7/14 - 7/20

You Take Care of You!

I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!

What is the Borderline Diary?

It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest?  Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone. 

Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions.

Rose Petals in the Snow 

Entry Dates

Monday, July 14, 2025 – Sunday, July 20, 2025

Themes of the Week

Coming to terms with my limitations

Finding peace and contentment

Building self-compassion

Acceptance and forgiveness

Monday, July 14, 2025 

8:33 am 

I place a bag of organic cherries and a bouquet of 12 plump roses sprinkled with Baby's Breath on the register. I flash the cashier my smile, and he gives me $12 off my purchase. As I walk to my car I wonder if he knows... 

3:47 pm 

“You are a beautiful woman, Veronica."

It doesn't matter how many people utter those same words... I just don't believe it – At least not fully... And I'm getting older, so I feel helpless, desperate and frantic, clinging to the autumn of my youth like a child to its mother... 

But then again, Mom once told me, “Beauty doesn't ever fade” – not even with age. So today, I will relish my youth while also accepting the honor of aging. I am surrounded by organic sweaty cherries and plump red roses, in a tub overflowing with hibiscus scented bubble bath... 

“You are a beautiful woman, Veronica." “Yes, I know.”

(Positive Emotions Processed) Beautiful, attractive, sexy, desirable, peace, safe respected, trust, relaxed, confident, cared for/caring, hope, warm, welcomes, strong, secure 

(Negative Emotions Processed) Distrust, uncertain, hesitant, helpless, anger, shame, guilt, fear, frantic, desperate 

Tuesday, July 15, 2025

10:03 pm 

I'm afraid. I'm afraid because I feel happy, and I can't bear the thought of losing it all. Things are going good… Things are going too good. So, I'm waiting, waiting with bated Baby’s Breath and faded patience - Waiting for it to all go wrong…

... And when it doesn't, I fill in the blank, beat 'em to the punch. Fuck up my own life so I know what to expect. And lately, lately I've been craving sex. And I'm so tempted, so tempted to text that boy who only ever saw me in red... "Hey baby, I know you're busy, but what if we only see each other in bed?" 

 ... 

Wednesday July 16, 2025 

9:20 pm

I'm getting my period soon. I was tired today, achy and crampy... But I soldiered on, still smiling and taking care of others, and I'm proud of myself for that. 

I feel more at baseline today - not high high, or low low... Just kinda grounded. I think that's almost scarier than being either extreme - Being in the middle... Just being... I think it feels scary because it's uncertain. 

I know my highs look like flashing lights, sound like sirens, smell like sex, taste like sin, and feel like the devil's heaven.

I know my lows look like early morning fog, sound like buzzing bees, smell like a cavity, taste like tears, and feel like Novocain.  

But my middle ground? I don't know... But I'm figuring it out... And today, it looks like sunshine, sounds like laughter, smells like clementines, tastes like a citrus cough drop, and feels like home.

 ... Gosh, I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring…

(Positive Emotions Processed) Excited, eager, alive, joy, calm, peace, secure, trust, safe, hopeful, happy, joy, confident, grateful, love, capable. competent 

(Negative Emotions Processed) Uncertain, hesitant, fear, worry, scared, helpless. frantic, desperate, distrust, dependent

Thursday July 17, 2025 

6:48 am 

"... Got no patience, conversation drivin' you up the wall
I'm imperfect, you're a goddess, no sarcasm at all
You say you're sorry, but don't know what you're sorry for, no
No point in keeping the score

You like to drink and to smoke to take away the pain
And I don't remember all of my mistakes
And every high got low with no one to blame
You're not alright, I'm not alright..."

(I'm Not Alright, Bryce Vine and Loud Luxury)

I wonder if the neighbors mind me pulling up with my music blasting so early in the morning. I hope not. I like to think they anxiously await my return each morning, a joyful alarm. Maybe one of these days I'll find them waiting for me on their open porch, with hot coffee and flaky chocolate croissants dripping with butter. They'll tell me to crank the music, and I will reply with a smirk and simple, "Gladly." Then we will dance and laugh as dawn breaks out on the horizon, our only audience a pair of deer, who will watch us with hungry eyes while thinking we would look nice above their mantle.

8:06 am

"... I, I wanna get numb
And forget where I'm from
'Cause lookin' in your eyes is like lookin' at the sun
I feel like you're the moon
I feel like I'm the one
I wanna get numb, numb, numb, numb

When it get numb, go crazy
Wanna wild out 'cause lately, life's so short, but amazin'

Late night party in the basement..."

(Numb, Khalid and Marshmello)

Golden skies,

Cornfields roll by,

Lush and fragrant,

An emerald shining in the dark. 

Robin's egg blue,

Windows down,

Pretty clouds smile,

They make friends with my demons. 

My stomach is full,

My stomach is happy.

Chocolate oats,

Cocoa nibs,

Banana and fresh raspberries.

I am safe,

I am loved,

I work an amazing job -

A job that I love.

Yet here I sit, 

In a small black Subaru,

Waiting for God to take it all away.

8:09 am

But now I'm turning a corner, 

And I'm just sitting here thinking -

Maybe I'll be OK.

Look how far I've come,

Everything I've learned these past 3 months, 

Everything I've done,

Everything still yet to come. 

So now I sit,

In a small black Subaru,

Feeling proud and thanking God. 

“... Hey look ma, I made it
Hey look ma, I made it
Everything's comin' up aces, aces
If it's a dream, don't wake me, don't wake me
I said hey look ma, I made it.."

(Hey Look Ma, I Made It, Panic! At the Disco)

6:27 pm

It hits me sometimes. In the strangest way, like a sickly sweet bee sting in August. Or like catching the faint whisper of a scent you once owned but haven't worn for years. A thought before conception, a happy accident... Maybe we could be together again, or meet up and talk, even just as friends... I taste Benadryl and I feel heat. I smell His cologne. I'm driving home. Golden laughter, backseat love. My everything, my vice, my drug. Screaming, crying, broken phone. Pounding feet, pounding heart, Mom and Dad's open arms... Closing chapter, endless nights. Beer-fueled decisions, I kiss your dad goodbye. And when all is said and done, may you rest in peace my fallen ally - My first and painful love.

Snap out of it Veronica, you're driving home. Reality hits, I'm in the car, and I am alone. And yes, I feel sad, but I also smile. Because with Him, I always rode on the passenger side. But today? Today I drive. 

(Negative Emotions Processed) Sad, alone, lonely, empty, sorry, disappointed, let down, worry

(Positive Emotions Processed) Accepting, love, peace, concern, caring, grateful, glad, hopeful, secure, content, satisfied, trust, warm, relaxed, joy

I am content. I have no regrets. It was an honor to have loved Him, even now, from afar, even just as a friend. He came into my life for a reason; He left for a reason. And in His coming and going, He made my life better. I just hope He thinks the same of me. 

Friday, July 18, 2025 

9:33 pm 

Earlier in the week, I got sick to my stomach twice mid-workout. But I pushed through the pain and finished what I had started. This morning was different though. I didn't make it to the gym. I honestly don't know how I even made it out the door, let alone through the day. But here I am, standing by the kitchen sink, hating myself because I didn't work out today, and eyeing a bottle of Nyquil on the windowsill like it's my salvation. 

Look, I know what I said about Nyquil before - that it doesn't do shit - But I've been using it again this week, just to help me get by. It's been doing its job, relieving my symptoms and helping me sleep. Sleep, sleep... I need sleep. Yeah, yeah, it's OK... It's OK. I fill the plastic cup to the brim. Red velvety syrup slips down my throat all too easily. Who needs a spoonful of sugar? I've never had a problem making the medicine go down... I just have a problem stopping it... But I need sleep tonight. So, it's OK. Yeah, yeah, it's OK... It's OK. Just one more night...

Saturday, July 19, 2025 

6:50 am

I wake up tangled in sheets. I feel warmth between my thighs. Warmth... Warmth and wet. Still half drugged from Mr. Sandman's nightly spell and my last hit (I promise, no really, I do) of cherry-flavored Nyquil, I unfold my white sheets. I see blood. Bright red blood like a paint spatter on snow white sheets. Rose petals in the snow. My heart aches for my Dear John, and I am filled with sadness. 

(Negative Emotions Processed) Sad, hurting, heartache, grief, missing, longing, despair, alone, lonely, disappointed, let down, insecure, helpless, worry

(Positive Emotions Processed) Acceptance, peace, relaxed, calm, grateful, trust, hope, caring, loving, concern 

Sunday, July 20, 2025

8:36 pm 

I wonder if he's having fun now. Dancing, his hot and sweaty body tied up in some girls' arms. That's fine. She can take him dancing in the streets. I took him dancing in the sheets…

(Negative Emotions Processed) Sad, hurt, alone, lonely, empty, insecure, inadequate, inferior, ugly, worthless, embarrassed, helpless, despair (minor negative emotions, primary sadness, lonely, empty, hurting heart)

(Positive Emotions Processed) Amused, humorous, powerful, strong, secure, self-reliant, attractive, sexy, desirable, capable, calm, acceptance, forgiveness, peace, trust, caring, loving, hope, concern