9/29 - 10/2 pt1
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions. My initial emotions will often sound extreme, but that’s the BPD talking. The Borderline Diaries put those emotions out there, because we can’t understand what we can’t see. The Borderline Diaries are me talking - sorting through my emotions to get to my healthy feelings, my healthy relationships, and my healthy life.
Paint me Like a Monet
Part I
Entry Dates
Monday, September 29, 2025 – Thursday, October 2, 2025
Themes of the Week
This week, I felt both intense anger and sadness, and I had to find a balance between the two. I struggled to process my emotions around losses - Past and present, but ultimately was able to come to terms with my grief around the different situations. For much of the week, anxiety had me in a chokehold. Anxiety is really just unprocessed emotions, so looking ahead at this upcoming week, I know I need to be better about doing my Daily Connections. Processing on-the-go and in real time is important (and I’m very good at it!), but the intentional and thought out processing I do in my Daily Connections is vital for my recovery. I also faced another situation this week that caused me great distress. Not only did I see an increase in my anxiety, but also in my OCD, intrusive thoughts, paranoia, and suicidal ideation. This might sound scary, and honestly it was, but I was able to find my way back to my baseline and recovery thinking. I did this by processing independently, but also seeking help from appropriate and trusted support people in my life. Another thing I noticed this week was increased self-hate and destructive thinking and behaviors, mostly related to food and exercise. I’m sure this is related to the high stress I felt this past week (falling back into negative coping mechanisms). It’s something for me to be aware of moving forward. I see my nutritionist this coming week, and I think it will be good to chat more with him. But for now, I will tell myself what he always tells me, “You’re doing a good job, Veronica.” Yes, yes I am!
Hostility vs healthy anger
Sadness and learning how to grieve in a healthy way
Validating and processing things for myself, but not being afraid to ask for help
Giving myself grace
Problem solving
Utilizing healthy coping mechanisms
Getting back on track after falling into old, destructive thought patterns and habits
Monday, September 29, 2025
10:57 am
I think one of my boys has a nasty little habit…
I see a red polo decorated with thin white lines…
I thought the girl with the light eyes, and the lilacs tattooed on her thigh was the problem… But maybe I was wrong…
Yeah, now I’m thinking that maybe he was really the problem all along…
But you know what? - I don’t care. I still love him. In fact, now he’s even more my type. Like I told you last week, there’s nothing I love more than a dirty clean boy; a good with a vice.
I don’t know why… maybe it’s because I understand what it’s like to be an addict. I’m a love addict, a sex addict - My boys are my drug… And maybe I see myself in their eyes… I recognize and empathize with their addictions… More than that, I think I can replace their substance of choice - alcohol, nicotine, marijuana… hey, who knows, maybe even thin white lines… - Yeah, I think I can replace those vices and be their only drug - To satisfy my own neverending need for sex… Sex and love.
1:15 pm
She’s blond.
…
Or is she?
It seems His new love changes her hair faster than He erased me… Now deep chocolate erases honey blonde… Tell me honey, who inspired your new look? The mermaid tattoo on his bicep? The one your thighs attempt to deface? Oh silly child, do you think this is some game? - I walked so you could run. I already gave Him His forever, but have your fun. And oh sweet thing, you can dye your hair all you want, but you can never deface me - And oh honey don’t you listen to a word He says, because He will never really erase me. And oh baby, I’m not trying to be unkind, but you are nothing more than a warm body. A feminine form to keep Him company in my place. And when He fucks you, He dreams of my face. 20 years old, 20 years old… God you’re such a baby. And do you think it’s a coincidence? - That He chose to love you at the age He stopped loving me? An attempt to freeze time, and live out forever with my fallen memory? No. Let me tell you something, no. No, baby girl, there are no coincidences in this life. But hey, again, have fun - You’ll make a lovely bride… And I'm sure you'll be a wonderful mother… To the babe I never bore…
5:15 pm
“... So I'll be coasting, I'm roller-coasting
Through my emotion
I will be coasting, roller-coasting
I'm hoping that you'll come back to me
…
Moving on seems harder to do
When the one that you love
Moves faster than you
I gave you my all
I showed the proof of your lies
And you weren't worth it
You don't deserve me…”
…
(Coaster, by Khalid)
I’m driving home… Talking to myself as I do sometimes. I’m thinking about Him… And I really am fine. Look, I know what I said earlier, and I am sorry, because that was unkind… But I won’t deny how I feel or deny the anger I have inside. Perhaps that was more hostility… Women attacking women for a man’s mistakes - It’s a tale as old as time… Still, I’m sorry. To Him, to Her, to me… God, what an unfortunate three…
Anyways, I’m driving, feeling all kinds of things… But mostly sadness. I come to a red light, and stop. Tears rush down my cheeks as I speak out loud to an audience of only myself, “I - I - I… I just feel so sad, and I worry about Him, and all the hurt I caused Him. I didn’t mean to, I didn’t know I was sick… I - I - I… I wish I could tell Him… I just wish I could look Him in the eye and tell Him, ‘I’m sorry.” - Because I am babe, I may not love you anymore, and you may not love me… But I believe we are both sorry… I know I am - I’m sorry with all of my heart.
Tuesday, September 30, 2025
6:33 am
“... When I was young, I fell in love
We used to hold hands, man, that was enough (yeah)
Then we grew up, started to touch
Used to kiss underneath the light on the back of the bus (yeah)
Oh no, your daddy didn't like me much
And he didn't believe me when I said you were the one
Oh, every day she found a way out of the window to sneak out late
She used to meet me on the Eastside
In the city where the sun don't set…”
…
(Eastside, by Benny Blanco, Halsey, and Khalid)
I pull in.
There is a subtle turn of my head towards the back lot…
Not even a conscious decision,
A reflex driven by my heart rather than my mind…
Not looking for Him,
Looking for him.
Not wanting Him,
Wanting him.
…
My…
How times change
3:53 pm
I'm so anxious. I feel like I can't breathe. I think it's because I've been off today - Like really off… I let myself sleep in until 6:00 am. Then I got up and went to the gym. I didn’t have to work today, so I was able to take my time with my workout and do a little extra, because you know I still feel like I've been overeating. But anyways, after my workout I came home, had breakfast (and of course I ate too much…), showered, and did my skincare. Since then, I’ve just been able to relax (somewhat), and take care of things at home - Meal prep, wash, etc. I've been working on you and writing a lot too. I’ve been writing my Dear John letter which has been emotional… So maybe that's a part of the anxiety I’m feeling now - Just an abundance of emotions being stirred up… Like cloudy waters on the Sea of Gailalee…
Okay, so yeah, maybe writing to my Dear John is part of the reason I feel anxious, but that’s not a bad thing… Emotion is not bad… And I love writing… Yeah, I love writing my story, and I love sharing it with you.
But still, now I feel like I just can't breathe. I'm folding laundry, and I'm listening to music, and I'm trying to take my mind off things. But I just can't breathe. I can't fucking breathe. I can't breathe. Oh my God. I can't breathe. I'm so anxious…
But yeah… I think it's because I have to go back to work tomorrow, and I had such a chill day today, and felt very safe at home, and now I have to enter the world again… Sometimes that's really scary.. Even though I feel cared for in my job, it's still scary to be out in the world. But I'll be okay. I know I need to process my emotions more and I will in a little bit… First, I'm going to finish folding this wash and do some dishes and try to breathe... Oh Lord, please help me remember how to fucking breathe…
3:58 pm
“... Come talk to me, I don't care
For you, I wanna be heartless
You run your hands through my hair
And I forget I don't want this
…
Come talk to me, I don't care
For you, I wanna be heartless
You'll tear my heart out again
But I'll feel alive, I'll feel alive, yeah…”
…
(Talk to Me, by Damiano David, Nile Rodgers, and Tyla)
Oh my God. I'm bent over the bed. One hand steadies me, the other is clasped over my mouth. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I look at the crimson red on my fingernails. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Oh my God. Everything's so loud and I can't breathe.
4:23 pm
“... Come talk to me, I don't care
For you, I wanna be heartless
You run your hands through my hair
And I forget I don't want this
…
Come talk to me, I don't care
For you, I wanna be heartless
You'll tear my heart out again
But I'll feel alive, I'll feel alive, yeah…”
…
(Talk to Me, by Damiano David, Nile Rodgers, and Tyla)
And just like that, I'm dancing through the air swinging my hips. My arms dance along, going, “Swish, swish” … And I'm shaking my hand through the air, pretending to tousle his hair.
I'm smiling. The sun is shining. Life is good and I can breathe… Oh thank God I can breathe!
And I know I'm living in a fantasy, tousling his hair, oh but God, I don't care! I don't care! Because even if it never comes to be - And God I don’t know that it ever will - I’m just so damn happy to be here!
“... Come talk to me, I don't care
For you, I wanna be heartless
You run your hands through my hair
And I forget I don't want this
…
Come talk to me, I don't care
For you, I wanna be heartless
You'll tear my heart out again
But I'll feel alive, I'll feel alive, yeah…”
…
(Talk to Me, by Damiano David, Nile Rodgers, and Tyla)
6:05 pm
I’m surrounded by rolling hills and golden rays. I'm thinking about my Dear John so much today… So much today. Of course - Like I said earlier, it's because I'm writing him that letter… Don't get me wrong, I think about him always, just like him and all my boys - All the boys I've loved before. But today, I'm thinking about him even more… And again, it's probably because of that letter.
But as I walk now surrounded by rolling hills, the golden rays cascade down my face, and make a halo around me. Yes, today a halo surrounds and warms me - Me, and not my Dear John.
Oh, but I'm thinking about him now, and about how I ran my hands through his hair, tangled and twisted up in his sheets… Rough waters on the Sea of Galilee. Oh, and now I can just see him standing in front of me, and I'm running my hands through his long dark locks… His crown of curls… Oh baby, I think I need you. Don't you need me? I'll be in your hometown soon.. Not that long from now in fact… Oh, couldn't we try again? Couldn't we?... Couldn’t we?
But I don't care because I'm young, and I'm wild, and I'm free, and I'm so happy! - I'll say it again, I'm just so damn happy to be here!
“... Come talk to me, I don't care
For you, I wanna be heartless
You run your hands through my hair
And I forget I don't want this
…
Come talk to me, I don't care
For you, I wanna be heartless
You'll tear my heart out again
But I'll feel alive, I'll feel alive, yeah…”
…
(Talk to Me, by Damiano David, Nile Rodgers, and Tyla)
6:07 pm
Swishing hips, skipping feet, arms doing backstroke through the air. Oh how good it feels to be alive! Oh how good it feels to be here!
Dancing, twirling, racing, chasing!
I run my hands through my hair and smile through my eyes.
6:18 pm
“You look like someone I know
Pretty like a picture, dangerous as a dagger
I know l've been here before
There's something so familiar, guess I'm going with ya
…
Eh, oh, do I really wanna know
If you're ever gonna let me go? …”
…
(Talk to Me, by Damiano David, Nile Rodgers, and Tyla)
Do you ever find a song that you just connect with instantly? - Connect with? - More like become obsessed with… That’s the story of my life… Whether melodies or men, it is in my very nature to obsess myself to death…
My Dear John… I want to hit replay on him until my fingers bleed - I want to start him over again before I even finish him - Falling in love over and over again - On repeat, and repeat, and repeat…him
Oh baby… please come back to me?
9:13 pm
Hi, hi! Just checking in to say goodnight and do my daily connection. I'm feeling really good, and I have been feeling better overall the last couple of days… I feel content and at peace… I feel like I can breathe… Because I've created more space, and allowed myself more time to just be… That's actually what I want to process more now:
Daily Connection
I'm going down in my hours at work. I'd tell you the whole long story, but really, that's not what's important. What's important is how I feel about it.
I was talking to Dad about it last night - How anything I do, I have a tendency to overdo. “Too much of a good thing,” is the story of my life. Whether it's my job, making money, having nice things, school, working out, healthy eating, my appearance and beauty routine, relationships, hobbies, even you, I become obsessive and fixate on achieving “perfection” in any and every of the above mentioned fields. Because more is always better, right? - More work, more money, more things, more education, more hours at the gym, more strictness with my diet, more beauty, more “love,” more “fun,” or more time with you… I hit replay until my fingers bleed - I want more before I’m even finished with what’s in front of me - Searching for more over and over again - On repeat, and repeat, and repeat…
So, I'm always biting off more than I can chew… I've processed this a lot in therapy, but obviously it's still a very present issue in my life… My constant need for “more” … Thinking it will fill the empty void I still feel deeply at times… Thinking it will make me feel happy, or even just content… Thinking it will give me value, when I can't find value in simply me… Thinking it will distract me from the sometimes never-ending noise in my head… Thinking it will put out the ever-raging fire in my mind…
But that's not true. Only I can fill the empty void. Only I can be the true source of my own happiness and contentment. Only I can assign myself value. Only I can quiet the noise. Only I can put out my fire.
… And that's all so hard - A never-ending quest to be the heroine in my own story… To have healthy, balanced, and integrated relationships in every aspect of my life… With myself, with others (especially romantic partners), with roles, situations, experiences, and even objects… But I'm doing it… I am. Every day I write another chapter in my story, and I get stronger with each passing page…
Now I'm getting tired, so let me focus on my emotions around going down in hours at work - To maximize my productivity while there (which will actually benefit my pay, etc), and most importantly to give myself time to breathe - Especially because I'm balancing so many other things right now…
Emotions around going down in hours at work:
Positive Emotions Processed: Peace, accepting, content, happy, joy, glad, grateful, hopeful, relaxed, proud, confident, secure, self-reliant, capable, supported, understood, forgiving, self-care, self-love
Negative Emotions Processed: Insecure, inadequate, inferior, embarrassed, worthless, ugly, shame, guilt, sorry, anger (self), blame (self), disappointed, let down, sad
…
Reading those emotions back to myself, it’s clear to me that I am struggling a little bit (as always) to accept and come to terms with my limitations. I can't possibly take care of my physical + mental health, fulfill my home responsibilities, work full-time, go back to school, and juggle all the other jobs/hobbies I have going on… No human could… But I hold myself to such high standards, it's hard to let go… People call me Wonder Woman… I don't want to let go… But I must… And dropping 5-6 hours of work a week is a good place to start. I can be flexible, I can take care of myself. I deserve a balanced schedule that allows me to take care of my physical and mental well-being, and have time for all of my joyful passions… And have time to rest… And breathe… Because I deserve rest, and I deserve time to breathe.
…
Speaking of rest, it's time for me to sleep… And speaking of sleep, I've been sleeping better now… With the medication… And I haven't been having those vivid and colorful dreams… I've just had sleep… Good sleep…
I remember late nights and many men on my phone… I know I've had some slip ups recently… Begging my Dear John to come back to me… But that's different… It's quiet… And I really do care for him… Vs before… Lost in an endless sea of messages… Searching for a high in the dirty waters on the Sea of Galilee… I see the blue-light reflecting off of my never-tired eyes… Messaging them all… Chasing that high… Alone… High… Alone… High…
But those nights are long gone … Or are they? - I hope so… I fear them… I fear the return of my insanity… But a part of me also misses them… I'll say it again, I miss my high… So very much…
No. No. Those nights are done.
I mourn the loss, and some part of me will always grieve my wild nights… But now I am at peace, and I sleep soundly with fluttering closed eyes and a child-like smile. Peaceful, content, happy. Beautiful and tame, but ever-wild.
So I bid myself goodnight, and wish myself sweet dreams… Because I deserve rest, and sleep.
Wednesday, October 1, 2025
6:43 pm
Today was good. Long, and I’m exhausted… But it was a good day.
I was reminded of how blessed I am to be in the position I'm in. I was having a lot of anxiety earlier in the day… I was going down all these dark roads. I get so paranoid, and then there’s my intrusive thoughts - Oh my God -Sometimes I swear they'll be at the death of me… And I just wanted to text Mom and Dad begging for help saying, I needed to talk as soon as I got home… But then I paused, took a few deep breaths, and I was able to help myself.
I was also about to talk to someone else and process the situation with them. I told her I was going down dark roads… Roads that ended with me hanging in a cell. She said, “I know.” - She knows. Then she told me, “Let yourself feel all those feelings and hold space for them, but don’t go down those dark roads.”
…
When I got home I was still feeling anxious… I wanted to ask Mom for help… But Mom had a hard day too. So, instead of unloading my fears on her, I sat patiently and listened to her tell me about her day, and her stress, and her worries. Honestly, that made me feel better - It made me feel like I'm not alone… I'm not the only person who gets stressed or worried about all kinds of things… I’m not the only person who has bad days… And again, like I so often say, that doesn't make me sick… It makes me human. Of course, because of the way I am, maybe I'm more sensitive to stress and more reactive... But I'm learning how to manage that, and I'm managing it everyday, and I’m doing a good job… And again I'm so thankful to have the support I have…
…
I'm out walking now, but before I left, Mom and I were talking about everything I have going on now… I feel lost. I'm doing so many different things, and I feel like there are so many loose ends. I know feeling this way doesn't make me special - I know almost everyone feels like this… But still, I told Mom I wish things would start falling into place. I wish the path I'm supposed to take in life would become clear.
Mom said my path will become clear, and she said she knows it's a cliche but it’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Mom says who knows where any one of these things might go - My job, my schooling, my advocacy, you… You.
You.
As I was leaving for my walk, Mom said, “You don't know that someone has already been saved by you sharing your story - You don't know that there isn't even just one person checking your blog regularly, reading every word, and feeling connection and hope.”
Mom said I might never know if I saved someone… I might never know until I'm dead and gone, and God shows me the big picture of everything I've done… But that doesn't really matter… What matters is that I could save even just one person’s life by using my voice and sharing my story… And that makes it all worth it… And that is worth more than all the money in the world.
And I felt so supported, and understood, and grateful when Mom was talking like that. Sometimes I don't think she understands you fully. But just because she doesn't understand you doesn't mean she doesn't believe in you, and that means the world to me. I'm so grateful for my Mom. I love her so much.
Thursday, October 2, 2025
8:07 am
I see a girl with a bigger chest than me, and I am filled with self-hate, and feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy… I flashback to another time…
I was with Him. We were laying on the couch, He was resting his head on my chest… He always did - He was always the one leaning on me… Despite my fragile mind, I think I was the rock in that relationship… Something I did not realize until it was too late… I want my next relationship to be equal… A healthy and balanced union, where we stand tall and strong together…
Anyways…
… We were on the couch - Him and I, He was resting His head on my chest… And I don’t really know why, but I made a joke about my breasts - Something about getting surgery to make them bigger… He smiled, and said, “Mmmmmm,” in a way that indicated He would like that very, very, much… In a way that indicated my breasts weren’t enough… In a way that indicated I wasn’t enough.
Not a day goes by when I don’t think about that interaction.
And do you know when He left, I took matters into my own hands… I did everything I could to try to make my breasts bigger without surgery. Of course I worked out my chest in the gym, but I also binged on bee pollen because Google said so… More than that, I would force feed myself until I was sick, telling myself the extra weight would just go to my breasts. 45 lbs later I realized that wasn’t the case… Again… I didn’t realize until it was too late…
That was all years ago now, and since then I’ve lost all the weight. I’m in the best shape of my life, with extremely low body fat, and extremely high muscle mass. I have curves for days, and have learned to love my breasts. The very definition of slim-thick… Yeah… I’ve worked tirelessly for my body… And yeah, I lost all the weight, and love myself most days… But my insecurities still follow me everywhere I go…
… And still… Not a day goes by when I don’t think about His face, “Mmmmmmm” … And now here I am… At the gym… Not caring about Him anymore, but caring about Him… Broken hearted because why would he ever look in my direction, when the girl next to me has a bigger chest, and smells like lilacs and virginity?...
8:24 am
He tells me I’m in such incredible shape, and that he admires my dedication, “You're doing amazing! You're gonna live forever!” … Why does that sentiment make me tear up? … Is it because even just a couple of years ago, the thought of living forever would have been intolerable? … Yet now I fear death… And I pray to God I live a beautiful, long, healthy life…
Yes, I fear death… So much… But today, I feel him near… So close I can almost taste him… I am afraid…
8:25 am
My calories burned reflect the devil’s number in front of me…
3 in a row…
An unholy trinity.
I force myself to resist the compulsion of crossing myself,
Crossing myself to counteract the evil in front of me,
Crossing myself to prevent bad things from happening to me…
My OCD has been worse…
With all my worries…
The intrusive thoughts too…
Saying if I don’t listen to the voice in my head,
My vision will come true…
Sued
Court
Lost respect
Lost love
A cell
Alone
Hanging
From an unwashed bedsheet
Slit wrists
A failed attempt
Before success
Drips of red
Tangled and twisted up in the sheet
Bloody waters on the Sea of Galilee
Like rose petals in the snow
Help.
12:28 pm
I've been struggling mentally the past couple of days… Especially yesterday and this morning - I know that’s no surprise to you, I know you can tell I've been anxious.
Yeah, I've been so worried, and the intrusive thoughts just won’t let me be. I see the cell. I see the noose that I made for myself and I see myself hanging. I'm suicidal because I'm scared. But I'm feeling okay now… I've been coming in and out of it as the day goes on - There are moments of clarity when I can see that it's all okay and that the intrusive thoughts are my mind playing tricks on.
I’m driving now. The windows are down. The sun is shining. I see water ahead of me, a beautiful blue… And I'm not thinking of drowning in it, I'm thinking of jumping in it - Swimming, laughing. The leaves are red. They're starting to turn… Rose petals in the snow.
Oh I don't know, I don't know! - I’m laughing now… And yeah, I'm driving, and yeah, the windows are down, and yeah I'm just so happy, and yeah, that song I love is playing, and yeah, I'm just so grateful - So grateful to be alive! … And I want to run now, yeah, I want to run to my Good Doctor and throw my arms around him, and kiss him on the cheek, and run my hands through his hair, and thank him - Yes. - I want to thank him for saving my life - Thank him for saving my life so I can hear this song I love playing - Thank him for saving my life so I can be alive today. Oh thank you, oh thank you, and I love you!
“... I know you're gonna call me crazy
It's not the first time l called you baby
And every time you touch my body
It's like you ripped out my heart already
Come talk to me, I don't care
For you, I wanna be heartless
You run your hands through my hair
And I forget I don't want this..”
…
(Talk to Me, by Damiano David, Nile Rodgers, and Tyla)
9:27 pm
I need sleep, but I wanted to say goodnight before I go to bed. I'm still struggling mentally - I’ve been having ups and downs all day… The intrusive thoughts and paranoia are getting to me… There are many moments when I feel frantic and squirrely - Eyes darting all around me, looking for the face of the impending doom I know is lurking… But then there are moments when I feel at peace and joyful… In those moments, I feel aware and in touch with reality. I wish those moments would stay…
“... You say, ‘Goodbye’ and I say, ‘Hello, hello, hello’
I don't know why you say, ‘Goodbye,’ I say, ‘Hello, hello, hello’
I don't know why you say, ‘Goodbye,’ I say, ‘Hello…”
…
(Hello, Goodbye, by The Beatles)
Oh - You know that song always makes me think of him… Today he said hello. And just writing that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and silly like a schoolgirl with a crush… And happy, so damn happy. I wonder if he knows… Knows how happy he makes me… Knows that seeing him and exchanging our breezy greetings makes my day… Knows that I love him, and that I always will… Even if only ever from far away… Oh but darling, please don't go…
“... You say, ‘Goodbye’ and I say, ‘Hello, hello, hello’
I don't know why you say, ‘Goodbye,’ I say, ‘Hello, hello, hello’
I don't know why you say, ‘Goodbye,’ I say, ‘Hello…”
…
(Hello, Goodbye, by The Beatles)
