9/8 - 9/10 pt1
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions. My initial emotions will often sound extreme, but that’s the BPD talking. The Borderline Diaries put those emotions out there, because we can’t understand what we can’t see. The Borderline Diaries are me talking - sorting through my emotions to get to my healthy feelings, my healthy relationships, and my healthy life.
My Brown Eyed Boy
Part I
Entry Dates
Monday, September 8, 2025 – Wednesday, September 10, 2025
Themes of the Week
This week I struggled with more fluctuations in my mood. My mood was worse at the end of the week. I felt more depressed and irritable. I even felt detached at times, and noticed anti-social tendencies in my behavior. Seeing these shifts in my mood was distressing, and led me to question, “Who/what is to blame?” Is the medication not working? Am I not doing a good enough job on my end with my emotional processing? … Or, are some mood shifts just natural, and not necessarily a sign of mental illness? No matter the case, the mood shifts I experienced this week reminded me that while medication is a supportive, and at times necessary, treatment, it is not the answer. I cannot rely on it totally… And I won’t. I am continuing to work hard to foster a healthy recovery in all other aspects of my life (my individual processing, supportive therapy, healthy relationships, and lifestyle). Long story short, recovery is not always linear… But that’s OK, neither is life.
I started noticing more antisocial personality traits pop up later in the week. At times I felt very detached, unfeeling, and cold.
Dealing with expectations vs reality
Coming to terms with losses
Feeling sadness and disappointment
Navigating what recovery looks like (mourning the loss of the ideal recovery)
Finding a place of autonomy and integration (vs unhealthy independence or dependence)
Monday, September 8, 2025
4:55 am
“... Give me a call if you ever get lonely
I'll be like one of your girls or your homies
Say what you want, and I'll keep it a secret
You get the key to my heart, and I need it
Give me a call if you ever get desperate
I'll be like one of your girls…”
…
(One Of Your Girls, by Troye Sivan)
I had a dream where he texted back.
Damn dreams,
False hope.
5:55 am
I feel good. So good. Life is good. So good.
6:55 am
Now he wears a watch, the one that she got him.
And he lives in a uniform, but not the one I first saw him in.
His heart beats for the girl with light hair and light eyes,
He worships the altar of her lilac tatted thighs.
But late in the night when no one else can see,
He gets lost in a museum of pictures -
Pictures of me.
7:55 am
“... Once you know what my love's gonna feel like
Nothing else will feel right
You can feel like
Moonbeam ice cream
Taking off your blue jeans
Dancing at the movies…”
…
(Mystical Magical, by Benson Boone)
Last night.
Lost in a sea of pink satin, I lay in my birthday suit. Lights flash above me, requesting soft smiles. Lights flash above me, saying, give me those eyes. Tension and tiredness read on my face. It's been a happy marathon, but we’ve been going all day…
The flashing lights stop, giving me a break. I’m gently told of the tension and tiredness reading on my face.
“What I want you to do is close your eyes, retreat inward, find that sensual space, think of someone… And then open wide, and give me those eyes…”
The world is put on pause for a fleeting instant in time… Long enough for me to make love in my mind… Then I do as instructed and open wide, then I do as instructed and give him those eyes…
The flashing lights resume, 3 clicks of the camera…
“We’re done! We got it!”
…
And do you know who I was thinking of? - When I closed my eyes?...
When I closed my eyes for that fleeting instant in time? … Long enough for me to make love in my mind? …
My brown eyed boy.
Oh,
My brown eyed boy.
5:14 pm
I just had a really scary thought. I’ll fill you in more later, but there’s a bit of a situation going on… Last week, I did something bad… My behavior was inappropriate…The mess I created is lingering and I am very scared. I fear being exposed, I fear losing everything… I already feel it slipping through my fingers. I feel seasick, and my head has been spinning since late this morning… Because something new happened… Something related to last week.
Someone I know cares about me has been talking me down. I trust them. I trust they will keep me safe… But as I say that, I feel I am being dependent, relying too heavily on this individual for a sense of validation and safety.
Ughhh. I don’t have time to think about this right now… / I don’t want to. No, but seriously, I don’t have time for this right now, I’ll process it more tonight.
KK, signing off now… Oh wait! I almost forgot to tell you my scary thought!
Well, I was thinking about that whole situation from last week, and feeling frantic, scared, helpless, trapped, evil, shame, guilt, and unsafe… And I was worrying to high hell about losing everything… And then I thought something I used to think every day and every night… All day and all night…
I thought, “Well, if it ever gets too bad, I can always just kill myself.”
Fuck.
I’m gonna have to process that too.
Add it to the list…
9:30 pm
Daily Connection
I thought I was safe. I thought I withdrew myself from the situation quickly enough… But today, there was a new development in the situation. My fault? Who is to blame? Anger vs shame.
In the original situation, my behavior was inappropriate (which I did not fully realize at the time). BUT it was mild… No crime was committed, no horrible scandal. As soon as I learned the full extent of the situation, I withdrew myself from it…
Despite the role I did play in this situation,I need to remind myself that I am not entirely responsible for this.
Emotions around “the situation” :
Negative Emotions Processed: Scared, trapped, helpless, hopeless, despair, guilt, shame, self-blame, self-hate, anger (self), disgust (self), afraid, unsafe, evil, worthless, ugly… Dependent/needy (on others for support and validation)
Positive Emotions Processed: Calm, capable, relaxed, forgiveness (self), peace, understanding, trust, hope
Honestly I'm still struggling with this concept, and I need to process it more. But right now, I need sleep.
And I know I also need to process my dark thought from earlier. I will. But right now, I need sleep.
And as I close my eyes, I will remind myself that life is beautiful, and I do deserve to live.
Tuesday, September 9, 2025
6:51 am
I hear a voice I love,
I feel safe.
I know he doesn't want me,
But I also know he'd never let anything bad happen to me…
Never ever,
Not a single thing.
…
I wonder what he thinks of my voice,
I hope I make him feel safe.
He knows I want him,
And I won’t let anything bad happen to him…
Never ever,
Not a single thing.
7:29 am
“There's a lot in the news lately about systemic yoga. All that means is doing what your body needs…”
My body needs you…
My body,
My mind,
My heart,
My soul…
Need you.
…
My brown eyed boy,
My brown eyed boy.
2:51 pm
“... Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought
Maybe I just wanna be yours
I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours
Wanna be yours
Wanna be yours
Wanna be yours…”
…
(I Wanna Be Yours, by Arctic Monkeys)
…
I wanna be yours,
My brown eyed boy,
My brown eyed boy.
A broken record,
Stuck on my favorite line,
Over and over,
We make love in my mind…
…
Yeah, I wanna be yours,
My brown eyed boy,
My brown eyed boy.
…
“I wanna be yours”
Gosh, the amount of men I've said that about…
Endless…
Makes me wonder…
If there's a man left for me in this life…
And that makes me sad.
… But I also feel at peace because even if I don't have a man I'll always have me.
And I like me.
Yeah… yeah…
I like me.
8:11 pm
Daily Connection
Suicide,
To murder oneself.
Gosh…
I can't think of a more tragic thing.
…
I need to process the thought I had yesterday, “I can always kill myself.” No. I can’t. Suicide is never an option. I am committed to life and recovery, always. Even if the world turns its back on me, I will never turn my back on me. And I won’t let anything bad happen to me…Never ever, not a single thing.
You know, I used to think I couldn’t kill myself because of other people. Mom and Dad, Him, even The Good Doctor. Yeah, my Good Doctor. When I first started advocating publicly, praising him and his treatment, I distinctly remember thinking to myself, “Well, I can’t kill myself now…” And look, it was a very small part of me that thought that, but still, I thought it. I feared that if I committed suicide, I would humiliate my Good Doctor and completely discredit his work. Now, I know that isn’t true. For one thing, I am not responsible for The Good Doctor or his work, he is in charge of himself, and his work speaks volumes - With or without my testimonial. More importantly though, The Good Doctor is not responsible for me. I am responsible for me, governed by myself for myself, living peacefully in a state of autonomy.
I can’t kill myself because I can’t kill myself. Not because I owe my life to anyone… Anyone but myself.
Emotions from yesterday when I had the dark thought (“I can always just kill myself”):
Suicidal ideation has historically been my go to (unhealthy) coping mechanism. Even with treatment, it’s hard to break ingrained habits. Hard, but not impossible! I can clearly identify the trigger, “the situation,” I told you about… Anyways, because of the situation, I was feeling:
Negative Emotions Processed: Hopeless, despair, trapped, scared, unsafe, evil, shame, guilt, self-blame
The suicidal ideation crept in as an attempt to self-soothe and feel safe. However, it just made me feel:
Negative Emotions Processed: Guilt, shame, sad, disappointed, let down, frustrated, angry
Now that I’ve done more processing (independently and supported) about the situation, and around the suicidal ideation that followed, I feel:
Positive Emotions Processed: Calm, capable, strong, brave, proud, forgiving (self), peace, self-reliant, understanding, trusting, hope
I still feel some shame, disappointment, and frustration over having the dark thought… But recovery is progress, not perfection. And look how far I’ve come! Plus, even people with healthy brains have dark thoughts. Theirs just aren’t as mean or as loud as mine…
Wednesday, September 10, 2025
6:38 pm
Email to my provider…
Subject: Medication Update
Hi noone ,
I just wanted to reach out to you with a medication update.
After being on the Lamotrigine for about four weeks, I started noticing more overall positive changes in my mental state. This has continued, especially with the increased (50 mg) dose.
My mood feels much more stable, and I have noticed significant improvement in the two key symptoms we've talked about (promiscuity and irritability).
Last week I felt more of a "high" mood coming on (increased sex drive). The symptoms were there, but they were dampened, and I felt more in control.
I've also noticed a significant decrease in my irritability.
I also have not had an episode since about the four week mark of being on the medication.
I feel that I have been doing a thorough job of processing my emotions while all of this has been going on.
I hope this information is helpful, and I am looking forward to discussing it more at our next appointment. I'm wondering if any of these changes are indicative of bipolar being present to some level.
I just know that overall, I feel better. Last night I told my mom, "I am in so much less pain." My brain feels less inflamed/loud, and I feel more at peace.
I truly believe that medication is not an absolute solution, and I want to continue to be very conservative in my use of it. However I do feel that it is helping me in my recovery and significantly improving my quality of life at this time.
There are a lot of emotions for me to process around all of this, given my history with medication, but I feel confident in my ability to do so.
That's all for my update, I hope you're doing well, and I will see you soon!
Thank you,
Veronica
Daily Connection
I have noticed a significant improvement in my mental state and quality of life while on the medication.
Positive Emotions Processed: Surprised, grateful, hope, glad, happy, joy, peace, accepting, secure
I’m afraid it will stop working…
Negative Emotions Processed: Scared, fear, unsafe, worry, frantic, helpless, hopeless, despair
I’m afraid people will read this (namely the white coats), and weaponize it, using it to force feed society the false narrative of, “medication is the solution.”
Negative Emotions Processed: Anger (other, self), rage (other), hate (other, self), distrust (other, self), blame (other, self), fear
I feel ashamed to be on medication. It makes me sad… I don’t “need” medication, and yet I do… At least for right now… It’s improving my quality of life… But that makes me sad… Because other people can have, “quality of life,” without it…
Negative Emotions Processed: Sad, disappointed, let down, guilt, shame, bitter, jealous, angry
But I know that no one’s life is perfect. Everyone has their own struggles, everyone has their own pain, everyone carries just a little bit of shame… Being on medication is not a failing, but rather a blessing. And as beautiful as they are, blessings can come and go… Yeah… they don’t always have to last forever… Just like I don’t have to be on medication forever. All I need to focus on is the present… And right now, medication is a beneficial addition to my recovery plan… And I am grateful for it.
Positive Emotions Processed: Grateful, peace, accepting, trust, hope, relaxed, glad, self-reliant, secure, safe, calm, capable, brave, strong, proud
6:56 pm
I'm thinking about something my aunt said to me yesterday… She said marriage isn’t all it's cracked up to be. But she also said not to lose hope.
I laughed, and told her I doubted that was something I had to worry about anyways, “I don't think I'll ever find anyone.” I said it with a smile and a laugh, but my eyes told a different story… as they so often do…
My aunt softly disagreed with me, “You will,” she said. “They won't be perfect, but they'll be someone you can talk to.”
And that got me thinking... Someone I can talk to, huh? Yeah… Yeah… That sounds really nice…
So now, I'm just thinking about all the boys I’ve loved before…
Him. I loved Him, or at least I thought I did… Yeah, I loved Him, but I couldn't talk to Him. We were just kids, young and dumb. Few words were exchanged between us during our years together. We spoke in riddles, we spoke in kisses… We spoke, but I couldn’t talk to him.
My Dear John. I wanted him, but I couldn’t talk to him. We played pretend for a few months - I think the happiest I’ve ever been. Pillow talk was our shared language, and as fun as that was, I’ll always regret it… I know there was potential for deeper conversation, but locking bodies is easier than locking minds. So, I let our bodies talk while our minds told us pretty little lies… We spoke, but I couldn't talk to him.
My brown eyed boy. Our communication is limited. Breezy hellos, waved goodbyes, and stolen glances. We speak with our eyes. Mine come alive when I hold him in my gaze…. And his search me for an answer. I know I could talk to him. I know he would speak all of my languages… Or at least most of them… And the ones he didn’t he would do his best to learn… And if he couldn’t, he would still understand… I know this to be the truth. I know because of the letter he wrote me. Yeah, we’ve never spoken, but I can talk to him.
