9/4 - 9/7 pt2
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions. My initial emotions will often sound extreme, but that’s the BPD talking. The Borderline Diaries put those emotions out there, because we can’t understand what we can’t see. The Borderline Diaries are me talking - sorting through my emotions to get to my healthy feelings, my healthy relationships, and my healthy life.
Finding Neverland
Part II
Entry Dates
Thursday, September 4, 2025 – Sunday, September 7, 2025
Themes of the Week
My stable mood continued this week
Hypersexual, but these symptoms were softened. I was able to be in control of my own body, and process the emotions behind my desire.
Dealing with feelings of loneliness, and the effect those feelings had on my symptoms (contributing to increased sex drive).
Accepting my increased sex drive and being at peace with it (“This is OK, I am not a bad person because I have an increased sex drive”).
Accepting self-love
Validating myself vs looking for validation from others (male attention). I feel like I’ve been improving significantly in this area, and I’m really proud of myself!
Utilizing healthy vs unhealthy coping mechanisms
Thursday, September 4, 2025
12:12 am
I can't sleep.
Honestly I haven't been sleeping much at all lately. Especially these past few nights...I haven't been good about my supposed-to-be strict 9 pm - 5 am sleep and rise time schedule either…
I've been staying in bed until 5 am, but I've been going to bed later and later. I'm just not tired...My mind is full and my nights are wild...
My sex drive has been higher too...
I think if it wasn't for the medication I'd be in danger of entering a real bad high-high.
I think the medication is softening my symptoms, lessening my high...My abundant energy has been somewhat tamed, my restlessness quieted, and my sexual impulsivity paused. I still feel the shift, I feel the high trying to push in, frustrated by the barrier the medication has created...My high has been dampened.
I am relieved, but I am also sad…
I'm no longer king of the world...But I suppose my heart will go on...My heart and my life…
I just fear the low I know is coming...Even with the medication preventing its full effect, I fear I will still suffer its devastating consequences, and be left…
Going
Down,
Down,
Down,
Down…
12:27 am
Control yourself, Veronica...Go back to sleep...Don't engage...Don't respond…
But I just wanna have some fun...
That’s all I really want...Is to have some fun…
6:31 am
“Keep those eyes on me...Read me like your favorite book...Bury your nose in me, and get lost among my pages…”
But he breezes past me, leaving me with only a passing, “hello...”
“...I don't know why you say, ‘Goodbye,’ I say, ‘Hello, hello, hello’
I don't know why you say, ‘Goodbye,’ I say, ‘Hello…”
…
(Hello, Goodbye, by the Beatles)
6:35 am
I see a starving world on the TV screen in front of me. I wonder if I am to blame for all of the sorrow, pain, and evil in this world. In the past, I would have said yes. Now, I know that isn’t true. But still...I promise that with every thought, word, and action, I will try to heal humanity’s damage...I promise to spread peace, hope, joy, and love, everywhere I go.
8:42 pm
Today was a good day. The quiet kind of good...I'm afraid my mood is shifting...I'm afraid I'm…
Going
Down,
Down,
Down,
Down…
I don't know...I was just really tired today. But then again, I probably got about 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep max. I've gotta be better about that...
I also have been eating less the last few days. I don't know why really...It started off as trying to be really mindful of my eating and listening to my hunger and fullness cues. Just like my nutritionist and I talked about...But then, of course, I took it too far the past few days...Took it too far the way I take everything too far...Work and play, ups and downs, love and sex, pleasure and pain...
I've woken up starving every morning for the past week...I've experienced more hunger throughout the day, and gone to bed hungry...I need to stop this. Logically, I know my body needs food to survive. I also know I need to maintain a specific nutrition plan given my extreme level of physical activity, and in order to maintain my desired physique. If I eat too little, my metabolism will slow down...Which is the last thing I want…
Fuck. Now I'm worried I totally screwed myself up this week. And God I'm starving...It's OK, it's OK...Tomorrow is a new day and I'll make sure I get back on track. I'll go back to my regular meals and snacks, and stop trying to restrict...I'll go back to fueling my body and allowing myself to feel full and loved.
8:54 pm
Ok, now I'm really tired so I'm going to sleep, OK? I just have to do a daily connection...and I know the perfect subject...Like I told you, I'm worried my mood is shifting, but I think it's all OK...I think lack of sleep, and lack of food have led me to be very tired and feel symptoms that are similar to a depressive episode...Another thing though...I feel very sad...Let me tell you why…
My new man...I thought he wanted me...It so was nice...To feel wanted. Messaging, trying to get my attention...I didn't really engage...I pulled away...And now he is quiet...He flew away...Back to Neverland...And left me empty...In the cold hard streets of the real world…
Daily Connection
Emotions around the drop off in communication with my new man:
Negative Emotions Processed: Sad, disappointed, let down, hurt, self-blame, insecure, ugly, worthless, despair
Positive Emotions Processed: Calm, accepting, trust, relief, confident, capable, peace
9:05 pm
My head hurts. My head hurts because I'm thinking about Him, and my Dear John, and my new man, and some new-new man – Yeah, this new-new man was brought to my attention today. I was told he was asking after me, asking my age, saying I was cute, asking about where I go, who I see, what I do...He's older...20 years or so...Looking for someone to spoil...And I do love to be spoiled...Little purses...Big diamonds...A little waist...Big lips...All mine...Just give him a kiss…
But oh God, my head is splitting...My head is splitting because I'm thinking about Him, and my Dear John, and my new man, and this new-new man...And...And…
My brown eyed boy.
My brown eyed boy.
Above all else tonight, my brown eyed boy.
...
Funny, isn't it? All these lost boys are on my mind...Yet tonight I slip under my sheets alone. Cold and white, no love here, no rose petals in the snow...
And I thank God for self love...But still, I yearn for someone else's touch...How many nights in a row? God I don't know...God I don't know...
My high sex drive persists...I ask myself, “What am I looking to get out of this?” Validation? No.
...I’m looking to feel good, to feel less alone. And I need it, I need it real bad, in a way I can't describe...And now I'm thanking God for the medicine...Because I know without it, this would be a reckless, dangerous high…
Friday, September 5, 2025
5:35 am
I'm just thinking about him now...I think he got his haircut...Yeah, it looks shorter...I wonder if she asked him to. Yeah, I wonder if she made him...If she got tired of running her hands through his hair...If he was in my bed I wouldn't run through it...I'd walk through it, I'd swim through it. I'd stay in it, I'd lay in it. I’d bathe in it, I'd savor it.
6:39 am
“Sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you!”
You didn’t. I was just pretending not to see you.
He pursues conversation with me, but keeps a substantial amount of physical distance between us.
You see, he has seen my two sides, my dark and my light. He’s felt my breeze over saltwater. He’s been maimed by my caged tiger. I look at his face and see the red scars I left him with. Healing...Gradually…
Today, I am not caged. Today I am running free.
But with him, I still maintain my tiger form. Am I still splitting? Perhaps...But I also have reservations about this individual.
11:18 am
“...Let me say that since, baby, since we've been together
Ooh, loving you forever
Is what I need
Let me, be the one you come running to
I'll never be untrue…”
…
(Let’s Stay Together, by Al Green)
“This song reminds me of you and ######!”
“OMG!” I laugh, and we both sing along.
“...Why, somebody, why people break up?
Oh, then turn around and make up
I just can't see
You'd never do that to me (would you, baby?)
Just being around you is all I see…”
…
(Let’s Stay Together, by Al Green)
I’d never do that to you baby…
My brown eyed boy.
My brown eyed boy.
…
The melody plays on, surrounding me like a warm hug. Eventually though, it fades...I feel a cold sorrow wash over me...The way I feel when he walks away…
“Can we play it again?” I ask.
“Of course we can, babygirl!”
And with that, the melody starts again. A warm embrace. In my mind’s eye, I see him walking towards me. He’s smiling, and so are his eyes. I feel love. I feel trust. I feel safe. I want him to stay...
Oh please darling, oh please...
Won’t you please stay?
9:19 pm
I'm afraid I ate too much. I'm still finding my way back to my normal nutritional balance. I went extra hard at the gym this morning, and I walked 2 miles when I got home from work...Because I just had to keep on moving, you know? ...Anyways, yeah, I was even more active than usual today...
I know I didn't eat enough earlier in the day, and I think that bit me in the ass at dinner...I feel like I overate...But I think it's all OK...Because I feel hungry again now...Real hunger, hunger that's been steadily building...Thank God. Hunger is my comfort.
…
Now I know that isn't healthy, but I'm a work in progress, and I forgive myself for not being “perfectly” recovered. I see my nutritionist on Tue, and we can chat more about all of this...I was tempted to email him frantically, but I decided to hold off. I will see him soon, and I am capable of caring for myself until then.
9:26 pm
Daily Connection
There was a situation earlier today. I can't go into too much detail...Long story short, I posted a photo to Instagram, and shortly after was contacted by someone, politely requesting I take it down. Their request felt like a swat on the nose, and mentally I retreated to my fight/flight mode, tail between my legs.
You see, even post treatment, I am highly sensitive, and have the tendency to be extremely reactive and impulsive...Any perceived threat, criticism, or dislike can feel like a deadly personal attack, sounding off alarms in my head.
So there I was this morning, blood drained from my face and rushed to my heart, my red lips a shocking contrast to my corpse-like complexion. God forbid, God forbid...Sorry I just had to do that bc my OCD kicked in...“Corpse” - I don't want God to hear that comparison and take my life away...Please God, I don't want to die, I want to stay…
Anyways!
There I was this morning, frozen. I dissociated for a moment.
Negative Emotions Processed: Frantic, helpless, fear, scared, afraid, shame, embarrassed, guilt, humiliated, blamed/self-blame, sorry, hopeless
Then, I picked up the pieces. Quickly. There was no time to delay. I deleted the post, and reached out to the person who requested I do so. I apologized, explained I was unaware of the restrictions that made my post inappropriate, and assured them I would be mindful in the future. The person in question thanked me kindly, and that was that.
Sort of.
For the next hour or so, I engaged in a three-way messaging marathon with my team about the situation. One team member was involved in the original communication about taking the post down.
The three of us hashed it out...What we talked about doesn't really matter. Not for the purpose of this daily connection...But let me share a couple key messages:
“Was just reading the email. Try not to feel bad. You did nothing wrong”
You did nothing wrong
All this can also seem like "a lot" and make the head spin, but don't worry or stress over it. You're on the right track and doing it correctly. Everything is moving as it should be…”
You're on the right track
You're doing it correctly
Everything is moving as it should be
“Ledges are only there to see the view, not jumping off :)”
Enjoy the view
Don't jump
Enjoy the view
Don't jump
…
I needed my team's support in this situation. Not only in practical terms, but to help me process my emotions. And they did just that. I didn't feel dependent on them, I felt supported. Our communication felt healthy...And in the end, I was able to validate my feelings for myself, I was in control...Not completely independent, not completely dependent...Integrated...In harmony with myself and others.
Positive Emotions Processed: Peace, trust, supported, understood, grateful, hopeful, proud, capable, strong, brave, confident, self-reliant, warm, caring/cared for, relaxed
…
Now, like I told you, I can't say too much, but I'll tell you what I told my team...I’d rather be on the cover of Playboy than wear the crown.
They know.
And if it comes down to it, and I'm forced to choose, then darling, I choose you. In every world, in every time and space, in every life, darling I choose you.
They know that too.
10:36 pm
Messages:
“I'm really sorry...Do you want to just have sex? If you're ever free? I know you'll be going home soon though…”
Send.
Saturday, September 6, 2025
6:06 am
My alarm was blaring at 6 am. I shut it off and closed my eyes...Just a few more minutes. I haven't been sleeping well. I've still been staying up too late...On my phone too late...Talking to you too late.
And the dreams...I've been having really vivid dreams. They're hot, and nauseating, and colorful...Like Lisa Frank herself projectile vomited in my mind...I hate them...Reminds me of when I was on meds...Meds...The med...Could that be it? A side effect? More apparent now that we've upped the dose? I don't know...I don't know...
All I know is last night, I had a terrible dream...In my dream, I asked Mom if she thought I was getting better. She started crying and said, “No.” I was angry. I pleaded with her, talking about how my communication has been better and how I've been less irritable since starting the med. But still, Mom said, “No.” Mom said I was still sick...Always.
Wait…
Shit!
Messages…
Last night…
Oh. My. God.
I actually sent that???
…
Still, better than the other message I had drafted last night…To another… “Are you single?” … God, Veronica! - It’s none of your business! … But I want it to be… God no, I need it…
6:55 am
“I'm so mature, collected and sensible
Except when I get hit with rejection
To turn me down, well, that's just unethical
I'll turn into someone you're scared to know
…
But if you need my love
My clothes are off, I'm comin' over to your place
And if you don't need (if you don't need) my love
I didn't want your little bitch-ass anyway
Yeah, I'm a busy woman
I wouldn't let you come into my calendar any night
But if you want my kisses
I'll be your perfect Mrs. 'til the day that one of us dies…”
…
(Busy Woman, by Sabrina Carpenter)
He didn’t respond. Was I really expecting him to though?
I don’t know...I guess I’m the only one...Out of the two of us...Who still dreams of rose petals in the snow…
7:13 am
Shit. I forgot to send a follow-up...Something to cover my ass. Here it goes…
Messages:
Me:
Omg I'm so sorry...That was absolutely unhinged had a bit of a mental moment so yeah Sorry again! Take care of yourself.
8:17 am
I feel sick,
A lightweight.
Dizzy,
Hungry.
Fuck.
I don’t have time for weakness.
1 mile jog warmup,
45 min Pilates,
Completed.
Now I’m gearing up for a 45 min HIIT workout.
But heaven help me,
I'm starving.
8:19 am
Water and a chocolate protein shake make love in my belly.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
8:42 am
Messages:
Him:
Omg don’t be sorry I was just out cold last night, I don’t think it’s that unhinged . Are you ok???
…
Oh but darling...Why did you have to reply? Couldn't you just leave us how we were? When you left, when you left and I died...Immortal love left behind. Forever and always…
Love,
Your Corpse Bride
10:55 am
Messages:
Me:
Hey, I'm sorry again. And yes, I'm OK.
Just working through some things mentally (always, lol), and I can be impulsive...And I guess I'm still not over you tbh.
You didn't have to respond, but I appreciate that you did. I hope you're doing well.
10:11 pm
I just had a thought, that stopped me in my tracks:
I'm afraid I'm a bad daughter.
10:27 pm
I need sleep. I've had so much energy though. I'm restless. It's not as bad as it's been though...Again, it makes me wonder about the effectiveness of the med...Makes me wonder if there is some level of bipolar present...Makes me wonder why I care...
Anyways...Yeah, I've gotten a lot done tonight, and there have been lots of sticky notes and lists...A million thoughts going all at once...But slower, easier to process...
I need sleep.
Tomorrow I need to email my provider...Check in about my current symptoms - My high sex drive, and the increased energy and restlessness. I need help processing what's behind the increased sex drive. I really don't think it's a need for validation...Like I can validate myself, I love myself, I touch myself...But I want someone else to touch me too...I'll say it again, I'm lonely...I think part of me is just craving intimacy...Emotional, physical connection with someone. My person. I hope they exist.
Anyways, yeah, my increased sex drive. I really can't pin down a cause that would be related to an emotional processing deficit...so I'm wondering if it is bipolar creeping in...Especially since the symptoms (sex stuff and restlessness) aren't as intense as they were...Idk, I'm tired.. But I'll email my provider tomorrow, see if I can schedule an appointment this week to touch base. We need to be proactive and pay close attention to all of this kind of stuff. I want this medication trial to be a success…
Also, I have to tell my provider about the dreams...And worsening GI symptoms since I increased to 50 mg of the Lamotrigine...God...Maybe it was too good to be true...
As long as I don't gain weight.
Daily Connection
No response from my Dear John…
Positive Emotions Processed: Love, peace, content, calm, relaxed, trust, secure, self-reliant, strong, capable, forgiving
Negative Emotions Processed: Sad, hurt, uncertain, insecure, ugly, inadequate, inferior, worthless, embarrassed, distrust, shame...Anger, frustrated, mad, irritated
Sunday, September 7, 2025
5:38 pm
Four 2001 babes...
A ballerina,
An angel,
A swan,
And a poet.
One wears a white suit,
One wears a white dress,
One wears a white coat…
I Vogue for a camera, and get my picture taken...Posing pretty on a bed of pink satin.
I have no time for white’s purity.
They're not right,
And I'm not wrong.
We're just different…
But such is life,
Such is life.
And isn't it just crazy,
Where life takes us?
Who would've known…
Who ever would have known...
