7/21 - 7/27
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions.
Pretty Girls Don't Cry
Entry Dates
Monday, July 14, 2025 – Sunday, July 20, 2025
Themes of the Week
Borderline episode, increased anxiety and depression
Coming to terms with reality
Anger vs sadness
Grieving losses
Feeling content
Monday, July 21, 2025
4:44 am
"It's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do
Hey, baby, I think I wanna marry you
Is it the look in your eyes, or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares, baby? I think I wanna marry you..."
(Marry You, Bruno Mars)
I wonder if I’ll ever get married. Honestly, I don’t know... But if I ever do find my match, I don’t want a big wedding. I want to run off and elope in a suffocatingly tight, barely there, white mini dress, paired with sky high heels, and a cathedral length veil. We’ll go to Vegas or some shit, find a hopeless chapel that could use a smile, say our, “I dos,” then we'll paint the town red. And when I wake up in the morning - still in his arms - I will know exactly who I am, and I will know exactly what I have done.
(Negative Emotions Processed) Empty, alone, lonely, helpless, worried, sad
(Positive Emotions Processed) Hope, joy, eager, excited, peace, acceptance, trust
4:13 pm
Dad's been out working in the sun all day, so I'm bringing him a snack. Banana slices and blueberries, peanut butter measured with love rather than a tablespoon, and a stack of saltine crackers just because. I fill Dad's water bottle with lemon + lime electrolytes and leave his little snack in the shade for him. It's not much, but he raves about it. And I just feel so happy, so happy to care for him, as he has cared for me all these years.
Of all the men in all the world, there is no better man than my father.
(Positive Emotions Processed) Caring/cared for, loving/loved, warm, joy, happy, trust, safe, proud, glad, grateful, strong, capable, self-reliant
(Negative Emotions Processed) Sad, worry, guilt, sorry
Tuesday, July 22, 2025
6:38 pm
"Oh, it's just me, myself and I
Solo ride until I die
'Cause I got me for life
(Got me for life, yeah)
Oh I don't need a hand to hold
Even when the night is cold
I got that fire in my soul..."
("Me, Myself & I," G-Eazy, featuring Bebe Rexha)
I'm driving home. Windows down, music cranked loud. Sleepy summer sidewalks painted with ice cream drippings are alarmed by my noise. So is the couple walking them. They're holding hands, and they glare at me as I drive by. I slow my roll, I meet their gaze, and I turn my music up higher.
"... Like ba-ba-ba-ba-da-ba
Ba-ba-ba-da-ba (Yee!)
Ba-ba-ba-ba-da-ba
Ba-ba-ba-da-ba
Ba-ba-ba-ba-da-ba
Ba-ba-ba-da-ba
'Cause the music fills me good and it gets me every time..."
("Me, Myself & I," G-Eazy, featuring Bebe Rexha)
8:47 pm
I've been more anxious lately. I've also noticed a slight increase in some of my BPD symptoms, namely paranoid thoughts and splitting.
Lately there have been more times where I feel like walls are closing in on me, like someone is watching me and coming to get me, or just like something terrible is going to happen - Something that will take away all the beautiful things that have come into my life since I got better.
I've been watching people I love through shifty eyes, waiting for them to attack... Questioning my love for them, and questioning if they truly love me back...
So, what's going on here? With BPD, I have a more difficult time processing my emotions in general, and anxiety is really just unprocessed emotions - I learned that in my therapy. I know what I have to do to feel better, process my emotions.
I will... And I am - Constantly. In each interaction I experience throughout my day, I'm connecting with my emotions, or at least trying to... Hey, I'm not always perfect, but maybe that's OK. And you know what? - I'm proud of myself today!
(Positive Emotions Processed) Proud, capable, trust, secure, safe, strong, self reliant, calm, relaxed, hopeful, caring (self), loving (self)
(Negative Emotions Processed) Uncertain, hesitant, distrust, fear, worry, scared, frantic, helpless, sad
Wednesday, July 23, 2025
7:59 am
I love my life.
9:17 pm
I'm feeling rough; paranoid and on edge. I feel eyes on me... I'm being Hunted.
(Negative Emotions Processed) Fear, frantic, scared, helpless, trapped, desperate, hate, jealous, bitter, distrust
It's just in your head Veronica, it's just in your head Veronica...
(Positive Emotions Processed) Calm, capable, self-reliant, hope
9:23 pm
He's watching me.
Thursday, July 24, 2025
8:58 am
What I said: "My mental is really bad. I feel like I just wanna die..."
What I meant: "Please help me. Please comfort me. Please love me. Please tell me everything is going to be OK..."
6:23 pm
I'm laying on the floor of my bedroom. I find comfort in the cold hardwoods. Today was a bad day. I was fighting back tears throughout it, and I will admit there were a few times when I lost that battle - When I had to briefly shut myself in the bathroom, stare myself down in the mirror, and gently dab away my tears with a wad of crumpled up toilet paper. "Get a grip, Veronica, pretty girls don't cry."
But that doesn't matter anymore - I'm home now. Home where I am safe, home where I don't have to be pretty. So I let the tears flow, and I try to convince myself tomorrow will be better.
9:39 pm
It's a blur... But here's what I remember…
It was 7:27 pm. I was angry, and the weight of my bad day felt like too much to bear. I was making a salad, and snapped in an instant, throwing an empty plastic container of cherry tomatoes across the floor. When that didn't satisfy my itch to destroy, I kicked a kitchen cupboard several times before finally giving up... Because even that wasn't enough... I needed more. Too much energy, too much noise. I needed a high, something, anything to give me that.
Frantically pacing, head in hands, I ran up to Mom, "I gotta get the fuck outta here! I have to go! I have to go now! I'm going for a drive!"
Yeah, yeah, that's what I need... A drive, a drive... Rolled down windows, blasting music, speed...
Mom handled me with caution. Slow and gentle movements, wide eyes. Like a zoo keeper backing away from a ravenous tiger... Ravenous? No, no, not ravenous... Misunderstood, scared, helpless, trapped, lonely...
Mom pleaded with me, suggesting a walk instead, it would offer movement... Allow me to clear my head.
Then something happens and she's asking me to drive slow…
Then I don't remember anything for some time...
I remember Mom and Dad sitting across from me at the kitchen table. I tasted tears. I wanted to lie on the cold, hard floor, but I was too tired to move. Too tired... But too much energy at the same time... So much... And I need to use it. A drive, a drive. I want to go for a drive... Mom and Dad are saying something about how one bad day isn't a reason to throw in the towel & try to leave before I get left - That it's all in my head - Is it all in my head?? Mom and Dad say I'm too hard on myself. They say look at everything I'm doing. Dad apologizes for not sounding patient. I want to throw something and kick my feet and scream like a toddler. The terrible 2s? Try the terrible 20s...
I think Dad hates me, but then he's talking about how proud he is, and I don't know, I'm so confused and tired and I don't know where I am so I yell out,
"STOP!"
"PLEASE STOP"
"MAKE IT STOP"
Head in hands, sobbing, covered in snot, tasting it too. Mascara stains my skin. I guess pretty girls cry too...
I hide my face, I hold my head...
"It's too loud!!!"
"I need to go!!!" … "I need to go right now..."
Dad's on his knees, Dad's holding me, saying he's sorry, that he made it worse,
"Hush, hush, it's OK, it's OK."
Trying to soothe his sobbing baby - I wonder if he knew - The first time he held me and wiped away my tears... That we'd be in the same place, even after all these years...
"We can go for a drive, I'll take you, I'll take you, just let me change"
Dad's eyes plead with mine.
Mom says just the other day I said I was so happy. I say that doesn't sound like me.
Mom says she can feel my moods change. Just the other day she had her daughter back, engaged, talking and laughing... Then she lost me again... I wonder what that feels like...
Dad says he says he loves me again, and that he's so proud. That someday soon I'll overcome these ups and downs. And just like before I make a wave with my hand, showing Dad my moods. Dad knows. Mom knows too.
Dad's eyes are full and his voice trembles, he promises me we'll find a way.
I tell Mom and Dad I think I might need to go on medication again. I'm traumatized from my past experience with medication, I'm scared. I cry. I see my provider this coming Tue to talk about going on meds. A small dose of something to help stabilize my mood so I can process my emotions more effectively. Whether it's the BPD or bipolar, or both, the treatment really is the same for me at this point... And either way, meds could help - an additional treatment to support my continued recovery along with my independent emotional processing, monthly therapy check-ins, and lifestyle (diet, exercise, time for self-care and rest - severely lacking as of late... Perhaps part of the issue...). Yeah, meds could help. But I'm terrified. Terrified of the side effects too... I can't gain weight; I'll die if I do...
But maybe, maybe I do need meds... I tell that to Mom and Dad. They say it would be different this time. Dad says it's not a "need" either... I would be trying them to see if they add anything to my quality of life, and if they don’t, I can stop. An add, not an absolute.
I tell Mom and Dad I am in so much pain. Their words of comfort are gunshots in a room on fire.
"It's so loud"
"Outside? Or in your head?"
"My head."
…
Then nothing...
And now, I’m out on a walk. 3 miles. Alone. Mom and Dad let me.
You put me on a pedestal and tell me I'm the best
Raise me up into the sky until I'm short of breath (yeah)
Fill me up with confidence, I say what's in my chest
Spill my words and tear me down until there's nothing left
Rearrange the pieces just to fit me with the rest, yeah
But what if I, what if I trip?
What if I, what if I fall?
Then am I the monster?
Just let me know
And what if I, what if I sin?
And what if I, what if I break? Yeah
Then am I the monster? Yeah
Just let me know, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(Monster, by Justin Bieber and Shawn Mendes)
I hear a bird chirp; it sounds like a cat call... I'm so lonely...
A little heard of deer run by me. I wish I could join them. I would run and run, getting lost in the rush of wind surrounding me as I galloped through endless emerald fields under cotton candy skies...
And now I want to message that boy... See what he's up to tonight...
I wonder if he'd even care if I died.
10:21 pm
I need sleep. I text Mom,
"I can't do this."
"I need help."
I suicidal. I'm sorry.
Also, I downloaded Tinder...
Friday, July 25, 2025
7:28 am
"God my fucking head!" I slam my water bottle down on the kitchen counter after filling it, watching the water spill over the edge. Head in hands. Breathe.
7:30 am
I storm out of the house to load the Subaru. Dad is outside, he already brought one of my bags out. I don't even look at him because I am filled with rage, and I know I cannot handle human interaction right now. Dad says he loves me; I can hear the sadness in his voice. I barely reply, and then I hate myself even more... I punch the steering wheel as I drive off.
7:33 am
But what if I, what if I trip?
What if I, what if I fall?
Then am I the monster?
Just let me know
And what if I, what if I sin?
And what if I, what if I break? Yeah
Then am I the monster? Yeah
Just let me know, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(Monster, by Justin Bieber and Shawn Mendes)
My brain is throbbing. It feels like a small scrap of food, being swarmed by millions of munching fire ants. I try screaming but find no relief.
12:47 pm
I’m OK. I'm coming back to baseline. This morning around 8:30 am, I turned a corner. I pulled myself out of my slump, at first by necessity, then by choice. I will not let this illness win.
That reminds me of something I said to Mom last night. In bed, surrounded by tears, "I don't want to be like this."
Mom said she knew, and that her heart breaks for me... That she and Dad don't want this for me.
And neither do I.
So no, I will not let the illness win. I am strong, and I am beating it. Every day that I stay alive, every day that I grow and thrive, I am beating it.
(Negative Emotions Processed) Sad, disappointed, let down, grief, hurting, frustrated, irritated, exasperated, helpless, hopeless
(Positive Emotions Processed) Proud, strong, trust, hopeful, capable, secure, self-reliant, calm, courageous, brave, accepting
Saturday, July 26, 2025
5:18 pm
"I think he's seeing someone else."
...
"I'm still just figuring out what I want..."
Well darling, I guess you did, didn't you? You just didn't want me.
"I heard you told your friends that I'm just not your type
If that's how you really feel, then why'd you call last night?
You say all I ever do is just control your life
But how you gonna lie like that? How you gonna lie like that? (Yeah)..."
(Lie, by NF)
Sunday, July 27, 2025
6:38 am
"As time passes, I feel so low
Searchin' for pieces, covering up the holes
I'll fight for your love, I'll fight for your soul
I'll throw all of my cares away for you
I'll be there to wait for you
Maybe you weren't the one for me
But deep down I wanted you to be
I'll still see you in my dreams..."
(Coaster, by Khalid)
I dreamt of him last night... I think I'm finally ready to let him go. Now I feel angry, but I know it will melt away. Because before I can be at peace, I will have to feel sad.
9:00 am
I text Mom,
"My head hurts so bad. It's so loud and itchy and on fire."
Help me. I know I need to comfort myself, but please help me.
10:18 am
The sky is blue, and so am I.
The sky cries, and so do I.
"... So I'll be coasting, roller-coasting
Through my emotion
I will be coasting, roller-coasting
I'm hoping that you'll come back to me..."
(Coaster, by Khalid)
7:49 pm
This weekend was good. Really good. I made a new friend, who I adore. I caught up with old friends who I adore in equal measure. I had fun – I smiled, I laughed, I loved. My life is beautiful, rare like a Van Gogh, fragrant like the season’s final rose. So, tell me then – Why am I still unhappy?
Never enough, never enough. Oh God please forgive me, it’s never enough… Why?
