8/18 - 8/19 pt1
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions.
Two’s Company and Three’s a Crowd
Entry Dates
Monday, August 18, 2025 – Tuesday, August 19, 2025
Themes of the Week
This week was painful for me. I felt stormy as I like to call it - moody, highly irritable, and on edge. I also struggled with morbid thoughts, I didn’t invite them in, but they stayed anyway. Next week (Thu 8/28), I have an appointment with my provider. I think it’s important we talk about these thoughts so I can make sure I’m processing them in a healthy way, and breaking “bad” habits (suicidal ideation as a way of coping, even passive suicidal ideation). I am 100% committed to life and recovery, and I need my emotional processing to reflect that.
Accepting my limitations
Facing harsh realities
Mourning the loss of the ideal
Guilt, shame, and self-blame (is there anger (externalized shame and self-blame) present too?)
High level of embedded badness (feeling like I am inherently wrong and evil)
Monday, August 18, 2025
9:40 am
“... Man I just wanna go flex
Gold on my teeth and on my neck…”
(Go Flex, by Post Malone)
Woman I just wanna get wet,
Gold between my legs and on my breast…
9:57 am
“... Pack of demons and the devil by her side, yeah…”
“... The grass is only greener every time she come around…”
“... And she lyin', that girl won't ever fall in love
She pretty, too pretty, and ain't nobody good enough
And she don't really gotta stress
Do whatever you wanna
‘Cause everything is perfect girl, your life is glamorama
In the life of glamorama…”
(Glamorama, by Byrce Vine)
Loving me is hell,
Being loved by me is heaven.
Tell me -
Who will come next?
On his knees begging for my blessing...
10:10 am
“... Near the ocean, near the water
Only good things, no piranha
All the good days of the views I love
Ain't never been so clear…”
(Sunflower Seeds, by Byrce Vine)
I'm smiling now, and I'm feeling good. The sun is shining, the grass is green, and today it doesn't look greener on the other side.
I really think I'm doing just fine…
This weekend I was talking to Mom about one of my friends who still lives at home with her parents.
She had to have surgery after a severe injury, and the recovery has been a long and difficult process. So yeah, she still lives at home with her parents - just like me
So now I’m just sitting here thinking that really, we’re one in the same. The only difference between her and I is that you can't see the injury to my brain...
But that doesn't make it any less real, and that doesn't make my experience or my pain any less valid.
I really think I'm doing just fine…
Actually, I'm doing better than just fine! - I really am.
You're doing it baby, you're doing it Veronica. Yeah, yeah… You're all right.
3:17 pm
“You know, I saw the…” He leaves the sentence hanging mid-air, motioning towards his own wrist miming scars that reflect my own. His words (or lack thereof), like an aborted suicide, echo in my mind. I avert my eyes and mumble some change of subject, choking down the nasty lump in my throat, and wondering why I feel as though I’m about to cry…
… Because I know you’ve seen my scars - My darling, that’s why they’re there - Not for my benefit, but yours…
4:11 pm
It's a very fine line I'm walking, and I want to walk as close as I can,
And I know he understands…
But all this talk of good girls and bad girls makes me wonder,
Which am I?
5:34 pm
God I can't fucking breathe. My chest is tight. Tears well up in my eyes, and I’ve got a nasty lump in the back of my throat. No matter how hard I swallow, it just won't go away. There's just too much going on and I don't know if I can do it all… But I've got to do it all, I’ve just got to!... Even though I feel like I’m dying…
I wanna have my cake and eat it too,
Always biting off more than I can chew…
9:00 pm
I'm BPDing
I'm not processing
I'm whining
Crying
Begging
“Help me”
“I need help”
But I'm not willing to give anything up
Fingers claw at my skull
My brain's on fire
I hear that old familiar buzz
I want it out
God I hate my brain
God fuck my brain
Dad holds me
Mom tells me I need to sleep
“All you have to do is get ready for bed”
“All you have to do is sleep”
Work
School
Writing
Work
School
Writing
More
More
More
No
No
No
Give it up
Give it up
I won't
I won't
I walked away from them
I turned my back
They abandoned me
When I'm the one who left then there
I didn't even look back
And now I hug the floor
When I could have felt their arms around me
But I don't deserve it
I don't deserve their love
9:23 pm
Daily Connection
I don't want to do this stupid fucking daily connection. I'm angry. Furious.
… At myself...
I feel like a failure because nothing's getting done. I know I'm doing too much, but I refuse to let anything go.
If I don't go back to school next week I will feel like the biggest fucking failure. Even the thought of just switching to the online class makes me feel like I can't face myself in the mirror.
God my head hurts
Fuck my head hurts
UGHHHHH FUCKKKK!!!!
I'm supposed to be processing this shit. Ok here you go GD (Good Doctor)...
Emotions around the possibility of switching to the online class / putting school on hold for this semester:
(Negative Emotions Processed) Hate (self), rage, anger, furious, guilty, shame, embarrassed, humiliated, disgust (self), insecure, inadequate, inferior, evil, worthless, sad, disappointed, let down
There. There you have it. And no GD, I don't see the other side. Not tonight… Because I don't want to.
...
GD? Are you there? I'm sorry... I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you...
Do you know what that is GD?
It's a little prayer someone taught me once upon a time. Back during the downfall of Him and I.
Gosh, I prayed that prayer so hard for Him. But it didn't matter GD, he still left me. And when He did, I just wanted to die.
But then there was you.
And you saved me. You even taught me that sometimes, there is good in, "goodbye."
... You know GD, you kinda remind me of Him. I think it's your eyes. Light, light and kind.
Anyways GD, I'm sorry for being cross. I'm sorry, please forgive me... I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, don't leave me...
If you ever did, I think I might die...
9:42 pm
I really need sleep. 9 pm to 5 am, that was the deal I made with myself. A deal with the devil.
But I was just thinking… Doing that daily connection did kind of calm me down... My brain feels a little better.
A cool breeze on a 100 degree day. Brief, but a blessing...
So I'm thinking maybe I should finish that daily connection, maybe I should try to see the other side... Ok, here it goes...
Emotions around the possibility of switching to the online class / putting school on hold for this semester (take two!):
(Positive Emotions Processed) Accepting, relief, trust, forgiving, hope, understanding, care (self), respect (self)
... Idk, that's about all I can do... And a lot of those don't feel genuine... But it's a start, and the important thing is I did integrate my emotions. Sometimes you just gotta fake it ‘til you make it.
But maybe I can do it all…
I don't have to give up school
Maybe I should call my therapist
If I scream I wonder if Mom and Dad will come running
Tell me they love me
Why did they leave me
I left them
And I blame them for it
I need to write my lists
My notes
Everything I have to do
All my different roles
I'm tired
My eyes want to close
My therapist
Help
Someone
Please
My brain hurts again
Fire
No one will want to be with me after reading this
I'm so alone
My heart breaks
My brain aches
Love me please
Somebody
Anybody
Help
Me
Love
Me
Free
Me
help
please
9:55 pm
I miss the hospital.
9:56 pm
I threw my body against the wall on my way back from the bathroom. No one came running. No one loves me.
Tuesday, August 19, 2025
1:45 am
I woke from a bad dream
Dad was sitting on my bed
His hand resting on my leg
Mom stood guard over me her hands in prayer
The three of us there like the Holy Family
Except I was not so holy
Head in my hands
Weeping and gnashing my teeth
“I will never have a normal life,” I said
“No one will ever want to marry me or be with me”
“I will never be a mom”
I glanced up at my mom hoping for some sort of reassurance
Mom did not speak
A long time passed
“I am a monster,” I said to fill the silence
“That's not true,” Mom said
But isn't it?
There is a monster living inside of me
During these episodes it takes control
I wonder if it’s the devil
I hope not
But honestly I don't know
Mom left first
I didn't want her to
But my eyes had closed
Finally exhausted by the physical blows thrown upon myself
By myself
Dad stayed there a little while longer
Keeping guard
But finally he left too
I didn't want him to
I felt abandoned and alone and scared
Scared of myself
Scared of what I might do
Scared because there is a monster here with me
Only my monster doesn’t live under the bed
My monster resides in my head
And the only way I feel I will be rid of it is if I were dead
Suicidal
Suicidal
Suicidal in a flash, and I know this has to end. I can't keep having these thoughts. I'm afraid my treatment program will kick me out. They’ll say I'm not committed to life. They’ll say this isn't the treatment for me. I can't lose them too. Oh I don't want to die, I don't want to die. I just want this pain to end.
7:10 am
“Ay
You say you hate my fucking guts
At least I finally opened up
You're right, I'm such a piece of shit
Don't know why God made me like this
You say you wish that I would die
Lowkey, girl, sometimes so do I
You're right, I'm such a piece of shit
Don't know why God made me like this (Yuh)
…
Spent all my best nights a little not sober
All of my worst days a little hungover
Woke up my dream girl and got the cold shoulder
After a three-way 'cause she was bipolar…”
(god made me like this, by angelbaby, featuring Bryce Vine)
8:27 am
I'm tearing out of the house, ready to put on my game face and pretend everything is fine. As I'm leaving, I pause and look back. Dad. I walk back to Dad, and I give him a hug, and I tell him I love him, and I tell him I'm sorry.
Not all monsters are blood hungry. Some are misunderstood. Some just want to be loved.
8:32 a.m.
“... What if I said I'm tryin' to save your love from dyin'?
Baby, I'm too far gone (oh, oh, oh)
Don't wanna see you cryin', but I just know who I am
And maybe that's the hardest part of all
Baby, you can't fix me
I was born with a broken heart…”
(Born With a Broken Heart, by Damiano David)
I just want somebody to love me.
I saw him this morning. He was wearing that deep olive green sweatshirt that makes his eyes pop and his skin glow. His hair is getting kinda long, I think he's due for a haircut. God he's so handsome, and so kind, and I just love him so much. I wonder if he'll ever really know….
I hope so. As long as he's happy, then I will be too, even if his happiness doesn't come from me.
10:06 am
“... For me, it was enough
To live for the hope of it all
Cancel plans just in case you'd call
And say you meet me behind the mall…”
(August, by Taylor Swift)
I remember.
A Sunday with a jacuzzi promise
A deserted mall where I was the only fast walker
On a mission
To find a suit
Because I don't wear underwear
I told him
Everything was closed
He said don't worry
Come as you are
Come as you are
I flew to him
I fit into him
Forget the jacuzzi
Let’s play pool
I’ll teach you
We never made it there though
We were lost in sheets
Where I didn't need any clothing
Perfect
5:51 pm
Messages to Mom and Dad:
Me:
I think I have to hold off on microbiology. I would like to still do sociology and maybe retake the TEAS exam. I don't think I can completely drop the ball on nursing esp with my situation at work.
I'm afraid sociology will be a lot too but I'm hoping it's ok...
5:54 pm
Mom:
Thumbs up, smiley face, heart!
5:59 pm
Dad:
I think that's a great compromise - same progress forward (a course is a course!) and more flexible time for you.
9:19 pm
“... Near the ocean, near the water
Only good things, no piranha
All the good days of the views I love
Ain't never been so clear…”
(Sunflower Seeds, by Byrce Vine)
I'm driving, and I'm smiling. I feel light, like cotton candy... I flashback in time... I see cotton candy skies...
Today was a good day. I look back at where I started and I'm amazed...
My moods like rapids change with the tide. Lost in the whirlpool, lost in my own mind.
But as the day trickled on, I found my way out of my mental maze. I found clarity, I found calm. Now I feel I'm processing my emotions in a healthy way, and my insight is strong.
I just pray I stay here...
I'm driving still, eating a leftover salad topped with steamed broccoli out of my lap. I'm warmed by each sloppy bite. Today I was reminded of how blessed I am in my current position. I feel grateful, supported, respected, valued, cared for, caring, loved, and loving. I feel loyal too.... Intense love and loyalty... I must tread lightly, as those feelings were once nearly the death of me.
I just pray I stay here...
11:02 pm
Daily Connection
Instead of taking microbiology in person this semester, I am going to take sociology online and consider retaking the TEAS exam. I will still be right on track with my schooling and apply to start nursing school spring / fall 2026. I will fit the other corequisite courses into my schedule based on when I start nursing school.
I trust that this is the right decision. Sociology will be a less intense course than microbiology, and taking it online will allow me to have more flexibility and breathing room in my schedule, which is something I really need right now.
I may retake the TEAS exam now as well, if my nursing advisor recommends I do so to strengthen my application.
This decision makes me feel:
(Positive Emotions Processed) Proud, capable, secure, confident, self-reliant, relief, peace, acceptance, content, hopeful, capable, calm, relaxed, glad
(Negative Emotions Processed) Embarrassed, insecure, sorry, shame, guilt, disappointed, let down, sad, inadequate, inferior, misunderstood, angry, frustrated
