10/17 - 10/19 pt2
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions. My initial emotions will often sound extreme, but that’s the BPD talking. The Borderline Diaries put those emotions out there, because we can’t understand what we can’t see. The Borderline Diaries are me talking - sorting through my emotions to get to my healthy feelings, my healthy relationships, and my healthy life.
Themes Of The Week
Experienced a high (“manic”) period followed by a low period
This week was challenging. I knew it would be coming into it, but that was little comfort to me when I was actually in it. Next week, I am starting a more flexible schedule and going down to a part-time working status at my job-job. This will allow me to have a better balance between all of the different things I have going on in my life, and adapt to a much healthier lifestyle. However, this week was the storm before the calm. We all have rough days, and rough weeks, that’s just a part of life… But as someone who faces the mental health challenges that I do, all of the feelings that accompany tough times are amplified - Put on steroids, if you will. More than that, being so busy gave me little to no time to truly process those difficult emotions.
At the beginning of this week, I felt extreme loneliness, and was faced with the challenge of sitting with that painful emotion. Then, throughout the course of the week, I was faced with a series of uncomfortable events. Finally, things came to a head at the end of the week, when my sex addiction was triggered and I entered a “high/manic” period. Detached from reality, and once again feeling like, “the king of the world!” I lost all sense and all reason… All reason and all time… In the span of less than 12 hours, I did some serious damage on a couple of dating apps that included an impulsive purchase. I was high, so high… Animalistic, horny, and desperate… It’s a wonderfully horrible feeling that I never want to end when I’m in it - Despite the pain… Because of the pain… But it always does, and the come down is just as brutal and ruthless as the come up… The only difference is that the come up builds me up, while the come down destroys me in it’s wake… The aftermath left me spiraling and triggered thoughts of self-harm and suicidal ideation. That extreme reaction was the result of me retreating to the fight-or-flight part of my brain, rather than staying in the frontal lobe and processing the hoard of complex and painful emotions I was experiencing (shame, guilt, self-hate).
Of course, this latest period of a high/low exchange once again has me questioning whether or not I’m bipolar. Not only does it have me questioning, it has me feeling very, very afraid… Because what if bipolar is in me… And what if the medication is not enough to contain it… What if I experience another break? … One that I can’t ever recover from? … And that’s all got me thinking… Until that fateful day comes (which I pray it never will), I might as well have some fun!
And oh, didn’t I tell you? That despite the damage… Something beautiful came out of the series of unfortunate events from this week… Yes, something beautiful came out of my destructive high… A connection with a somebody I used to know… So beautiful, like rose petals in the snow…
But I know I have to be careful with my emotions. I’m just telling myself it’s not going anywhere…
Feeling intense loneliness
Navigating new challenges
Feeling burnout
Finding compassion for myself
Realizing I deserve a healthy schedule and balance in my life
Giving myself permission to rest
Feeling shame, guilt, and self-hate
Dealing with thoughts of self-harm and suicidal ideation
Finding positive coping mechanisms rather than engaging in destructive behaviors
Fighting to get back to baseline after experiencing a high (“manic”) period followed by a low period
2 Pink Lines
Part II
Entry Dates
Friday, October 17, 2025 – Sunday, October 19, 2025
Friday, October 17, 2025
8:02 am
I have a long day ahead, long but good… I'm coming to realize that even on the busiest and most stressful days, everything works out... I can handle everything that comes my way… And more often than not, there are little pockets of breathing room I didn't expect - Times when I have an extra minute to breathe, rebalance emotionally, and reset.
I also have so many incredible people supporting me every step of the way. Like last night when Mom and Dad came and picked me up… I see it even in the little things they do… Last night when I got into Dad's car to go home, he had my heated seat turned on because he knows I like it. Then this morning, he started my car for me and turned the heated seat on. It's funny how even the littlest of things can say so much…
Yeah, yeah… More than anything - When it comes to love - It’s the little things.
11:48 pm
I'm high, I'm happy! - But I'm not… Well I am… Well I was… But then… I don't know, I don't know…
Earlier today, I was driving, and I thought maybe I'll just drive straight ahead - Maybe I'll just drive over the guardrail - Maybe I'll just drive over the edge - Maybe I'll drive myself dead…
Love and sex, sex and love… Not even though… Just attention, just touch… Men - Like crack cocaine to me… My vice, my drug…
I say no, but my body says yes.
So I thought,
I have to silence my body.
How?
Death?
No.
But I deserve to be punished.
So I thought I would cut -
I thought I would make my own rose petals in the snow…
…
I thought about texting my brown eyed boy and just asking for sex…
I'm still thinking that honestly…
God I need sleep…
I'm just thinking I need to find someone soon… Maybe not my forever… But someone my body can say, “Yes,” to…
And that's not my brown eyed boy - Because I love him far too much, to use him just for sex. Far too much…
And I'd never let anything bad happen to him, not one little thing.
Not one little thing.
Saturday, October 18, 2025
9:29 pm
We have to talk! We have to talk! More tomorrow, more tomorrow! I need to try to sleep now, I've really got to! Idk what's happening to me I was so tired earlier today because I worked at my job-job all week - 48.5 hrs, plus school… What is wrong with me?? I am so bad, God is going to punish me but I won't, I won't. No, no!! I won't!!
But you see I'm really happy now, happy and horny and I'm going to find someone to scratch that itch…
So I downloaded Hinge and Bumble today and then deleted them and then redownload them and then I paid $49.99 for Bumble so I could see everyone who liked me and now I hate myself!
And I also hate myself because I'm afraid I overate and I didn't work out yesterday or today, but I walked 2 miles this morning and I adjusted my workouts so I won't miss out on any major components, and I'll do extra tomorrow and even it out, and it's ok to take two rest days sometimes, and this week my body has been crying out in pain…
And I don't know what I'm saying anymore… Oh, oh! My brown eyed boy! I saw him somewhere I wasn't supposed to, but I did and I almost said something, but thank God I didn't… My gut said don't but I almost pulled the trigger like I always do but I didn't and someone I love very much told me not to…
But then there was someone else who I just texted again saying, “I’m so so sorry, but I'm so so horny…”
And I just kinda wanna die cause I haven't heard back and you know I really hate myself and I feel so guilty out here on these apps and shit because they all make me think of that someone else I was just telling you about who I just texted, and how much I miss him, and want him, and need him, and how I'll never love another man like him, not ever ever!
And I need sleep I know,
But I don't know what's happening,
Driving kind of reckless and high…
This morning so tired,
But then…
My sex drive is so high it hurts,
I really need sex now.
All of this,
All of this,
Too much,
Too much.
We have to talk more tomorrow.
I know I need to process more…
But I'd rather have sex…
I need it.
Now.
Now, now.
I need it from someone,
Anyone.
…
… God I'm so lonely I just wanna die.
10:10 pm
I scratched my own itch, and cried when I was done.
…
And now I'm just thinking about back in April… When I went to the hospital… Before Mom and Dad took me there, I was sitting on the couch… Tears streamed down my cheeks… Curled up in a little ball, I hugged my knees into my chest… Mom was sitting across from me… I had just impulsively quit my dream job, making an absolute fool of myself in the process… Not long before that I had half-fucked a random, disgusting man in his filthy apartment… I didn't even know where I was but I knew it wasn't a safe area… So sitting on the couch, on that cold day in April, I was a wreck - Much like I am tonight - Still, I was able to choke back my tears long enough to pull my head up out of my lap, look Mom in the eyes, and say, “I just can't stop destroying my life.”
Mom looked deep into my eyes, nodding.
“... But you will,” she finally said.
…
But will I? Really? I wonder…
…
Message Drafts:
Me:
Hey 😅 I hope this isn't awkward and please feel free to not respond, it's 100% fine! But I heard you're still single...
I completely respect if you're just figuring things out/not into me, but TBH I've been looking for someone who is literally just clean and decent to have a very, very casual thing with - Idk why it's so hard to find that, it's a pretty low bar, lol!
But again no worries at all if it's a no, and I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable! Nothing has to be weird and things can just be normal! You really are a great guy, and I completely respect however you may feel! 😊
DELETE.
Sunday, October 19, 2025
10:55 am
Messages (to a friend):
Me:
I literally HATE myself. I deleted both accounts but ofc I impulsively paid $61 for Bumble. I'm actually really upset. These kinds of symptoms were really gone and then I literally don't know what happened yesterday but honestly it was really scary. 😔 I really don't like these episodes. My provider says we really don't have enough evidence for a bipolar diagnosis and I hope we never do bc that would mean a full manic breakdown... But idk these types of episodes are just a different beast. I know what my borderline episodes feel like... These are different, and they scare me! They feel good in the moment but the after effects are rough. Like this AM I feel like someone beat the actual shit out of me!
I was doing so good with money too, I'm just so disappointed in myself.
Not to mention I feel disgusting chasing sex on those apps. I become like an animal for real.
1:35 pm
Oh. My. God… Well… I guess I’m not that surprised… He was up late last night… Sending me one little response… But then nothing… So I was thinking it was done… And yet here we are now…
Messages (to a friend):
Me:
How long should I wait to respond?
Friend:
Definitely a little bit
Maybe wait until 4:30 ish
Me:
That sounds good
…
And so the wait begins.
3:52 pm
Hi, how are you? I'm doing okay, thanks for checking. I bet you've been a little worried about me, and I’m sorry for causing you any stress… I know things were pretty crazy yesterday. I'm feeling really tired. I'm not going to lie and my voice is shaky as I'm talking to you, writing all this out... I really do feel like someone beat me up. I'm just exhausted, so exhausted...
But I am more stable now. Right now I'm at my aunt's house, no one's home; it's just me. I needed to get away. I told Mom that earlier, and I was a little frantic, kind of pacing how I used to before the medication… Up and down the stairs, throwing things into my bag, telling her, “I just have to get out! … I just have to get out! … I just have to drive … Now…”
There was a lot of noise at the house today. We're having work done, and it was just too much for me. I really hate loud noises… Especially when I'm in a bad place like I have been the past day or so with whatever's going on… So I left and came here… And I finally came back down.
But like I've said to you before, coming down is painful, and I'm so tired. I do miss my high.... Thinking about it now. When I was driving here, I thought about finding someone, anyone for sex. That was before he texted me back - That someone I used to know… The someone I hope, and think I might be getting to know again right now. Yeah, I don't know… I'm sorry… I feel like I'm about to fall asleep right now.
But anyways, I just wanted to check in with you about everything that's happened. I don't know… I feel like maybe I should reach out to my provider and get in to see her. Or at least have a phone call to talk about what’s been going on these last couple of days. These types of episodes and symptoms are the things we're looking at closely while I’m on the medication. I don't really understand why I had another episode like this on the medication… And that really scares me, and has me thinking that maybe I will have a full breakdown… And then that has me seeing myself all alone… All alone in a cell with no one to love… No comfort besides a white sheet dotted with scarlet red stains… I make my own rose petals in the snow… Now that makes me think of someone... Yeah that makes me think of someone I used to know…
What was I saying? Oh medication.. Yeah I don't know what's happening… Maybe I'm the problem, looking at the medication thinking it will fix everything… But I know it won't. There's a lot that goes into recovery, most importantly, my own mindset and dedication to my emotional processing. Not the medication. But still, I'm afraid. I'm afraid there's another beast lurking in the shadows of my mind… I'm afraid of the bipolar... I'm afraid of another complete breakdown… So terribly afraid.
Okay, so, I’ve established fear as an emotion, but what other emotions have I been feeling? Well there's definitely a lot of guilt and shame going on around my recent sexual behavior… You see, I love attention. Attention from men, specifically. I enjoy being in their company very much, and I enjoy being treated like an object, a prize, something to be conquered really. So when I received that attention from many different men, I was feeling good. I was feeling high, excited, alive, powerful, proud, beautiful, sexy, attractive, wanted, valued, fulfilled, purpose… But then there's the reality of the situation around my recent sexual behavior, and that makes me feel all kinds of negative things: Guilt, shame, evil, sorry, sleazy, disgusting, self-hate, blame, worthless, despair, hopeless, trapped, fear, scared, worried...
I think I told you - I felt a little bit suicidal and I had the urge to harm myself - to cut. With time, I settled back down a little bit, and was able to avoid any destructive behaviors… But I think that’s because I was pushing those emotions aside instead of processing them… I was feeling better because I shoved them into the closet so the room looked clean when actually it was anything but clean… And I think that maybe that's what I was dealing with yesterday. Well that and a whole bunch of other things…
Gosh, I don't know if this sounds crazy… Well I don't think it does… I haven't had sex since May, but I think I'm a sex addict. I've already established that I'm a love addict but I would say I'm a sex addict too. Just because I'm not getting it regularly doesn't mean I'm not addicted to it. I think about it. I crave it. It's my go-to in times of trouble… I've been thinking about it today as I've been coming back down, and I’ve been trying to process this concept... I do think it’s something I need to be very much aware of. I really think it's a problem for me...
Yesterday I was glued to my phone, swiping and searching… The desperation was so painful… All of it made me feel such intense shame, sadness, loneliness, and disgust for myself. And then things only got worse when I saw him, my brown eyed boy… I wasn't supposed to see him there… You know, I thought I might though, and in some ways that was part of the reason I downloaded the app… But then there he was, and again it just reinforced his past rejection of me… And as much as I hate to admit it, that does affect me still… I think it affects me much more than I even realize… It's hurtful because it's not like he's still with her right now. I mean, I think he was for a little while. Yes, I do think they got back together, some failed attempt to reconcile post breakup… Just looking for some sex and comfort, or maybe an inability to let go… Hey, I get it - Been there, done that… But anyways, when he said he didn't want me, it wasn't because he was still trying to figure things out for himself… No, he's actively looking to date, he just doesn't want anything to do with me, right? And that has me wondering what's wrong with me, right? Am I to blame? Or is he?
And oh my God! - Thank goodness I didn't send him that text, I really dodged a bullet with that one - thank God for my friend who I love so much, because without them reinforcing my gut instinct of not sending it, I impulsively would have, in the mental state I was in at the time. God how embarrassing!...
But you know, honestly, looking at his profile and everything, I don't think we're meant to be together. Looking at his profile kind of helped me get over it. At least a little bit more… I just think he's too good for me… And I don't mean that in the way that it sounds - I think he's too good, and too normal, and too stable. I think I need someone more exciting because I'm exciting. I look at all of these things I'm doing… I think I might have a very big and flashy life at some point, and I don't think that would mix with him… And that's not a case of me being to blame, or him being to blame… It's just differences between us… Differences in lifestyle, and goals, and who we are. And as I say that now, I realize that with this whole situation… It’s a big loss for me. The loss of a fantasy…
So I suffered a loss, and I wasn't really grieving it properly, right? But thinking about it now, I will start to. Grief takes time, it's not something I can just do right now. Yes, it will take time. And I’m thinking about him right now, and his kindness, and his beautiful eyes… And I'm thinking about his profile, and how it said he doesn't have kids, but he wants kids… And I'm thinking that's just beautiful, and that he will be the very best dad in the entire world.
Oh and I wish whoever he ends up with the very best, and I'm sure they will have the loveliest babies… And I can just see her now… His future wife sitting on the toilet, holding a test in her hands… Silk pink robe barely covering her body… And I can see her calling him in, and there he is in an instant. Always there. Always there to protect her, because he won't let anything bad ever happen to her… Not one little thing… And now I see them both crying, and hugging, and kissing, and he's on his knees just like he was the day he proposed… And she's still holding that test in her hands, and they're both filled with the purest joy that has ever existed on this Earth… All because of two pink lines…
...
And then there's me, exciting, flashy, and lonely. But I can do something about that, and I am. I will have to be very careful not to forfeit my goals, my independence, and my strength as a woman to a man… As I so often do… But I'm realizing now, I don't have to be lonely… And I have my someone I used to know with me… Or at least in my phone… And I know I can't make any promises, but I'm just saying I'll see where this goes…. And I can't say for certain it's going to lead to me sitting on the toilet with a test in my hands, and a pink silk robe barely covering my body, and him on his knees in front of me… Crying over me… Hugging me… Kissing me… Filled with the purest joy that has ever existed on this Earth… All because I showed him two pink lines…
All I know is that maybe, just maybe this could make us both happy now… Yeah, maybe this could make us both happy, at least for a little while.
As long as we don't see those two pink lines…
5:50 pm
I don't know what's wrong with me. I got home a little while ago… I had a snack because I was starving… 1 whole banana, and 2 full tablespoons of cashew butter… Now I'm trying not to hate myself… I was going to walk 2 miles - I know, I know - only 2… But my body won't move. I feel physically and mentally broken.
…
Update: I was somehow able to get off the couch and drag myself and my heated blanket to my unmade bed. I'm going to try to sleep. I don't know how I'm going to go to work tomorrow… I have to be up early for the gym too… Back to routine… It doesn't help that I didn't sleep at all last night… Messages exchanged at 2:21 and 2:24 am, like some kind of dream…
So yes… Of course I feel like this… After the brutal week I had plus no sleep last night… Plus my mental state… Which is always a struggle… But idk… Something has been different these past couple of days… And now that has me wondering… Am I just tired? Or am I entering a down?
…
God I don't think I can ever leave this bed… Alone, alone… No passion, no drive… My motivation is all dried up… I'm just so tired, so tired. I have no desire to do anything other than lay here and try to muster enough energy to cry.
5:57 pm
Oh did I tell you? I was talking to someone I trust about all these physical symptoms I've been dealing with lately… Especially my missing menstrual cycle… They mentioned PCOS… Which I was tested for before, but it's been years, and the condition can progress… Maybe that's why… Why I can't bleed… Why my snowy garden is absent of petals… Yeah maybe that's the reason… A fitting punishment… For my crime…
But hey, why cry in the here and now? … When maybe in another life… I am sitting on a toilet somewhere… With joyful tears in my eyes… All because of 2 pink lines… 2 pink lines.
…
Ok, ok. That's enough, that's enough. I need sleep, I need sleep. Goodbye, goodbye.
2 pink lines, 2 pink lines.
6:57 pm
A light awoke me from my dream. Foolishly, I thought it was him, texting me back. Really, it was Mom, coming to gently coax me out of my heated blanket nest because, “Dinner's ready.”
I thought it was him.
And I'm embarrassed to admit… The joy, excitement, and simultaneous heartbreak I felt… As in an instant my fantasy of him turned into my lonely reality without him.
My dream, my dream.
Don’t let go, don’t let go.
Don’t lose hope, don’t lose hope.
Oh, and Mom, I love you so, but please, never wake me again…
Yes, please Mom, next time just leave me for dead…
In my hopeless fantasy where he is more than my lover…
In my hopeless fantasy where I am a mother…
All because of 2 pink lines, all because of two pink lines…
2 pink lines, 2 pink lines…
