9/15 - 9/16 pt1

You Take Care of You!

I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!

What is the Borderline Diary?

It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest?  Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone. 

Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions. My initial emotions will often sound extreme, but that’s the BPD talking. The Borderline Diaries put those emotions out there, because we can’t understand what we can’t see. The Borderline Diaries are me talking - sorting through my emotions to get to my healthy feelings, my healthy relationships, and my healthy life.

Aphrodite Knows Where You Live

Part I

Entry Dates

Monday, September 15, 2025 – Tuesday, September 16, 2025

Themes of the Week

This week my moods continued to fluctuate… Perhaps not as much as last week, though. I continued feeling a stronger presence of anti-social personality traits. At times I felt very detached, unfeeling, and cold… Just like last week… That really scared me, and I don’t know what’s behind it… I felt more dissociated at times too… Like I didn’t even recognize my own face in the mirror, or feel at home in my own body… I felt as though I was watching my life play out on the big screen. Gosh, me a movie star? … Can you even imagine? …

Anger vs sadness

Mourning losses

Longing and idealizing 

Acceptance and peace

Coping with intense feelings of loneliness and intense sadness 

Monday, September 15, 2025 

5:36 am

I was unable to sleep away my blues. My poor mood is still lingering and festering like a blister, and I feel like the yellow pus it oozes… 

6:05 am

It’s 6 AM, and she floats through the double doors to my left. Dressed in a tight off-white set that leaves little to the imagination, she looks more beautiful than I ever will. Even when I lay in my casket after taking my last earthly breath, painted up like a doll, and put on display - I will not achieve her beauty standard. 

… The day I take my last earthly breath… I pray that day is a hundred years away. I pray I am surrounded by loved ones dressed in a rainbow of reds, like rose petals in the snow. 

Now, no rose petals surround me… Only the infuriating, intoxicating odor of lilacs and virginity.

… Lilacs and virginity, huh? … And yet, she wears off-white… 

7:13 am

Today, my mind is a violent place.

10:13 am

I’m trying to communicate, but I’m really struggling. There’s a lump swelling in my throat, my voice is shaking, and I’m biting back my tears. “Omg, fuck,” I say softly with a laugh. I gently run my hands over my French braid and take a moment to gather my thoughts. Unable to make sense of the word jumble swirling around in my head, I shake it off, simply saying, “Omg, fuck, my brain is just not working today.” 

The people I’m trying to communicate with know me well, and they care for me. They are patient, and give me time and space to get to a place where I can communicate. It doesn’t take long for me to get there, and I am able to share how I’m feeling. As I continue to speak, the lump in my throat goes down, my voice becomes stronger, and my tears dry on their own. 

12:18 pm

My storm is calming. I should have had more faith that it would… It’s hard to have faith sometimes, though, when for all of my life navigating my moods has been an endless roller coaster ride. 

1:10 pm

Yet again, I am lost in fantasy… 

Dear John…

I’m pregant… Again… After only six months. Yeah, I’m pregnant again… or as my father-in-law lovingly calls it, I’m knocked up. But I've never been happier, right? Never been happier since I floated down the aisle to my Dear John, wearing some inconspicuous shade of off-white… Never been happier since I left my home and family to be a part of his. We wanted to be together, so I had to, right? … Even though our version of “together,” looks like him in a different state every other week, and me waiting at home… On the floor by the phone… Praying on my knees. I know he loves me so much, and when he’s here, I feel at peace… But when he goes, I’m lost, lost in stormy seas… And he goes so often… But he loves me! Yes, he does… I know because he got even more tatted up - My siren eyes run across his pecs, and my mermaid silhouette swims down his bicep… Tacky as hell, but God knows I love him for it. And you know I always said I’d never get a tattoo, but I had to, I just had to get one for him… Well actually, I got two… “Your’s Truly,” in his script on my lower back, and his name by my collarbone, above my left breast. Yes, I know he loves me, because we’re tied together by black dye. And what is love if not ownership in ink? But it’s more than that… I know he loves me because he would move heaven and hell to be with me… If only he could just move himself…

1:59 pm

I miss my Dear John so much today. It’s a gorgeous, sunny, fall day, but I am unable to appreciate its beauty. Instead I feel intense sadness - tragedy really - and a sense of panic. The world is so busy… Busy and scary… And he is not by my side today… I wish he was… If he was, I would kiss him, and wrap him up in pink bubble wrap. Pink, because it’s my favorite color, and he loves to see me smile… Pink because he loves to see me smile… At least for a little while… 

I think that’s the worst part of him not letting me love him, of him going away… I can’t keep him safe.

And sometimes - like right now - that makes me want to die. 

“... Because I love your handshake, meeting my father

I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets

How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something

There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions

…

And I'll go

Sit on the floor wearing your clothes

All that I know is I don't know

How to be something you miss

…

I never thought we'd have a last kiss…”

(Last Kiss, by Taylor Swift)

2:44 pm

My God, I miss him so much I can’t breathe. I won’t ever love again. 

6:05 pm 

Sadness. So painful I can hardly see. Oh my Dear John, why do I feel your absence so deeply today? Haunting me, like the ghost of a child, begging to play… But despite my attempts to calm its lonely cries, I cannot soothe it… I cannot soothe it because I cannot reach it… I cannot reach it because it's not mine to reach…

…

Today had me feeling all kinds of ways. Good, bad, and everything in between. Today was hard… I questioned my ability to perform at my job, I felt scared, insecure, inferior, and inadequate… Then I remembered the years I slept away on the coach, a prison in my own mind… Catatonic, alive only in a fantasy I created… Looking back at how far I've come, looking back at my survival story, helps me to shift my mindset. I don't know how I did it, but somehow, I survived… Of course it's because of the Good Doctor who saved me… But still… Amazing does not even begin to describe the transformation… 

…

A few months ago, when I was feeling low, Dad said something that shocked me. He told me that when I was in the darkest days of my mental illness, he never thought I’d get off the couch. Yeah… He never thought I would be able to leave the house, let alone go to school, work a good job, or have healthy relationships. He certainly never thought I would be here, building a blog, a brand, and a business… He thought I would never speak again, or smile, or laugh… And all of that shocked me… Because even through the most painful years - the years I have no real memory of - Mom and Dad never showed any signs of doubt. I was always led to believe they had nothing but faith in the possibility of my recovery… It makes me so sad to know they were just as hopeless as me… And yet… Here we all are… 

I went to school, and I’m going back. I work a good job where I care for others, and where I am cared for. I have many wonderful, healthy relationships I cherish. I am raising you, my baby, my blog, my brand, and my business. I am using my voice and my Hollywood smile for good… And above all else, I love to laugh.

So I’m just thinking now, that today might have been hard, but I’m really not doing so bad…

…

And then there’s my Dear John… I cry for his loss, but I celebrate it too… Because I never thought I could survive another loss, not after Him… Survive another loss? God, will you look at the way I talk - Forget about surviving a loss, I never thought I'd love again after Him. But I did, and I do, and I have, and I will … I love my Dear John… And God knows I always will 

Come back to me baby, please? 

8:53 pm

There's a lot I need to process, but that will have to wait until tomorrow. I'm tired. I'm so tired. I need sleep. But before I do, I need to love myself… 

Don't do anything stupid, Veronica… Don't do anything stupid, Veronica… You can't message John again. You can't. You can't.

8:59 pm

Messages:

Omg, I'm sorry... But if you're still in town, would you want to just have sex... For fun? 😅

9:00 pm

Fuck. 

Tuesday, September 16, 2025

Idk the time… (Somewhere between 5:05 am and 5:10 am)

I’m brushing my tongue, when suddenly I think back to last night… To a moment of weakness before sleep covered my eyes… “Oh fuck,” I mutter as I spit a minty load of toothpaste down my sink… 

I didn't actually send that, did I? 

Omg of course I did. 

Fuckkkkk…

I've gotta stop doing that…

5:26 am 

“... Heaven was a preacher's spot in that first church parking lot

Hangin' onto me like the cross on a rearview does

Her eyes were blue, the words were red on that half pack of cigarettes

At 17 that's what hallelujah was…” 

…

(Holy Smokes, by Bailey Zimmerman)

This song should make me think of Him,

But it doesn't, not at all.

This song makes me yearn for my chosen one, 

My one and only, 

My truest and dearest love, 

My Dear John. 

7:02 am 

An open door, 

A lit room,

Safety and joy wed in my mind -

He's here.

7:05 am

Omg… 

Am I seeing this right??

Omg…

If he has a mustache I'm gonna - 

Omg! 

…

fuckkkkkk 

…

God, why are you doing this to me baby? You know how I feel about a mustache, you were there that day, when I said what I said - “... But he plays baseball and he has a mustache!”

So tell me, did you do it for her? Or did you do it for me? … Next thing I know you’ll be joining a local team, wearing a cap, and droning on about the New York Yankees… All within earshot of me…

“You think I'm pretty without any makeup on

You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong

I know you get me, so I let my walls come down, down

Before you met me

I was alright, but things were kinda heavy

You brought me to life, now every February

You'll be my Valentine, Valentine…”

..

(Teenage Dream, by Katy Perry)

…

A memory…

“Do you have a girlfriend? Any big Valentine's Day plans?”

I couldn't hear his response fully, but this is the gist I got…

“Yeah, yeah… We’re not big on the lovey dovey traditions, but we say ‘I love you’ and stuff…”

How very sad, how very sad indeed.

My brown eyed boy.

My brown eyed boy.

7:08 am

A breezy hello… But one that lingers a little longer… And those eyes. God damn those eyes… What is he thinking about me now? I told you, I just can’t decide… 

I’m leaving, glancing back through big picture windows, one last look. How sad that is… But oh wait… What’s this?

He’s looking too, yes, he’s stealing glances too. Yes, he’s looking in my direction. We lock eyes… He smiles, and waves goodbye.

“... You say, ‘Goodbye’ and I say, ‘Hello, hello, hello’

I don't know why you say, ‘Goodbye,’ I say, ‘Hello, hello, hello’

I don't know why you say, ‘Goodbye,’ I say, ‘Hello…"

(Hello, Goodbye, by The Beatles)

9:53 am 

My heart is beating very fast. Yes, my heart is beating very fast… And there’s a lump in my throat… And there’s a pit in my stomach… And I can’t breathe… I just can’t breathe…

I hate to admit it… But I like to keep tabs on Him… I don’t really know why… Caring? Curiosity? Boredom? 

It doesn’t matter why. 

What does matter is that today, things were different. His profile picture… A girl… He sits on the edge of a king bed, arms draped around her neck… I wonder if she knows I used to ask Him to wrap His hands around my neck and squeeze…

… She leans back into Him, clutching his arms like her only salvation. She has a tattoo on her forearm, and one on her thigh. I wonder if she knows the new ink on His bicep attempts to erase a mermaid… A mermaid that kinda looks just like me…

She’s smiling. I can’t see His full expression, because he’s holding His phone up to take the photo… He looks happy… I think? His eyes are smiling… I think? 

Gosh, here I was, thinking He was stuck on me… But there he is… Stuck on her…

A few tears well up in my eyes, but they dry before they can fall. Because I really don’t care anymore.

Oh but of course that isn’t true, but for now I’ll pretend it is. So I can have peace of mind… So I can have a will to live…

I feel a very deep and painful sadness thinking about what we lost. Such a pure, rare kind of love… I think back to our school days, watching him march into the senior section of the cafeteria head held high, carrying a tray with a single slice of pizza. He would kiss the air and look at me, and I’d think, “God, there is no place I’d rather be…” He’d be wearing the baseball cap he never took off, and my girls would make jokes, saying he was probably bald… “OMG stoppp!” I would squeal, while rolling my eyes. I would pity them, thinking they’d never know a love like ours… I would watch Him eat from across the room, talking football with his bros. Trusting all the while… Trusting and knowing he’d come back at the end of the day to take me home… And on the way we’d park somewhere and climb to the backseat… Two kids pretending to be grownups… Two kids pretending to know what love was…

“... Life wasn't heavy in the back of that Chevy

Me, her, and the Holy Ghost

Somethin' 'bout us, hell of a rush

Fallin' in love, lightin' up them holy smokes…”

…

(Holy Smokes, by Bailey Zimmerman) 

Yes… I feel sadness… But I also feel very happy. I am happy for Him if He is happy, for that is all I have ever really wanted for Him. In fact, I am not just happy, I am ecstatic! I feel like running to Him, throwing my arms around Him, and congratulating Him. I would even hug His new love close, thanking her, and telling her to take good care of Him. Then I would leave them in peace and love, but not before telling his new girl I really like her ripped jeans… 

I am also happy for myself… You see, a couple of years ago, this situation would have left me suicidal and completely incapacitated. Even a year ago, I’m sure I would have been calling my therapist, asking through tears for help processing my emotions. But today, I’m OK! I’m at peace, I’m happy. I respectfully mourn the loss of what was, but I celebrate and delight in what is. 

I can’t wait to see my therapist again and tell her all about this! She is going to be so proud of me… And I’m proud of me too!

Well that’s enough of that for now, I have to get on with my day! I’m off from work today, and I’m just having a chill day at home (which is very much needed). Still, I’ve got bunches to do! Including lots of work and loving on you… But now I’m going to take a break, because Lord knows there’s too much of a good thing… Don’t worry though, I’ll be back soon! I think I’ll make some protein bites, stock up for the week ahead. I have a recipe for pumpkin ones, perfect for fall… Or maybe I want to stick with my classic cashew recipe… But do I make them vanilla, or chocolate this time? …  

… Gosh, I just can’t stop smiling to myself, because how amazing is this?! - I saw photographic evidence that He is with someone else, and yet I’m far more concerned with what kind of snack I want to make. Thank God I survived. Yes, thank God for my life. Thank God for the Good Doctor, and for the treatment that saved me. Thank God I am my own person, thank God I never had His baby… Thank God for His new girl, loving Him so… Yes, thank God for their healthy, loving bond…

Oh but wait… There’s something I forgot to tell you about His new girl… Yeah… His new girl… 

She’s blonde. 

4:55 pm 

I've been struggling mentally all afternoon… I feel so sad... So anxious, and hopeless, and sad. I just want to cry an endless river of tears…

My mind is stuck on my Dear John. Stuck like glue… Stuck like quicksand… Unbreakable and immovable, the way I wished our bond would be. But it's been almost 24 hours since I proposed sex… And he has yet to respond to me… 

Yes, I miss him so terribly, and I feel incredibly frantic worrying about his safety. I wish I could kiss him all over, and lock him away under a sheath of pink bubble wrap… 

God I don't know why I'm this way… 

… I don't think it's helping that I'm writing him a letter… It's stirring up all of my sadness like mud in the water… 

I think I might be getting my period soon too… I think I told you I got it back after a years’ long absence in April. It was regular in May, June, and July. Regular like a ticking clock… That made me so stupid happy… Too happy, I guess, because then I lost it again in August… And now maybe September too. And that makes me so sad, because I don't know what I'm doing wrong… Is it stress? Or my body rejecting me? Or God rejecting me? … Yeah, yeah… What if it is my body, or God telling me that I really can never be a mom… No, I really can never have a baby…

… But I'm just so moody lately… And I just want to cry… And I've been having bad cramps today… So maybe I am getting my period back… And maybe I can be a mom someday… Yeah, maybe someday I can have a baby…

Yeah, maybe that's it… Maybe I'm just getting my period… And maybe I will awake in the morning surrounded by rose petals in the snow… And that thought makes me feel happy. 

5:36 pm

I'm out walking on this beautiful day. A wallflower in my own life. Sad and happy at the same time. It smells like cow poop, I like the smell. Goldenrod surrounds me, blue skies are fading. I make a wave in the air with my hand and swish my hips gently side to side as the melody of Last Kiss (Taylor Swift) dances in the air around me.

I think about days past and past times… 

I think about my boys.

I think about Him and smile. Because you see, I don't have to worry about Him now. At least not so much… Because He has her. She'll be His protection now. She'll keep him safe like pink bubble wrap around priceless China. 

Now, I still have to worry about my Dear John and my brown eyed boy.

I will pray for my Dear John every night, pray God sends him an angel to be his protector, A beautiful sheath…  A nice girl to be his bubble wrap and keep him safe… Someone his mama will love… A lot more than she would have ever loved me.

And then there's my brown eyed boy. I’ve been told he’s got a girl, but I’ve also been told she isn’t very nice… She isn’t his pink bubble wrap… She is the earthquake that causes his China to break. So, I will have to keep an eye out and be alert, I will have to make sure he is safe… Until I find him another; a nice girl… A nice girl who won’t make his heart break…

Oh, all the boys I loved before… Some of which I still do… all of which I still do… 

I wonder - I wonder if they know - That there's nothing on this Earth I wouldn't do - Nothing on this Earth I wouldn’t do to keep them safe.

9:47 pm

Daily Connection 

Emotions around seeing His new profile picture… With another girl… Blonde:

Negative Emotions Processed: Shocked, hurt, helpless, trapped, uncertain, misunderstood, frantic, hurt, disappointed, sad

Positive Emotions Processed: Happy, peace, accepting, glad, joy, trust, hope, grateful, warm, caring, loving, supportive, forgiving, relaxed, calm, strong, brave, courageous, proud