9/24 - 9/28 pt2
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions. My initial emotions will often sound extreme, but that’s the BPD talking. The Borderline Diaries put those emotions out there, because we can’t understand what we can’t see. The Borderline Diaries are me talking - sorting through my emotions to get to my healthy feelings, my healthy relationships, and my healthy life.
Happy Anniversary
Part II
Entry Dates
Wednesday, September 24, 2025 – Sunday, September 28, 2025
Themes of the Week
This week was a roller coaster of emotions, but the highs were not quite so high, and the lows were not quite so low. I was faced with a variety of different conflicts this week, some of which pushed me slightly off of the recovery path, and left me mildly suicidal. It wasn’t always easy, but each time I found my way back to my peaceful and integrated state of mind. Sometimes I needed to ask others for help in doing so (Mom and Dad, my therapist, professional help, and friends) - But that isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. As I look back on this week and process it as a whole, I realize I’m really, really proud of myself. I am living a life of recovery, and navigating all that comes my way - The good, the bad, and everything in between. So today, I am celebrating me. Yes, today, I will proudly say, “Happy anniversary!” - Happy anniversary to me.
Dealing with insecurity and finding the value in myself
Identifying negative vs positive coping mechanisms
Embarrassment vs vulnerability and growth
Avoiding hostility, but allowing myself to feel anger
Sadness, grief, and acceptance
Blame vs shame
Disappointment and managing realistic expectations
Validating myself
Thursday, September 25, 2025
7:01 am
“Clap, clap, clap!”
Oh yes! - Clap!
Clap for you baby,
And clap for me!
Do you know -
Something funny? -
My heart claps every time I look at you.
Yes, a standing ovation each time I see your face.
But oh! -
It’s so, so much more than that…
An orgasm of my heart,
When I look at you, baby…
My brown eyed boy.
My brown eyed boy.
7:27 am
Deep voice,
Baritone.
Deep eyes,
Brown.
I feel safe,
I feel calm.
I want to get lost -
Lost in you.
I want to be found -
Found by you.
And I can see us,
twisted and tangled up in sheets…
Only you've got her,
And I've got me,
Oh baby you and I,
Never meant to be…
My brown eyed boy.
My brown eyed boy.
8:49 am
“... I see red, red, oh red
A gun to your head, head, to your head, oh
Executioner style, and there won't be no trial
Don't you know that you're better off dead…”
…
(I See Red, by Everybody Loves An Outlaw)
I went off on Him last night…
I went back and scratched it out so you can't see…
Because I won't spill that secret…
No. That's all between Him and me.
7:32 pm
I just got off the phone with my therapist - A crisis call after the email situation.
We didn't talk much about this situation itself though -
We talked more about the real reason I felt like I needed a crisis call - Because the email situation made me feel suicidal.
I can always just kill myself… If things get too bad…
I told my therapist I was concerned… Concerned that I still feel suicidal sometimes… Even after all the years and hard work that I've put into this treatment…
Then, I told my therapist about a recent appointment with my provider (education and medication support) - The one where she called me out (kindly and with care), for still using suicidal ideation as a coping mechanism when I am in uncomfortable or painful situations. She said that was something I really needed to process. In some cases, persistent suicidal ideation is a sign that the treatment (dynamic deconstructive psychotherapy / DDP at the Pyschiatry High Risk Program / PHRP) is not working anymore… A sign that it’s time to try an alternative treatment… In the hopes of recovery…
I told my therapist I was hesitant to tell her about that conversation with my provider, because I don’t want to leave the PHRP… DDP, and the people at the PHRP saved my life… I love DDP, and I love the people who have saved me.
My therapist and I were able to process my feelings around being suicidal. I was able to identify them as a habit, something my brain grew very accustomed to doing in an attempt to make me feel safe and self-soothe. Habits are so hard to break… Especially one as long and strong as my suicidal ideation. But, as strong as that habit is, I've also worked really hard to build other strong habits - Recovery habits. Even though there are times when the illness creeps back in and gains control of my mind, that doesn’t mean I am not recovering - It’s just all a part of the process - The ongoing recovery process.
… We talked about that too - The ongoing recovery process. We talked about how I feel frustrated… Frustrated that I’m not just “better.” I didn't know recovery would look like this… Like up and down… Like on and off… Like falling down and getting back up again - Over, and over, and over… And I'm balancing so much - Trying to keep myself stable and continuing my recovery while also staying on top of household responsibilities, maintaining relationships, working, going to school, advocating, writing, blogging, modeling, competing in a pageant, etc, etc…
… But then, I was able to talk to my therapist about how I'm proud of myself. - I mean look at me! I never thought I would be able to hold down a job, especially not the type of job I’m currently working… And I am doing well, I know I am… Right? … Right…
I was also able to recognize how far I’ve come, and identify multiple signs of progress in my recent behavior. Just in April, I ended up in the ER due to a situation that wasn’t that different from this current email situation… I've made so much progress, it’s really just incredible.
Finally, we talked about loss, sadness, and grief. We talked about how I struggle to accept my own limitations. “It’s hard to be perfect,” my therapist said. Hard because it’s impossible… “We are all perfectly imperfect,” she reminded me in her ever caring and gentle way - God I do love her so…
My therapist and I agreed that my processing is very integrated. I will see her for our monthly session next Tue 10/7, and we will process more together. I can’t wait to see her. I miss her… It was really good to hear her voice…
But I’m doing a good job being my own therapist most of the time. I’m making progress. It's very, very painful though. Yeah, I won’t lie to you, recovery is very, very painful. And every damn day, every damn day, it's a commitment I make anew. But I am so glad I do… Because it is painful, yes, but it is joyful too. And tonight, I celebrate myself, and I celebrate my life.
“Clap, clap, clap!”
Oh yes! - Clap!
Clap for me baby,
Yes, clap for me!
Do you know -
Something beautiful? -
My heart claps every time I look at you.
Yes, a standing ovation each time I see your face.
But oh! -
It’s so, so much more than that…
An orchestra of my heart,
When I look at you, baby…
My brown eyed girl.
My brown eyed girl.
…
Do you know -
Something sad? -
The only time I got emotional when I was on the phone with my therapist - I started tearing up when I told her that I had been feeling suicidal… And not because I was depressed… No, the emotion was not stemming from my suicidal state in and of itself… Yeah, that's not why I was crying… I was emotional and sad because I still have suicidal thoughts… Because they still whisper to me… Because they're still a part of me… And because I know they always will be.
That's why I was crying.
Friday, September 26, 2025
4:48 pm
I wonder if he knows…
7:36 pm
I'm with my girl. I had dinner with all my girls, actually, but this is my girl - It's just the two of us now, walking back to my car.
We met at church when we were four, our parents set us up. She's been a constant friend and support in my life ever since.
She looks at me now and says, “I miss you so much! - I was watching you while we were eating dinner, and I got this urge to reach out and hold your hand - But then I thought that would make everyone really uncomfortable - Hahahaha!”
And now we're both giggling and cackling, gasping for breath, bumping into each other as we stumble down the crowded sidewalks of our hometown. I love to laugh, with anyone and everyone, but I think my best laughs happen with her.
And I don't feel high, I just feel happy. Happy and in love - I love my girl so much. I'm proud of her, and I would do anything for her. I hope she knows that.
I was telling her about my mental health after dinner… She knows… And she's here for me, always. I told her about the ER in April, about borderline/bipolar, about episodes and my new med, about boys and sex… And she was listening so intently, eyes engaged, nodding, sometimes asking questions… But just listening… Just letting me be vulnerable and share…
And she really does understand… Because even before I opened up about all those details, she asked me how I was doing with all the transitions I've had lately. She knows my mind and my illness. She knows transitions are hard for me… And she wanted to make sure I was OK… Because she loves me, just like I love her…
“... I got this urge to reach out and hold your hand - But then I thought that would make everyone really uncomfortable - hahahaha!”
“You can always hold my hand!” I replied, smiling and laughing along with her.
Always
Daily Connection
Emotions around this interaction with my friend:
Positive Emotions Processed: Loving/loved, caring/cared for, grateful, trust, supported, understood, peace, secure, content, strong, happy, joy, warm, welcomed, safe
Negative Emotions Processed: Fear, worry, insecure, inadequate, inferior, evil
My embedded badness has been worse lately…Getting better but still… I feel evil and unworthy of love and friendship. I am also just generally afraid of losing my friend… Of being abandoned… I think she reads you, but still, I'm afraid that she will change her mind about me if/when she does… Like I've said before… You are my embedded badness…
7:41 pm
Friday night lights remind me of Him and I - Remind me of the days when the number 52 made me smile. I wore it proudly with nothing underneath… Then retired to the back of His Chevy… Just kids… No tangled and twisted up sheets… Just Him and I… Just Him and I…
Now just Him.
Now just I.
Sad
9:29 pm
I'm still really worried because I feel like I've been overeating. I have to process that more… But now I need sleep.
I forgot to tell you something though…
A little birdy told me he likes nicotine…
And here I was, thinking I'd dirty his clean…
When really, maybe it's the other way around… And maybe, just maybe, that's the reason he won't pursue me…
Or maybe it's because I'm not beautiful enough,
Or sexy enough,
Or hot enough,
Or cool enough,
Or smart enough,
Or well enough…
Or maybe it's because he still loves the girl with lilacs tattooed on her thigh…
I don't know.
All I know is my boy loves nicotine,
And that makes me love him even more -
Because there's nothing I love more on this earth than a dirty clean boy…
Like my Dear John…
And now like him too…
Forget virginity,
Forget purity -
Come to me boy,
Come dirty my clean.
…
Please?
Saturday, September 27, 2025
4:55 pm
Another email. Bad. Very bad. The someone who was mad at me is still mad… They’re not letting me be… I was foolish to think I was in the clear.
I can't breathe.
I'm so anxious I can't breathe.
Bad things are happening.
I can't breathe.
…
I need Dad.
Tears are welling up in my eyes,
And I can’t swallow the nasty lump in my throat no matter how hard I try…
And I still think I’m overeating, so I have to get out and walk 5 miles…
And oh my God I’m so afraid I just want to fucking die.
…
Please don’t kill me God, please don’t kill me, please, please… I don’t mean that… But I am so afraid and I need my Dad…
5:32 pm
I'm out walking. 5 miles. 5 miles because I'm afraid I'm overeating… Even though I’ve been spending more time at the gym, and I upped my weights… I’m still afraid I’m overeating.
I also just need to move. Especially after that email… I feel like something bad is coming…. Chasing me… And I need to keep moving so it doesn't find me…
I won't lie, I feel suicidal.
And I feel like maybe suicide is the answer… Because then I won't be exposed for being a terrible, disgusting - and I'm crying as I write this now - worthless, ugly, evil creature… The devil incarnate.
… Now that I think about it, even if I did kill myself, I would still be exposed. I wouldn't be here to face the aftermath though… The horror, shock, and rage… The eternal punishment… The loss of everything and everyone I love.
You know how much I struggle with loss - The loss of anything really, but especially the loss of love… I love so many people so dearly… And I do believe they love me too… But I can see them excommunicating me from their warm embrace when they know… Know how wrong I really am… To kill myself seems less painful than to be alone in a strange land; in exile and without love.
5:40 pm
There is a part of me that's thinking, “Wow… All this over an email?...” But it's not just an email, it's the fact that someone feels I did something bad. Maybe they're right… Maybe I did… What if I lose people's good opinions of me?
I am so afraid.
I talked to Dad before I left for my walk. He told me many of the positive things I was already trying to tell myself. I also reached out to my professional support, they are handling the situation and guiding me. I am not alone. This happens to everyone… Everyone…
But not everyone is me.
5:53 pm
“... And I'll go
Sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss
I never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips…”
…
(Last Kiss, by Taylor Swift)
And now I'm just thinking about everything… About my job, about school… Can I handle it all? Oh my God, oh my God… God help me…
And now I'm just thinking about dating, dating and my boys…
Boys I'd kill for,
Boys I'd die for.
…
Boys who don't love me anymore,
Boys who never did,
Boys who don't even know who I am;
Boys who don't even look in my direction…
…
Him. He doesn't love me anymore… And maybe He never really did… I know He loved the sex… Maybe that was really it…
My Dear John. We met three times, we fucked twice… I loved him then, I love him still… But God knows he didn't love me then, and God knows he never will. I save him in my mind; a treasured letter. He discarded me; a used lottery ticket.
April. ER. “I'm not looking for anything right now.” - Oh but you made a mistake there baby, yeah, you mixed up your words. I don't think you meant to say, “anything,” I think you meant to say, “you.” Here, let's try it again together, shall we? - “I'm not looking for you right now.” There, that's better, isn't it? And hey now, no hard feelings baby, you see I understand - I'm not looking for me either.
…
Every day is still so hard. Even post treatment… Like my therapist and talked about… Life is so hard… And I have to actively work towards recovery - Every. Single. Day.
… And I'm so tired…
…
And now I have a fleeting thought…
It flies by me so fast, I can barely see inside…
But unfortunately,
I catch it just in time…
And can I see inside,
My fleeting,
Bleeding,
Thought -
A little orange bottle,
At my spot on the kitchen table,
My medication…
How many is too many? …
And how will I know when to stop?
…
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Please,
Please,
Please,
…
Please…
…
The thoughts…
That whisper to me still…
Telling me about the colors of death…
The say it will be just like loving my Dear John -
They tell me,
“And you will be seeing red, purple, and green…
Yeah, you will see yellow and blue…
A rainbow of colors, just like a day old bruise…
Yeah, a rainbow of colors, when you kill you…
NO!!! GO AWAY!!! GO THE FUCK AWAY!!! I AM GOING TO LIVE A LONG, HEALTHY, BEAUTIFUL LIFE!!! AHHHHHHH!!! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!
…
God… All of this over an email? …
5:55 pm
“... I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I'd roll my eyes and then you'd pull me in
I'm not much for dancing, but for you, I did
Because I love your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions…”
…
(Last Kiss, by Taylor Swift)
I’m seeing my Dear John, and I’m seeing my Dear John, and I’m feeling hot, and I’m feeling sweaty… Yeah I’m feeling frantic, and I’m feeling guilty, and I’m feeling wrong… And I’m feeling him… Yeah, I’m feeling him, and I’m tasting him too… And I'm seeing black, and I'm seeing white, but most of all I'm seeing red. Yeah, I'm seeing red… I'm seeing blood all over plastic, all over sheets… And now I'm waking up, and I'm waking up, and I feel so cold… Yeah, I feel so cold. Blood and cold… Like rose petals in the snow…
And now I'm seeing Him, and I'm seeing Him, and I'm feeling lost and afraid…
And now I'm seeing my brown eyed boy, and I’m seeing my brown eyed boy, and I’m running away… Running away from all of the things I wish I could say…
And I'm tasting nicotine,
Nicotine,
Nicotine…
6:21 pm
I'm sorry I just needed to get all that out. I don't want you to think I'm going to do something to hurt myself, or anything crazy like that… You know I'm kind of afraid the Good Doctor and all my angels will read this and leave me… I’m afraid they’ll tell me that the program is not for me anymore… Not if I’m still having these terrible thoughts…
I think they’ll understand though… Sometimes I just need to get all that out, I don’t really want to kill myself. I'm feeling better now. I just reached the top of my climb, the top of the physical hill in my walk, and the top of my mental mountain. Now I’m coming back down, physically, mentally, totally. And I'm looking out ahead of me, and I'm feeling sad and thinking of my Dear John because I'm surrounded by cotton candy skies…
I hope he's happy.
And is it wrong? -
And is it wrong if I hope he thinks about me still? …
I don't think he does…
But that's okay.
Hopefully someday I find a man that does,
That loves me for all of me -
Not just for my body,
Or for my sex,
But for my mind -
My entire person,
My love,
My kindness…
I hope I find him,
Or he finds me,
However,
It comes to be.
I hope soon,
But I have to remind myself that no matter what,
I've still got me…
And I can enjoy these candy cotton candy skies alone,
Yes, I can dance in them alone,
And love myself alone.
Just me and cotton candy skies,
Yeah everything's going to be all right…
Everything's going to be all right.
6:25 pm
I smell smoke… A fire… I panic for a moment, thinking it's my brain on fire… But then I realize it's just someone's wood stove burning… I breathe a sigh of relief, and trust that my mind is at peace now.
6:35 pm
I'm still walking and I'm just realizing now that I’m not quite surrounded by cotton candy skies…
No, tonight the colors are brighter -
More tangerine and lilac…
Lilac…
I smell lilacs too…
Not lilacs and virginity though…
No.
My kind of lilacs -
Lilacs mixed with tangerine,
Coloring my skies,
Making them wild,
Wild like me.
Reality,
Reality -
Not virginity,
Not virginity -
Reality.
6:43 pm
I'm still out walking. I pass a house with Halloween decorations - Two skeletons with red glowing eyes… One is normally placed, standing in the yard… The other hangs from a tree by a noose tied tightly around its neck.
I think it's a cruel joke, and that whoever arranged the whole thing needs to know… Know that those who are suicidal do not have red, glowing eyes… Our eyes are filled with love, longing, sadness, and endless, endless, unbearable pain…
…
And those who do the deed? Their eyes certainly are not glowing… They are empty, they are hopeless, and they cry out for their Mom and Dad.
Just like me.
6:46 pm
I'm still walking.
My tangerine and lilac sky has erupted, bathing me in golden light as the sun sets. It is so beautiful… I just wish I had someone to share it with… and I believe I will… but until then, I will keep dancing alone… Laughing and happy, under my sky of gold.
6:57 pm
I'm still walking.
Now my sky is pink and periwinkle, and that makes me smile - God's putting on a show just for me… Because He loves me… Yeah… He still does…
Sunday, September 28, 2025
9:52 pm
I'm sorry, I'm here. I'm just checking in to say goodnight. Today was a long day… Long but good… Mostly… My mental is off… I feel really cloudy… But that's OK… I'm still thinking a lot about that email, and about how I'm not sure where I'm going in life or where I belong… I wish I could just be with you all the time… But I know that isn't realistic… At least not for right now… But then again, who knows… Where you and I will go…
…
I remember, today, a sentiment shared with me… A sentiment I know like the back of my hand…
“Sometimes, as a woman, you have to get naked for people to listen to you…”
…
Well I must be fucking screaming then…
