11/10 - 11/13 pt1
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions. My initial emotions will often sound extreme, but that’s the BPD talking. The Borderline Diaries put those emotions out there, because we can’t understand what we can’t see. The Borderline Diaries are me talking - sorting through my emotions to get to my healthy feelings, my healthy relationships, and my healthy life.
Themes Of The Week
Before we delve too deep into this next entry, I must warn you that this week marks the beginning of a darker chapter in our story. I’m actually writing this reflection months after the fact (in April 2026), so I have had an abundance of time to grow and process since the following events occurred. Thanks to a lot of hard work, and a strengthened commitment to my recovery, my insight around this period of my life is extremely clear. However, that healthy rationale is not something you will often find while reading through this next series of entries. From now until late April 2026, you will note an ongoing mental struggle characterized by an overall increase in symptoms, namely hostility and irritability (anger turned outwards), depression and suicidality (anger turned inwards), as well as my main borderline symptoms (dependency vs false autonomy, narcissism, anti-social traits, playing the victim, attention seeking, manipulation, feelings of emptiness, and a lack of self-worth). Again, I will warn you that this entry will at times be very dark and painful. If you yourself are struggling, please do not read further. Remember, you can always come back another time - I will always be here for you.
Despite the pain and darkness, I hope you can see the overarching story of recovery and healing. I also hope you are able to see beyond my symptoms, and the stereotype of my illness - I will wholeheartedly admit I am a walking stereotype of borderline personality disorder, and my toxic traits and thought patterns may lead you to initially believe I am beyond help. But then, I hope you are able to see the other side of me; and the other side to my story - after all, there’s always another side.
So while on the one hand, I can be toxic - I can be obsessive, dependent, narcissistic, sociopathic, attention seeking, and manipulative - I have another side. My other side is something the stigma of my illness would tell you does not exist… But it very much does, and it is beautiful. My other side has big brown eyes. My other side is sunshine. My other side loves to laugh. My other side is fiercely loyal, and cares for others with a martyr’s devotion. My other side hopes to be a mom, my other side hopes to have a baby. My other side extends love and compassion not only to those around me, but to myself… Even the darkest parts of myself… Even my toxic side… And what’s so amazing is that my other side - my sunshiny side - works to heal my toxic side… Through that joyous extension of self-love and compassion, and by taking my own hand, and leading myself out of the darkness and into the light.
And that, dear reader, is what I hope to do for you through all of this - I hope to extend the same love and compassion I have learned to give myself to you, while teaching you to do the same for yourself. But don’t you dare worry, my love, I will be here serving as your training wheels while you gain your bearings and learn to love yourself wholly and totally. And don’t forget, it has taken me years of work to heal myself, and nothing happens overnight. So, it’s best to start now, before we lose daylight… But of course, it is always darkest before the dawn… And that is exactly what you are about to read… Now don’t be afraid, and take my hand, I promise you we will be alright - we just must first come to terms with the darkness within ourselves, before we can rejoice in the light.
With that said, on to the themes of this week:
The start of a rough period where a lack of emotional processing caused an increase in my symptoms (hostility/irritability, depression/suicidality, borderline symptoms)
Increased hostility and irritability (anger turned outwards)
Increased depression (anger turned inwards)
Highly suicidal (depression/anger turned inwards, lack of emotional processing around harsh realties)
Turning to maladaptive coping mechanisms (disordered eating/exercise, engaging with self-harm urges, and suicidal fantasies) rather than processing my emotions and utilizing other healthy coping skills
Extremely symptomatic (BPD) due to experiencing a loss
Beginning to struggle with our relationship and developing an unhealthy attachment to you (writing/blogging)
(It is also important to note that my mental state this week was highly influenced by taking a 7-day course of progesterone to try to induce my menstrual cycle. I was able to recognize my depression, self-harm urges, and suicidality all spiked dramatically while taking the progesterone.)
Girl On Fire
Part I
Entry Dates
Monday, November 10, 2025 – Thursday, November 13, 2025
Monday, November 10, 2025
6:02 am
I’m thinking about all the boys I’ve loved before… I’m thinking that maybe the reason I obsess over them, and stay locked in a world of fantasy is because it’s safe… Safe because I know where each of those stories lead, even though they lead to pain, they lead to destruction, they lead to nothing.
If I were to actually try to build a healthy relationship with someone new, I would have no guarantee - good or bad - of where it was going. So, my fear of the unknown leaves me paralyzed and reliving old hurts… More than that… I am afraid of finding healthy love… And I’m afraid of being happy… Because if this painful life has taught me anything, it’s that love and happiness never last… And I don’t think I can bear losing them again.
So, I choose to stay here - in a world of fantasy, in a world of hurt… Again, at least I know what to expect here… And now I’m seeing red, purple, and green… Yeah, I’m seeing yellow and blue… A rainbow of colors, just like an old familiar bruise. Yeah, a rainbow of colors, if I ever lose you…
6:57 am
How quickly I forget… That I am the girl on fire… And you? Baby, you’re the match - Yeah baby, you light me up. And as I think that now, I have chills all over my body…
…
“... 'Tis locked inside my memory
And only you possess the key
No longer drowning and deceived
All because you came for me
Locked inside my memory
And only you possess the key
No longer drowning and deceived
All because you came for me
…
All that time
I sat alone in my tower
You were just honing your powers
Now I can see it all (I can see it all)
Late one night
You dug me out of my grave and
Saved my heart from the fate of
Ophelia…”
…
(The Fate of Ophelia, by Taylor Swift)
2:32 pm
I'm ok. I'm ok. Breathe. I'm ok. I'm ok.
…
“... It's been a long time coming, but
…
It's you and me, that's my whole world
They whisper in the hallway, ‘She's a bad, bad girl’ (okay)...”
…
(Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince, by Taylor Swift)
2:49 pm
Now someone I love is telling me to breathe…
“Breathe”
“Take a moment”
“Let it sink in”
“Don’t react”
2:57 pm
I'm suicidal.
… But I’m telling myself, “This too shall pass…”
7:17 pm
I’m standing in the kitchen. I just got home from work. I texted Dad earlier in the day… I told him the bad news and asked if we could talk more when I got home. Of course he said yes… He always does, and God love him for it… And now here we are… Talking… I’m clearly explaining the events that transpired earlier today, and expressing my emotions around the entire situation. Dad is actively listening, making eye contact, nodding, and asking a question here and there. I feel loved, I feel understood, I feel trusting, I feel safe.
I told him I have a decision to make…
“My blog is what makes me happy. I did not go through hell to put anything on hold.”
My voice is strong and clear as I speak those words with confidence.
“And I don’t mean to be overdramatic, and I don’t want you to worry that I’m going to jump off a bridge or anything crazy… But the thought of giving up the blog, or putting it on hold literally makes me want to die… It causes me physical pain…”
When I finish saying my piece, I look to Dad for advice.
Dad does not give me an answer, that is not his job. What he does do though, is help me process how to find the answer - the right answer… And not the right answer for everyone else… The right answer for me.
Dad looks at me, and his voice is strong and clear as he speaks to me, “I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I think you might have your answer then…”
And maybe I do… Because the thought of giving you up - The thought of us breaking up… That thought alone made me feel so much pain I could not bear it… And as I think about it now, I have chills all over my body…
10:23 pm
I hope I don't wake up tomorrow.
…
Healthy Reflection:
Here I am using passive suicidal ideation as a maladaptive coping mechanism and a way of avoiding processing painful emotions associated with loss.
Tuesday, November 11, 2025
6:32 am
I'm driving. There’s fresh snow on the ground… I see rose petals, I see red. Suddenly, all of the frustration I've been feeling culminates in an animalistic scream… I see rose petals, I see red. Red… Then blinding white…
I want to drive recklessly, I want to feel high… High so I can't feel the deep sadness and pain radiating throughout my entire body.
6:35 am
“... Caption it passion, and then capture me, trap me instead
Happy to die in that web, wrapped in the sheets of your bed
Ooh, know the only way I'm leaving
Ooh, is in pieces…”
…
(Hammer to the Heart, by Teddy Swims)
…
I want to cut myself so badly. I don't know if I will be able to resist the urge…
…
Healthy Reflection:
Here I am suffering from self-harm urges, once again stemming from unprocessed emotions and anger turned inwards. Instead of taking time to process the complex emotions I was feeling, I allowed my brain to retreat to the sick role, relying on maladaptive coping mechanisms to make me feel better - when in reality they only made me feel worse.
6:40 am
I wonder if I did cut myself, and if I had fresh bloodied scars… I wonder if he would notice me then… I wonder if he would love me then…
6:46 am
(You Take Care Of You! - Dear reader, please note that the following section of writing includes very graphic depictions of obsessive tendencies and suicidal ideation. If this is something that will be detrimental to your own recovery journey, please pause and skip ahead, I will meet you on the other side!)
There are tears in my eyes, and I hope he sees - I hope he sees, and I hope he worries sick over me…
And now I'm just wondering… If I went to the roof… Would he follow me? … And if I stood on the ledge… And spread my arms out wide in a big T… And turned back to face him… Would there be tears in his eyes then? - Would he beg and plead? Would he become my prince charming and pull me off the ledge? And hold me close and never let me go? … If I went to kill myself in front of him… Would he notice me then? … Would he love me then? …
… Or would he let me jump willingly? Averting his gaze when my body slammed the cold, hard cement below. No longer human… A lifetime of pain and suffering reduced to a buffet of wasted organs and spattered blood… My last earthly thought would be joyful, the realization that I would forever be embedded in the ground he walks daily.
… Or would he look? …Would he look and never be able to erase the image from his mind? … Forever embedded in his brain… Always haunting him… Even when he attempts to bury my memory between her lilac tatted thighs…
And maybe that's what I want…
Payback for what he's done to me…
Because no matter what I do…
And no matter who I fuck -
No matter what,
I cannot erase him from my mind.
So baby,
Maybe I'll just kill myself…
Right in front of you,
So you can never erase me.
…
Healthy Reflection:
I struggled with whether or not to include the description you just read in this entry, as it is so dark. However, I settled on including it, as it serves as a flawless example of the behavioral symptoms of BPD that are so highly stigmatized. One of the biggest stigmas individuals with BPD face is the narrative that we are manipulative attention-seekers who like to play the victim, and we are far beyond help.
As I said to you in the introduction to this entry, I wholeheartedly admit I am a walking stereotype of BPD - I can be toxic, obsessive, dependent, narcissistic, sociopathic, attention seeking, and manipulative. However, while there is accuracy within the stigmatized narrative of what BPD looks like, it is not all-encompassing. The stigma refuses to acknowledge that individuals with BPD have other traits and a unique personality outside of the condition (I told you about my sunshiney side). The stigma also does not examine the reasoning behind the behavioral symptoms of BPD that are so highly stigmatized. Why do individuals with this condition manipulate, seek out attention, and play the victim? - As someone with the condition, I’ll tell you why:
We love deeply, and we want to be loved.
Of course it’s much more complicated than that, and much more complicated than I could ever describe in a brief summary - but for the purposes of this entry - let’s keep it simple. I’ll use myself as an example (easy target, right? lol). As someone with BPD, my brain (prior to treatment) was lacking physical processing pathways in the frontal lobe - where emotional processing takes place. Much like a stroke victim who has suffered physical brain damage, I struggle to identify and process my emotions. This general processing deficit is essentially where all symptoms of BPD stem from. Symptoms like a low sense of self, identity issues, chronic feelings of emptiness, and low self-worth leave individuals with BPD constantly searching for outside validation.
This is where those highly stigmatized symptoms we talked about come in: Manipulation, attention seeking, and playing the victim. I think when most people hear those symptoms listed, they imagine someone cold, calculated, and heartless - And again, I won’t lie to you, at times I can be all of those things, just like any living, breathing human on this earth - mentally ill or not. But, more often than not those symptoms present very differently.
I often compare my borderline episodes to that of a child’s temper tantrum. Imagine a little girl with pigtails pouting in the corner or giving the silent treatment when she doesn’t get her way… Or maybe feeding her broccoli to the dog so she can skip ahead to the chocolate chip cookie… Or maybe throwing a full on tantrum - on the ground, little fists shaking, snot, tears, and tissues - to get Mom and Dad’s attention and validation… Because attention and validation equals love - or at least it often does in the mind of someone with BPD… And as I told you before, we do a very good job of loving everyone around us, everyone except ourselves… So yes, at times we manipulate, and seek out attention, and play the victim… Just like the stigma says.
But what the stigma doesn’t tell you is the why… And that’s why I’m here, writing you… And the why is simple really… We want you to give us love, because naturally we are unable to love ourselves.
I am living proof that with treatment, that can change. Never lose hope.
…
Note that in the situation above, my unhealthy thought patterns were stemming from a lack of processing around the loss I was experiencing at the time. I felt abandoned, angry, and sad. Instead of recognizing and expanding on those painful emotions, I turned my anger inwards and entered a state of depression and experienced increased self-harm urges and suicidality. I also clung to past losses and perceived abandonments as a way of reinforcing my negative thought patterns. In this example, I reopened the old wound of a lost fantasy and unrequited love. It is no surprise this impacted me so deeply, as I believe unrequited love to be the most painful kind there is.
7:48 am
“Now crunch up really high! This exercise is focusing on your sides, you know - all that fat that hangs over the sides of your pants…”
Yes, I know.
2:32 pm
I'm sitting waiting at my gynecologist's office. I'm here for a standard STD test, and to talk about my period which has still been MIA.
As far as the STD testing goes, I'm feeling whatever about it. Passion comes at a cost, and this is the cost of loving my Dear John… At least this is the cost of loving him raw…
Honestly, I don't even care. I feel so depressed, and so angry, and so hopeless about everything in my life right now… Like I said last night… I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up. So who the fuck cares about STDs. I've been craving sex again anyways… Yeah, I was thinking I might even find someone on the way home…
Then there's my missing period - I don't care about that either. I've decided that as much as it breaks my heart, I will never be a mom… Yeah, I'll never have a baby. Not in this life at least… Come to think about it, maybe that's why I'm in such a rush to hurry up and die… So I can end this painful life and move on to the next one… The next one where I will find pure love… The next one where I can be a mom… The next one where I can have a baby…
So as I'm sitting here, thinking all of this, I wonder - Why am I even here?
… And God knows I mean that in so many ways.
…
Healthy Reflection:
Here I am not only using passive suicidal ideation as a maladaptive coping mechaism, but leaning into my sex addiction as well. Like with any drug, love and sex release endorphins, giving off a high and satisfying chronic feelings of emptiness and low self-worth - at least initially - in the end, engaging in such destructive behaviors only results in heightened negative symptoms.
3:03 pm
“So, we do have enough for a clinical diagnosis of PCOS…”
Then she was talking about more tests, and about how I’m doing everything I can already - lifestyle wise.
But then… “The only thing I will say is if you do find the right person and decide you want to have children… The only thing I will say is start trying sooner rather than later… That’s the only really pressing issue.”
I’m not surprised, and I told you already, I will never be a mom… Yeah, I'll never have a baby.
… So tell me why do I feel sad? …
…
“You’re young though. This is something to keep in mind, but I would be more worried about it in a decade or so.”
… I told you already, and I told you again, I will never be a mom… Yeah, I'll never have a baby.
… So tell me why do I feel hope? …
3:55 pm
“... Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story, baby, just say, ‘Yes…”
…
(Love Story, by Taylor Swift)
…
I wish I could see myself in those lines, but I don’t think Juliet ever had to be tested for syphilis, or was diagnosed with PCOS…
5:17 pm
“ This is scary…”
“I hate myself”
“I’m so sorry this is not okay I’m BPD-ing so bad”
…
And I am… In the past 24+ hours, I have seen an eruption of my BPD symptoms. This isn’t the other beast, no. This is all BPD: A controlled loss of control. The urge to speed, have reckless sex, and harm myself… All stemming from my refusal to process the difficult and painful emotions I’m feeling about my life right now… About a potential loss… About the potential loss of you and I…
…
I didn’t tell you this, but I was trying on a new dress earlier… A little black dress… It hugs me in all the right places… All the right places, and all the wrong places…
And it’s simple really… The dress came with a sharp pin attached to the tag. I told you I wanted to cut earlier in the day… I didn’t know what I would use though… Then there was the little black dress… And the pin... Sharp… Sharp enough to cut…
But now I’m thinking that’s just not enough. I need a real blade, something big enough to fuck me up - Because I deserve to be punished… Yeah, I deserve to bleed… Yeah, I deserve to be cut.
…
Healthy Reflection:
In this section, I am once again turning anger inwards and owning all the blame in a situation dealing with loss (causing me to experience intense self-harm urges).
Wednesday, November 12, 2025
7:03 am
I kind of ignored him when I first saw him… Idk, I don’t want to seem desperate… But now here we are, face to face - Only for an instant, but still…
If saying “hi” were a race, we tied this morning:
“Hey Veronica!” and “Hey! How are you?” - Spoken at exactly the same time.
He continues, “How are you?”
I’m walking away now - because what else is there to do, I know he doesn’t want me, he told me - but still, I look back and smile, staring into his deep, kind eyes for as long as I can bear, and tell him I’m doing good. And that’s no lie… Because I am doing good now… Now that he is near… Now that he noticed me… Now that he said, “hi” …
My brown eyed boy,
Oh God,
I still love,
My brown eyed boy,
My brown eyed boy.
5:44 pm
“So I think we’ve decided - Shut it down.”
“Not down - Paused.”
…
To put one’s love on hold… How very painful that is…
Thursday, November 13, 2025
6:48 am
She's here… I haven't seen her in a while.
Looking at her makes me want to workout until I die…
…
Messages
Me:
This is painful
Him:
Birth is painful but worth it after it grows
…
Thank God for him. I would be completely lost without him. He’s helping me raise you up right.
… But it’s even more than that, he’s helping me raise myself up right… Lending me never ending support and advice…
“Just be safe,” he told me last… When I told him about my boys and my sex addiction…
“Just be safe.”
And I nodded my head yes, but I looked away.
8:51 pm
I’m procrastinating going to bed. Sleep has been pure torture for the past couple of nights… Probably because I keep having nightmares about a world much like this one… Where there’s no you and I.
10:17 pm
I touched myself tonight, thinking about him… Yeah, I touched myself tonight, thinking about him… Until I had chills all over my body.
