9/22 - 9/23 pt1
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions. My initial emotions will often sound extreme, but that’s the BPD talking. The Borderline Diaries put those emotions out there, because we can’t understand what we can’t see. The Borderline Diaries are me talking - sorting through my emotions to get to my healthy feelings, my healthy relationships, and my healthy life.
Happy Anniversary
Part I
Entry Dates
Monday, September 22, 2025 – Tuesday, September 23, 2025
Themes of the Week
This week was a roller coaster of emotions, but the highs were not quite so high, and the lows were not quite so low. I was faced with a variety of different conflicts this week, some of which pushed me slightly off of the recovery path, and left me mildly suicidal. It wasn’t always easy, but each time I found my way back to my peaceful and integrated state of mind. Sometimes I needed to ask others for help in doing so (Mom and Dad, my therapist, professional help, and friends) - But that isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. As I look back on this week and process it as a whole, I realize I’m really, really proud of myself. I am living a life of recovery, and navigating all that comes my way - The good, the bad, and everything in between. So today, I am celebrating me. Yes, today, I will proudly say, “Happy anniversary!” - Happy anniversary to me.
Dealing with insecurity and finding the value in myself
Identifying negative vs positive coping mechanisms
Embarrassment vs vulnerability and growth
Avoiding hostility, but allowing myself to feel anger
Sadness, grief, and acceptance
Blame vs shame
Disappointment and managing realistic expectations
Validating myself
Monday, September 22, 2025
6:10 am
I’m on the treadmill.
I was going to get off soon - I accidentally stopped the machine three minutes into my jog, so I was going to force myself to get off three minutes early this second time around. Yeah, I was going to force myself to get off at the 28 minute mark… 28 + 3 = 31… I always go 31… Just to be safe… Yeah, I was going to get off “early,” even though the very thought of that made me want to eat my own face…
But now I can't.
I can't because she's here.
I need to keep going…
To be better than her…
At something…
Fucking anything…
Yeah,
I just need to keep going fast…
Fast,
And faster…
To block out her vision,
To block out her scent…
It's only three tiny little more minutes…
It was only three little times…
Lilacs in the meadow.
Rose petals in the snow.
6:15 am
90 seconds,
90 seconds.
Dear John,
My Dear John.
6:17 am
I cross the finish line. Minutes, miles, and calories all reflect what I want to see. My brain feels an instant burst of calm and quiet. My brain was covered in millions of ants on fire, but now a cold gust of snow-filled air has blown them all away. I feel peace… The same kind of peace I felt when my Dear John was inside of me…
8:33 am
I feel good. Good, and peaceful, and grateful. I am so blessed. Today my life is a glass half-full… And I just feel so good! So good, and so peaceful, and so grateful… So grateful for this lovely life of mine… So grateful to be alive…
4:19 pm
“... You're like twenty-two girls in one
And none of them know what they're runnin' from
Was it just too far to fall?
For a little paper doll… “
…
(Paper Doll, by John Mayer)
Oh but my Dear John, I do know what I’m running from - Me - Just like you. Just like you.
7:44 pm
“What time do you have to be there tomorrow?” Mom asks.
I roll my eyes behind her back and mumble my response.
Ugh please stop talking to me…
“9:30?”
“10:30…” I bark out quietly - More of a low growl than a bark.
Omg literally stop talking to me!
Once again, I am a porcupine. I ready my quills.
Daily Connection
In the interaction above, I was feeling extremely irritable… Why? I don’t really know… I was tired, I had a long day… I’m also really anxious for the event I’m going to tomorrow - The event Mom was asking me about. Anxious, anxious… Let me expand upon that…
Emotions around tomorrow’s event:
Positive Emotions Processed: Excited, glad, grateful, eager, happy, warm, hopeful, safe, secure, confident, self-reliant
Negative Emotions Processed: Fear, scared, worried, frantic, helpless, trapped, insecure, inadequate, embarrassed
My predominant feeling is one of fear… Fear of what? Fear of failure. Because what if I fail… What then? But then again, what is failure? … Aren’t I the only one who can decide what “failure” means to me? And if that is true, which it must be, why would I ever “fail” myself? Why, why? … I don’t know…
I’m sorry, I’m really tired, and I’m not making much sense now… But I know this is something I need to continue processing more in general - my fear of failure - it’s a huge issue for me… Something I need to develop healthy thought patterns around… After all, it’s what sent me to the ER back in April - I told you about that, didn’t I? No? Not fully? Oh… Oh well, it will all come out one day…
But yeah, fear of failure was the main thing that sent me to the ER…
That plus shame… Shame for things I had done… Shame over a boy I had halfway fucked… A boy that had filled me with nothing but disgust… For him… And me… Because I swallowed it and took it as mine…
That plus grief… A loss… The loss of an almost five-year fantasy… I hate to admit it, but I’m sure that was a cause of my ER visit… Or at least a contributing factor… Because the only thing more painful than the loss of reality is the loss of a fantasy… My brown eyed boy. My brown eyed boy.
So yes, fear of failure, shame, and grief… All of those elements mixed with what I do believe was a period of manic depression… That is what sent me to the ER back in April…
And it’s kinda funny actually, because I thought that going to the ER was a failure in and of itself… Another to add to my self written and never-ending list… A sign I had failed my Good Doctor’s treatment… But you know darling… That isn’t true, is it? My ER stay back in April wasn’t a sign that I had failed my Good Doctor’s treatment… It was a sign I had succeeded in it…
Positive Emotions Processed: Proud, happy, glad, self-love, grateful, strong, self-reliant, capable
…
And you know, I just called you darling… And really, I don’t know why… Maybe it’s because I’ve been writing him my love… Writing him my goodbye… Missing his kiss… His kiss on my thighs… My darling… My Dear John… My Dearest John… I miss you so…
8:28 pm
“Tomorrow would be my eighth anniversary with Him.”
I stare straight ahead at my laptop screen. My voice is not overly sad, or happy, merely indifferent.
Mom and Dad freeze.
“Oh.” Dad says…
A second or so passes, and then Mom changes the topic to a stinkbug on the light above the dining room table. I gladly hop on her not-so subtle subject change, grateful for the “out” she has given me. After all, why did I say that? Why the fuck did I say that? I didn’t even remember until late today… Because I don’t even care. Right? Right. Right…
…
Ughhh! - That’s enough of that for now. Goodnight.
… Goodnight my darling, don’t worry, I’m not mad at you… Yes, goodnight my darling, goodnight.
9:15 pm
I wonder if He speaks to her like He spoke to me… I wonder if He kisses Her like He kissed me…
Now I hear His voice… And I taste car grease…
9:23 pm
I wonder if He’s going to fuck her tomorrow. I hope so…
9:33 pm
I'm on the edge of texting my Dear John again… Asking for sex…
9:37 pm
I've decided against it… I'll just love myself instead… Awe fuck it tho… I still might text my favorite boy… The one who only ever saw me in red…
Tuesday, September 23, 2025
5:15 am
He isn't here, but I hope He's happy.
…
I hope he's here, that would make me happy.
6:40 am
… I was hoping he would be here, but now I'm praying he's not - Because she's here too.
7:13 pm
I'm feeling endlessly blue because he was here, but he didn't look in my direction… I wonder why …
“... All I wanna be, yeah, all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah
Is somebody to you
All I wanna be, yeah, all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah
Is somebody to you
Everybody's tryna be a billionaire
But every time I look at you, I just don't care
'Cause all I wanna be, yeah, all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah
Is somebody to you (yeah, you)...”
…
(Somebody To You, by The Vamps)
…
Huh… Will you look at that - I'm despairing over another boy on our would-be anniversary - on the would-be anniversary of Him and I. Sign of the times? … Damn. If that isn't a sign of progress I don't know what is… And now suddenly, I am filled with happiness… happiness and pride.
10:47 am
“Never meet your heros,” they say… Well now I know why… Because if you blubber like a fool in front of them and accidentally grope their ass, you'll want to die…
10:52 am
Oh. My. God.
That was horrible. I don't know how many more of these things I can keep pushing myself to do. I feel like I'm not getting any better at performing for these events and interviews. I mean what am I doing? Who do I think I am?
… And they probably think I'm so dumb and rude. I have such a nasty case of resting bitch face too… Oh. My. God. - Did I even say, “Thank you” ?!?!
What did I even say?!?! Oh Jesus Christ… All I know is I said, “Near and dear to my heart,” about a million times… I mean I must have broken a record! That was so embarrassing I just want to die! They're never going to ask me back! They must hate me! Oh! My! God! Oh! My! God!
Oh. My. God.
… I just wish I was dead…
11:03 am
“... Caught me off guard, I wish that I'd been sober
Still, here we are, back in Hanover 99
Just like old times all over
Under the exit lights as beautiful as ever
I really wish that I dressed up a little better
No regrets is what we said
We can't go back again…”
…
(Forever, by Lewis Capaldi)
And now tears are welling up in my eyes,
And I still kind of want to die…
I'm thinking about what just happened -
I’m thinking about the interview,
I feel like I bombed…
And I hate to admit it,
But I'm also thinking about Him and I…
“... Darling, nobody said that it would last forever
That doesn't mean we didn't try to get there
I never said that we would die together
That doesn't mean it was a lie, remember
Nobody said that it would last forever…”
…
(Forever, by Lewis Capaldi)
11:07 am
… I don't shed any real tears though. Not over Him, and not over I.
Because we might have died,
But life goes on.
Gosh!
Crazy to think I'm saying that -
I never would have thought…
Amazing,
Isn't it?
11:13 am
I’m guessing my Dear John is driving home today… Back to his Queen… Yes, driving back home in his busted up Jeep…
But maybe… Maybe he’s still here… And maybe… Maybe I could text him again… Ask him for sex… My hair and makeup are still done from the interview… All done up for him to mess up…
I almost make a frantic U-turn and start driving back towards his apartment… But I don’t… And now I do shed real tears, as I say to myself, “Veronica, go home.”
11:13 am
I'm thinking that I might want to call my therapist today… Not as some desperate cry for help or an act of dependence… But just for some extra support… Processing things.. The interview - And how these events and interviews in general have had me feeling… They’ve been really triggering feelings of failure within myself…
So, I think maybe I'll call her later today… Because I need some help… And that's OK…
But you know why I also think I might call her today?
Because I've just kind of been missing her…
2:24 pm
I left a message from my therapist. She didn't answer when I called. That didn’t surprise me though. She sees clients all day, other clients who need her help too… Some… Maybe even most… More than I do… But that’s okay, I trust she'll call me back. She always does.
In my message, I just said that I was safe and that I was okay, but that I wanted to process some things with her a little more if she had the time + please and thank you kindly.
And yes, I trust she will call me back, and when she does I will be so happy, and I will tell her honestly that part of me called just because I miss her…
5:34 pm
I'm out walking now. 5 miles. 5 miles because I've been eating a lot lately.
It's kind of a vicious cycle…
I think I told you… Or maybe not… But whatever, who cares! …. Anyways, my nutritionist encouraged me to try to not walk any further than 2 miles on the days that I work out intensely in the morning.
And I mean I’ve kind of listened to him…
I feel like I've been working out a little bit harder at the gym, and I don't know but I've just been really hungry lately… So of course that makes me worry that I'm overeating, so then I feel the need to work out more, or walk more…. So I’ve kind of just gotten myself into this never-ending cycle you see…
But anyways, I was really worried that I over-ate today, so I'm out walking 5 miles.
But it's a beautiful day, so no big deal.
… Right? …
Right. I mean whatever… And I feel like I just need to move my body - Especially with all the pent up emotions I’m feeling after the interview. Oh. My. God. - Don't even remind me…
They were so sweet and I do love them so much…
Wait, that's creepy. I shouldn't use that word in this context, but you get my point.
Anyways
I'm just out here walking, listening to the birds chirping and my music playing. And I’m feeling really calm and really happy now.
My therapist didn't call me back but that's okay,
I've been able to process a little more on my own.
Also, I was able to talk to Dad and process with him.
And as the day went on and the interview wasn’t as fresh in my mind, I was able to see things more clearly.
Plus, the people who gave the interview got back to me, and were very kind and lovely in their note responding to my follow-up email where I apologize for being a blubbering fool…
So yeah…
My therapist hasn't called me back, but that's okay,
And He's moved on with her, but that's okay,
And he doesn't want to move on with me, but that's okay,
And my Dear John's going home today…
…
But that's okay,
But that's okay…
…
I'm having a hard time accepting that one…
A very hard time.
I feel like maybe if I say it enough,
“But that's okay”
Then maybe it will be…
…
That's kind of what happened with Him -
It took me 3 years -
3 years of pain,
And tears,
And not leaving the house,
And wanting to die…
And it took therapy…
God, so much therapy -
A complete rewiring of my brain,
Because when He left, my brain broke,
Broken,
Shattered,
And the BPD erupted…
Never the same,
Never the same…
And for 3 years I told myself that -
“But that's okay,
But that's okay.”
And then one day it was…
Because,
Slowly,
Like the melting of an ice cube,
It became okay.
So maybe…
Maybe my Dear John will be the same way -
I will just keep on telling myself,
“But that's okay,
But that's okay.”
… And the ice cube will melt,
And one day,
It will be okay.
…
Oh so yes,
My therapist hasn't called me back, but that's okay,
And He moved on with her, but that's okay,
And he doesn't want to move on with me, but that's okay,
And my Dear John's going home today…
But one day,
That will be okay.
“... All I wanna be, yeah, all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah
Is somebody to you
All I wanna be, yeah, all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah
Is somebody to you
Everybody's tryna be a billionaire
But every time I look at you, I just don't care
'Cause all I wanna be, yeah, all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah
Is somebody to you (yeah, you)...”
…
(Somebody To You, by The Vamps)
5:40 pm
I raise my arms out to T at my sides, waving them in the sky.
Dancing down the road and smiling to myself,
Because I speak the truth, the resurrection and the life.
5:42 pm
I pass an empty can of Cherry Coca-Cola sitting delicately on the side of the road,
Like it was left there just for me,
And I smile as I cry…
6:07 pm
Mom and Dad are with me now, they met me halfway, and we’re all walking home together. Then suddenly, I realize I'm feeling better… Better than I have the past couple of weeks… Because as they’re laughing, and talking, reminiscing about their years spent in the forever wild, I am not looking at them through Aphrodite’s eyes - I’m looking at them through mine.
Positive Emotions Processed: Relief, safe, glad, grateful, happy, joy, peace, warm, loving/loved
Wednesday, September 24, 2025
8:55 am
I can't breathe.
I'm so anxious I can't breathe.
Bad things are happening.
Bad things are coming.
I feel death.
He's watching me.
I can't breathe.
…
I don't know what's causing this intense fear and paranoia… I must not be processing my emotions effectively… I need to process more today. I will. But now I have to focus on the task at hand, try to be at peace, and breathe. Breathe. I can breathe.
…
I feel very sad, and very afraid of losing the people I love. My family. My Mom and Dad… My boys…
Oh my Dear John! - I miss you so darling… Oh why must we love - When it only ever just goes away?
Oh God - Oh my Dear John - Please come back and stay… Don't ever go, only stay.
1:11 pm
“... In New York (ayy, ah-ha) (uh, yeah)
Concrete jungle (yeah) where dreams are made of
There's nothin' you can't do (yeah) (okay)
Now you're in New York (ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha) (uh, yeah)
These streets will make you feel brand new (new)
Big lights will inspire you (come on) (okay)
Let's hear it for New York (you're welcome, OG) (uh)
New York (yeah), New York (uh)...”
…
(Empire State Of Mind, by Jay-Z, featuring Alicia Keys)
It’s a sad kinda remix that I hear playing now… And I’m seeing my Dear John as I listen… I’m seeing our fling run past me like the ending movie scene… Yeah I’m seeing red, purple, and green… Yeah, you, I'm seeing yellow and blue… A rainbow of colors, just like a day old bruise. Yeah, a rainbow of colors, baby… A rainbow of colors when I think of you…
…
Only now… they’ve changed their hue… No longer bright… No… It’s a sad kinda remix I see now - When I think of you…
7:58 pm
“I -”
I'm sitting on the couch with my laptop, checking my email(s) one last time before I call it a night.
There was a new one waiting for me. And it was bad. Very bad. Someone is mad at me.
I can't breathe.
I'm so anxious I can't breathe.
Bad things are happening.
I can't breathe.
The walls are closing in on me. I bring my hands together and wring them frantically. My eyes twitch around the room, searching for help… Or an out…
Oh no, oh no! The room's on fire! No way out, no way out… Except?
I can always just kill myself… If things get too bad…
No.
No.
No, Veronica.
No you cannot.
You cannot ever kill yourself.
I will not ever kill myself.
I. Will. Not. Ever. Kill. Myself.
…
I know what's happening and I know it will pass. The negative email I received feels like an attack. Many negative emotions are associated with it. I don't know what exactly those negative emotions are right now because I'm highly symptomatic, but that will pass and I will be able to process my emotions. Right now I'm stuck in my limbic brain - My fight or flight brian. I will find my way out though - I just need to give it time.
…
Time, and maybe a little help…
“I -”
I'm wringing my hands together frantically. My eyes are twitching around the room, searching for help…
They land on my father. Yes, Dad. Dad is here and I feel safe. Dad comes to me, and he sits down across from me… For a few minutes I can't speak. I can't even think. Trapped. Trapped in my limbic brain. Trapped in my fight or flight. God I hate this space - Like someone who suffered a stroke, I am unable to identify or process my emotions effectively… It's painful and exhausting… But now Dad is here… Yes, Dad is here and I am safe. And it takes me a few minutes, but then, I am able to read him the email.
9:58 pm
I really need to go to sleep. But I have to tell you some things…
I'm dealing with the email situation. It took some time. I talked with Mom and Dad, and I sought out the necessary professional support.
I need sleep…
Now…
I'm sorry. I'll have to finish this later and process better tomorrow.
What is important is that the email triggered my fear of failure, my fear that I'm doing a bad job…
At work
With my advocacy
With you
I brought up the interview from yesterday when I was talking to Mom and Dad.
“I did a terrible job - Like actually. And It was so, so, embarrassing.” I was crying and wringing my hands.
“It was your first one.” Dad said.
Then I brought up you… How I'm angry because I'm putting all this work into you and it feels like we're going nowhere, baby…
“It's been less than a month.” Dad said.
I pushed back then. I said, “No. It's been years… This is the culmination of years of pain… A lifetime of pain…” I was crying and wringing my hands.
“That makes complete sense,” Mom said.
And then Mom and Dad talked about how far I've come and how much I've grown and how they're so proud of me and how I should be proud of me too…
Then they said you are important. No matter what, you are important… And who knows where you and I are going… But that's the thing about life - No one ever knows.
10:25 pm
Now I really have to sleep. I'll process my emotions more tomorrow. And my fear of failure…
My therapist did get back to me. We're trying to schedule a call. I felt angry at her and abandoned earlier… I really could use her support now… I'll figure it out… Fuck I'm tired…
Oh and I also almost just emailed my nutritionist asking to get in to see him sooner because I feel like I'm over eating. But I saved my message as a draft. I can wait until next week… I think… I might just have to workout a little more… To be safe…
Oh and you know what else? I was driving home today and I was feeling angry at Him. Don't get me wrong, I'll always love Him, blah blah, and I forgive Him… But I'm angry and jealous and bitter and sad… Because He's in a happy relationship again… Yeah, He's in love again. He hurt me so deeply. Fuck it. I'm done beating around the bush, but He is happy now; He is in love now… And I want that for Him, truly! But karma must not exist… Or if she does she only has eyes for me… Because He is happy and in love now… While I lay alone in a cold bed… Totally alone… Not even bleeding… Not even rose petals in the snow…
I hope I get my period back soon. Why did I lose it again? Is it my fault? Is it due to stress? Or overexercise? Or a message from my body? … Or a message from God? Telling me I will never be a mom… Telling me I'll never have a baby…
He will.
…
It's unfair.
A childish sentiment, I know… But that's how I feel… Lady Justice looks upon me with tired eyes…
I didn't choose to lose my mind.
You chose to fuck them.
Yet, here we are, four years later, and I am still the one paying for Your sins.
