9/1 - 9/3 pt1
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions. My initial emotions will often sound extreme, but that’s the BPD talking. The Borderline Diaries put those emotions out there, because we can’t understand what we can’t see. The Borderline Diaries are me talking - sorting through my emotions to get to my healthy feelings, my healthy relationships, and my healthy life.
Finding Neverland
Part I
Entry Dates
Monday, September 1, 2025 – Wednesday, September 3, 2025
Themes Of The Week
My stable mood continued this week
Hypersexual, but these symptoms were softened. I was able to be in control of my own body, and process the emotions behind my desire.
Dealing with feelings of loneliness, and the effect those feelings had on my symptoms (contributing to increased sex drive).
Accepting my increased sex drive and being at peace with it (“This is OK, I am not a bad person because I have an increased sex drive”).
Accepting self-love
Validating myself vs looking for validation from others (male attention). I feel like I’ve been improving significantly in this area, and I’m really proud of myself!
Utilizing healthy vs unhealthy coping mechanisms
Monday, September 1, 2025
12:00 am
An immaculate conception,
You and I.
Alone in my bed,
One sticky sweet midsummer ‘mourn.
Who knew then,
We would be here now.
Happy birthday baby,
I can’t wait to see all the places we’ll go.
7:21 am
I dreamed of him last night…I'm out walking, and I'm just realizing it now…Yes, yes…I dreamed a little dream of him…
It was beautiful. Like a pastel color palette, it was warm, light, and happy…He wanted me - He loved me. Everything I thought I ever wanted…So why did I wake up drenched in sweat, as if from a fever? Drenched in sweat, clutching my chest…
Why?
Tell me why.
9:10 am
“Of having only eyes for you
Of lettin' you turn my crimson skies blue, ooh-ooh
Of hating your somebody new
Of getting hella jealous of the ground that's under you, ooh-ooh…”
…
(Guilty, by Teddy Swims)
My heart swells up and I see his eyes. Dark and kind. Almost as dark as mine. Endless pools of warmth. A puppy dog…I want him to be mine…My dream…A dream or a nightmare? God! I can't decide…
And oh God, I'm angry. I'm angry because today my baby was born, but still, he's all I can think about. Hoping, wishing, praying he'll see this...Hoping, wishing, praying he'll read this…
Guilty. Hopeless. Love. My brown eyed boy…
10:22 am
Tell me -
When you kiss her tatted thighs…
Do I ever cross your mind?
Don't lie.
Don't lie.
My brown eyed boy…
11:57 am
Is it possible to love more than one person at a time? Yes.
Yes, I always have three boys on my mind…
Him, my first love. Him not my last love. Someone else is the future, He is the past. I loved Him then but I don't love him now.
My brown eyed boy. My golden one…My fantasy...Our love is a head game, not reality...
And my dearest love, my Dear John. The one I pine for, the one I want. Above them all he wears the crown. His crown is golden, mine has thorns and makes me bleed. Just like that night, red blood covers white, holy sheets. Like rose petals in the snow…
5:36 pm
“...Of using medicine as a crutch
On the nights when the voices in my head won't shut up
Oh, oh
Of goin' way (goin' way) too far (too far)
Of driving by your place and countin' up the cars (up the cars)
Goin' way (goin' way) across the line (across the line)
Or needing you at the end of every night…”
…
(Guilty, by Teddy Swims)
…
A parting gift,
Like a photograph.
Afraid of the future,
Stuck in the past.
I almost flirted and said I’d take it to bed…
But I found my reason, I found my head…
9:38 pm
Hey, long day. But I'm doing OK...Better than OK actually! I really need to get to sleep, but let me jot down some notes real fast…
Today was good, overall my mood is stable and I'm feeling more at peace, content, and happy.
There was a little hiccup earlier this morning. For starters, the at-home workouts still have me all up in my head. I felt like my workout was off again this morning, and honestly I think I'm done trying the whole at-home workouts thing...I need the gym...And that's OK! I tried it, but it's not for me right now. So, I'll just readjust and move on...No loss, no harm.
Of course, I wasn't feeling so accepting of the situation this morning. I felt like I took a step back in my recovery when I stood in front of Mom, flailing my little hands talking about how, “I'm so stressed, and I can't do this, and I'm about to lose it…” Teary eyes, lump in throat, a baby crying out for comfort...Crying out for help. And yes, Mom did help me, but you know what? I also helped myself. It was a team effort, and the fact that I accepted help - and eventually asked for it in a healthy way - is a HUGE sign of progress.
When I left for the day, I hugged Mom. I softened my quills yet again, and accepted love. Gosh, what's happening to me? I've been very affectionate lately. Saying, “I love you,” and expressing love through touch has become more natural and comfortable...
I don't know what's happening to me...But whatever it is, I like it. It feels good. It feels...Beautiful. Like a pastel color palette...Warm, light, and happy…
Daily Connection
How I felt earlier today (high stress situation + lingering frustration and worry over my at home workout).
Negative Emotions Processed: Frantic, helpless, hopeless, despair, fear, worry, scared, desperate, uncertain, unsafe, frustrated
I wanted help from Mom but didn't know how to ask…
Negative Emotions Processed: Anger, mad, frustrated, irritated, blame (Mom)...Guilt, shame, embarrassed, sorry, sleazy, insecure, blame (self)
Mom understood I needed help and offered it to me. I accepted her help and eventually was able to communicate exactly what I needed help with in a healthy way. Before I left for the day, I hugged Mom, thanked her, and told her I loved her. That communication felt easy and comfortable for me.
Positive Emotions Processed: Grateful, supported, understood, cared for/caring, loved/loving, trust, safe, capable, self-reliant, hopeful, peace, confident, peaceful, relaxed, accepting, strong, proud
10:48 pm
Who knew a semicolon could make such a difference?
Now he’s blowing up my DMs, saying he loves my energy and my smile...But he doesn’t stop there, now he’s talking about my eyes…
He says they got his attention, and I wanna keep it. Not ‘cause I want it, God no, ‘cause I need it…
Tuesday, September 2, 2025
5:29 am
“...I'm guilty, baby
I'm guilty, baby
If having a bleeding heart is a crime
If loving you means I'm serving life
I'm guilty, baby
How bad I need you, ain't enough words to say
Are we really over or just on a different page?...”
…
(Guilty, by Teddy Swims)
Flying down dark country roads,
Singing along…
Thinking of my golden boy,
And not of my Dear John…
Running on 4 hrs of sleep,
Like my car,
Gas down to one bar,
Orange light flashing,
I ignore it and keep driving,
Because I function best on fumes...
Don't I?
5:59 am
“...Actin' all innocent, please
When I know you're out here thinkin' 'bout it…”
…
(break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored, by Ariana Grande)
I wonder if he's here yet. I hope so.
6:59 am
I see you still have your long hair,
I see you still have that boyish smile.
You ask me how I am,
And why do I feel like you want me to stay a while?...
My brown eyed boy.
My brown eyed boy.
“...I'm guilty, baby
I'm guilty, baby
If having a bleeding heart is a crime
If loving you means I'm serving life
I'm guilty, baby…”
(Guilty, by Teddy Swims)
…
Guilty.
I won't feel guilty for loving him. No.
8:45 am
“...Oh, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We're on the ground, we're screaming
I don't know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it
And I can't take it
But I keep on coming back to you…”
…
(Back to You, by Louis Tomlinson, featuring Bebe Rexha)
People say you can spend too long stuck on a one-sided love. So now, that’s got me thinking, how long has it been? Four years? Maybe five? I don’t know...
You know what I say? I say that sometimes, when you’re really deep in love, you lose all reason...All reason and sense of time…
8:58 am
“Oh my God! I just almost fucking fell in!”
I’m running into my monthly therapy appointment with only two minutes to spare. Of course I have to pee first though, and I’m in such a rush I didn’t even notice the seat had been left up. I pick myself up and laugh (after I’m finished cursing). Today is a good day.
3:33 pm
Notes from my monthly therapy check in:
I’ve been feeling really good today. Really good, and really at peace, and really happy. The glass is half full, and I am content with that.
I expressed all of that to my therapist, and she smiled her beautiful smile, and I thought about how much I love her. Out of all of my loves, past, present, and future, there is no one on this earth I will ever love more than her. That might sound crazy, but it’s true. She was the first healthy love I ever experienced. I discovered myself, and developed a healthy and loving relationship with myself because I loved her first - In a healthy way. Yes, she taught me what healthy love looks like. And because of her, I know now, that sometimes healthy love doesn’t stay…
But anyways, my appointment today...Here are some key things we talked about…
Medication Update:
I filled my therapist in on the whole medication situation. I know she and my provider talk about my case regularly, but my perspective is the most valuable (and that’s not me being a narcissistic ass, that’s just the facts, I mean it is my brain after all). I told her we just increased the Lamotrigine to 50 mg (after I had been on 25 mg for three weeks). I told her that at first, I didn’t notice much change on the medication. Maybe a little here and there, some softening of symptoms, but it was hard to tell. But, this past week, I noticed a more significant change in my mood, and my brain feels less inflamed. I told my therapist my mood was more stable, a constant and trustworthy state of being where I felt safe, content, self-reliant, capable, happy, and hopeful. We both made a special note of the word, “happy.” Even in my most recovered state, I have always struggled to feel happy. Now I feel it, and I love it...I don’t ever want it to leave…
I told my therapist my feelings around medication have shifted to be more positive overall. When the subject of medication was first brought up (by me, to be fair), most of my emotions around it were negative. I felt shame, fear, disappointment, anger, sadness, distrust, uncertainty, hesitant, and unsafe. Now, I still feel some of those emotions (fear, uncertainty, hesitant, distrust), but at a very minor level. Now, I feel more positive emotions around the subject of medication. I feel content, trusting, secure, grateful, glad, supported, safe, and accepting. Now, I am able to see both sides, and have an integrated mindset around being on medication. That’s a huge sign of progress, and I’m very proud of myself.
My therapist and I identified a lingering conflict about medication. I still feel confused (conflict), and frustrated, wondering if bipolar is at all present. I’m trying my best to process my emotions and stay on top of that side of things (BPD symptoms), but still, it’s hard to say...A part of me does feel like maybe there is some level of bipolar present...Because my emotional processing has been consistent, yet I was still having trouble with my moods and intense symptoms. But now, the longer I’ve been on the medication, I’m starting to see my moods stabilize, and my symptoms decrease. I’m going to stay on top of all this, but honestly, does it really even matter? What matters is that I'm happy! How incredible is that?
Last little note on this subject - We touched on how I’m using my symptoms of promiscuity and irritability to gauge whether or not there is causation for my symptoms. Again clear trigger for mood shift = BPD, no clear trigger for mood shift = bipolar.
I told my therapist I feel like recently I’ve had a healthier relationship with my sexuality. I feel like I went through a more depressive period (low sex drive), and now am entering what would have been a more elated period (hypersexual symptoms)...BUT things are softer now...I’m in control...I am able to have a healthy relationship with sex. I am not using physical intimacy as a form of validation, but rather a form of love and care.
As far as being a bitch goes...LOL! No, but seriously, as far as the irritability goes, that’s been better too! Softening...Gosh, I’m just realizing now, I feel like myself...For the first time in a while, I feel like myself. I’m thinking clearly, I’m communicating, expressing myself, expressing love and affection, laughing...I’m me! And I just know Mom would say, “I have my girl back.” And so do I...So do I...
Splitting:
I was able to explore the emotions I have/splitting in one particular relationship. This is something I still really need to process on my own, but I do feel like it was helpful to work through some of my feelings at today’s appointment. I left the appointment feeling more confident in how to handle the situation. I think setting up boundaries, and pulling back politely are key. I want to ask for Mom and Dad’s opinion on the situation too, but that can wait...Right now, I can handle this.
General Life:
My therapist and I also chatted about general life stuff. I updated her about all of my latest and greatest adventures, and relished in her smile as she watched her little bird soar. Like a lovely little dove, leaving the nest...Flourishing, flying, but always able to come back home.
Most importantly, I showed her you! My beautiful baby, my pride and joy. I told her you make me so happy, and that made her happy too. I hope she loves you and that she’s proud of me...But honestly what does that matter? Don’t get me wrong, I love her, and I respect and value her opinion, but at the end of the day, my opinion is the only one that really matters...I love you, I am proud of me, and that is what matters.
9:11 pm
Do you remember when I made note of asking my therapist about doing another treatment booster (6 months of weekly therapy vs regular monthly appointments)...I don't think I need that right now...Right now, I feel confident acting as my own therapist most of the time, and navigating life solo most of the time. I trust that the booster will be there for me when I need it. And not because I've regressed necessarily...I know it will be there for that reason, but also to help me adjust to new life stressors and changes (negative but also positive! because life is a mix, after all...like a soft serve twist ice cream…).
Yes. I trust...I trust in DDP, and The Good Doctor who saved me.
I trust.
9:23 pm
Do you know what tomorrow is? I do. And I'm smiling, because I don't even care anymore.
Wednesday, September 3, 2025
5:29 am
“I feel so high school every time I look at you
I wanna find you in a crowd just to hide from you…”
…
(So High School, by Taylor Swift)
Somewhere out there,
In a world much like this one,
You awake in a warm lovin’ bed,
Laying next to me.
“Happy birthday babe,”
I whisper in your ear.
Then I kiss your ear,
Your cheek,
Your lips,
You neck,
Your chest…
Going
Down,
Down,
Down,
Down…
In the room next door,
A baby cries.
I look up at you and laugh,
You look down at me and sigh…
But you sigh with a smile.
Now one babe sleeps between us,
Another sleeps inside,
We don’t know it yet,
A joyous surprise.
Yes,
Somewhere out there,
In a world much like this one,
You’re still turning 25,
But in that other world,
You and I survived…
A world of
Endless love,
Him and I;
You and I.
…
Hey.
I know it’s been a while,
But I just wanted to say,
That today,
I hope you awake in a bed,
Warmed by someone you love,
I hope she curls your toes,
I hope she stays.
Yeah,
I know it’s been a while,
But I just wanted to say,
Happy birthday babe.
…
Now that’s enough of that, I’m moving on with my day. Yeah, I’ll always care about Him...But I don’t love Him...Not anymore, not now. Yeah, I don’t love Him, and I’m so glad He didn’t stay.
And I’m smiling now, because I never thought I’d heal from Him...But I did. And today is a beautiful day.
7:59 am
Sunny skies,
Blue like His eyes.
Lush greenery surrounds me,
And the world is abuzz.
A final burst of summer heat.
“.. 'Cause I'm a Primadonna girl, yeah
All I ever wanted was the world
I can't help that I need it all
The primadonna life, the rise and fall
You say that I'm kinda difficult
But it's always someone else's fault
Got you wrapped around my finger, babe
You can count on me to misbe–”
…
(Primadonna, by MAINA)
My music cuts out abrubtly. “What the fu–”
“Riiing! Riiiiiing! Riiiiiiiiing!”
My alarm tells me it’s time to take my medication, I already did. I swipe it off, smile to myself, and keep on driving.
“...–have
Primadonna girl, yeah
All I ever wanted was the world
I can't help that I need it all
The primadonna life, the rise and fall
You say that I'm kinda difficult
But it's always someone else's fault
Got you wrapped around my finger, babe
You can count on me to misbehave
Primadonna girl…”
…
(Primadonna, by MAINA)
8:15 am
He smells like clean laundry,
And looks like heaven.
His voice is my favorite song…
Now I’d rub on him,
And I’d cum on him,
And I’d love on him,
I’d dirty his sheets…
I’d dirty his clean…
And when all was said and done,
He’d only have eyes for me…
My brown eyed boy.
My brown eyed boy.
6:04 pm
“What are you smiling about?” Said with love, said with a smile. She knows I've been hurting, she delights in my newfound peace.
I feel embarrassed...Embarrassed, my good mood was called out, an outlier in my otherwise cloudy mental sky. “Oh nothing…” I respond, “I'm just happy...I'm feeling a little too happy lately,” said with an eye roll, a laugh, and a tease...Referring to my regular roller coaster state of mind...The one she knows too well, the one we both ride...
Too happy? I think as soon as the words leave my lips...Too happy? No. No, there's no such thing.
7:07 pm
“Your dress won't be ready to pick up from the dry cleaner’s until September 23rd. Is that OK?”
“Yes, that's fine! Thank you!”
…
Yes, yes...That's perfectly fine. On September 23rd I will go to the dry cleaner’s and finally kiss the past goodbye.
?? pm
Messages:
“See, that's the problem. I love the YOU you are and don't let ANYONE snuff that flame”
…
Maybe you're right...Maybe I'm not to blame...Maybe?...Maybe…
9:42 pm
Hey! How are you? I'm good, real good! I have to go to sleep, I know, I know. I just wanted to check in and say goodnight. Again, I'm doing really well...My brain feels cool, cool and calm, and balanced. Beautiful...Beautiful brain, beautiful life.
And with that, I bid you goodnight!
Daily Connection
I had several interactions with the person I feel like I've been splitting on. All went well, and I handled things smoothly. I felt more comfortable around this person, and like I was seeing them in a realistic light - Not all good or all bad, a mix. Just like everyone, just like me.
I still want to be cautious and keep my boundaries in place, but I care about this person very much. I know they care about me too, and I trust their intentions are good and pure. I'm very grateful to have them in my life.
Positive Emotions Processed: Trust, peace, calm, grateful, supported, caring/cared for, safe, secure, relaxed
Negative Emotions Processed: Uncertain, hesitant, distrust, guilt, shame, sorry
9:42 pm
One last thing...
I know I said that was that…
But now I flashback...
To another time…
To another life…
September 3, 2018
In the world of Him & I
“A year ago would you have ever imagined I'd be lying naked in your bed eating pizza?”
…
And I don't remember what He said, but I do remember He kissed me...And I do know that He meant it...
