8/11 - 8/12
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions.
Love and Coca-Cola
Entry Dates
Monday, August 11, 2025 – Tuesday, August 12, 2025
Themes of the Week
Highly symptomatic (borderline). Looking back, I believe the increase in symptoms stemmed mainly from two perceived abandonments: 1) The thought of abandoning someone 2) The thought of being abandoned. I also started taking a mood stabilizer medication, which was a very emotional decision for me.
Abandonment in relationships vs healthy endings (growth in “goodbye”)
Embedded badness (splitting on myself, viewing myself as “all bad,” inherently wrong, and evil)
Finding peace in uncertainty
Accepting my limitations
Coming to terms with harsh realities
Mourning losses
Healthy anger in relationships
Monday, August 11, 2025
5:25 am
“...If you love, let 'em go," it's a saying that I heard
But I don't know if it works for me
So if I see you on my street
I'll know that it was meant to be
Do you still think of me when you're under the sheets
Or does he give you everything? Yeah
And I can see it on your face
That you were happier with me
So call me when he breaks your heart next summer
Baby, I'll be waiting here
Call me when you're all fucked up, my lover
And I'll be there to lick your tears
You had to throw away our love
To find out nothing's as good as us
So call me when he breaks your heart next summer…”
(Next Summer, by Damiano David)
It was 9:16 pm last night when I texted him:
“Hey…I’m sorry if this is weird (and no pressure to respond), but I’ve been thinking of you and I hope you’re doing well.” Signed with a white heart, I surrendered myself to him.
Yet here I am now, rising with the dawn, and biting back my tears, all because he didn’t respond.
6:11 am
Pounding feet, pounding heart. I’m soaring, flying, and then suddenly, I can’t fucking breathe. Maybe it’s because of his silence…Or maybe it’s because of her noise - Who knew lilacs and virginity could be so loud?
10:00 am
I don’t care, it’s his loss…
This morning things were shaky. My mind was stormy, and my BPD symptoms spiked. There were tears and frantic texts to Mom about how, “I need help. Now.” And about how, “I can’t do this, it’s all just too much.”
No amount of outside comfort could save me. I needed to save myself, and I knew that I could. I’d done it countless times before, and I’d do it again… But still, terrible thoughts crossed my mind, “What if I can’t beat this illness? What if it kills me? - No matter how hard I fight to survive…”
But then I looked at the clock, and packed up my fear, along with my bags, and ran out the door. After all, the day had only just begun, and only God knew what was in store.
I don’t care, it’s his loss…
I walk into the back room to grab my phone. I just finished telling my girl about how he’ll never respond. My phone lights up as I pick it up, and a message flashes across the screen…
White sneakers pound cold, clinical white floors, “OMG!!! It’s him!!! He texted me!!!”
…
Oh my Dear John, why can’t I just let you be?
…
“She put my name with yellow hearts
Her favorite color like the stars
I didn't listen very hard
When she told me she was crazy from the start…”
(Yellow Hearts, by Ant Sauders)
7:52 pm
Tears, tears,
Mom and Dad's words echo in my ears,
“You are loved, we are here.”
White sneakers pound faded blacktop,
I smell his sheets,
I murmur, “Call me,”
“Please.”
I inhale lilacs,
I exhale virginity.
Silence consumes me.
7:54 pm
“Hi"
“Hi"
“Beautiful night, isn't it?"
“I know, it's gorgeous!”
I lock eyes with the dog walking faithfully beside her owner. She’s dressed up in her finest leash and muzzle… To protect me from her… Or protect her from herself… I wonder.
God my brain
My brain's on fucking fire
8:02 pm
“Hi"
“Hi"
“I finally turned my AC on and it cools right down!"
“Oohh! Hahaha"
8:05 pm
“... Traveled the world but it got me nowhere
Nothing could ever compare
A kiss, a touch, a song that made me cry
And all the drugs I've done, they never got me higher
Than the first time we met
There's nothing like the first time we met
I crashed my car, oh, baby, I was flyin'
And I talked to God, He couldn't get me higher
Than the first time we met
There's nothing like the first time, the first time we met…”
(The First Time, by Damiano David)
What's that I feel?
A smile?
Swishing hips side to side,
And I think maybe, just maybe, I'm alright.
Watching the sun melt below the horizon…
But then I'm running,
Craving speed,
Speed and sex…
No. No.
I. Am. Ok.
Tuesday, August 12, 2025
5:25 am
I dreamt the same dream all last night. Blurry messages, but I could clearly read the lines. He wrote saying he loved me, over and over again, all night…All night…
6:01 am
My brain is aflame once again,
It feels like hot lava.
It sounds like an army of crickets,
Last night…
Running through fields,
I heard them there.
But then, so did everyone else…
6:24 am
I fear the pill,
But maybe it’s time…
I fear disappointing my Good Doctor,
If I ever did, I think I would die.
I fear the white coats will mock him,
Saying I needed medication all along -
Not his therapy -
But they are all so very wrong.
His therapy saved me,
It is the cure.
The pill is an addition,
Not the answer.
Still I hate the white coats,
And I fear their judgement,
So maybe I won’t…
…
“My Good Doctor”
Mine
Am I really risking my own health and happiness for him?
Yes.
Because I love him,
And that's what love is.
...
Isn't it?
2:29 pm
Notes for my appointment with my provider:
I am going to start a trial of the medication Lamotrigine. I am starting on 25 mg. We will very, very gradually increase the dose up to 100 mg. If I see benefits at just 50 mg, we will stop there.
My provider is not convinced bipolar is present, but I have experienced enough symptoms recently for her to believe a trial of medication is appropriate.
Doing my daily connections will be key while trialling the medication. I need to keep my BPD symptoms at baseline so we get an accurate result of what the medication is doing for me.
My provider said we always focus on the negative - what medication won’t do for me (the hard word - emotional processing) - but, there is another side to that argument. I need to go into this trial period with hope, and an openness to what the medication could do for me
While I am on the medication, I will have to be very careful about birth control. While this medication is not in the X category (definitely cannot be used), for pregnancy, no medication is known to be completely safe (no studies done). My provider asked that I keep her in the conversation about my relationships, as she would want any pregnancy to be planned. She told me, “I want us to be the ones making a conscious decision of whether or not that baby is getting medication.”
“Us.”
I feel love.
4:38 pm
Frantic texts to Mom and Dad
Normalcy
This can't continue
I'm afraid
Of losing it all
Of losing security
And people's good opinions
Love
I am loved
Please don't leave me
I won't leave you
Just don't leave me
You have to be OK
Smile
Don't let anyone see the flames
But I'm not
Tears erupt
Lava
“I can't breathe"
Help me
My love,
She does
“Baby we've got you,”
“You're OK,”
“It's all OK."
“Take your time,”
“I'll be right out here.”
I trust her when she says that
And as she closes the door behind her
I let myself crumple up
A ball in the corner
Dirty floor tiles kiss my bum
Floral skirt like a parachute around me
Painted with daisies, my tears make it come to life
Robin's egg blue
I am the sky
Dirty white
You look amazing the mirror says
A fly buzzes around me
It reminds me of the bathroom in the hospital
I lost myself then
...
My girl finds me, my angel
She sits on the toilet next to me
“You're alright, you're alright"
I don't know the time
Late
Driving home
Desperate
Speeding
High
Chasing something
Running from someone
Myself
I don't know
I don't know
A fireman
I want him
But his mug is mean
He doesn't want me
Side of the road
Dark
A walk with swagger
Hit the curb
Open door
Throw myself out
Throw myself into him
Wild
A tiger
But he tames me
Shoves me off
Helpless and alone
I limp back to the car
And drive
Drive
Drive
Chasing speed
Craving sex
I need that high
I need that fucking high
Need it to survive
And I'm smiling now cause this feels so bad it feels good
Pain
Pain makes me know I'm alive
Pain is high
Pain is high
Blinding lights
Blinding smile
Music blasting
Tomorrow I'll wake up at 5 am and walk walk
Less sleep
Too late
It's ok
Tomorrow I'll wake up and be a good girl
Suicidal
Suicidal
Flashes
Fuck
If I don't stop they're going to leave me
Earlier today
The appointment with my provider
My scales
Still suicidal
1
Passive
Barely there
But enough
I need to examine my thoughts
Process
Suicidal thoughts are a habit
I need to challenge them
If I don't let go...
Maybe they'd discharge me
This isn't the treatment for you
I'd be abandoned
I can't deal with that now
I'm too tired now
Loud
Music
Blasting
Lights
Flashing
Smile
Blinding laughing
Manic
I miss my Dear John
I hear him now
And Him
Should I reach out?
I want John
I need John
Why
Why
I hear him
I see Him
I smell her
Lilacs
Virginity
I'm chasing something
I'm running from someone
I'm chasing myself
I'm running from myself
Oh God
Oh God
The devil's got me now
No matter what I do
He just won't let me be
10:34 pm
I screamed and Mom and Dad came running
What would I ever do without them
Came running and picked me up
Off the floor where I lay
Blue like the sky
Dotted with daisies
Laying there
On cold dark hardwoods
Sticking out like crime scene tape
A jumper
Or like rose petals in the snow
I wonder how often one leads to the other...
