9/17 - 9/21 pt2
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions. My initial emotions will often sound extreme, but that’s the BPD talking. The Borderline Diaries put those emotions out there, because we can’t understand what we can’t see. The Borderline Diaries are me talking - sorting through my emotions to get to my healthy feelings, my healthy relationships, and my healthy life.
Aphrodite Knows Where You Live
Part II
Entry Dates
Wednesday, September 17, 2025 – Sunday, September 21, 2025
Themes of the Week
This week my moods continued to fluctuate… Perhaps not as much as last week though. I continued feeling a stronger presence of anti-social personality traits. At times I felt very detached, unfeeling, and cold… Just like last week… That really scared me, and I don’t know what’s behind it… I felt more dissociated at times too… Like I didn’t even recognize my own face in the mirror, or feel at home in my own body… I felt as though I was watching my life play out on the big screen. Gosh, me a movie star? … Can you even imagine? …
Anger vs sadness
Mourning losses
Longing and idealizing
Acceptance and peace
Coping with intense feelings of loneliness and intense sadness
Wednesday, September 17, 2025
8:06 am
I miss my highs.
“... All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss…”
…
(Last Kiss, by Taylor Swift)
1:17 pm
My friend told me he’s glad my Dear John didn’t respond… He said he’s sorry about Him having a new girlfriend too… Then he told me my brown eyed boy has been, “really quiet lately,” “not saying much” … I bet that nasty girlfriend of his has been popping my pink bubbles of protection, breaking his China… Breaking his heart…
I would never break his heart. I would only heal it.
… But will I ever get the chance? … God only knows, God only knows…
2:59 pm
Messages (responding to my friend):
Me (about my Dear John):
Yeah still no response. I've really been feeling so sad about him lately.
Me (about Him):
(He) is whatever. I want Him to be happy, I hope He is. Looking at what we lost makes me sad, but I truly wouldn't want to be with Him now. I'm so happy I'm not.
Me (about my brown eyed boy):
And weird about (my brown eyed boy), I wonder what's up... I hope he's ok.
6:06 pm
“... So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe…”
…
(Last Kiss, by Taylor Swift)
I'm driving home listening to music… Just like I always do… But today my hand doesn't make a wave in the air beside me… No… Today it rests on my thigh… In the exact same spot His used to.
7:16 pm
“... La-la, la-la, la
…
Yeah, it's been a long night and the mirror's tellin' me to go home (home)
But it's been a long time since I felt this good on my own
Uh, lotta years went by with my hands tied up in your ropes
Forever and ever, no more…”
…
(Midnight Sky, by Miley Cyrus)
I'm out walking,
Dancing down the road,
Untied scrub pants hanging loosely.
I didn't even bother to tie my shoes,
I just stuffed the laces and my feet into them -
Dirty, off-white Hokas,
Still reeking of sweat from this morning’s early workout.
Yes, I'm dancing down the road tonight,
Swishing my hips,
Skipping,
Smiling,
Laughing,
Jumping….
Then I opened my arms real wide into a T -
“I'm the King of the world!”
…
Yeah, I'm the King of the fucking world! -
A joyful crucifixion.
“... I was born to run, I don't belong to anyone, oh no
I don't need to be loved by you (by you)
Fire in my lungs, can't bite the devil on my tongue, you know
I don't need to be loved by you
See his hands on my waist, thought you'd never be replaced, baby
Ooh, you know it's true, yeah
That I was born to run, I don't belong to anyone, oh no
I don't need to be loved by you, yeah
…
La-la, la-la, la
La-la
You know it's true
You know it's true
(Loved by you)”
…
(Midnight Sky, by MIley Cyrus)
7:23 pm
I'm at the top of the hill;
I'm at the top of the world! -
“I’m the King of the world!”
…
On my way up,
The double yellow line called out to me,
Wanting to dance with me,
Crying and begging,
“For old time’s sake!”
But I stayed hugging the white sideline,
Dancing on my own…
Still, as I turned the corner,
A truck bellowed by me
70-80 miles an hour…
So fast! …
So fast…
My eyes light up,
Like a former addict,
Getting a whiff of crack…
…
I'm at the top of the hill;
I'm at the top of the world! -
God I feel so alive!
Arms out in a T,
“I'm the king of the world!”
Yeah, I'm the king of the fucking world! …
… God I miss my high …
“... But I'm holdin' on for dear life
Won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until mornin' light
'Cause I'm just holdin' on for tonight
Help me, I'm holdin' on for dear life
Won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until mornin' light
'Cause I'm just holdin' on for tonight, on for tonight…”
…
(Chandelier, by Sia)
7:33 pm
I begin my descent back down the hill,
I take myself down from the cross I made.
I will not be the author of my own crucifixion,
Even if it is a joyful one.
Not today,
Not ever.
So I take myself down,
I turn my back on Golgotha,
And I skip home.
7:38 pm
What I thought was a private soliloquy, I now realize was a performance… Witnessed by a pair of startled looking deer in the field beside me:
“I didn't choose to lose my mind.”
“You chose to fuck them.”
…
“Them.”
There are so many different meanings for that word, aren't there?
Yet I ignored it in its simplest form…
“Them” -
Plural.
9:02 pm
Daily Connection:
I’m going to be speaking at a presentation tomorrow with The Good Doctor. I’m very apprehensive, because I feel like I bombed the last one I did with him, and it was very distressing for me. I can’t fail him… But I won’t. I will do my best, that’s all I can do. I’m sharing my story, and I know my story. I can do this. I am strong.
Emotions around the presentation tomorrow:
Negative Emotions Processed: Apprehensive, insecure, uncertain, worried, hesitant
Positive Emotions Processed: Capable, safe, trust, calm, hopeful, peace, accepting, strong, brave, courageous, self-reliant, secure, proud, happy, grateful, honored, excited, joy
9:46 pm
I was just walking into my bedroom from the bathroom. I'm wearing sweatpants, fuzzy socks, and a college T-shirt that doesn't belong to me. My hair is in a French braid, and I have my retainer in - The very picture of beauty… More like reality… Anyways, I was walking into my bedroom from the bathroom, rubbing the remnants of my moisturizer into my hands, when suddenly, a wave of sadness washed over me… Because I realized as I was rubbing my hands together, my fingers were searching for the ring He gave me… The ring that owned me for years… The ring I never took off… Well never… Until I lost my mind…
I didn't choose to lose my mind.
You chose to fuck them.
But yes, my fingers were searching for it just then, and my mind was thinking about it, expecting it to be there… Expecting Him to be here…
Sometimes this happens you see - I forget all that has happened.
My brain is still severely damaged you see… Yeah, He didn't mean to but He broke me…
And all the king’s horses, and all the king’s men couldn't put His baby together again…
Not even The Good Doctor who saved me could save me from this strange and fleeting phenomenon… Almost, but not fully…
Cause yeah, sometimes I forget all that has happened… Sometimes I still think I'm 19… Sometimes I feel unreal… Sometimes I still reach for a phantom ring… Sometimes I still wake up in the dead of night still reaching for Him…
Him. Him. My first and painful love. My forever phantom limb.
Thursday, September 18, 2025
5:31 am
I hope I see him today.
5:38 am
“... I was born to run, I don't belong to anyone, oh no
I don't need to be loved by you (by you)...”
…
(Midnight Sky, by Miley Cyrus)
Are you reading this?
Hey, how are you?
Fleeting hellos and breezy goodbyes…
I don't need to be loved by you…
But I'd like to be…
Very much so.
Oh please, please, won't you look in my direction…
6:10 am
Helpless and hopeless because he'll never see me now. Not with lilacs and virginity clouding his vision.
7:17 am
Messages (from Mom):
Good luck today! You are doing great things!
Positive Emotions Processed: Warm, grateful, loved, joy, peace
8:18 pm
Mom and I just finished having dinner together. Lemony white bean sauce with olive oil and cherry tomatoes from the farmer's market over brown rice, roasted broccoli and brussel sprouts on the side.
We're cleaning up the dishes, and I'm telling Mom about some boy I love… Some boy I want to wrap up tight in pink bubble wrap and never let go…
“So if you wanted to see his account…”
“I would have to request to follow him -”
“Oh no, you don't want to do that, that's embarrassing.”
I smile. Mom gets it.
Positive Emotions Processed: Warm, welcomed, amused, humorous, understood, grateful, love
9:23 pm
Daily Connection
One of my friends has a new friend. He said he loves her, “So much.” That broke my heart to hear… Because if he loves her, “So much,” then he must not love me anymore… Right?
Because you can't love more than one person at a time… Right?
I mean I have all my boys, and I love all my boys, but that's different… When I love someone, and I mean when I really love someone, I have love for nothing but them. My everything.
… I know that isn't healthy though. I know that isn't love, it's obsession…
So now I'm just thinking that maybe this is alright - My friend's new friend… Maybe this doesn't mean he loves me any less… And maybe this is healthy…
But still, it breaks my heart.
Negative Emotions Processed: Sad, hurt, insecure, inadequate, inferior, worthless, shame, sorry, despair, helpless, trapped, ugly, worthless
Positive Emotions Processed: Calm, accepting, forgiving, trust, secure, hope, strong, self-reliant
…
Here's the other thing, and I apologize if this makes no sense, because God knows I'm tired, and God knows my eyes are shutting… But here's the other thing - I'm not just sad and hurt, I'm angry… Angry at my friend for loving someone else. Yes, I’m angry at him and I want to hurt him… Make him feel my love? I'll make him feel my absence… Pain. I will make him feel pain. I will make him hurt the way he hurt me. And I will smile while I do it.
Negative Emotions Processed: Anger, distrust, disgust, frustrated
Positive Emotions Processed: Powerful, strong, self-reliant, secure, attractive, sexy
Negative Emotions Processed: Shame, evil, guilt, sorry
…
I need to process more… Last week too… I noticed this more… And I have been… I'm in that certain personality state… Or I have been more… The demigod… Antisocial tendencies… I call that version of me Aphrodite… She scares me the most out of all my me’s… Not the deadliest for me… But the deadliest for those around me…
Aphrodite… Antisocial… Pain… Smile…
I'm coming out of it this week but, still, I felt more detached… I felt cold… I felt nothing when I looked at faces I'm supposed to love… Nothing at all. And that terrifies me…
…
Do you know what I wonder sometimes? Sometimes I wonder if the reason I can't always love those around me like I’m supposed to… Is because all my love's used up… I put it all into one thing, one person… Love. Obsession. Love. Obsession.
… I'm so tired now. I need to go to sleep. But I'm laughing at my other me’s. I'm a black cat. 9 lives. My other me’s. Those bitches can't kill me.
… God help me
… I need sleep
Friday, September 19, 2025
5:28 am
I'm sitting on the steps of the mudroom eating a rice cake with almond butter. The almond butter is runny and it's all over my fingers now. I lick it off happily, thanking God no one is here to see, and wondering how life would be different if I were a man.
5:50 am
I hope I see him today. I doubt I will, but I hope. I hope.
I hope for something more than passing hellos and breezy goodbyes. But if that's all I can get, I will love every second, and take it with a smile.
6:30 am
I hear a voice, and snap my neck in its direction. A total role reversal, as usually I’m the one breaking backs and snapping necks… But he’s different… God, I would give up everything that ever meant anything to me… If he would only look in my direction…
I don’t see him, but I know he is here now. So I am safe, and I am happy. All because a door is open, and a light is on. All because I heard his voice. All because he is here, and I know nothing bad will happen to me now.
7:21 am
Separated by big picture windows, separated “right person, wrong time” … I'm going to leave… And it’s fast, and it’s subtle, but I swear to God, he looks in my direction.
9:58 am
I think I hurt my friend. Not the one I was telling you about last night, no, no, a different friend… Someone who I have grown very close to over the past few months… Someone who is helping me raise you up right. In fact, without this person, there would be no you… So that right there tells you how important this person is to me, because afterall, you are the most important thing in my life…
But yes, I think I hurt this person… Or maybe I made them angry… I know I at least wasted their time… So I feel very afraid… Afraid I am going to lose this person…
I remember this person telling me, “I like to show people kindness… Until they prove they don’t deserve it…”
And is that what I’ve done? Proven I don’t deserve their kindness anymore?
I don’t know what I would do without this person… I can’t raise my baby - you - alone. I need their help. I need them…
I realize I’ve grown dependent on them… And on you…
But it’s more than that, yeah, this goes beyond you… I care about this person very much. I love them dearly as a friend… I don’t want to hurt them… I don’t want to lose them…
So tell me why - why I am leaving their last message unread… Entering an era of silence… I’m angry at my friend - Or at least I’m painting a black target on his back, and directing the anger I have at myself over the situation onto him. An unjust transfer. Because maybe if I freeze him out, and make myself the victim, he will forget… Make him feel my love? I'll make him feel my absence… Pain. I will make him feel pain. I will make him hurt. And I will smile while I do it.
…
Now I know this mindset isn’t healthy, yeah, I know this is old habits dying hard… But I just need to stay here a little while longer… Then I will process my way out, and find a healthy balance. I know one disagreement and hurt feelings don’t mean the relationship is over or damaged beyond repair. I know anger - healthy anger - actually fosters healing and growth, and strengthens relationships… Yeah, yeah, all of this I know…
So when I am ready, I will use my words, and sit with the discomfort that comes with conflict… So we can heal, grow, and become stronger. I trust we will survive, I trust we will be alright.
1:49 pm
My teacher is speaking. He is talking about love:
“What does it mean when someone’s in love? Doesn’t it mean that they’ve lost all reason? When someone is in love, they will do anything for that person…”
“Freud’s concept of love - it really is beautiful - is that love is the melting away of the ego, or your rational mind.”
…
So, is that what’s been wrong with me all along? Maybe I’m not mentally ill - Maybe I’m just always in love…
9:32 pm
I need sleep. Very much. But I need to process my emotions first. I know that… It's so important for my continued recovery…
Let's see… I've really been missing my Dear John lately. He never responded to my text… About sex… I want so much more than that from him though… I want to love him… He just won't let me…
Love; to lose all reason.
Then I certainly do love him, because God knows I've lost all reason. I would do anything to protect him, anything to keep him safe…
I remember the night we met. I remember laying with him in bed… And looking up at him through heavy lashes. Dissociation clouded my vision, but I heard him speak to me… Talking about my eyes… “I just can't tell what you're thinking when you look at me like that…” I made you lose all sense and all reason with my eyes… Aphrodite's eyes… Oh but baby, you see you amaze me… Because you were the first sailor to ever survive.
Emotions around missing my Dear John so much lately:
Negative Emotions Processed: Sad, helpless, hopeless, despair, hurt, abandoned, frantic, disappointed, let down, frustrated, angry, ugly, insecure, inadequate, worthless, embarrassed, humiliated, shame
Positive Emotions Processed: Strong, independent, secure, capable, proud, self-reliant, beautiful, safe, forgiving, understanding, supportive, trust, hope
Saturday, September 20, 2025
6:59 am
I had a dream about him last night...
And look - I tell you everything, but this was the kind of dream that I can't recount and print out on these pages…
Let me just say that in my dream, he did more than just look in my direction...
And let me just say that when he did, I felt safe, and warm, and peaceful, and happy. It felt right; him and I…
And as I lay with him there I didn't look up at him through Aphrodite's eyes….
No, I looked up at him through mine.
3:33 pm
“Do you want to see His new girlfriend??”
…
“She’s pretty…”
Isn’t she though…
Negative Emotions Processed: Hurt, ugly, insecure, inadequate, inferior, helpless, embarrassed, humiliated (over comment)
Negative Emotions Processed: Anger, hate, disgust (@ His new gf)
Positive Emotions Processed: Peace, glad, warm, happy, love, trust, hope, secure, strong, confident, beautiful, attractive, self-reliant, calm, relaxed, grateful
10:04 pm
I've still been feeling weird. You know how I've been noticing more antisocial personality traits in myself… Yeah. That's still going on. I feel very evil. I know that isn't true though, right? Right. Right…
You know what I was thinking just a little bit ago? I was thinking about how this diary is basically the total summation of my embedded badness (the feeling that I am inherently wrong or evil… a feeling that's been with me since I was formed in my mother's womb…) ... Yeah, yeah, this diary is a physical representation of my embedded badness… It's all my bad thoughts and feelings transcribed for all the world to see… All the horrible things I think and feel… I wonder if it would change how people see me… When they read this… When they read you… When they realize I am a monster… the devil incarnate…
… But maybe… Honestly… Maybe if it does change how some people see me… Maybe they weren't worth knowing anyways… Don't get me wrong, I'd still wish them the very best… But if they can't love me with my embedded badness… Then they can't love me at all… Then they don't love me at all… And again, that's alright… But I deserve love… I deserve love, embedded badness and all… And maybe I'm not the monster… Maybe the monster is the voice in my head telling me so… Maybe I am not a monster… Maybe I am just human. Flawed. Imperfect. Damaged. Beautifully so.
…
Sometimes… A lot of the time… I worry I will never find my love. Don't get me wrong, I love being alone in many ways, I am very strong, and I value my independence. I have worked tirelessly to get to this place, where I am content with self-love, and autonomous. But then again, don't get me wrong - I want to love and be loved - in the special kinda way - so terribly, sometimes I do believe it will kill me…
And then of course I worry… Worry I will never find love… Worry no man will accept me as I am… Not after reading you… Not after reading my monster… Not after seeing you…. Not after seeing my monster… My beautiful monster… Maybe that's what my love will see… Beauty where I see a monster… Frankenstein’s bride… Yes maybe, maybe - I pray - there is hope… Maybe out there somewhere… And maybe not that far away, my love is yearning for me just as much as I am him.
Someone once told me to say a prayer for my person (who is coming) when I am feeling alone and blue… Send them a prayer, a prayer that they have a good day, a prayer that they are kept safe, a prayer as they are brought closer to me by one more day…
So I pray, and I pray. And you know what? - I think he's out there doing the same… Wishing on me like a star… Praying, praying and eating blueberries.
Sunday, September 21, 2025
6:26 pm
Hey! I'm sorry I'm just talking to you now, but it's been a long day… Not a bad way… No, not at all…
I got to sleep in a little bit, and then I went for a walk. Then I washed my hair, and then I went to a yoga class. Then I got my nails done - deep, classic red, all sexy-like… Then I came home, and I’ve been working on you ever since. Actually, I’ve been writing to my Dear John… And honestly that's been a little rough on me… Yeah… It's been stirring up all kinds of things, all kinds of emotions, all kinds of missings… And I was texting my friend just a little while ago saying, “God I miss him so much I just wanna die” … And I don't think that's really true, you know… That I want to die or something like that… But oh God, do I miss him… And he's probably going home soon, or he probably already is… Home with his queen… Not me… Back to his…
But anyways I'm out walking now - Walking in the golden hour, soaking up every second, and thinking about my Dear John. Praying that he’s safe. Wishing I could just wrap him up in pink bubble wrap… But I'm out walking now, and I bring my arms out to my sides, making a “T” in the sky… And then I bring them up over my head like they're tied… In the same way my Dear John held them up that holy night… And now I bring my arms back down to my sides, and I feel the breeze wash over me. Cool breeze, warm day… Cool breeze, warm day… And now I'm skipping, and I'm singing, and I'm laughing, and I'm missing him, and I'm crying, and I'm feeling so many things, so many things… Good and bad… Good and bad… A beautiful mix… And I'm thinking that it all feels so good… So good to be alive… So good to be here in this beautiful time.
And again, I bring my arms out to my sides, making a “T” in the sky… And then I bring them up over my head like they're tied… And now I bring my arms back down to my sides, I'm thinking, “Oh my God, oh my God - Am I the author of my own crucifixion? Am I? Am I? - Is this just a joyful crucifixion?
Fear.
But then I realize this is not a crucifixion of any kind - This is a joyful resurrection.
“... You can kiss a hundred boys in bars
Shoot another shot, try to stop the feeling
You can say it's just the way you are
Make a new excuse, another stupid reason
…
Good luck, babe! (Well, good luck!)
Well, good luck, babe! (Well, good luck!)
You'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling
Good luck, babe! (Well, good luck!)
Well, good luck, babe! (Well, good luck!)
You'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling…”
…
(Good Luck, Babe!, by Chappell Roan)
And now I’m thinking of my Dear John, and tears are staining my eyes. Why is it that boys always leave, before they have to see you cry? And now I bring my arms out to my sides, making a “T” in the sky… And I am filled with sadness as I think about how much I miss my high… And him… I miss him… My Dear John…
Good luck, babe!
