going higher,
Higher,
Higher…
Then falling down,
Down,
Down…
And hitting the ground,
Ground,
Ground…
Wind knocked out of me,
A sucker punch to the gut.
More shocked than hurt at first…
Still high mentally,
Protected by the adrenaline rush.
But then the brutal realization…
And the sorrow no bandage can temper.
…
Yeah, baby, now I’m going higher,
Higher,
Higher…
Then falling down,
Down,
Down…
And hitting the ground,
Ground,
Ground…
Playing that moment on repeat,
Over and over again in my head,
‘Til I'm lost,
‘Til I’m dizzy,
‘Til all I see is you…
You and red.
…
“... This is the last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you this
This is the last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you this
This is the last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you this
This is the last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you this”
…
(The Last Time, by Taylor Swift, featuring Gary Lightbody)
