10/6 - 10/7 pt1

You Take Care of You!

I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!

What is the Borderline Diary?

It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest?  Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone. 

Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions. My initial emotions will often sound extreme, but that’s the BPD talking. The Borderline Diaries put those emotions out there, because we can’t understand what we can’t see. The Borderline Diaries are me talking - sorting through my emotions to get to my healthy feelings, my healthy relationships, and my healthy life.

Themes Of The Week

This week was a week of soul searching and finding my inner strength. It was also a week of learning how to rest. I was faced with some extremely high stress situations that had me doubting myself and the path that I’m on. Still, I fought back. I was able to process my emotions independently, as well as lean on others for support. Once my emotions were processed thoroughly and under control, I was able to rationally analyze how I was truly feeling. I feel confident and secure in my decisions, and believe I am on the right path. I am doing good things… I’m not just “on” a path, I’m making my own… As I write this, I’m realizing I think some of the emotions I’ve been struggling with this week are stemming from a fear of the unknown. I will set an intention to remind myself of the saying, “... It’s not the destination, it’s the journey…”  More importantly, I will remind myself of the saying, “Enjoy the journey.” 

As I dealt with my emotions around the stressful situations I was faced with this week, as well as questioning my place in the world, one key takeaway became clear to me - I need rest. I need sleep. I need time to just relax… I need time to just be. So, that is something I will continue to be working on. 

Finally, this week I realized something very important. Between seeing Him move on, and writing my letter to my Dear John, I realized I have never been in love. Never. I have never loved someone romantically, I have only ever been obsessed. Of course, part of me hopes and trusts that will change… But there is another part of me that fears it never will… And that sends me to a lonely place in my mind… Filled with sadness and depsair… So while I am proud of myself, and even empowered by my realization, it has also been emotionally exhausting to deal with the emotional aftermath… But I’m holding strong in myself… After all, this is actually what my Good Doctor trained me for… It is what he saved me for. 

Dealing with feelings of emptiness and loneliness 

Identifying fantasy vs reality

Processing the emotional triggers behind fantasies 

Feeling intense sadness and loss 

Feeling overwhelmed, feeling angry 

Accepting negative emotions - Feeling negative emotions does not always make me “sick,” sometimes it just makes me human. 

Feeling alone, and sitting with the pain and sadness that comes with loneliness while also trying to hold space for hope 

I Like Baseball Players Though…

Part I

Entry Dates

Monday, October 6, 2025 – Tuesday, October 7, 2025

Monday, October 6, 2025 

5:50 am 

I just woke up and I'm starving. The kind of starving where you're so hungry you feel like you're gonna throw up. I breathe a sigh of relief - Thank God - I didn't eat too much. 

9:28 am

I'm waiting to be taken into my endoscopy procedure. I'm watching the little TV they have playing healthcare related ads and info in the admin room. A new slide flashes across the screen and catches my attention, “Make time to rest, your body needs it.”

And here I was planning to ask if I can workout later this afternoon… 

9:33 am

When I was filling out the paperwork for my endoscopy, I checked that I wanted a pregnancy test done.

The form asked for the date of my last period… I wasn't sure exactly, and I didn't want to look back in my phone, so I just said July 2025. I've missed it for two, going on three months now. I haven't had sex since May 4th, and I had two regular periods after that (July and August), but it was unprotected sex… I don't know if it would be possible… And I have no other symptoms of pregnancy besides my missed period… But I feel like I'd better check… 

Cause I really can't be a mom right now, yeah I really can't have a baby right now…

And if I did, I would be alone… Because there's no way my Dear John would come back to save me… Me or our baby… 

I miss him though. I feel so alone, and sad, and empty. 

6:49 pm

I'm out walking now, and I'm just thinking back to my procedure early this morning. When I was coming out of it - still under the influence - there was a nurse with me. He was older, I'd say mid-late 50s. He was short and broad, and bald with glasses. He was nice. He asked if I wanted something to drink - “Maybe Ginger Ale?” I asked kindly if I could have water instead, and before I knew it, there was a little cup of water in my hand. 

Then I remember hearing my nurse talking to another healthcare worker about baseball. He included me in the conversation, and asked me if I liked sports. I answered him with a smile and said, “To be honest, not really,” and I chuckled. My nurse smiled at me, and said, “Hey, that’s okay - Nothing wrong with that!” Then there was a pause in conversation as he checked my vitals. I broke the brief silence with another anesthetic giggle, and said, “I like baseball players though…”

“Oh yeah? …” My nurse responded with a laugh and a smile. Then there was another little pause. Then, my nurse continued his thought, “... In what way?” He asked it lightly, and with humor. My answer was quick, concise, and said with an overflowing sense of confidence - “To date.” I smiled my Hollywood smile, smug - content with my answer, and gleaming with pride. That really made my nurse laugh, he had a great laugh. And that’s all I remember for a little while. 

I started remembering again when my nurse was helping me walk towards the pickup area. He asked me, “Okay, so you like baseball players - What kind?” Then he guessed with the same sense of confidence I had originally displayed, “Pitchers?” I smiled real big, and shook my head, “Catchers.” Now that really made him laugh. His eyebrows shot up in surprise as he responded, “Oh really?” He continued, “You know I used to play as a catcher - Years and years ago…” He told me that right before he left me alone in a chair, waiting to be picked up. 

“... Baby, you can

Ride it, ooh, yeah

Bring it over to my place

And you be like

"Baby, who cares?"

But I know you care

Bring it over to my place

…

You don't know what you did, did to me

Your body lightweight speaks to me

I don't know what you did, did to me

Your body lightweight speaks to me…”

…

(Under the Influence, by Chris Brown)

…

And now I'm walking and I’m thinking about all that. And of course I'm thinking about my Dear John, and I'm missing him, and I'm sighing, and looking out at the flamingo pink sun setting behind the rolling hills. Looking at the trees and foliage reflecting in the clear water on the horizon, I'm seeing now that it's not quite all green. It's changing… Changing… Green melts to yellow which fades into orange which lights up as red… Changing colors, changing seasons. My Dear John. Reason, season, lifetime. I suppose it's silly to hope we’ll come back together and last a lifetime… We didn't even last a season… Oh but baby, when you look back at our time together, I hope you can say it was all for some reason…

“... You thought that it was special, special

But it was just the sex, though, the sex, though

And I still hear the echoes (the echoes)

I got a feeling that it's time to let it go, let it go

…

Seasons change and our love went cold

Feed the flame 'cause we can't let go

Run away, but we're running in circles

Run away, run away…”

…

(Circles, by Post Malone)

7:00 pm

“... But the night I said, "I'm leavin', " I turned into Richard Petty

Broke my heart, so I got even in my '97 Chevy

Now I'm walkin' on this water mixed with Johnnie Walker Black

There's a lotta reasons I ain't Jesus, but the main one is that

…

I ain't comin' back

Oh, no, no, I ain't comin' back…” 

…

(I Ain’t Coming Back, by Morgan Wallen and Post Malone)

Swish, swish, my hips fall into their old familiar rhythm, and I dance down the road with my shadow - I think she’s just beautiful, and I tell her so. She’s a faceless creature, but I just know she’s smiling at me. And yes, we dance, dance down the road, safely tucked away behind the white sideline… Dancing under our shimmering moon, dancing under our shimmering sky. And I toss and turn my body in the same wild ways I did with my Dear John, on those first and final holy nights… Hips bumping, hands raking through my hair, arms Gone with the Wind, face tossing and turning violently from side to side… Like me in his sheets on those first and final holy nights… Yeah I move my body to the beat like I’m playing strip poker… Only this time I’m alone… Alone in the chair he left me in… Waiting to be picked up. 

9:21 pm

I'm sad. I miss being under the influence. I was looking forward to it so much… Now I have post-high depression. I don't know which is better - Nicotine kisses, or anesthetic kisses… All I know is I miss my Dear John… Yes, tonight I miss him so very much. 

Tuesday, October 7, 2025

4:05 am

I know I said no more 4 am days… My body really does need sleep… Physically, mentally… But this morning I have my appointment with my medication provider at 8 am, therapy right after at 9 am, then my nutrition appointment right after that… The 8 am appointment means I have to be leaving my house by 7:20 am at the latest… And even that will have me pushing it… So yeah, here I am breaking my own rule so I can fit in a nice, long, killer workout before I start my day - but hey, rules are meant to be broken! 

In all seriousness though, I'm not going to make this 4 am thing my regular routine again, that was brutal and not healthy for me. Once in a while if “needed,” fine. Other than that I'm sticking to my “up no earlier than 5 am,” rule. 

I'm going to try to be in bed early tonight too… And I really need to get an alarm clock… And be better about being on my phone/devices near bedtime… It's hard when I'm writing you though… Sometimes my brain has all these ideas late at night… Little bouts of “mania”… Speaking of, I do miss my high… I mean I love my newfound mental stability and all that… But don't be mistaken… I miss my high… I miss it so very much…

5:01 am

I'm feeling very worried about my body and my eating. I feel a significant level of hunger now, but I didn't wake up starving, starving… So idk, I'm worried. I'm really grateful to have a check-in with my nutritionist today.

10:21 am

“Living the good life full of goodbyes

My eyes are on the grey skies

Saying I don't want to come home tonight

Yeah, and I'm high up, off what?

I don't even remember

But my friend passed out in the Uber ride

…

Oh, I'm from the city of the 9-1-5

Where all the girls are pretty

And they're down for the hype

All my boys are with me

Going up for the night

But who cares, who cares

'Cause this is our year…”

…

(American Teen, by Khalid)

Suddenly, there’s a brutal pain in my chest, and I swear I lose my vision for a split instant in time. But my mind is still aware… Even as the light fades from my eyes… As I regain consciousness, I look around frantically for the sniper who shot me through the heart. But he is nowhere to be found… No - He’s back home now. He fled the scene of the crime after the fatal blow, left me alone, tangled and twisted, left me alone like rose petals in the snow. 

…

Today is grey and cloudy, rain showers down on my Subaru as I fight my way through orange construction cones and flashing lights, barrelling down the busy byway. Busy, huh… I chuckle to myself, knowing full well that nothing about my world was busy to him… American Teen… This song makes me think of him… No sleep… A different city every other week… Countless Uber rides, second nature. Whereas I never leave my home… I’ve only ever flown twice in my life, and never alone… My upcoming trip has my stomach in knots, and has been stealing my precious sleep away from me… What if I have to call an Uber? … Alone? … 

…

Recovered from the intense bout of sadness I felt - a shot through the heart - I am now left sitting with my grief. God I do miss him… I miss him so very much… I miss him and I worry about him… I just want him to be safe, safe and happy. But how could I ever protect someone I can’t lock down? Always moving… Always running… But from who? - Me? … Or himself… Himself and the secret we both know he keeps… 

I suppose all I can do now is pray to baby Jesus, and ask him to protect my baby for me. I know he will. I trust in the Lord. 

…

Yet still my heart breaks, and I flashback to a recent girl dinner… Only a couple weeks ago. It was the four of us - My lovely ballerina, my pretty baby, my gentle swan, and me. I was sitting on the grass next to my girl. Still wet and smelly from my workout - I hadn’t had time to change my clothes. Filling up on a brown rice, sweet potato, avocado, and crispy tofu bowl. A small town's attempt at big city living… Something that would make him give me a playful squeeze as he teased me about rolling hills and old back roads…

Anyways, the four of us were sitting there, chatting, laughing, and catching up. They asked me about work and school, and balancing everything. I told them it was a lot, and laughed, saying, “I see why people go to college when they’re 18…” Then I got kinda serious, picking at a leaf, then giving up and playing with the laces on my sneakers… “I really do wish I had been able to have that college experience,” I said sadly… They know why I couldn’t… They know my story… They know the cage my mind had me living in for years… 

We all got quiet then. Quiet until I broke my hands away from my bunny laces, and broke the silence with a giggle, “... Because you know - Boys and stuff!” And with that we were all giggling, revoking sadness’ seat at our table. 

…

… But sadness follows me everywhere, so I felt its presence still… And I was thinking about him then, my Dear John… 

Thinking about another time, another life, where we are just young and dumb… College sweethearts who met in some boring class our love made fun… A historical city campus, busy and bustling… But as far as we’re concerned, we are the only inhabitants. His jersey fits me like a glove, and I cover him with kisses in between classes. We run the town, and I have no fear of the blinding lights at all… I Uber to his apartment, show him how much I really love him, and fall asleep in his arms… As he tells me he loves me, and whispers in my ear, asking me to just move in already… I regain consciousness, and look him in the eyes and reply, “Yes, yes I will move in with you!” And then he pulls me close as I giggle and squeal… And he triumphantly calls out, “Why don’t you just marry me then?” … And I laugh and laugh… But then realize, he’s gone quiet, and he’s looking at me all serious with those bright, kind eyes… “Will you?” He asks… “Will you marry me?” And I don’t wait a single instant before I shout out, “YES!” - “Yes I will marry you!” - “Yes I do!” -  God knows I do… God knows “I do” … 

And then we both fall into a peaceful sleep, happy, in love, and tangled and twisted up in his sheets.

…

Oh God… There I go again, a victim of the fantasies I create in my head… But coming back to reality, and thinking back to that girl dinner… It is now abundantly clear to me that the sadness I was feeling was because I was mourning a loss - The loss of the opportunity to fall in love again as a child - You see, my first love - Him - lasted all my childhood years, from age 16 to age 21. Then we lost each other, and by the time I recovered from not only that loss of love, but the eruption of my illness and the loss of myself… I was no longer a child… That time is now… And now, I am a young adult… In my mid-twenties… So I missed out on the opportunity to fall in love again as a child, that young, dumb, carefree kind of love and innocence that still lies in the college years -  I mean 18, oh 18! What I wouldn't give to be 18 again! 18 is just a baby… Just a baby… I lost my baby…

… What was I saying? … Oh yes! Forgive me… I was saying at girl dinner, I was sad for a moment… Talking about college, and boys, and dreaming about my Dear John… I was sad because I was grieving… Grieving the loss of a fantasy… Of something that never will be… Of another childlike kind of love… And one that survives… Survives and thrives…

But maybe even more than that… I was mourning the actual loss of my Dear John, not just the fantasy of us I had created in my mind… I was mourning not only the fantasy, but the reality of him and my love for him.

And God… Isn’t that just the most painful thing?   

10:37 am

“Ooh-ooh

Ooh-ooh, mm

…

Your love is like drugs, and I had suitcases full of it

Never thought the day would come when I would burn through it all

Give you a call, and beg for some more (yeah)...”

…

(Love Is Like, by Lil Wayne and Maroon 5)

I’m thinking back to my appointment with my provider this morning… Something that she said, “I have a feeling, substances would push you right over the edge…” 

She's right. I know she is. If substances had ever been a part of my life, I know for certain I would be dead.

And then there’s now. They could push the bipolar break, and force me to the point of no return… “If that was in the cards for you, so to speak…” And why wouldn’t it be? - When thus far, the deck has been stacked against me?

And now I’m just thinking - Maybe that's why I like to flirt so close to the edge… My dirty clean boys… A second-hand high… I can taste my forbidden fruit on them…

Oh, but don’t you know - I don’t need substances at all. Not really - Not when I have my boys. My boys are my drug. Yeah, I’m an addict alright… Addicted to their bodies, addicted to their minds… And obsessed… Obsessed with replacing their substance crutch… Obsessed with becoming their one and only vice. 

…

11:33 am

“... Uh, your love is like dope, got me twisted like rope

Leslie Lowe, if she left a note, it was murdered as she wrote

I'm addicted to you, look what's addicted to you

When I talk about your love, it like I'm snitching on you

I'm hallucinatin', you got me seeing things

I see you in my future, baby, you're intoxicatin'

Got me high as hell, you're my cartel, baby

I'm your clientele, –” 

…

(Love Is Like, by Lil Wayne and Maroon 5)

I’m pumping gas, and thinking about sex. Well… It’s not that simple really… It never is… Is it? 

I’m pumping gas, thinking too many thoughts… All of my appointments were a lot to take in… 

Love vs obsession… Have I ever been in love, I mean really been in love? I think about my poor Dear John, and how he admitted to never having loved someone. And in my mind, I crucified him for it, and swore I would be the one to change his mind… Yet here I was, throwing stones against him for my same crime. I don’t know that I have ever been in love, now that I really think about it. 

… Just a couple of hours ago I said so to my therapist, “Even Him - I don’t know that I ever really loved Him. I think honestly, maybe I was just obsessed with Him.” Said with confidence and without shame… I was open to exploring and growing from the sad concept… I feel proud realizing that, as I flashback to another time… 2022… With my old therapist… The one who saved me by referring me to my current program… Fresh off the breakup… She asked me point blank, “Do you think you’re obsessed with Him?” I couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak… I entered that stroke-like state… Filled with blind rage, I threw the insult (as I perceived it) back on her, hissing that maybe she didn’t know what real love looked like… Was that what it was? - Love? - Him and I? No, no… Now I don’t think so…

Now I flashback to 2017… Back to two cheap movie theatre seats… Back to the slow-motion action of Him putting his cologne soaked arm around me. And oh my God, I have never been that high in all of my life, and I never will be again…

… See… That’s the thing, “love” is my drug… Boys, crushes, romance, sex, love, relationships - All of it! - I mean fuck it, you name it! That shit is like pure crack-cocaine to me, and I just can’t get enough… But like with any drug… You’re never as high as your first hit… But then you’re addicted to the high… And left in an endless cycle chasing it… 

16 years old. A baby. My first hit - His arm around me watching the movie It… Such an innocent action, but nothing, and I mean nothing has ever come close to giving me that same high… And believe me, I’ve tried… Not our first kiss, not our first fuck… Nothing in the history of us… Whether with Him, or others, I just couldn’t achieve that same level of pure ecstasy… Even as I upped the ante… Even as I became more impulsive and reckless… Yeah no amount of filthy sex could ever achieve the same high I got… The first time He put His arm around me…

I snap back to reality when my pump stops abruptly. My tank is full… Huh… Is it ever though?

I get back in my Subaru, windows down even though it’s pouring, blasting the music, hitting the gas hard… So that I too can feel full.

“ – … and you supply well

…

Your love is like drugs (ah-ah-ah), and I had suitcases full of it

Never thought the day would come when I would burn through it all

Give you a call, and beg for some more (oh-oh, yeah)

Your love is like drugs, and I had suitcases full of it

Never thought the day would come when I would burn through it all

Give you a call, and beg for some more (ooh-la, baby)...”

…

(Love Is Like, by Lil Wayne and Maroon 5)

3:06 pm

Hey! How are you?

Quick check in after all my crazy appointments this morning! I know it might seem like I'm not doing well based on some of my earlier entries from today, but I really am doing okay - I promise. You know I just need to get that stuff out in the open to process it… And that's why you're so healthy for me - You help me do that. 

Anyways, I’m pretty exhausted from my appointments today. I feel like I had about 2 and 1/2 hours of therapy between the three of them - My med management appointment, therapy- therapy, and my nutrition appointment. Here’s a quick rundown:

My med management appointment went well. We are not increasing my dose of the Lamotrigine at this time, I’m staying on 50 mg. We talked about how there's a part of me that wants to increase the dose, just by a little, because I am seeing such positive effects from it. So of course, part of me feels like more medication would result in me feeling even better. But in this case, that’s not accurate. If we were to increase the medication too quickly, I could experience more side effects or even have an adverse reaction. My provider stressed again that she really doesn't want to lose this medication as an option for me. It is much friendlier than other medications in the same drug class. Those medications have far more side effects, especially metabolic side effects. My provider is aware of my eating disorder history, and knows how fearful I am of gaining weight. Right now, the best thing I can do is stay on the 50 mg. I am benefiting substantially from that dose, so there is no need for more… There is no need to chase a high.

I told my provider I have noticed significant improvement in the symptoms we are mainly watching for in this med trial. Overall, my mood is stabilized, my extreme highs and lows have been replaced with a more balanced mental state - A middle ground. I’m also much less irritable overall, and I have seen a reduction in sexual urges and impulsivity.

I did share that recently - maybe in the past couple of weeks - there have been few hiccups… Urges to text individuals asking for sex, or send unsolicited nudes. Urges I have been able to resist, but still… They’ve been stronger. My provider and I agreed that this is something to continue watching, and journal about. We also agreed that not having my phone in my room at night (when these urges are coming on), would be a good idea - A sort of pre-damage control… Getting ahead of the beast… Just like what we very well may be doing with this med trial… If bipolar is present… My provider said we could be preventing a full-breakdown… Another descent into madness…

Speaking of, I asked, and just because I had a positive response to the medication, that does not indicate bipolar disorder. My provider is seeing enough signs and symptoms in my recent behavior for us to be aware and investigating the possibility, but she is not diagnosing me at this time. She doesn’t want to give me that label, not yet. She said often, like with my BPD diagnosis, there is no definitive way to say for certain until a full breakdown - Until it’s too late… My words, not hers. But still… I believe them to be true… At least in some ways… But now… Now is different… I am in good hands, and we are getting ahead of it. I will not break down again… Oh please, dear God, don’t let me break down again… 

Finally, we talked about how important it is that I continue to process my emotions and address anything that might be more BPD related. That, as always, is crucial.

…

I want to say I left my med management appointment feeling good, but honestly I didn't... I felt kind of shaken up… I felt very scared. Scared about the medication… What if it stops working? What if they stop making it? What if? … A fear of the unknown…

And that brings me to my therapy appointment. I shared my feelings about the medication with my therapist. I told her I feel very grateful for the medication and how it's helped me. I even feel joy when I think about it, because I feel like myself again… But at the same time, I feel that intense fear. Not only about the medication, but about the whole picture of my ongoing battle with mental illness. “When will enough be enough?” I asked her, laughing humorously. My therapist and I were both able to recognize a lot of what I’m feeling around my general mental state and the medication is related to fear of the unknown. 

Then, we talked about the recent situations that caused me so much distress and led me down dark roads. I was able to identify that I felt very proud of myself, and could see the signs of progress in my behavior. Naturally (and given my mental illness), I am highly sensitive, and reactive. So, stressful situations can be detrimental for me and my mental state. However, in the recent examples I’ve shared with you, even though I was reactive, the adverse effects were not as severe, and I was able to return to baseline much more quickly.  

Finally - And this was the best part! - We talked about my boys. I mean come on, what’s more fun than talking about boys?? I told my therapist about the late night texts asking for sex, and the urge to send explicit photos… I told her about the loneliness… 

I told her about my Dear John, and how much I miss him and love him still…

Then, we talked about this one boy I know… I’ve had a crush on him for four? Gosh… Going on five years now… My therapist knows about him, I mean I tell her everything, but today we examined my feelings for this particular boy in more detail… 

… We talked about obsession. I told her, “I will fully admit, I am obsessed with him.” 

I shared that when I’m in a relationship with someone and in love, or even when I just have a crush on someone, I become obsessed. That's really the only word for it. You know, they become like a drug to me, and I feel like an addict… I just can't get enough of them. I get high off of being with them, and loving them, and just everything about them… Even just the idea of them, or the fantasy I create about them in my mind…

 I told my therapist that part of me hated to admit to having those feelings, because I feel like it feeds into the negative stigma of BPD. But I also told my therapist that I think a lot of the intensity I feel when it comes to having romantic feelings is just a part of who I am - BPD or not, treated or untreated… And that's okay. It's just something to be aware of, and learn how to manage in a healthy way. 

But again, with this particular crush, I told her I really do feel obsessed. I think about him all the time… I mean he’s always on my mind… Most of the time, I’m sure I’m the furthest thing on his mind… And I’m sure if he never saw me again, he wouldn’t really mind… And not in a mean way, just in a way… Just because sometimes people don’t like you back… And that’s okay.

My therapist asked what my hope or wish around the situation would be - How I want things to go with him, how I want to feel in the future. I smiled and said I wasn’t really sure. Then I thought about it harder. Finally, I told my therapist that I don’t really care if we are ever linked romantically… I just care about him. Period. More than just one of my boys, as a human… He’s a good human. Yeah… He’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met, and he deserves great things. I don’t care if his happiness comes from me - and I doubt it will - as long as he’s happy… That’s all I want for him.

And me? Oh little old me - Well I’ll be just fine! I told my therapist I am just going to keep on keeping on, and living my life. There are so many incredible things happening for me, I’m exploring and nourishing so many different interests… And I am finding joy and fulfillment from each and every one of them! - Along with old, new, and strengthened relationships with family, friends, and most importantly, me! 

So yeah… Losing him would suck… Not that I have him… Still, he’s a huge part of my life, and I look forward to even the faintest of sightings and smallest of interactions like a regular morning cup of coffee. I count on him… Because I can… 

Once I told a friend, “The day he leaves this place I’ll have to be sedated! LOL” - Only halfway kidding… But seriously, no, I’d be okay. It would sting, and it would burn, and it would ache, but I would be okay… As long as I knew he was happy (wherever that may be, and whoever he is with)... And as long as I continue loving me… I will be okay…

“So your hope/wish…” - at the end of our appointment, my therapist circled back to that - “... Is to just keep it to those breezy hi’s and bye’s for now.” She waves at me and smiles, and I smile back, picturing him and his smile… 

My therapist knows, knows I asked the question, knows I didn’t get the answer… But I’ll tell you what I told her… I’m not trying again, not unless he pursues me… No, I will let him be, and leave us in a state of friendly peace… Because I love him, really I do… I know because loving him is not high… It’s just peace… But you know what they say about love? - If you love someone, set them free. 

8:00 pm

Daily Connection

I had my nutrition appointment today, and I was right - I gained weight. My nutritionist said it was not a significant amount, and that the increase was due to my muscle mass improving, but also some fat gain… So I had to stare down the writing on the wall, “You’re overeating fatty!” … Well, that’s what I felt like at first…

My nutritionist and I talked more about my recent behavior around exercise and eating. We processed my emotions together. I told him about increasing my gym workouts as well as all the walking. That increase has led to a very real increase in physical hunger… But then stress/emotion kicks in and I overeat… Which leads me to overexercise… Which leads me to overeat… Which leads me to overexercise… I entered that stroke-like state at this time of the appointment. I struggled to choke out my words through the tears I was fighting ferociously, “It’s… It’s… It’s… A vicious cycle…” My nutritionist nodded sympathetically, and helped me finish my thought when the tears won the battle.

Then I told my nutritionist I was frustrated, because I feel like I’m having a hard time finding the mean between the extremes when it comes to exercise and eating. It’s always either too much, or too little… I can never find an integrated balance. 

My nutritionist listened, and then we processed and problem-solved together - How can I be more mindful about my eating? 

Here’s what we came up with: Timing myself as I eat (I’ve been doing this, but losing focus) (30 min per meal, watch time with snacks too), putting my fork down in between bites, sitting to eat and being intentional as I eat - really focusing on the meal and action of eating, setting an intention and having a minute of mindfulness before meals, waiting 20 min before getting more food, always dishing out food onto a plate… Yeah, so that’s what I’m working on. 

As far as exercise goes, my nutritionist said I can keep up with my increased gym intensity, but to cut back on my walking - No more than 2 miles on days I workout at the gym too. 

I will see him again in two weeks to check in. Here’s how I’m feeling about the whole situation, specifically my weight gain:

Negative Emotions Processed: Fear, frantic, scared, worried, helpless, hopeless, desperate, despair, ugly, worthless, disgust (self), hate (self), anger (self), sad, disappointed, let down, alone, lonely 

Positive Emotions Processed: Forgiving (self), compassion/caring (self), love (self), supportive (self), supported (nutritionist), understanding (self), understood (nutritionist), trusting (self, nutritionist), calm, capable, relaxed, hope

I won’t lie, I’m very, very tempted to restrict my eating… To go to the other extreme… But I’m going to try very, very hard to find a place of integrated balance instead. I’m going to work on all of the things my nutritionist and I talked about today, and fuel my body while listening closely to hear what it actually needs. I will focus on loving and being grateful for my beautiful body. I will focus on slowing down and enjoying the delicious foods I am blessed to have at my table. I will find peace. I can do this. 

8:52 pm 

I tuck myself into bed, and muse out loud, “When will enough be enough?”

I think about my mental state… A lifetime of pain… Pain that continues… A seemingly neverending list of diagnoses… Another breakdown looming in the distance… Now I realize maybe that is him… Maybe that is the presence I feel watching me… The still present threat of once again losing my sanity… This time really to the point of no return… And now I see a cell… Blind white… And I see a sheet… A noose… Red… Blood… Slit wrists… A failed attempt… But this time success… I hang…Tangled locks… Forget me not… Eyes rolled back… O Holy Night… Fading lips… Never kissed…

And I want to cry out… For Mom and Dad… For my Good Doctor… I am so scared… Of being locked up… Of being force fed drugs… Of the bad white coats… Of losing my mind… Of losing myself…

All alone, I let my guard down. No more laughter to hide tears. No, not tonight. Tonight I lay myself down, and let myself cry. 

“... Your love is like drugs, and I had suitcases full of it

Never thought the day would come when I would burn through it all

Give you a call, and beg for some more (yeah)...”

…

(Love Is Like, by Lil Wayne and Maroon 5)