8/13 - 8/17
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions.
Love and Coca-Cola
Entry Dates
Wednesday, August 13, 2025 – Sunday, August 17, 2025
Themes of the Week
Highly symptomatic (borderline). Looking back, I believe the increase in symptoms stemmed mainly from two perceived abandonments: 1) The thought of abandoning someone 2) The thought of being abandoned. I also started taking a mood stabilizer medication, which was a very emotional decision for me.
Abandonment in relationships vs healthy endings (growth in “goodbye”)
Embedded badness (splitting on myself, viewing myself as “all bad,” inherently wrong, and evil)
Finding peace in uncertainty
Accepting my limitations
Coming to terms with harsh realities
Mourning losses
Healthy anger in relationships
Wednesday, August 13, 2025
Today I started taking Lamotrigine 25 mg.
6:32 am
I'm here
Walking
Just like a good girl
Just like I said
White sneakers pound faded black top
Heavy
Hazy
I remember
But I don't
Thank God he pushed me off...
I didn't really want him
I was just lost
Now I'm heavy
And hazy
Surrounded by cotton candy skies
But this time I'm not happy,
This time I’m not high
I'm missing him
I’m wanting him
And I kinda wanna die
Box of Marlboro cigarettes like me, cast to the side
Oh do you still think of me?
Do you still think of that holy night?
6:48 am
Mom texted me yesterday. One message of many messages, trying to temper my thunder. “God is with you."
God is with me.
But I wonder - is it really Christ who walks with me? Or is it the Anti-Christ who lives in my shadow?
8:57 am
I’m OK. I really am. I’m finding myself again - it feels good (happy, peace, love, hope, trust, strong). Today was a battle, there were tears, swarms of paranoid thoughts, and desperation. Earlier in the day, I felt very dependent and needy. I latched onto my loved ones and whined, begging for outside validation. I felt like I was lost at sea during a storm.
Today was scary, today was painful. Today was hopeful, today was beautiful.
Despite my ongoing mental storm, I had moments of clarity, like calm and quiet waters. In those moments, I had stronger emotional processing and insight. I was one with reality.
I still have a lot to process, and I will. I’m OK. I really am.
This morning I could barely shower and get myself out the door. I felt heavy, at war with my own mind and body..Tonight I showered and got myself ready for bed without even thinking about it. I feel light, at peace with my mind and body.
Thursday, August 14, 2025
7:02 am
Now he's not dark, but he's tall...And he has no accent, but still I love the way he talks...
“Veronica." “Veronica." My name is so beautiful coming from his lips.
7:19 am
“... So I'll be coasting, I'm roller-coasting
Through my emotion
I will be coasting, roller-coasting
I'm hoping that you'll come back to me…”
(Coaster, by Khalid)
7:44 pm
Man I just wanna go flex
Gold on my teeth and on my neck
(Go Flex, by Post Malone)
I’m in my happy place,
Walking among my own personal fields of gold.
I’m thinking about this past week,
A roller coaster ride…
Lost in the thrill of the chase,
Lost in the thrill of the ride.
High off the pain,
High off the blame.
I think my Dear John pulled the trigger,
Abandoning me once and for all.
Another situation that reminded me nothing lasts forever…
“... I'm no good at goodbyes
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
I'm no good at goodbyes…”
(Goodbyes, by Post Malone)
7:56 pm
“... I want this forever
Just you in the grotto
With nothin' but your nights on
Keep the fuckin' lights on
Same again tomorrow
We don't need no bottle
Purple colored lip gloss
Room at The Saguaro…”
(Drew Barrymore, by Byrce Vine)
My Dear John wasn’t the only trigger.
My baby…
I don’t know if I should have sex now,
At least not casually…
Not that I was,
Not really…
But I suppose it was nice to have the option…
I gotta stop being dumb,
I have to be careful.
I remember, “I want us to be the ones making a conscious decision of whether or not that baby is getting medication.”
But then I wonder, can I really ever have my baby?
Childbirth is a trauma physically and mentally…
And I fear it would break me
7:57 pm
Blinding sun,
Flamingo pink.
The sky is ablaze,
While my mind cools down.
Oh but I love it,
Flames in my pupils,
Fire in my eyes,
Oh I want to touch it,
I want to feel alive,
I miss my high.
Daily Connection
Today someone asked me, “Do you think the med is working?” It’s only been a couple of days, so I don’t really think it’s doing anything yet. I’m just letting it enter my system slowly and gently, as I open my mind to the idea of medication, and think about it hopefully.
I have an alarm labeled, “Medication,” set on my phone for 8 am. It’s important for me to take the med at the same time every day (within the hour). I take with breakfast, when I take all my other vitamins and supplements. I remind myself that it’s like my vitamins and supplements, a tool to help me be well - the very best version of myself. I record the exact time I take the med in my planner, where I record all of my workouts by minute, and miles walked for the week. When I do that I feel peace. I know my therapist (God love her), would analyze that to shit, but hey, it’s working for me. I am content and happy with my lifestyle, and in the end, I know my therapist would respect that.
Emotions around being on medication (day 2)
(Positive Emotions Processed) Accepting, brave, calm, capable, courageous, content, caring (self), loving (self), hope, relaxed, peace, trust, supported, self-reliant, secure, safe, proud, forgiving
(Negative Emotions Processed) Sad, disappointed, let down, uncertain, hesitant, shame, fear, anger, helpless, distrust, worry
I am mourning the loss of the ideal - the ideal that I don’t need medication. I am struggling to accept the fact that I am taking medication, because I see it as a limitation. Anger and sadness are both present. I need to process this more.
I don’t know the time…
I’m trying not to look at my phone before bed, so I don’t know the time…
But I was just thinking - I think I was born in the wrong time. I love reading historical fiction and period pieces, especially mysteries. I get lost in TV shows that feature grand old ballrooms dimly lit with flickering candles, and billowing ballgowns reminiscent of a mille-feuille pastry - decorated in brightly colored fresh fruits, and fragrant flower petals.
Yes, I think I would better suit another time. A time when the world was even just a little less on fire…But I have to believe God put me here, now, for a reason.
I think I know that reason, don’t you? - It’s you.
Friday, August 15, 2025
10:30 am
Today I feel well, and that makes me smile. I think I’ve fully recovered from my last BPD episode. It was a long one, so I’m exhausted. I still battle it out with my illness every day, but since my treatment, I’m used to winning the fight. So, the days when my illness has a stronger hold over me are brutal, because I know what it is to be well now. I’m proud of myself for continuing to survive. I emerged from my episode bloody and worn, but so grateful to be alive. I fear losing this feeling, I do not trust happiness. But I won’t worry about that right now. Because today, the sun is shining, and I am smiling, and so very in love with my life.
11:17 am
“Here babe"
She hands me a bright orange clementine and lays out a napkin. Sweet citrus erupts in my mouth, and dribbles down my lips and chin, the taste of heaven.
“I brought extra just for you”
I think about my therapist. She always smells of clementines and curl cream. Her hair is auburn, her skin is golden. She is the deepest love I have ever known. Oh my darling, you save lives. Oh my darling, you saved mine…
Yes, I love her so, but I know nothing lasts forever…Someday, we might not always be together…And that breaks my heart, but if need be I will set my love free like a dove…Because I know no matter what I will find love in this life.
I look over at my new friend. Ice blond locks frame her freshly tanned skin, and her pretty dark lashes flutter as she taps away at her phone with Barbie pink coffin nails.
She takes a bite of her clementine and I take another bite of mine. I taste the sweetness, and smile.
“Will you braid my hair?” I ask
“Of course I will, babygirl! I told you, I’ll braid your hair every day!”
And I trust that she will. Every morning. Clementines, French braids, and stories about all the boys who got away…
2:01 pm
She called me Wonder Woman, just like all the guys at the gym do. Huh, I think it's catching on...That makes me feel good.
“Wonder Woman,”
“Magic touch and magic hands,”
…Maybe I'm really not so bad…
Mom says I'm my own worst enemy, and I know she's right. Thinking about it now, I really am special. I mean look at everything I’ve accomplished in such a short amount of time.
I'm very proud of myself. I am a strong, resilient, talented, intelligent, valuable woman. And I feel no shame in saying that.
Daily Connection
Tomorrow I'm participating in a special event to raise awareness for suicide prevention. Mom and Dad are coming with me and I feel very supported, grateful, and loved.
I was hoping two other people I love very much would attend, but Dad said they can't. One of the individuals would find it too triggering, and we didn't even ask them. The other individual hasn't slept in days, and is hammered with work and life stress, so they won't be coming either.
Honestly, my initial reaction is anger and hate. Then of course I feel guilt/shame/evil for having such extreme negative emotions towards two people I love so dearly...But then I think it's all OK, and I have a right to be angry. This is very important to me and I texted them about it at least a month in advance. You're busy? Yeah, so am I. You haven't slept? I've been running on sleep deprivation for the past year. Life is kicking your ass? Welcome to the fucking club. You're triggered? Seeing as I'm the one who has battled suicidal thoughts for the past 10 years, I think I beat you on that measure too - Every. Fucking. Time.
(Negative Emotions Processed) Anger, rage, hate, disgust, mad, betrayed
(Positive Emotions Processed) Powerful, alive, good, strong, secure, safe
(Negative Emotions Processed) Guilt, shame, sleazy, sorry, embarrassed, evil
Okay, so that was more an expression of hostility than anger. Hostility is a dead end street, while anger is healthy and fosters growth in relationships. Anger is harder to accept though, because a lot of the time, it’s a cover for sadness…And who wants to feel sad?
So yes, I'm angry at these two individuals. And yes, I do feel justified in that anger, but I'm not just angry. I feel sad, disappointed, let down, hurt, abandoned, distrust, unsupported and misunderstood.
This event was very important to me, and I wanted them to be there very much, because I love them very much.
But despite my anger and sadness, there's a part of me that can see that even though they're not attending the event, they still love me.
I understand and accept their reasons for not attending, and even though I feel angry, disappointed and sad. I love and care for them as I know they care for me. This does not have to ruin our relationship.
Saturday, August 16, 2025
10:17 am
I'm driving down the highway. There's a big Coca-Cola factory to my right. I flash back to another time... A few of them as a matter of fact:
The first was last spring, a conversation with a boy I love. I don't know when I started loving him really. I felt safe with him, trusted him, and admired him...Then somewhere along the line, I started loving him. And I'll be honest, I haven't stopped.
Anyways, this boy I love. Back last spring he went on a trip. When he came back he was kinda tan, and I kinda liked it. I asked how he was, I asked about his trip. He had fun, said they visited museums and took a tour of the Coca-Cola factory.
Now the first thought I had when I heard that was, who is “they"? There are so many meanings for that word… I wondered if “they" meant her, and I wondered if she really made him happy...But not for long, because, my second thought was," You went on vacation and visited the Coca-Cola factory?!? God you are such a dork! ... And God I love you so..."
...
The second space and time my mind traveled to was not that long ago. A beautiful night in that blurred crossover between spring and summer. I was with a boy I really liked, a boy I could have loved very much, if only he had let me. It was still early in the night, but patience has never been one of my virtues. So I excused myself to the restroom, and when I emerged, my bare feet padded proudly out through the kitchenette, straight to the bedroom. He was drinking a soda, Cherry Coca-Cola. He moved in slow motion, first his eyes opened wide, like a deer caught in a hunter’s predator light. He moved the soda away from his lips at a pace like molasses as his jaw hit the floor. I locked eyes with him the entire time, never letting go, and wearing my best smile.
Flash forward 90 seconds, and he came to find me in bed. I pulled his body into mine. I kissed him hard, I kissed him long, tasting nicotine and Cherry Cocoa-Cola soda.
...
The final stop on my mental journey happened about a year ago. It might not seem like a big deal to you, but it was to me. I saw The Good Doctor outside of the office. We were at an event together. I felt uncertain, but honored. To be near to him feels like witnessing the second coming. So there I was, star struck. I felt like a silly schoolgirl in front of her crush, unsure of what to do with my hands. As I licked my teeth - praying I didn’t have a chia seed stuck between them - I watched in horror as the good doctor selected a Cocoa-Cola soda from the lunch buffet spread out before us. I was shocked. I always pegged my hero as more of a kombucha and kefir guy…But my shock wore off soon, and I chuckled to myself, thinking, “I guess even Jesus had his vices…” Our good Lord turned water into wine, and he let a prostitute wash his feet. The Good Doctor drinks Coca-Cola, and he’s devoted his life to healing the broken.
...
Funny, isn't it? So many of the men I love love Coca-Cola. I guess I do have a type after all...
Daily Connection
Mom and Dad got to meet my Good Doctor today. He was at the special event and we saw him there. Dad bent down and whispered, “Is that him?” His tone was hushed and awe-inspired, like a celebrity sighting, like seeing the King of Kings.
I told him yes, and before the day was done, I marched up to my Good Doctor with Mom and Dad.
Beforehand, I asked them not to do or say anything to embarrass me.
(Negative Emotions Processed) Guilt, shame, sleazy, evil, sorry, embarrassed
(Positive Emotions Processed) Secure, justified, capable, accepting
Part of me wanted Mom and Dad to meet my Good Doctor. I felt joy, special, loved, loving, glad, and grateful.
But, part of me didn't want them to meet him. I wanted to keep him my little secret - all mine.
I know I idealize him…I wonder if he idealizes me too. Honestly, I wonder if he ever thinks of me at all…
Having the Good Doctor meet Mom and Dad made me feel like any illusion he might have of me would be shattered, and I would become more real to him.
I want to be a mystery to him, a fantasy…Because we always love fantasy more than reality, don’t we?
But those fears softened when I said “hi” to my Good Doctor. I told him, “This is my Mom” and he shook her hand. He introduced himself by his first name, not as “Doctor,” because he is good, and he doesn't need to boast or brag.
Then I said, “this is my Dad,” and saw tears well up in Dad's eyes as he thanked my Good Doctor for his care. I looked on with love, watching the man who raised me shake hands with the man who saved me, and thinking, “God what a beautiful day…God what a beautiful life.”
(Positive Emotions Processed) Peace, warm, safe, trust, secure, love, hope, fulfilled, content
Sunday, August 17, 2025
Daily Connection
I'm afraid I ate too much at dinner. I took my time eating, 30 minutes like I'm supposed to (slowing down my eating is something my nutritionist and I work on together - to help me mentally process as I'm eating, and physically digest my food better). When I finished, I immediately got up and got a second helping. Nothing crazy, just a little more roasted broccoli and cauliflower, a small scoop of plain sweet potatoes, and a tiny piece of baked turkey. I ate my second helping quickly...I don't think I really needed it...
I felt so uncomfortable and bloated afterwards. I just knew it was too much food. I'm supposed to wait at least 20 minutes before getting more food..."Why am I like this?" I thought. And I'll be honest, I was hating on myself real bad…I was thinking I should workout even harder and longer tomorrow to make up for the extra food.
I did have a killer workout today though...Between walking and my workout I think I burned somewhere around 1,200 calories. I've been more active in general lately. Extra walks on top of workouts... Longer workouts...Movement is my medication, it keeps me sane...
Anyways, I was thinking all that, and then frantically emailing my nutritionist about an appointment because, “I'm really afraid I've been overeating lately." So long story short, I'm seeing him tomorrow evening, thank God.
As I'm writing this, I no longer feel overfull, which is a relief. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I pray I wake up starving so I know I didn't over eat.
Emotions around “overeating" - feeling overfull:
(Negative Emotions Processed) FEAR, FRANTIC, helpless, hopeless, despair, desperate, shame, guilt, ugly, evil, embarrassed, insecure, inadequate, inferior, worthless, scared, worried, unsafe.
(Positive Emotions Processed) Forgiving, calm, self-reliant, capable, accepting.
(Positive Emotions Processed) Safe, relief, hope, peace, understood, supported, grateful, caring/cared for, loving/love, trust. (communication with nutritionist, appointment tomorrow)
