8/4 - 8/10
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions.
Breaking the Irish Goodbye
Entry Dates
Monday, August 4, 2025 – Sunday, August 10, 2025
Themes of the Week
Highly symptomatic (borderline), distrust of others, severe splitting. Note - Splitting is also known as “black and white thinking,” or viewing situations,experiences, and people as either “all good,” or “all bad” - No in between.
Unrealistic expectations of myself
Coming to terms with harsh realities
Mourning losses
Accepting my limitations
Accepting others’ limitations
Healthy anger in relationships
Monday, August 4, 2025
9:34 pm
I had a photoshoot today, a photoshoot for you. I was stripped down and exposed. We were outside, shooting on location. We had been given permission to be there, but that didn't stop the vultures from circling. So we got what we needed and fled the scene of the crime - Just like I fled my Dear John’s bed that first and holy night.
(Negative Emotions Processed) Fear, frantic, scared, helpless, trapped, unsafe
(Positive Emotions Processed) Calm, confident, capable, secure, self-reliant, trust, powerful, safe, strong, proud
Tuesday, August 5, 2025
8:01 am
I feel frantic and apprehensive. I feel like someone is watching me. Lump in my throat, tears rain down from the invisible dark cloud in my mind. I don't want to go where I'm going, I don't want to see who I'm seeing. They are bad, I can't trust them. I believe they will be the reason for my downfall. I feel sick.
8:23 am
It's too much, it's all too much. I can't do this. I can't breathe. God help me. Someone help me.
In 4 minutes I have to be better. In 4 minutes I have to leave my insanity at the door. But oh God, oh God, how can I when there's someone hunting me???
9:08 am
Messages to Mom and Dad:
Me:
I don't feel good. My mental is very very bad. I feel like I can't breathe. I can't do this job, it's too much. Too much pressure. I feel like someone is coming to get me and I can't trust anyone. If I get famous things about me could be exposed. I've said bad things and texted bad things and I'm scared and I feel like I can't do this.
9:18 am
Dad:
Deep breaths, hon. It's ok.
If you're in a rough patch mentally, that's coloring your reactions and your feelings. You had a long day yesterday and you're tired, and that's also making things seem worse.
Everyone has been very supportive. If you're concerned about over sharing you can just dial that back a bit.
You can do it… All you can do is do your best every day. Sounds cliche, but true.
We can find ways to make your load more manageable. Everything will be ok.
9:19 am
Me:
It’s too late I’m going to be exposed and canceled and bad bad
I don’t know what to do
I can’t do this
It’s too much
It’s too much
9:21 am
Dad:
It’s never too late. If you’re carrying too much, you can set some down for a while. Can you call?
9:26 am
Mom:
I'm so sorry Hon that you are feeling this way. I agree with Dad. Take some breaths. I'm at work, but I could also talk this afternoon. Reach out to Dad.
10:25 am
Me:
I’m really not doing good I really need help I’m really scared
I’m gonna get famous and someone is going to expose me.
And I can’t do this job
10:49 am
Dad:
We're here to help, hon. It's going to be ok. If you're in a bad spot right now, that means you might be blowing up some of your concerns beyond what's really there.
Everything is in your control. If things are causing you worries, we can change them. If the possibility of being famous brings these concerns, then keep building your content but wait on launch until you're in a better place. If you've got too much on your plate, maybe do the online class instead of micro. Please, hon - believe me - it is in your power to make things better. It doesn't matter if you've been talking about microbiology - things change. It doesn't matter if you planned on September 1 - things change.
I think all of these possible changes and decisions are little goodbyes, but you know those are hard for you, and you know how to do healthy goodbyes.
You can do the job - doesn't mean you have to do it forever - but you can do it. You can do whatever you need to and want to, but not all at once, and always with the freedom to change the plan.
I love you very much.
10:59 am
Mom:
I 100% agree with Dad!!! You are brave and resilient and we love you!!!
11:00 am
Dad:
Can you reach out to (your therapist and/or provider) to let them know how you’re feeling?
6:18 pm
“... And baby, it's amazing I'm in this maze with you
I just can't crack your code
One day you screaming you love me loud
The next day you're so cold
One day you here, one day you there, one day you care
You're so unfair
Sipping from the cup till it runneth over, (uh, uh) Holy Grail…”
(Holy Grail, by Jay-Z, featuring Justin Timberlake)
I'm driving “home," but I don't know who I am or where I'm going. Out of sight, out of mind; out of body, out of time.
I know the BPD had a hold on me this morning, even while I was lost in it I knew - I suppose that's a sign of progress, that insight. But honestly, I think it makes the whole thing even more painful - To see your own insanity, but feel helpless against it.
6:32 pm
Sometimes I feel so ugly I just wanna die.
9:52 pm
I need sleep. I talked a little to Mom and Dad. I barely remembered my panicked texts to them this morning. Dad hugged me and I started to cry. He said he loved me so much, that I will find peace, and that he's sorry the journey there is so painful.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if medication is the answer. Maybe it's not bipolar. Maybe it's the borderline flaring because I'm not being intentional about processing my emotions. I told you, I've been slacking. I see my therapist tomorrow for my monthly check in. I want to talk to her about my symptoms, especially the splitting, and my highs and lows - Speaking of, those seem to have quieted... Now it's more a state of constant pain. Like a witch being burned alive.
I want to talk to her about medication too. The more I think about it, I really don't know if that's an appropriate intervention for me right now. I think I just need to process my emotions regularly and intentionally, and do my Daily Connections like my life depends on it - Because frankly, it does.
I don't want to rely on a pill to extinguish the fire I live in. I want to extinguish the fire myself, even though there's a little voice in my head, always whispering, “Kill the witch..."
I know I should do a Daily Connection now but fuck it, I'm not going to. I'm exhausted. I have to get up at 4 am. So fuck. It.
And yes, yes my Good Doctor, I am angry. Because you were supposed to save me, yet still I reside just outside the gates of hell.
Wednesday, August 6, 2025
4:44 am
I need to get back to doing my Daily Connections regularly and intentionally.
The Good Doctor did save me, but he saved me by teaching me how to save myself. It would be a disservice to me if he continued acting as my white knight. I need to slay my own dragons now… Or at least tame them. Who knows, maybe I can even befriend them…
Note:
I had my monthly check-in with my therapist today. I love her so much, and I was so excited to see her. She was my first healthy love; my greatest love - More than Him, and more than the one who is coming. Because of her I recovered from Him, and because of her I will be ready for the one who is coming.
I know I’ve been slacking with my emotional processing lately, but usually I do a decent job with it, like keeping myself clean with baby wipes. My monthly therapy appointments feel like a proper shower, hair washed, legs shaved, face mask applied, and skin drowned in body oil. A full body baptism; a hard reset.
Today I was tired, and we talked about it. I said I’ve been more symptomatic lately, and that I knew lack of sleep wasn’t helping my mental. I also said I need to be more intentional about doing my Daily Connections, and do a better job of finding balance in my life. I acknowledged needing more time for self-care.
We talked about accepting my limitations, mourning the loss of my ideal self, and anger.
We talked about adjusting my workout schedule to allow for more sleep. I made it clear I would not sacrifice the frequency or intensity of my workouts, but was willing to alter how I schedule them to allow myself more sleep. That made me feel frantic, inadequate, worthless, and scared, but also relief, accepting, hope, happy, and peace.
We talked about medication. We explored the trauma I have from my history with medication. I said I know things are different now, I trust my team of providers with my life - they did save it after all. I said the thought of going on medication now made me feel like a failure, and that I was afraid of disappointing The Good Doctor. If I was processing my emotions correctly, I shouldn’t need medication, right?... But then, I said, logically, I thought medication could be an appropriate supplemental treatment at this time. I want to confirm or deny the presence of bipolar. I want to get ahead of it if present. I want to see if medication is supportive to my ongoing recovery; an addition, not an answer.
My therapist smiled her radiant smile as I thought out loud. Eventually, she gently cut me off, asking if I could validate that for myself, and that maybe (just maybe), I already had found my answer.
I smiled back at her. I felt uncertain and hesitant, but trusting and brave. “Yes,” I said, “Yes, maybe (just maybe), I have.”
Thursday, August 7, 2025
5:24 pm
I thought I saw him standing there, out of the corner of my eye. My heart skipped a beat, like a happy child jumping rope. Yet it quickly fell when I turned my head and saw a face I did not recognize instead of his big, kind doe eyes.
5:26 pm
There he is! He is here. He is here, and I am safe and happy. My heart does double dutch, and I feel at peace.
8:19 pm
Email to my nutritionist… Subject: Sleep
Hi,
Just wanted to reach out with a little update/question.
I am planning on starting a trial of the medication Lamotrigine. I will start at, and plan on staying on, a very, very low dose. I will likely start it within the next couple of weeks. I see my provider again this Tue 8/12.
I am concerned about my body changing / weight gain, so I might want to touch base with you more frequently if you have the availability.
I'm also planning on switching up my workout schedule a little to allow myself more sleep. I have hesitated to bring this up at our appointments (because I knew it was bad), but I know I've been sleep deprived for months now.
Most M-F I get up at 4 am, and I've been getting to bed later and later (10-10:30 pm).
Weekends are “better." I get up at 6 am and get to bed at 10/10:30/11 pm.
Still, I've become increasingly aware of the severe toll the sleep deprivation is taking on my mental health. I'm very worried about not getting up at 4 am because I feel lazy and worry I'll lose my body.
But logically, I'm thinking that the lack of sleep is not only affecting my mental health, but my physical health, and that it could actually be detrimental/counterproductive to the high standards I have for my physical appearance.
I'm planning on maintaining the same workouts, but switching days up / investing in some equipment at home so I can get more sleep. I plan to get up at 5 am at the earliest instead of 4 am, and have even done some afternoon/evening workouts when it fits my schedule better + allows for more sleep.
My question/concern is, will this difference in workout times change my body/physical appearance?
Sorry for the long message, and thank you for your care! Looking forward to seeing you Mon 8/18 @ 11:40 am.
Thank you,
Veronica
9:00 pm
I felt more at peace today. I'm going to do my Daily Connection now, and then go to sleep. I'm letting myself sleep in until 5 am. I'm learning how to let go, I'm learning how to say goodbye.
So now, I will bid you goodnight. May you sleep well and may your dreams be sweet. I trust mine will be, because I love myself, and I deserve to sleep.
Daily Connection
I let myself sleep in a little and went for a walk this morning. Then, I did my normal workout after work. Turns out it felt just as good in the afternoon, maybe even better on more sleep.
Ideally, I still want to workout early AM most days. But, I am learning how to be flexible and take care of myself (my whole self). Sleep and time for self-care are just as important as my high level of physical activity for both my physical health and appearance, and mental health.
I am not alone. I have an amazing team of providers, including my nutritionist, guiding me. I trust I will be able to maintain my physical health + appearance, and the level + intensity of my workouts while adjusting my schedule to improve my sleep, mental health, and overall quality of life.
(Positive Emotions Processed) Peace, relief, happy, trust, secure, proud, self-reliant, strong, self-care, self-love, hope, content, satisfied
(Negative Emotions Processed) Uncertain, hesitant, fear, worry, scared
Friday, August 8, 2025
9:07 am
Email response from my nutritionist… Subject: Sleep
Good morning.
And I believe the change in work out times and more sleep will all work for both your physical and mental health and that it will result in positive changes in body appearance.
Take good care.
None
(Positive Emotions Processed) Relief, happy, joy, peace, glad, content, satisfied, fulfilled, hope, trust (in my nutritionist, but also myself), understood, supported, cared for, safe, respected, self-reliant, capable,
10:02 am
Email to my medical provider… Subject: Medication
Hi,
I just wanted to send you a quick update in preparation for our session this Tue 8/12 @ 12 PM.
I saw this past Wed, and we were able to do some more processing about the idea of going on medication. I have also been doing a lot of processing on the matter independently.
I have set an intention to be very conscious about my Daily Connections, as well as getting an adequate amount of sleep. I feel that these are two vital parts of my ongoing recovery that have been lacking (especially sleep).
Even with those adjustments, I think I would like to try the lowest dose of Lamotrigine at this time. I would like to confirm/deny the presence of bipolar, and get ahead of it if present. I am also curious/hopeful to see if medication would be a beneficial addition to my recovery plan just for the time being, while I adjust to life outside the sick role + so many new experiences and changes. I do not view medication as a quick fix, or "the answer," but I am open to using it as another tool in my toolbox along with #1 my independent emotional processing, supportive therapy, and lifestyle (sleep, exercise, nutrition, self-care, etc).
Looking forward to seeing you Tue and discussing more.
Have a great weekend!
Veronica
Daily Connection
I didn’t have time to write + send a couple of emails today. I felt disappointed, frantic, and frustrated, but then I realized, maybe it doesn’t all have to get done today. There is always tomorrow, and thank God for that (peace, accepting, joy, trust, hope, happy).
(Negative Emotions Processed) Disappointed, let down, sad, frustrated, annoyed, irritated, worry, fear, frantic, helpless, sorry, shame, anger (self), insecure, inadequate, inferior, worthless (minor)
(Positive Emotions Processed) Accepting, forgiving (self), peace, content, trust, hope, understanding, fulfilled, satisfied, secure, calm, capable, self-reliant, proud, strong, courageous, brave
Saturday August 9, 2025
7:33 am
I’m learning how to find balance and time for self-care in my routine. I was in bed by 9 pm last night, phone out of reach and everything. I even had time to read one chapter of the latest Pentecost and Parker mystery that had been collecting dust on my night stand. I had gotten up at 5 am instead of 4 am, but still, all of my needs were met. I walked in the morning, went to work and worked out after, met up with a friend, did some chores, made dinner, did my Daily Connection, and had time for self care… Crazy, right?! I guess maybe sometimes letting go actually leads to more freedom. So my peaceful day melted into a sweet night, and I lulled myself to sleep with the old-timey melody of murder.
3:33 pm
“I thought my heart had felt it all
I swam for miles across the ocean
Never met the shore
My eyes were closed, my highs were lows
Just gettin' drunk on pills and potions
Cravin' something more
Traveled the world but it got me nowhere
Nothing could ever compare
A kiss, a touch, a song that made me cry
And all the drugs I've done, they never got me higher
Than the first time we met
There's nothing like the first time we met
I crashed my car, oh, baby, I was flyin'
And I talked to God, He couldn't get me higher
Than the first time we met
There's nothing like the first time, the first time we met…”
(The First Time, by Damiano David)
I wonder if anyone will ever write me a song like that - a song that makes my heart do double dutch, a song that makes me forget to breathe, a song that makes me touch the clouds - like being lost in the afterglow following sex.
I don’t know the answer to that open question, but I’ve been thinking about love a lot lately. As much as I want it, I fear it. I am a recovering love addict. Love almost killed me, and I’m still learning how to love in a healthy way.
In the past, love made me weak. I felt dependent, insecure, and helpless. I do not want that in the future. I will never sacrifice my own person - my worth, independence, and ambitions - in the name of love, ever, ever again.
I want my next great love to make me stronger. I want to feel safe, and at peace. I don’t know when I’ll meet him, or what his name will be, but I can see him now in my mind’s eye. He’s tall, dark, and handsome, and I love the way he talks. He smells like a rainstorm, and smiles like a camera flash. And I don’t have to chase him, he chases me. He worships my ground, worships at my feet. Yeah, I’m done chasing boys, I want a man who deserves me.
Sunday, August 10, 2025
10:19 am
I almost didn’t say anything. I almost left without saying goodbye. Part of me wanted to hurt him, and the thought of it made me smile. It made me feel powerful, it made me feel alive. But I know that wouldn’t be right, not for him, not for me, and especially not for my recovery. So I walked up to him, and looked him in the eye, and said,
“I have to talk to you about something, we’re cool and everything, but honestly, I’m angry at you.”
He was calm and receptive, and listened as I told him why:
“Last week you said your friend has it worse than I do, that her mental illness is more severe than mine. That was not OK, and it made me feel really bad. If we both had cancer, you wouldn’t tell me her cancer was more severe than mine. Honestly, it was a fucked up thing for you to say to me. It also bothers me that you think you understand what I have been through and continue to go through each and every day. You have no idea what I go through on a daily basis just to survive.”
At first, he jumped in and cut me off, agreeing with me, and apologizing. I put my finger up, popped out my hip, and shook my head, “No, no, I need to say this now,” I said with a firm tone, steady smile, and focused eyes.
And with that, he coughed out a few more apologies, but finally quieted, and let me say my piece. Then, I allowed him his apology. It was genuine, I accepted it, and told him I appreciated him.
I told him, “We’re cool,” as I left, and wished him a good week. I meant every word. So much for an Irish Goodbye…
