10/8 - 10/12 pt2
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions. My initial emotions will often sound extreme, but that’s the BPD talking. The Borderline Diaries put those emotions out there, because we can’t understand what we can’t see. The Borderline Diaries are me talking - sorting through my emotions to get to my healthy feelings, my healthy relationships, and my healthy life.
Themes Of The Week
This week was a week of soul searching and finding my inner strength. It was also a week of learning how to rest. I was faced with some extremely high stress situations that had me doubting myself and the path that I’m on. Still, I fought back. I was able to process my emotions independently, as well as lean on others for support. Once my emotions were processed thoroughly and under control, I was able to rationally analyze how I was truly feeling. I feel confident and secure in my decisions, and believe I am on the right path. I am doing good things… I’m not just “on” a path, I’m making my own… As I write this, I’m realizing I think some of the emotions I’ve been struggling with this week are stemming from a fear of the unknown. I will set an intention to remind myself of the saying, “... It’s not the destination, it’s the journey…” More importantly, I will remind myself of the saying, “Enjoy the journey.”
As I dealt with my emotions around the stressful situations I was faced with this week, as well as questioning my place in the world, one key takeaway became clear to me - I need rest. I need sleep. I need time to just relax… I need time to just be. So, that is something I will continue to be working on.
Finally, this week I realized something very important. Between seeing Him move on, and writing my letter to my Dear John, I realized I have never been in love. Never. I have never loved someone romantically, I have only ever been obsessed. Of course, part of me hopes and trusts that will change… But there is another part of me that fears it never will… And that sends me to a lonely place in my mind… Filled with sadness and depsair… So while I am proud of myself, and even empowered by my realization, it has also been emotionally exhausting to deal with the emotional aftermath… But I’m holding strong in myself… After all, this is actually what my Good Doctor trained me for… It is what he saved me for.
Dealing with feelings of emptiness and loneliness
Identifying fantasy vs reality
Processing the emotional triggers behind fantasies
Feeling intense sadness and loss
Feeling overwhelmed, feeling angry
Accepting negative emotions - Feeling negative emotions does not always make me “sick,” sometimes it just makes me human.
Feeling alone, and sitting with the pain and sadness that comes with loneliness while also trying to hold space for hope
I Like Baseball Players Though…
Part II
Entry Dates
Wednesday, October 8, 2025 – Sunday, October 12, 2025
Wednesday, October 8, 2025
5:57 am
My cheery good morning was met with a curt, “Hey.” - And they didn’t even look at me as they said it. Then, as I apologized for not having my ID, and asked for them to scan me in, they cut me off, "You're fine. Just go.”
Taken aback, I thanked them, and scurried off, wondering what I had done wrong. This is the second time in a row this individual has been cross with me… I know everyone has off days, and their behavior might not even be related to me… But still, I’m left feeling attacked and hurt… And wondering what they know…
7:14 am
Yesterday, I told you I've never been in love before… Never in love, only infatuated… Obsessed…
I believe that to be entirely true.
In a sense…
I have been in love in the same way my Dear John said he has loved - I love my family. More than that, I love my friends, and all people I cross paths with. From my cashier at Wegmans to the janitor at the gym who left without saying goodbye. Yes, I love openly and wholly… I love all people, great and small.
I also love the providers in my therapy program. I love all of them equally and uniquely, the way a mother loves her many children. Yes, they are all so very special to me, but my therapist was actually my first love. Until I learned how to love with her, I had not truly loved anyone. She taught me how to love, and how to love in a healthy way.
Still, I have yet to put those skills to use in a romantic sense… So I stand by my original statement to you - I have never been in love. Never in love, always obsessed.
I trust that will change though. I trust healthy romantic love is in my future. And do you know how I’ll know when I am in love? - Really, truly, and healthy in love? - Because it won’t feel high, it will just feel peaceful.
5:37 pm
“I know I say it all the time… But I don't know if I can do this…”
7:27 pm
“Oh. My. God. That was the longest fucking day of my life.”
7:46 pm
“... Your love is like drugs, and I had suitcases full of it
Never thought the day would come when I would burn through it all
Give you a call, and beg for some more (yeah)...”
…
(Love Is Like, by Lil Wayne and Maroon 5)
I'm thinking about his nicotine pouches and about how I could replace his addiction…
7:52 pm
I can't wait to get home and tell Mom and Dad all about my day. They let me know dinner is ready and they are waiting for me. They love me and I love them. So much. Thank God for them.
9:55 pm
I'm exhausted and I need to sleep. I set my alarm for 6 am because I have the morning off so I can workout later. I'm learning how to show myself love. Quick emotional check in before I sleep though:
Daily Connection
Today was a high stress day for me. I was faced with a variety of unique situations each with their own set of challenges - One right after the other. Honestly it was brutal. But you know what? I did it - I really believe that I handled each situation beautifully. I'm still learning (and always will be), but I'm good at what I do. I am safe, I am thorough, I am efficient, I am effective, and I am compassionate. I am proud of myself, very proud.
I am also grateful for all of the support I received today. I am so blessed to be in this position. Someone said to me, “You know what I was just thinking? - This is all still completely new to you. You are being presented with new situations each and every day because you just started doing this. Imagine where you'll be and everything you'll know in just a few years.”
Emotions during the high stress situations I was presented with today:
Negative Emotions Processed: Frantic, fear, scared, worried, helpless, trapped, despair, hopeless, shame, embarrassed, evil, sorry
Emotions around how I handled the situations, the outcomes, and the support I received:
Positive Emotions Processed: Calm, capable, relaxed, grateful, relief, proud, self-reliant, secure, trust, hope, supported, understood, cared for/caring, compassion (self)
10:05 pm
I said it again… Earlier tonight to Mom and Dad, “I don't know how much longer I can do this…”
Last night. Sweats. A nightmare. Specific. And as I fell asleep… My heart was pounding… And I could not breathe…
Mom told me to get a good night's sleep. No impulsive decisions. I'm aware, and I will continue on my journey with that awareness, and make informed decisions. The answer will become clear when it's meant to. For right now, I am exactly where I need to be, and I am grateful.
10:10 pm
Okay, okay, I really need sleep… But I was just thinking… It's getting to be cold-weather season… And you know what that means… Winter hats with a blue and orange pom-pom… Winter hats with the name of his college alma mater…
God you're such a dork! … And God I love you so…
Not high… Just peaceful…
So this is love?
I don't know…
Thursday, October 9, 2025
6:26 am
Hey baby. New white sneakers look good on you. You know what though? - I think I'd look good on you too…
11:35 am
“... In New York (ayy, ah-ha) (uh, yeah)
Concrete jungle (yeah) where dreams are made of
There's nothin' you can't do (yeah) (okay)
Now you're in New York (ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha) (uh, yeah)
These streets will make you feel brand new (new)
Big lights will inspire you (come on) (okay)
Let's hear it for New York (you're welcome, OG) (uh)...”
…
(Empire State of Mind, by Jay-Z, featuring Alicia Keys)
Red shirt flexing,
Showing off your guns,
To the kids -
The kids who want to be just like you when they grow up.
And oh as if…
As if I needed a reason to love you more…
Yet here I sit, stalking,
Falling for you more and more -
The you on my screen…
Fantasy rather than reality…
Oh but baby,
I'm on my way,
On my way to see you soon…
Will fantasy become reality then?
Or tragedy?
7:36 pm
Email to my nutritionist:
Menstrual Cycle:
As you know, I got my period back in April of this year (it took almost a year after going off of my hormonal birth control for me to get it back). My cycle was regular in Apr, May, Jun, and Jul. Then, it disappeared again in Aug, Sep, and now Oct (no symptoms or spotting at all).
I know you have said you do not think overexercise or my body composition could be causing this issue, but I have a few other providers (including my gynecologist) who are concerned these are leading factors. I'm wondering if having such a low body fat % and high muscle % could be causing the lack of a menstrual cycle. Or, if having such a high muscle % could be causing hormonal imbalances that are causing the lack of a menstrual cycle (too much testosterone)?
I know we've talked about the possibility of stress as a cause, but I truly have not felt any more stressed in Aug/Sep/Oct than I did in Apr/May/Jun/Jul/Aug.
I have an appointment at my gynecologist's office on Tue 10/21 for a blood draw. I can chat with the nurse who draws my blood to schedule an appointment at that time. I am concerned because before I got my period back naturally in Apr, they were going to have me take a progesterone pill to induce my cycle.
Please let me know your thoughts on this + any more holistic recommendations to support healthy hormones and a healthy cycle.
I will keep you updated, and thank you as always for your care!
Thank you,
Veronica
8:58 pm
I have something to tell you… Please don't be mad… I took more NyQuil tonight. I know I need to be careful, but I'm still getting over this cold, I just can't shake it… I'm exhausted, my whole body aches… So I just needed it for sleep, okay? I just needed it for one more day, okay?
… And as the sickly sweet thick cherry liquor trickled down my throat, I thought of Him. I got those terrible shivers of disgust when I swallowed Him down… NyQuil to quiet my mind, NyQuil to ease the pain, NyQuil to put me to sleep… A Band-Aid on a bullet hole… A coverup… But a coverup of what?
I'm thinking about my endoscopy now… How much I was looking forward to it - To being put to sleep… And how terribly sad I was when I woke up and it was over… Tell me, what does that say about me?
…
I know I need to process more… Anger… I was angry today… Angry because I don't have time to be sick…
I know I need to process more but my eyes are closing… Yes, yes! - It's working, the NyQuil is working! - I'm being put to sleep. Oh I love it! And oh I'm so happy! Peace, peace, sweet relief! … Sleep, sweet sleep. Thank God. I need it.
Friday, October 10, 2025
9:26 pm
I'm sorry I've been quiet today. My body has been giving out on me, screaming for me to stop, to slow down, to make time for rest… And today I listened.
Tomorrow I'll process more with you, but now I need sleep.
… I've still been writing to my Dear John, my letter is coming to a close, and that kind of breaks my heart…
I just got the urge to text him for sex, but I decided to hold off.
I also had the urge to take more NyQuil this morning… And tonight, but I held off… I don't need it… I don't need it.
Aren't you proud of me? - I'm trying to be.
… But I am lonely and sad, and I miss his touch. I suppose I will just have to make due with my own, and the memory of what was.
Saturday, October 11, 2025
8:17 am
I was doing my treadmill incline walk, watching baseball on the TV, and dreaming of my Dear John.
“She's amazing,”
“So incredible,”
“And adorable!”
“Yeah, you should've seen her a couple of years ago though! …”
And people tell me to move on… But how can I when they never let me forget?
7:55 pm
Messages:
Me:
He was there this morning and (he) looked like poo and something so embarrassing happened I don't even know how to describe it
Do you think he doesn't like me because I used to be bigger?
Some man was talking about me, and he meant this as a compliment, but he was like, "You should have seen her a couple of years ago! ..."
I'm not sure if he heard but still... And that wasn't even the embarrassing part
8:17 pm
Messages:
Me:
I looked like poo***
He was beautiful as always
The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen
8:22 pm
Messages:
My Friend:
I definitely don’t think it’s because you used to be bigger
I’m not sure what it is though
There’s nothing wrong with you
Nothing you need to fix or change
8:25 pm
Messages:
Me:
Thank you I needed to hear that. I really wish that I knew what it was though. My best guess is it's bc I'm crazy and he's not down for that which I understand
8:30 pm
Hey. I know I said I’d process more today, but I’ve still been focusing on other aspects of my recovery… I’ve been focusing on rest.
I slept in until 6:33 am this morning - I didn’t even set an alarm. Then I hit the gym and was able to take my time with my workout, and really enjoy it without having to rush around. After the gym I took a long shower, which felt good… It feels good to be clean…
Then I spent the rest of the day taking care of my weekly chores, and prepping for the week ahead. I won’t lie, I also spent a lot of time on the couch, wrapped up in a heated blanket, finishing up my letter to my Dear John. I told you it’s coming to an end… How tragic… Just like us… But when to send it? … I’ll know, I’ll know when it’s ready.
Still, rewriting the past has me all up in my head… Reliving the nights I spent in his bed…
Later in the evening, I went for a walk. Just two miles, which is something my nutritionist and I talked about - Just two mile walks on the days I also workout intensely. I’ve been doing really well with that so far, and with eating mindfully. Enjoying movement and food, honoring my body. Anyways, I tried to walk away the cobwebs in my mind - The ones my Dear John left there - Yeah, I tried to walk them away in the crisp autumn air… Listening to Taylor Swift, and wondering if anyone will ever save me from The Fate of Ophelia, or paint my sky Opalite.
Then I remembered that my Good Doctor taught me how to save myself, and that I paint my own sky up pretty in pastel colors. Yes, I am a Monet painting, beautiful and rare… That must be why I feel so alone…
So even though I am my heart’s home, I fought back tears as I listened to melodies of love and an athletic prince charming.
…
My Dear John… I so wanted him to be the one to save me from my tower… And that's probably why it didn't work out in the end… Because I need to be the one to save myself… Still, is it so wrong? - To wish and pray he comes back to help?
…
Then there’s him…The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen…
Not high… Just peaceful…
So this is love?
I don't know…
I don’t know…
He doesn’t play baseball…
And I like baseball players though…
8:59 pm
I’m going to sleep soon, but I wanted to share this with you…
I’m feeling very angry and frustrated because this next week is going to be very busy, and potentially stressful for me. I was sharing that with Mom, and swearing up a storm (a presentation of anger). Mom being her normal cheerful self tried to help me, offering positive mantras and solutions. See, that’s the thing about moms, especially my Mom - They want to fix things for their babies. Mom’s glass half full attitude only soured my attitude more, and I persisted in my glass half empty thinking. I think I felt so angry because I didn’t want Mom to fix it, I just wanted her to listen…
I could tell Dad understood this, as he listened in… Making eyes at Mom, signaling for her to stop. Dad truly knows me like the back of his hand, yes, I am my father’s daughter… But don’t ever think I love my mother any less… And as I say that, I flashback to something she once said…
In the depths of my years in hell… I don’t remember the time… The time or the date… I don’t even remember my own mother’s face… But I remember her words, clear as day, “I knew you before anybody else… Even before Dad… For nine whole months before you were his, you were mine…”
…
I understand Mom. If I ever had a baby, I know I would want to fix everything for them too.
… And now I’m sad… Sad because I’m once again left wondering if I’ll ever be a mom… Yeah, sad because I’m once again left wondering if I’ll ever have a baby…
Oh God, I am so alone. Without even the warm comfort of bloody sheets; without even rose petals in the snow…
10:58 pm
I can't sleep. I should've taken NyQuil. Just one more night… I’m taking it tomorrow night, I don't care. I need it. I need it to sleep, and I need sleep to get through my long week.
Yeah I couldn't sleep, so I touched myself instead. I wonder what that says…
All I know is it just left me feeling empty and wishing I could have a healthy relationship with sex.
Now I'm thinking of my Dear John, and being tangled and twisted up in his sheets… Thinking of his hands all over me… Thinking of being all up in his bed… Thinking, and thinking, my boy’s got me all up in my head…
And now I'm thinking of my brown eyed boy and how he brings me peace… Peace even though I’ve never been tangled and twisted up in his sheets… Peace even though I don’t think I ever will be… Peace just when he’s standing next to me/in the same room as me/near me/breathing the same air as me…
So this is love?
I don't know…
I don’t know…
He doesn’t play baseball…
And I like baseball players though…
11:03 pm
Sometimes I want to light a match and set you on fire, turning my back on you as you burn to the ground.
… Maybe that's the real reason God won't let me be a mom… Good moms would do anything to fix their babies… But I will destroy my baby when it can't fix me.
Sunday, October 12, 2025
3:07 pm
I wish eating was easier for me… I’m sitting here, trying to take notes on my latest sociology lecture… But I’m starving! - I paused the lecture halfway through to get a snack, 1 whole banana with 2 full tablespoons of cashew butter. I feel guilty and afraid because I’m eating a whole banana. I feel guilty and afraid because the 2 tablespoons of cashew butter I measured out were very full. I feel guilty and afraid because I scooped an extra little bit of cashew butter off the rim of the jar and licked it off my finger…
… Eating is a necessary biological process… More than that, it is a symbol of community, family, and love… So why do I feel guilty and fearful? Maybe it’s because it contains those painful emotions and gives them a place to live… And food, eating, exercise, and my body have served as their home for years… And still I hear, “Yeah, you should've seen her a couple of years ago though! …” Echoing in my ears…
8:29 pm
Maybe I've told you this before, but I'm going to tell you again… But baby I gotta warn you - I'm sure this will happen a lot in our relationship, me saying things I've already said…
Anyways… Someone once told me my person is coming, but until they do to send them a little love whenever I'm feeling blue… Because they're out there somewhere longing for me as much as I'm longing for them.
… I'm feeling a little extra blue today… It’s a heart-achingly blue, melancholy kind of sad - Like a Littmus Lozenge, in Because of Winn-Dixie… Yeah… Just like that. So I’ll get on my knees and pray tonight, before I lay me down to sleep… And I will send my baby - Who I know is coming a little extra love… Oh wherever you are, and whoever you may be, I pray you come soon, I pray you find me… And whenever you come, and however we met, I will know it's you, because I will feel peace.
“... All that time
I sat alone in my tower
You were just honing your powers
Now I can see it all (see it all)
Late one night
You dug me out of my grave and
Saved my heart from the fate of
Ophelia…”
…
(The Fate of Ophelia, by Taylor Swift)
8:39 pm
Daily Connection
I don't know why, but I am feeling more intense feelings of loneliness and sadness lately. I really want someone to talk to… In that special way… I really want someone to love…
I'm so afraid I will be alone forever. I have so much love to give, and sometimes I feel like it will crush me if I don't have someone to share it with… Maybe that's the real cross God burdened me with - I love too deeply… So deeply it turns into obsession… So deeply it almost kills me…
Negative Emotions Processed: Sadness, hopeless, despair, lonely, alone, hurting, fear, afraid, bitter, angry, jealous, ugly, helpless, trapped, unfulfilled, discontent
Positive Emotions Processed: Hope, trust, eager, content (self), fulfillment (self), love (self), grateful, patience…
…
… Patience… Good things come to those who wait… I trust that someday, not too far away, I will read this back with him - whoever he may be - and we will both agree, we were worth the wait.
“... Keep it one hundred
On the land, the sea, the sky
Pledge allegiance to your hands
Your team, your vibes
Don't care where the hell you been
'Cause now you're mine
It's 'bout to be the sleepless night
You've been dreaming of
The fate of Ophelia…”
…
(The Fate of Ophelia, by Taylor Swift)
