7/28 - 8/3
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions.
The Outlier
Entry Dates
Monday, July 29, 2025 – Sunday, August 3, 2025
Themes of the Week
Increased borderline symptoms, highly irritable
Increased splitting and distrust of loved ones
Coming to terms with reality
Accepting my limitations
Grieving losses
Monday, July 28, 2025
8:25 pm
Mom, Dad, and I just finished eating dinner. Our power went out, so we threw a medley of leftovers together in the form of a salad: Kale, spinach, roasted broccoli and cauliflower, sauteed mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, and avocado. Dad grilled chicken to top it all off. Warm BBQ chicken thighs topping cold tangy salad; the taste of summer.
A warm and heavy breeze seasons the air, making loose tangles in my waved out hair. I watch a bumble bee land on a bright pink Petunia in front of me. I feel like molasses. I tell Mom and Dad I'm apprehensive about my appointments tomorrow. First, I'm seeing my nutritionist, because I'm afraid I've been overeating. I don't think I have been - not really - and I just saw him last week, but you can never be too careful...
After my nutritionist I'm going to see my provider to talk about medication... Again. I'm very ambivalent about the whole thing, and I truly don't know what to do. A part of me is curious, hopeful even. Maybe meds could take the edge off... Help clear extra space in my head so I can process my emotions more effectively. Just for now, a low dose, short-term, as I adjust to all of life's (wonderful, but at times very stressful) changes.
But then there's a big part of me that's terrified. Terrified of history repeating itself, of losing myself, and of the side effects - Mostly terrified of gaining weight. Like I said, I'll die, I'll just die...
But it's more than that… I don't think I really realized it until now - sitting here, talking to Mom and Dad - but it's so much more than that. Because as we're talking, suddenly I get real quiet, and without even realizing it, say, "I just worked so hard to get off meds..."
My cheeks feel wet.
Mom says, "I know. I know you did." And Dad tells me that's still the case, that nothing - not even going back on meds, will ever take that accomplishment, and all the hard work behind it away. But I'm just sitting here thinking that maybe it will...
8:42 pm
"You got a lotta nerve, don't you, baby?
I only hit the curb 'cause you made me
You're tellin' all your friends that I'm crazy
Like I'm the only one
Why'd you throw them stones if you
Had a wild hair of your own or two?
Livin' in your big glass house with a view
I thought you knew
I had some help
It ain't like I can make this kinda mess all by myself
Don't act like you ain't help me pull that bottle off the shelf
Been deep in every weekend if you couldn't tell
They say, "Teamwork makes the dream work," hell, I had some help (Help)..."
(I Had Some Help, by Post Malone, featuring Morgan Wallen)
Sky,
So beautiful I can't describe.
A watercolor of melted ice cream,
Sherbet.
No couples are out tonight,
No love is in the air.
I hold my own hand,
I swish my hips.
Dancing with myself,
Dancing down the hill.
Sickly sweet summer air makes me smile,
Because maybe everything will be just fine...
10:21 pm
I felt very happy today. I do not trust it.
Maybe meds will help...
Tuesday, July 29, 2025
1:53 pm
I'm waiting to go into my appointment. There is a man sitting next to me. He is young, but he looks old. He's wearing plaid on plaid. His arms are dotted with colorful tattoos. I like them, they remind me of the circus. I wonder who they're for, I wonder what they mean... I wonder if he would ever get one of a mermaid that kinda looks just like me...
I'm thinking he would, and honestly, I'm about to lean over and ask, but just before I do, my provider walks out and says she's ready to see me.
9:04 pm
My med management appointment didn’t make anything clearer... But I know it will eventually. I have another appointment in two weeks.
Today we talked about my ongoing recovery, and my provider educated me about medication. Right now, the decision is still mine to make. Why does that make it so much harder? Still, I'm relieved and grateful to have the autonomy to be in charge of my own health - to be in charge of my own mind and body - that's not something I will ever take for granted.
Things haven't always been this way... And I fear losing control of my own person again more than anything. Whether due to another severe spell of my mental illness, or under the misguided hand of some white coat doing their job. I fear the white coats. I fear them because they want to control me, making me pop pills like some sort of PEZ dispenser and locking me away. In my nightmares I see a room the size of a postage stamp. The walls are blinding white and padded. A straight jacket lies in the center of the floor. It says it's waiting for me. I wake up sweating, crying, and screaming out for The Good Doctor to come save me.
I trust my current provider very much. She is part of the incredible team who saved my life. But I'm still very afraid. The medication she would have me try is Lamotrigine. It doesn't have many side effects and is generally weight neutral (taking my ED into account).
I haven't been on it before... At least I don't think so. There were so many, and not all of them were recorded. Some were lost by one white coat who only took notes in a little leather journal, and asked me how much I wanted to increase my meds at each appointment. When I left her "care," Mom called every day, begging for the records to be sent to my new provider. They never were.
That's enough about the past for now. I need to remind myself that things are different this time around. I'm going to do a lot of processing about the idea of going on medication and hopefully have a decision in two weeks.
…
Here's the deal:
We know for a fact I'm borderline (BPD). BPD and bipolar have many overlapping symptoms and look very, very similar clinically. They're often confused and misdiagnosed. I have high highs, and low lows, which sounds like bipolar, but could just be the BPD. My provider said true bipolar mania is very energized and task oriented. The individual experiencing it is in a race against themselves. They love the high, they chase it, but can't remember catching it. Those witnessing someone experiencing such an episode do not recognize the person in front of them.
That made me think about my recent highs... Jack Dawson... That's what I said, didn't I? Honestly, I don't really remember. But yeah, I do remember feeling so good and so high, so good and so high... And I never wanted it to end. Wide starry eyes, pacing, notes and lists, bouncing from one activity to the next, incomplete tasks, mad ideas, racing thoughts, a throbbing need for speed and sex.
I told my provider about those recent highs, but still, it's so hard to say. So, for the next couple of weeks, I'm keeping careful track of my moods. Rather than classifying them as general "highs," and "lows," I'm going to break down daily events and my emotions around them - See if there are things that trigger my mood shifts. Clear triggers and causation for shift in my mind would be more indicative of borderline than bipolar.
I told my provider about last Thursday (was it Thursday?), when I came home and had my episode - The one where I was insisting on driving. I mean that's all I could think about - driving, speeding, flying - trying to outrun myself. And in that time, I was someone else, someone incapable of reason. I know that episode looked like some kind of frantic mania, but I've reflected a lot on it since. Earlier in the day, there was a trigger. Long story short, I was acting out after a perceived abandonment. So, there we have it, right? Clear causation. Wrong. My provider said things aren’t always that simple. Since borderline and bipolar can coexist, it's possible that the perceived abandonment triggered my BPD which then triggered a manic episode (aka bipolar). What was it my provider said? - Clear as mud. Yup, sounds about right.
So yeah, I have to think carefully. I'm talking to Mom and Dad as well as my other providers and people who love and support me. I'm going to make a careful and informed decision. It just feels like these past few months since my ER visit (back in April), it's been a constant question: borderline/bipolar? borderline/bipolar? borderline/bipolar?
Doing a trial with the medication is probably the best way to answer that question. If being on the med calms my highs and lows significantly, then, "ding, ding, ding, we have a winner!" – Bipolar is present. If not, we're back to square one: Borderline. If that's the case, the issue of me being more symptomatic is stemming from an emotional processing deficit which I would continue to address as I have been, working to process my emotions individually and in my monthly therapy sessions. There might be another option, but I'm too tired to talk about that now, I'll tell you tomorrow.
Last thought... My provider said I'm right within the age range where bipolar develops and increases in severity. She was thinking out loud kind of, saying now might be the best time to trial meds - to get ahead of it. Because if I were to have a severe manic episode, that would set a precedent, there would be no going back. I might then be forced into a position of taking more intense medications to manage a more intense disorder. It's kind of like the BPD, it was always there, and it would rear its ugly head every now and then... But once it fully erupted, like a dragon waking from slumber, there was no going back. I look at the destruction that caused, for myself, and my loved ones, and my heart breaks. No, no, I don't want to do that again... I said it today... How much more can I hurt those I love, how much more can I hurt myself, before I will give medication another chance?
(Negative Emotions Processed) Sad, guilt, shame, sorry, uncertain, hesitant, helpless, trapped, fear, scared, worry, dependent, needy
(Positive Emotions Processed) Curious, hopeful, trust, calm, capable, strong, brave, courageous, self-reliant
Wednesday, July 30, 2025
4:40 am
"Good people do bad things too
Pretend they don't know, but they do
It takes one to know your mind
You and me we are one of a kind, it's true
I like to feel my bones when they crash into my heart
I like the taste of blood when you're tearing me apart
I like to push you to the edge as long as you say you're mine
Borderline (hey)
Tonight, for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be stuck on you
Hold on 'til I'm making it right
No other love felt like you
I can't give it up in this fight
I cross my heart and hope to die
Borderline..."
(Borderline, by Tove Lo)
Remember that thing I was too tired to tell you? The other option my provider mentioned? She said maybe I would benefit from taking a break from the PHRP and DDP therapy, just for a little while. She compared it to working out, it's like only doing one exercise over and over again - at some point you're going to max out and reach your growth capacity. At that point, you'd change the exercise, change the angle you're coming from. Same logic could apply here; I might need a break from this specific form of therapy. I could do a short CBT/DBT program, give my mind a rest from DDP, then come back to it stronger.
My provider said she was just putting all the options on the table - that's not necessarily what I should do, again, it's just an option. I got very emotional when she brought it up though. Tears rushed down my cheeks before I could even process what was happening. The PHRP feels like home, the staff are my angels, and I love them with all of my heart. How could I ever leave them, even just for a little while, even if it was for the best?
(Negative Emotions Processed) Sad, uncertain, hesitant, fear, abandoned, frantic, worry, scared, desperate, needy, helpless
(Positive Emotions Processed) Cared for/caring, loved/loving, understood, trusting, safe, supported
8:39 pm
Frantic,
Insanity,
I taste it.
Wide eyes,
An animal.
My laptop,
Thank God,
I left it behind,
How could I?
I clutch it to my chest,
Letting out heavy sobs,
The weight of the past few days releasing.
I have to drive home now ,
But I see a man,
And I wonder if he'd take me for a ride...
Idk the time
“I need help and no one is helping me!"
A ball on the floor, back against the wall.
“I will help you," Mom helps me into bed. She rubs a muscle relaxer on my shoulders. Hemp. It's cool and smells like mint. It takes away the pain. I wish it would work on my brain.
10:26 pm
Messages:
"Do you think he would love me if I wasn't crazy?"
Thursday, July 31, 2025
6:36 am
"Can I call you baby?
Can you be my friend?
Can you be my lover up until the very end?
Let me show you love, oh, I don't pretend
Stick by my side even when the world is givin' in, yeah
Oh, oh, oh, don't
Don't you worry
I'll be there, whenever you want me
I need somebody who can love me at my worst
No, I'm not perfect, but I hope you see my worth
'Cause it's only you, nobody new, I put you first
And for you, girl, I swear I'd do the worst..."
(At My Worst, by Pink Sweats)
I'm starting my day with a walk in the rain. It is messy, but beautiful. So is life.
8:01 pm
Mom and I talked more tonight when I got home. We talked about balancing all of my priorities. Mom and Dad will do anything to help me, and they love me no matter what, I know that. I also know I need to carve out time for myself to breathe and enjoy life. I'm being pulled in a million different directions, because there are just so many things I want to do.
For the first 23 years of my life, I wasn't able to chase any of my dreams because of my illness. When The Good Doctor saved me, he woke me up; like sleeping beauty arising from her cursed slumber. I feel like I'm experiencing life for the first time, and like a kid in a candy store, I don't want to choose, I just want it all! - But maybe... maybe I can't... At least not all at once.
Maybe I have to pick a few of my favorite candies to munch on now and save the rest for later. I have to trust that they'll still be there, waiting for me, and that they'll taste just as sweet at a later date.
8:22 pm
One last thing... I think I'm going to do a trial on the medication. I want to confirm or deny the presence of bipolar. If bipolar is present, I want to get ahead of it. I don't plan on staying on medication forever either way, but I think this is an appropriate course of action for me at this time.
Someone I love and trust told me it's generally safe to use during pregnancy. That made me happy. One of my biggest fears is that I'll never get to be a mom. And honestly, I don't know if I should be... But hearing that this med is safe got me thinking - Maybe someday I could be a mom... Yeah, maybe someday I could have a baby. And that thought made me cry happy tears, feel cool, and smell mint. Yeah, that one thought took away the pain, just for an instant, extinguished the fire in my brain.
(Positive Emotions Processed) Hope, peace, trust, safe, happy, glad, joy, content, relaxed, strong, courageous, loving, caring, concern
(Negative Emotions Processed) Uncertain, distrust, hesitant, fear, worry, unsafe, helpless, trapped
9:07 pm
Another episode. Idk. Needy. Whining. "I need help, I need help." I wrestle with myself. Mom watches with tears in her eyes. Mom says, "You are loved. Not just by Dad and I, but by everyone you touch."
9:45 pm
I'm fine. I can do it all. All my priorities. My own health and self-care, relationships, home responsibilities, work, school in the fall, my hobbies and interests, you... I can do it all. I'm fine. I'm a good girl. Good. Just like The Good Doctor. Good.
Priorities. Priorities. Flashback. 9:07 pm. Mom sits across from me. I'm talking in circles, making no sense. I don't remember. Vision is blurry. Eyes dart around the room like a cat chasing light. Then a moment of clarity. Clear mind, clear voice, clear eyes, "The most important thing in my life is..."
And do you know what I said?
You.
Friday, August 1, 2025
10:24 pm
I got my nails done today. The same place I always go, and the same nail tech I always get. She is gentle and sweet. She does the most beautiful job and knows exactly what I like: A French dip manicure on my fingers, and a regular French pedicure on my toes. None of the fancy extras please, just painted to perfection and go.
During my appointment today, someone's phone went off next to us. Their ring tone was the minion banana song from Despicable Me. And I'm sorry, but I just couldn't help it - I burst out laughing. My lovely nail tech was filing my cuticles down, and you know what - So did she. So, the two of us sat there, laughing our asses off, warmed by the sun streaming in through the big picture windows, and warmed by joy. We may not speak the same language, but laughter is a universal language that needs no explanation... So is love.
(Positive Emotions Processed) Love, joy, warm, happy, grateful, caring/cared for, humorous, amused, understood, safe, peace, relaxed, calm, good, glad, acceptance, peace
(Negative Emotions Processed) Sad, worry, fear (I don't want to ever lose my nail tech, or have to say goodbye. I care about her very much, I love her really... And when I love someone, I never want them to go...)
Saturday, August 2, 2025
9:57 pm
I'm afraid I ate too much today. I have such a hard time monitoring my hunger and fullness. It's a constant worry. Thank God for my nutritionist, I love him. We've been together for 10 years, Him and I... He diagnosed me with anorexia when I was 14 and we've been together ever since.
Anyways, yeah, I'm afraid I ate too much. I've had a higher hunger level lately, but I always question it and have a hard time honoring it. I went for a walk after dinner just to help put my mind at ease. It was a beautiful night, and I was happy to feel the fresh August air fill my lungs. I worked out this morning - of fucking course - but I like to double up and walk as well whenever I can. When I got home I felt hungry, so I had a small extra helping of roasted brussel sprouts from dinner. I'm really worried about it now, and feeling guilty... But maybe it's ok... I'm honestly still feeling hungry which relaxes my nerves... I just pray I wake up starving, so I know I didn't over eat...
Gosh, and all this food stress isn't even bc I'm on the medication... Yet... Idk, maybe I shouldn't go on the med? Help me.
(Negative Emotions Processed) Uncertain, hesitant, guilt, shame, sorry, ugly, embarrassed, fear, worry, scared, frantic, helpless, worthless, unsafe
(Positive Emotions Processed) Peace, accepting, trust, forgiving (self), caring (self), loving (self), hopeful, relaxed, calm, capable, secure, safe, proud, brave, courageous
10:29 pm
It’s Saturday night,
I am alive.
I see a beautiful face on my screen.
And he rolls his “Rs,”
And tells jokes for a living,
But in my dreams,
He only laughs for me.
Sunday, August 3, 2025
8:56 pm
I felt very stormy today, but I weathered it well. I’m still uncertain about going on medication. I know I need to do a better job of processing my emotions – I’ve been slacking on my therapy journaling lately. Maybe that’s the real issue. Maybe I don’t need meds… “Maybe, maybe,” – For once, I wish life would be clear.
(Negative Emotions Processed) Frustrated, exasperated, angry, bitter, distrust, uncertain, hesitant, helpless, trapped, worry, fear, sad, unsafe
(Positive Emotions Processed) Capable, calm, relaxed, self-reliant, secure, safe, strong, proud, brave, courageous, accepting, trust, hope
9:33 pm
I just finished doing my therapy journal/daily connection, I'm going to be much more intentional with it, see if that helps my mental state - I know it will. I trust the DDP therapy and The Good Doctor who created it.
…
But just now, I had the most terrifying thought. And I won't lie to you, it's one that's crossed my mind many times before. What if it stops working? - The DDP therapy.
This is brand new. Only about 800 people in the entire world have received this life-saving treatment, and I'm one of them. But what if it stops working? We're like the first ever chemo patients... Part of a trial, an experiment... And what if it doesn't work?
...
Worse than that, what if I'm just an outlier, a dark taint on the treatment's otherwise spotless success record? Yes, yes, what if I am too bad? Too bad - Even for The Good Doctor?
