10/13 - 10/16 pt1
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions. My initial emotions will often sound extreme, but that’s the BPD talking. The Borderline Diaries put those emotions out there, because we can’t understand what we can’t see. The Borderline Diaries are me talking - sorting through my emotions to get to my healthy feelings, my healthy relationships, and my healthy life.
Themes Of The Week
Experienced a high (“manic”) period followed by a low period
This week was challenging. I knew it would be coming into it, but that was little comfort to me when I was actually in it. Next week, I am starting a more flexible schedule and going down to a part-time working status at my job-job. This will allow me to have a better balance between all of the different things I have going on in my life, and adapt to a much healthier lifestyle. However, this week was the storm before the calm. We all have rough days, and rough weeks, that’s just a part of life… But as someone who faces the mental health challenges that I do, all of the feelings that accompany tough times are amplified - Put on steroids, if you will. More than that, being so busy gave me little to no time to truly process those difficult emotions.
At the beginning of this week, I felt extreme loneliness, and was faced with the challenge of sitting with that painful emotion. Then, throughout the course of the week, I was faced with a series of uncomfortable events. Finally, things came to a head at the end of the week, when my sex addiction was triggered and I entered a “high/manic” period. Detached from reality, and once again feeling like, “the king of the world!” I lost all sense and all reason… All reason and all time… In the span of less than 12 hours, I did some serious damage on a couple of dating apps that included an impulsive purchase. I was high, so high… Animalistic, horny, and desperate… It’s a wonderfully horrible feeling that I never want to end when I’m in it - Despite the pain… Because of the pain… But it always does, and the come down is just as brutal and ruthless as the come up… The only difference is that the come up builds me up, while the come down destroys me in it’s wake… The aftermath left me spiraling and triggered thoughts of self-harm and suicidal ideation. That extreme reaction was the result of me retreating to the fight-or-flight part of my brain, rather than staying in the frontal lobe and processing the hoard of complex and painful emotions I was experiencing (shame, guilt, self-hate).
Of course, this latest period of a high/low exchange once again has me questioning whether or not I’m bipolar. Not only does it have me questioning, it has me feeling very, very afraid… Because what if bipolar is in me… And what if the medication is not enough to contain it… What if I experience another break? … One that I can’t ever recover from? … And that’s all got me thinking… Until that fateful day comes (which I pray it never will), I might as well have some fun!
And oh, didn’t I tell you? That despite the damage… Something beautiful came out of the series of unfortunate events from this week… Yes, something beautiful came out of my destructive high… A connection with a somebody I used to know… So beautiful, like rose petals in the snow…
But I know I have to be careful with my emotions. I’m just telling myself it’s not going anywhere…
Feeling intense loneliness
Navigating new challenges
Feeling burnout
Finding compassion for myself
Realizing I deserve a healthy schedule and balance in my life
Giving myself permission to rest
Feeling shame, guilt, and self-hate
Dealing with thoughts of self-harm and suicidal ideation
Finding positive coping mechanisms rather than engaging in destructive behaviors
Fighting to get back to baseline after experiencing a high (“manic”) period followed by a low period
2 Pink Lines
Part I
Entry Dates
Monday, October 13, 2025 – Thursday, October 16, 2025
Monday, October 13, 2025
5:02 am
“... And that's when I told you
It's alright
You were dancing through the lightning strikes
Sleepless in the onyx night
But now the sky is opalite
Oh oh oh oh, oh my Lord
Never met no one like you before
You had to make your own sunshine
But now the sky is opalite
Oh oh oh oh oh…”
…
(Opalite, by Taylor Swift)
I know I could paint his sky like a Monet… The way he paints mine… The way I paint my own… Yeah I know I could paint his sky like a Monet… I could, and I would… But haven't you heard? - I like baseball players though…
6:40 am
I just got off the treadmill after finishing my 30 min jog. I’m wiping the machine down, and I hear a voice behind me. The voice says, “Wow, Veronica, you were really going hard!” I ignore the comment, responding only with a smile and attempted subject change, “Oh hi there! How are you this morning!”
… I don’t know why such an innocent comment is bothering me so much. Maybe because I’m tired, tired of the constant comments on my physique. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but sometimes I want to scream, “Just stop!!!” Anytime someone opens their mouth to express some remark about my body, almost always subtly (and sometimes not so subtly), alluding to my weight loss.
And you tell me to move on, but you never let me forget, “Yeah, you should've seen her a couple of years ago though! …”
The most painful years of my life… The pain I worked so hard to be at peace with and finally lay to rest… So why, oh why do you insist on never letting me forget?
8:00 am
A neon sign in front of the church I drive past regularly on my commute lights up this morning’s otherwise dreary sky. It tells me, “I am the way, the truth, and the life - John 14:6” … John… John… My Dear John.
Of course that isn’t my favorite line of his… But you know what is, don’t you baby?
Oh take me back now baby… Back to that first and holy night… Back to me under you, clinging to your biceps, and counting your tattoos…
Baby? Baby, please answer… Baby I miss you…
5:46 pm
“... 'Tis locked inside my memory
And only you possess the key
No longer drowning and deceived
All because you came for me
Locked inside my memory
And only you possess the key
No longer drowning and deceived
All because you came for me…”
…
(The Fate of Ophelia, by Taylor Swift)
I’m crying on my way to Costco, on my way to get gas. Crying, crying, because I am lost and I don’t know if I’m on the right path. I feel helpless and trapped. Trapped… Feeling trapped can indicate doing something you don’t really want to do… Is that what’s going on here? God I hope not… I mean I wish that wasn’t the case… But I will admit I am conflicted, and my experience in this one regard has been very mixed. It’s not all good or all bad, nothing is… But now I’m thinking about all the stress and sleepless nights… Nightmares so vivid and so specific… “I know I say this all the time, but I don’t know how much longer I can do this…” I don’t know, or I don’t want to know… All I know is lately I’ve been wondering, how many dreams are a trap, and even more than that, is this really my dream?
…
My tears also stem from my increased feeling of loneliness. Longing… Missing… I miss him… Not the hims of the past… At least I don’t think so… No… I miss the one who is coming, my love…
Tell me, how can I miss someone I’ve never even met?
I don’t know, I don’t know… All I know is I do, I miss him with all of my mind, body, heart and soul. I miss him, and I wish he was here next to me so I could kiss him… Kiss him and tell him, “Baby don’t you ever go, don’t you ever go” …
… Yeah, I’ll never let my baby go, I’ll never let my baby go…
8:08 pm
I keep having these horrible thoughts… Thoughts about my current mental state. Something has changed… Or something did…
I've told you my providers and I have been considering the possibility of bipolar, and thinking it might be responsible for some of my new/exacerbated symptoms. I know there is not enough concrete evidence… And God, I hope there never is… Because that would mean another breakdown… Possibly one I could not recover from… All the king’s horses and all the king's men… A total break… The hospital; my home… Mom and Dad come to visit but they never stay… They never stay and if I am so lucky it won’t even bother me… Because I will no longer remember their faces… But if I am unlucky - which I so often am - I will remember them… I will remember them and cry for them when they leave me… Leave me in a cell… A cell with a noose I made… From a fitted white sheet… Blood red… White sheet… Blood red… White sheet… Like rose petals in the snow… A sky blue skirt painted with yellow daisies parachutes around me… I hang like a rare Monet pimped out on the wall of some museum… Such a beautiful hanging; Such a beautiful tragedy; Me.
All the king's horses and all the king's men, couldn’t put Veronica together again…
…
I’m so sorry… So sorry for showing you that horrid scene… But you know, like I’ve told you baby, sometimes I just have to get such things out… So they’re not playing on repeat in my mind… Like an eerie and gruesome early Hollywood film… Where I am the coked up starlette on the monstrous silver screen… Where I am trapped… Alone… Alone…
Gosh, there I go again… I’m sorry, I’m just so tired… Maybe I will take a little hit of NyQuil tonight…
Anyways, back to what I was saying. I know there is not enough concrete evidence in my behavior to diagnose me as bipolar. Still, something is different, something changed… Back in February/March… And then the hospital stay… Looking back at my symptoms… The recklessness, the impulsivity, the promiscuity, the paranoia, the dissociation, the need for a high, the loss of control, the rage, the racing, the frantic pacing, the lists, the sticky notes, up late at night, sexting boys, reorganizing clothes…
So I know, I know there is not enough concrete evidence in my behavior to diagnose me as bipolar. But I will say to you now what I told Mom not that long ago - I know many of these symptoms could be attributed to the borderline… But I know what borderline feels like… And something is different… This is different… Yes, this is a different beast.
And looking back now, I see the storm that was about to engulf me… A tsunami… Come to destroy me in its wake… Tangled and twisted like the night that we met… Sheets surround our bodies like rough waters on the Sea of Galilee… My Dear John… God, where am I going with this? … Oh God, forgive me! … Anyways…
The storm that was coming for me… Possibly… A full bipolar breakdown… Possibly…
… I’m doing better now, the medication has really helped… But I fear that one day it won’t be enough to keep violent waters away, and that someday soon people will read this back and think it’s such a shame… Such a shame I sit locked away in a cell… With a brain like swiss cheese… Talking to the rats I live with about Monet, baseball players, and a boy with brown eyes.
…
Do you know something I thought? Something I thought that made tears come to my eyes? - I thought that maybe part of the reason I “want to” be diagnosed with bipolar is because I want to give my pain a name.
… Isn’t that just terribly sad?
9:01 pm
Earlier today I was thinking about Mom and Dad. Tears were in my eyes… Another uncomfortable situation… I felt like someone was accusing me of doing a bad job… Looking back now though, I can see that maybe it was more of a personal conflict… Because there is a very big part of me that feels like I am doing a bad job… So something very minor like the situation today easily triggered my own insecurities and self-doubt… And left me with tears in my eyes, wanting to run home and into Mom and Dad's always open arms.
When I got home though, I was quiet. Dad met me at my car and brought my bags in. Mom was finishing up dinner in the kitchen. I tore off my scrubs, changed into sweats, did my skincare, and thanked God for Mom and Dad… They take care of me… How will I ever repay them?
… When I came back downstairs dinner was ready, and a yellow plate was waiting for me… Dad left it out - He knows the yellow plates are my favorite. Yellow plates, and orange bowls… And they are always left for me. I love and I am loved. I deserve to give and receive love.
9:07 pm
Daily Connection
My nutritionist emailed me back (last week I emailed him regarding my missing menstrual cycle + how my current exercise routine might be influencing it). In his response, my nutritionist said that yes, my exercise routine, and having extremely low body fat and extremely high muscle mass, could be contributing to issues with my menstrual cycle. He then asked if I would consider adjusting my workouts. I emailed him back and cc'd in another fitness expert I have worked with in the past, asking both of them to please help me adjust my routine.
I told them I am very scared. I love working out, it brings me so much joy and peace… It is my life. I am scared to let any part of my routine go… I am scared of losing my physique and my physical abilities… I am scared but I am also hopeful. I want my period back… I want my period back because I love my body and it deserves to be healthy enough to bleed… I want my period back not just for me though… I want my period back because maybe someday I could be a mom… Yeah, maybe someday I could have a baby…
Emotions around adjusting my exercise routine:
Negative Emotions Processed: Scared, fear, afraid, worried, frantic, helpless, trapped, insecure, inferior, inadequate, worthless, ugly, self-hate, shame, guilt, evil, sorry, sleazy, despair, distrust, hopeless, anger, sad, disappointed, let down
Positive Emotions Processed: Hope, relief, peace, relaxed, trust, understood, grateful, support, secure, self-reliant, capable, strong, proud, glad, eager, happy
…
9:18 pm
I need sleep… Sleep… I miss sleeping with someone else… Cuddled up together… “Cuddle,” ugh! I hate the word, lol! - I hate the word… But I love the action… I love it and I miss it… Yeah, these days I sleep alone… But God knows I miss sleeping with someone else…
Now I will let my eyes close and dream a little dream of rose petals in the snow… Because at least then I would feel heat between my thighs and make believe I'm not alone… Because at least then there would be a whisper of hope…
9:23 pm
Rose petals in the snow. Crimson red. My nails. The same shade. As the NyQuil. I didn't take tonight.
Yes, tonight I dream a little dream… Yes tonight I dream I bleed… And tonight I dream my love… Is sleeping next to me.
Never alone, never alone. Oh please dear God, never ever let me be alone.
Tuesday, October 14, 2025
8:26 am
This morning a closed door brought me so much sadness. It’s silly really… Because I know his days are not ruled by my smile, and his nights are not spent dreaming little dreams of me… And yet not a day goes by where I don’t think of him… Where I don’t think of him and send him a little extra love.
10:35 am
Messages (To Mom and Dad):
Me:
I really don't know how much longer I can do this… I'm afraid people are going to come find me and hurt me.
10:48 am
Mom:
It is all ok. Unfortunately, you are seeing the negative side of this experience right now. No one is coming after you. All of your up and down feelings about this experience are important. If you never tried doing this, you would only have imagined regrets. By trying it, you can see all the pros and cons, and that info will be invaluable as you choose your next steps.
11:06 am
Dad:
Nobody is going to hurt you. ... You're doing a good job, you're learning and getting better all the time, and it isn't forever.
3:47 pm
I wore my hair natural today. It made me remember… Something I’ve been trying to forget… He ran his hands through my tangled and twisted locks, asking if my hair was curly naturally. When I told him yes, it was, he smiled, “Oh then our babies really will be beautiful then,” he said. “Mmmhmmm,” I nodded, “We’ll have to keep them under lock and key…” I laughed - “Like you under me…”
So Dear John liked natural curls… And He liked it done - Straight, curled, piled up high in a pretty bun… Just done… Like us, done. I wonder what he likes? - The he who makes me feel at peace… The he I think I will only ever be with in my dreams…Braids? Pigtails? Half up? Half down? Or maybe those slut strands I used to wear all the time… Hair pulled back, with two loose face framing pieces waved all wispy… I wonder… I wonder what he likes… But I have a feeling he likes it not like mine… Yeah, I have a feeling he likes it longer… Longer and light… Attached to a set of thin, tan, lilac tatted thighs…
8:09 pm
Hey, how are you? I’m super tired, and I really have to get some sleep, but I wanted to check in with you before bed. Earlier today I was faced with yet another uncomfortable situation… They just keep coming! - But that’s life I guess… And I’m learning how to handle everything that comes my way!
When the uncomfortable situation initially presented itself, I was in a heightened state of mental distress, and I went into fight or flight mode. My throat felt tight, and I felt tears in my eyes. I wanted to run and hide, and again, I was filled with self doubt. I even stated out loud to a trusted support, “This all just continues reinforcing my fear that I’m doing a bad job.”
It was more than that though… All of the stress I’ve been under has been wrecking havoc on my mental… Again, this results in my brain shutting down. When that happens, I am unable to effectively process my emotions, and my symptoms flare. Symptoms like the paranoia you witnessed this morning in my texts with Mom and Dad. At that time, I wasn’t seeing my cell and noose… I was being Hunted, stalked… The predator coming after me only had one mission - To hurt me.
So, I was in rough shape this morning… But I’ve been worse… So much worse… And looking back now, it barely took any time at all for me to return to baseline and begin processing my emotions around the situation effectively. 30 min maybe? Honestly, maybe even less… I know that by the time I was texting Mom and Dad for help, I was already coming out of it (my heightened mental distress). Even as I was sending my text to them, I knew I didn’t really need their help rationalizing the situation… But I wanted it, and that’s okay. And hey, old habits are hard to break - Before treatment I was completely dependent on others for everything… Even thinking for me… Because I had no sense of independence or ability to think for myself… Post treatment, and as I continue growing in my recovery, I am still learning what healthy help looks like… But I am finding my way, and I am proud of myself.
That was this morning. As the day progressed, so did I - I really didn’t stay trapped in the negative emotions I was feeling, I was able to move on with my day. Then, this afternoon, I had a meeting with someone I respect and admire more than I can even describe. And do you know what? - They told me I’m doing an awesome job. They listened to me, educated me, supported me, encouraged me, and reassured me. I felt so grateful, and by the end of the day, I was able to have a little more faith in myself, and give myself a little more compassion.
Daily Connection
Emotions when the uncomfortable situation from today initially occurred:
Negative Emotions Processed: Fear, scared, frantic, helpless, trapped, worthless, embarrassed, humiliated, shame, insecure, inferior, inadequate, anger, distrust
Emotions around the uncomfortable situation from today as the day progressed and I was able to process all of my emotions more effectively (become more integrated in my thinking about the situation):
Positive Emotions Processed: Peace, acceptance, trust, supported, grateful, self-reliant, self-compassion, proud, strong
Wednesday, October 15, 2025
2:18 am
I can't sleep, so I've been sending some emails. I woke up because I had to pee… But now I can't go back to sleep. I'm hungry too… Nothing crazy, but I do feel a significant level of hunger. I feel relief, but I also feel sadness… I think I've been doing a really good job with my eating, I've been very mindful and working on everything my nutritionist and I talked about at our last appointment. I'm trying to listen to and honor my body. I actually think I'm undereating a little bit, but that's always better than overeating… But then I have to remind myself that undereating has its own negative consequences like slowing my metabolism. More than that, I deserve to eat and to feel joy while doing so. I also want to maintain my body fat and curves especially in my chest, butt, hips, and thighs… So a little extra (healthy!) food and (healthy!) fat in my diet is perfectly alright! … Although I have to remind myself not to get carried away… I have to remind myself what happened a couple years ago… “Yeah, you should've seen her a couple of years ago though! …” And you tell me to move on, but you never let me forget…
… Anyways… What was I saying? - I'm hungry. Hungry and tired. I should try and sleep. 2:18, 2:18…
He waited for me in the hall every day after my 9th period history class. Waited to kiss me, and hold my hand, and walk me to His car… Then we'd drive off to some parking lot and slip to the backseat… And I imagine I don't have to spell out the rest for you, after all, what else would we be doing as two lovesick teens? … Every day. 2:18.
I wonder if anyone will ever wait for me like that again. Wait to kiss me, and hold my hand, and slip to the backseat with me… More than that, someone to walk through life with me. I hope so… I trust so… Yes, I trust he is coming soon… And I trust he will be worth the wait. And tonight, I will send him a little extra love… Because I'm feeling especially lonely and blue today…
Oh lonely and blue, lonely and blue… Such intense feelings lately… Why? I don't know, I don't know. 2:18. 2:18.
… I wonder what day and time I'll meet my love… 2:18? 2:18? I don't know, I don't know… All I know is whatever day and time I meet him, I'll smile and think, “God what a beautiful day, and God what a beautiful time.”
…
I'm going to try to sleep, OK? I only have 2 hrs until I have to get up to workout, and I have a really long day ahead. 2 hrs… 4:30 AM wakeup… What? - Don’t look at me like that! - I have to! I know my 5 AM rule, but this week is crazy! I have to get up at 4:30 AM most days in order to get my workout in and be ready for work on time. It's all OK, I'm working on my schedule and still prioritizing sleep… Sleep, sleep. I need to try to sleep, OK? Okay. Goodnight? … Good morning? … Goodnight and good morning!
… I love you …
5:10 am
I didn't really sleep after waking up and talking to you at 2:18 this morning. 2:18, 2:18. Yeah I didn't really sleep but I had a dream…
I was walking along a narrow path, surrounded by different artists, each looking for a muse. The girl walking next to me was chosen immediately. Her hair was longer than mine… Longer and light. Countless other girls were chosen, leaving me alone. They were sweet and fragrant flowers in bloom, I was tainted like rose petals in the snow.
So there I was, all alone.
All alone, until I walked past one particular artist who was also alone - Working in solitude far away from the crowd of other artists. When he saw me, his world stopped turning…
Eyes wide,
Like Bambi,
Like a deer in headlights…
Jaw on the floor,
Swallow me whole,
Swallow my ego,
Swallow my pride.
He came up to me, radiating an aura of starstruck awe. He treated me like some rare and beautiful mythical thing. Like a unicorn or a mermaid, like a fairytale princess or a queen. Standing in front of me, he gently took my hand and ushered me to the table he was working at. And in that moment, his lifelong prayer was answered. All his dreams came true just by seeing me. I was his muse. So I looked at him and said, “Paint me like a Monet.”
5:42 am
I was just jogging on the stair climber, and thinking about my missing period. Maybe it’s punishment for things I've done.
I think back to cheap gas stations, tests on the counter, sitting and waiting. Waiting, waiting. Waiting for 2 pink lines… Part of me hoping…
Thinking back now, I realize I acted carelessly and recklessly and treated life as a game. Not only my life but His life. Not only our lives, but new life. How could I do something so terrible? How could I treat life with such little respect?
So maybe that’s why, maybe that’s why I don’t have my period. Maybe it is gone forever. As punishment. So I can never be a mom, so I can never have my baby. Because maybe I don’t deserve to be a mom… Yeah, maybe I don’t deserve to have my baby…
And as I was thinking all of this the devil's number splashed across the stair climber screen, recorded in my number of calories. I wondered if those three little neon green numbers served as some kind of sign. A sign confirming my fear… That I am being punished… That I will never be able to have a baby because of the mistakes I made during the time of Him and I.
Then I told myself that no number is in charge of my destiny. I am the only author of my future… Although I also believe there is a God above who has a say too… And sometimes I wonder if the God who guides me loves me or hates me…
7:06 am
“... 'Tis locked inside my memory
And only you possess the key
No longer drowning and deceived
All because you came for me
Locked inside my memory
And only you possess the key
No longer drowning and deceived
All because you came for me…”
…
(The Fate of Ophelia, by Taylor Swift)
I’m driving home. I pass a house on the corner as I turn down my road. A boy is waiting for the bus, he’s probably about 17. He plays football. I know because there’s a sign in the yard with a helmet, his name, and his number, “Go team!” His number is not 52, but it still makes me smile.
He’s smiling sheepishly at his phone, and I wonder if he’s texting a girl he likes. I wonder if he drapes himself against her locker the way she drapes her body over his after hours. I wonder, I wonder…
“... All that time
I sat alone in my tower
You were just honing your powers
Now I can see it all (I can see it all)
Late one night
You dug me out of my grave and
Saved my heart from the fate of
Ophelia…”
…
(The Fate of Ophelia, by Taylor Swift)
My story is different. I saved myself from my tower… He was my tower, not my freedom… And had I stayed with Him in that tower, my heart would have suffered the fate of Ophelia. I'm so happy I left that tower with Him, I'm so happy I never had His baby… 2 pink lines… I saved myself, I became my own freedom.
And now I'm waiting for my love. Someone who will enhance my freedom, not cage it. Someone I can talk to. Someone who will pledge allegiance to me.
9:15 pm
I don't even know where to begin… Honestly, I just need sleep… But, I'll give you the Spark Notes version; An emotional breakdown of the most meaningful moments of my day:
Earlier today I was faced with another uncomfortable situation. I guess I wasn’t kidding when I said they were becoming a daily occurrence. I'm in a better place now mentally, so as I'm writing this, I'm realizing that maybe these uncomfortable situations and my reactions (higher emotional sensitivity and reactivity), are not a bad thing. The situations I’ve been experiencing are all just a part of life - anyone's life - not just mine.
Being presented with new challenges regularly is actually a sign of progress for me. It means I am continuing to learn and grow in my recovery, but also just as a human being! If I was always comfortable, I would never grow… I was told that very same sentiment in the early days of my treatment at the program (PHRP). My provider used the analogy of a lobster outgrowing its shell. She told me growth only occurs when we rise to the challenges we are faced with and work through our discomfort. And look at me now, telling myself that very same thing, being my own therapist!
Anyways, let's talk about the situation from earlier today. I was learning something new, something I don't know how to do… There have been so many “something news” to learn lately, and each new “something new” leaves me feeling so scared and like a complete failure… At least at first…
So there I was, earlier today, fighting back tears, fighting to swallow down the lump in my throat… Trying to manage my emotions and process what I was feeling, but becoming overwhelmed… Lost in a murky sea of feelings I could not quite identify… Like rough waters on the Sea of Galilee.
Focus, Veronica. You have to get this, Veronica. Absorb this, Veronica. And breathe, just breathe.
I couldn't, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe, and I could barely see… But I spoke… An indirect answer to the question she asked me…
She asked me how I was feeling after our training session. I responded, barely able to choke out the words, “Can we… Can we actually just have a little - Oh I'm so sorry (tears, tears) - heart to heart? …”
And then I just broke. Tears, tears… “Come here,” she tells me, meeting me halfway and opening her arms to me. Tears, tears… Tears and a hug… The very best hug, a bear hug, and I was her little cub. She held me so tightly and I felt safe, warm, trusting, and at peace. She told me to breathe, “Breathe baby, just breathe.”
And I did - Safe in her arms, I was able to breathe.
Minutes passed before she let me go, minutes passed before I could breathe on my own. But eventually, she did let me go, and eventually I could breathe on my own. Then she stood in front of me, held my shoulders firmly, and looked me in the eyes, “I'm not going to tell you everything is okay, I'm not going to tell you you're good… What I am going to tell you is you’re processing… Give yourself grace, and give yourself time to process.”
(Isn't that just wild? She speaks DDP and she doesn't even know it!)
When she finally left me, she told me, “I'm going to shut the door, and I want you to stay in here and have a good cry - You need it. Let it all go. Cry baby, just cry.”
And I did, a waterfall of pent up emotions in the form of tears.
9:51 pm
Now I really need to go to bed. I'm letting myself sleep in a little tomorrow because my schedule allows it, thank God. I'm so tired I don't think I even need NyQuil. I haven't been taking it anymore though, I've been good. Still I miss the way it would take the edge off…
… I wonder if that's why he uses nicotine pouches… To take the edge off… But the edge of what? … My boy has many layers… Many sides… He makes me feel at peace, but I suspect - despite his “good boy” exterior - peace is the furthest thing from his own mind…
I could change that… I could take the edge off with my kiss, and have him read between my lines…
My brown eyed boy,
My brown eyed boy.
… I wonder if he ever thinks about having babies… From what I overheard, no, not now… He's enjoying his youth… Still… I wonder what he would think of 2 pink lines… God knows I'll never know… He saves those feelings for girls with longer, light hair, and lilac tatted thighs…
Thursday, October 16, 2025
6:44 am
Them:
“Would you let someone else do what you do to your body?”
Me:
“No…” Shaky voice, smiling but fighting back tears, fighting to swallow down the lump in my throat…
Them:
“There's your answer. You deserve a day of rest.”
Them:
“Now give me a hug! - Mmmm I love you!”
(Safe, secure, trust, loving/loved, cared for/caring, grateful, peace)
2 days, 2 hugs… 2 pink lines…
7:18 am
He breezes by me without a breezy, “Hi,” and some little part of me dies.
7:20 am
His voice could be on the radio. I’d listen to it every day, my favorite sound.
10:20 am
I was thinking more about the uncomfortable situation from yesterday. Later on in the day, I was talking to Mom and Dad not only about the situation, about everything I have going on in my life right now. I was telling them how overwhelmed I feel… How, “I just can't do this anymore…”
Dad helped me put a positive spin on that statement. Dad told me, “Six months ago you would not have been able to handle all of this. I'm not saying you have to carry it forever, but you are carrying it…”
So that had me thinking, it's not a matter of can or can't, it's a matter of doing what is best for me… But that's not necessarily an easy task - Which is what I'm feeling now… Growing pains… Growing pains because finding where you're meant to be involves trial and error, and a series of uncomfortable events… All of which I've been experiencing… I just have to remind myself that this is all normal, all a part of finding my right path.
I am proud of myself, I can see the incredible progress I have made.
One last thing before I have to go (don't worry, I'll check in with you later today!) - Dad told me today, “You are no less beautiful.” - Because I was worried about that… I told Mom and Dad I've been so stressed, and things have been taking such a toll on me mentally and physically… My own self care routine has taken a serious blow to the chest too… So I've been afraid I've been letting myself go… Yeah, I've been afraid I'm less beautiful…
“You are no less beautiful,” I just said to myself out loud… Beautiful, beautiful, like rose petals in the snow.
Messages to Mom and Dad:
6:56 pm
Me:
Can you please come pick me up? I had another bad day and I can't drive home
7:05 pm
Mom:
Dad's leaving in two minutes. Just saw this. We're both coming
7:06 pm
Me:
Thank you
7:31 pm
Mom:
Be there in 5.
10:26 pm
And they were - There in 5.
Hey, how are you? Me? I'm okay now, I really am… I really have to get some sleep but long story short, another uncomfortable situation, another rough day.
Waiting for Mom and Dad, finishing up the job at hand, I broke down again… Crying, big ugly sobs I was embarrassed to release… Even though I was completely alone.
So I sat waiting and crying, but I continued to work… Because I could… Because I had to.
By the time Mom and Dad came, I had come back down almost to baseline emotionally. Mom took my car and Dad drove me home. We talked about lots of things… Once again, Dad said to remember that six months ago, the load I'm carrying would have broken me. Once again, Dad said to remember that this isn't forever, but I'm doing it. Dad said the answer will become clear and the right path will present itself, “And until it does, we are right here for anything you need. Always.”
10:36 pm
It's time to say goodnight… Gosh what a rollercoaster today was… But I am settled now… Settled and cozy in bed, sending you my love and smiling… Because my friend is on the phone, reading my Tarot…
I honestly do think you have a connection
You have the ability to magic up a bigger connection between you two
I feel like there is some sort of balance between you two if not a connection
For the things that go well between you two, I drew justice, which is about balance
Like you guys compliment each other
…
I asked my friend, “Can you get a sense about how he sees/feels about me?”
… But more on that tomorrow, now it's time for sleep… “Oh wait, but one more thing!” - I messaged my friend - “Oh wait, but one more thing! - Have I told you he makes me feel at peace?”
My brown eyed boy,
My brown eyed boy.
…
Also have I told you he makes me feel at peace? Like that's the feeling I get when he's near or when I think about him, just calm and peaceful... SAFE too!!! He makes me feel so, so safe... Like he'd never let anything bad happen to me, not one little thing.
…
Not one little thing.
