11/6 - 11/9 pt2
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions. My initial emotions will often sound extreme, but that’s the BPD talking. The Borderline Diaries put those emotions out there, because we can’t understand what we can’t see. The Borderline Diaries are me talking - sorting through my emotions to get to my healthy feelings, my healthy relationships, and my healthy life.
Themes Of The Week
This week, sexual obsession continued to plague my thoughts as I sought out external validation. Generally, I saw a spike in my borderline symptoms (namely irritability, feelings of emptiness, low self worth, seeking external validation, and chasing a high/risk seeking in an attempt to feel something/fill the empty void I was feeling intensely).
To be completely honest with you, I’m writing this weekly summary later than I normally do (today is Thu 11/13), so last week is a little blurry. Still, as I look back at last week + think about how this week has progressed, one key phrase comes to mind, “I just can’t stop destroying my life.” This is a behavioral habit I cannot seem to shake, and something I need to examine more closely independently and with my therapist.
As I said, I know my symptoms this week were borderline driven (not the other beast)... I can feel the difference between the borderline episodes and the possible bipolar episodes so clearly - and I am proud of that… Anyways… Upon recent reflection, I believe my thinking and behavior this week was driven by a pathological need to destroy myself… But why? … Because I need to feel a high? … Because if I don’t I barely feel alive…
Increased irritability
Pushing others away
Engaging in destructive behaviors
Seeking external validation (especially sexual attention from men)
Exhibiting thoughts and behaviors driven by obsessive (sexual) tendencies (this relates to seeking external validation)
Struggling with my relationship with my body, food, and exercise
Feeling guilt, shame, self-hate, and evil (embedded badness)
Feeling powerful, alive, attractive, and justified
Evaluating expectation/fantasy vs reality (what am I hoping to feel by doing this vs what I am actually feeling)
Moth To A Flame
Part II
Entry Dates
Thursday, November 6, 2025 – Sunday, November 9, 2025
Thursday, November 6, 2025
10:40 am
“Uh-uh, uh, uh
You brush past me in the hallway
And you don't think I, I, I can see ya, do ya?
I've been watchin' you for ages
And I spend my time tryin' not to feel it…”
…
(I Can See You, by Taylor Swift)
…
It’s funny how quickly our emotions can shift… From negative to positive… Or unfortunately from positive to negative… Like they did just now…
11:11 am
“... But what would you do if I went to touch you now?
What would you do if they never found us out?
What would you do if we never made a sound? …”
…
(I Can See You, by Taylor Swift)
It’s funny how quickly our emotions can shift… From positive to negative like they did all of 30 minutes ago… Or from negative to positive… Like they did just now…
Because despite the negative emotions I was feeling earlier this morning, and despite myself, here I am dancing around my room in sweatpants and topless… My wet hair is piled on top of my head in a towel, I have a hot enzyme peel mask on from my brows down to my nipples - Speaking of, how long has it been on? Ah, who cares! - I smile and swish my hips side to side, and toss my hands up in the air. My body brushes, my fingers touch… I can love myself, I can validate myself! - I don’t need anybody else!
… But I want somebody else… Terribly so… And now as my body brushes, and my fingers touch…
“... 'Cause I can see you waitin' down the hall from me
And I could see you up against the wall with me
And what would you do, baby, if you only knew?
That I can see you
Uh-uh, uh, uh…”
…
(I Can See You, by Taylor Swift)
7:52 pm
I’ve been having a hard time today… Highs and lows… From making love to myself last night and taking myself dancing this morning, to laying crumpled in a ball on the couch tonight… I have to admit, the time change doesn’t help anything… I’m entering a difficult time… When the sun goes down, so do I…
Anyways… I feel irritable and discontented… I think it’s partly because I’ve had time to slow down and rest today. I’m always going, always moving, always doing… So when I have a “rest” day, I often just collapse… The physical and mental exhaustion catches up with me, and suddenly I realize how tired I really am… How much my mind and body ache… Still, I did a lot today… I worked out, took an everything shower, did a ton of wash, had a meeting, caught up on emails, did some new writing, edited some old writing… Gosh… And here I was thinking I was lazy… I’m not… I’m not at all…
I’m proud of myself. Really proud! And as I look back and reflect on today, I realize that I need to work on being comfortable with just allowing myself to rest. I also need to be kind to myself and recognize all of my positive qualities and amazing accomplishments! Only two short years ago, I lived on the couch in a helpless, mute, and catatonic state… Now, I lead a healthy lifestyle and care for myself (mentally and physically), I have wonderful and fulfilling relationships, I’ve been to school, I have a professional job, I’m going back to school… And most importantly, I gave birth to you! - My blog, my brand, my business… My baby!
… Like wow!! - That’s crazy! I have grown so much, and experienced so much good in the wake of so much pain. Life is always a mix of good and bad, but I know and trust there is an abundance of good on the way.
So again, looking back on today - Today was a good day! I accomplished a lot, and I also had time to rest and be at peace with myself… Something that is very important as I continue to live with this illness and work towards recovery… So I am grateful… Grateful for this day, grateful for this life, grateful for me.
8:10 pm
I’ve been wanting to all day… But I have resisted because I know it’s pointless. Pointless and wrong…
What’s wrong with just saying thank you??
Gratitude is a virtue!
Lust is not…
Please?? Come on! …
… At least wait until the morning, Veronica…
It’s after 8 o’clock… You’re going to bed… And he’ll know you’re thinking about him now… When you’re going to bed…
If only he could have seen my thoughts last night… Last night when I made love to myself…
Yeah… If only.
8:35 pm
Mom just got home, and she gave me the most beautiful message: “Do you know XXXX? - She adores you! She said you’re the sweetest girl, she was so happy she saw you this morning! …”
…
The sweetest girl
… I wonder if she would still think that… If she knew… Knew everything about me… Knew even the darkest corners of my mind…
Hey, maybe she still would… And I am… Yeah, I am sweet! - I’m not all sweet, but no one is…
I’m sweet… I’m spicy… A box of Red Hots… A box I’d like him to open… Full of candy… Candy I’d like to watch him lick… Sweet and spicy… Me…
Friday, November 7, 2025
5:11 am
“... You're the kind of reckless that should send me running
But I kinda know that I won't get far
…
And you stood there in front of me just
Close enough to touch
Close enough to hope you couldn't see
What I was thinking of…”
…
(Sparks Fly, by Taylor Swift)
…
I will make you feel my absence and pain so you give me love…
… Because that’s how love works… Isn’t it?
…
“... My mind forgets to remind me you're a bad idea
You touch me once and it's really something
You find I'm even better than you imagined I would be…”
…
(Sparks Fly, by Taylor Swift)
5:44 am
He’s trying to talk to me, trying to engage… Asking questions about work, school, and weekend plans… My answers are short and cool - Not frigid, but cool… I can't bear to make eye contact. It physically pains me. I don't feel fit to be around other humans right now. It's too much. I wish that I could just give people a sign to stay away. I know that's childish of me, but sometimes I'm in so much pain, and my brain plays tricks on me… Like right now… I feel very unsafe around this man who I know cares for me very much. Yes, I know he is good, and I know he is kind, but right now I'm repulsed by him… I can't bear the sight of him, and I'm afraid I might do something that would harm our relationship… But then again I already am… And now I’m just thinking, “Please just stay away. Please just stay away so I don't hurt you…”
6:27 am
I’m pushing myself through my last set of high knees. When the timer goes off, I slap my hip. I meant it as more of a love tap than a hateful spank today, but it still stings… Reminding me I need to be careful… Careful with my words and actions… Because sometimes, even when I don’t intend to, I sting like a bee… Yeah, sometimes no matter my intention… I feel like all I ever do is hurt those around me…
7:27 pm
I’ve been struggling a little with my eating… I think I’m doing a good job with it overall, and in a healthy place… But some old and restrictive habits are coming out… Earlier this evening, I was making protein powerballs. When I was dishing out some almond butter, a little dribbled on my fingers. I went to lick it off, but then I stopped myself and washed it off my hands in the sink… Then I flashed back 10 years… Many days were spent baking for others, witnessing their pleasure in place of my own… Getting off on it… Chocolate chip cookie pornography… In those days, I was extremely careful not to get any ingredients on myself in the baking process… For fear the sweet and fatty calories would be absorbed through my skin…
And here we are now… 10 years later… And I’m kind of feeling the same… But then I have to remind myself of how much I’ve healed, and how much progress I’ve made… A little wobbling doesn’t mean I will fall down… And even if I do, now I know how to pick myself up off the ground.
Saturday, November 8, 2025
10:47 am
I’ve been noticing a really healthy shift in my mindset around my body, food, and exercise. I always say rest is important too, but suddenly that concept fully clicked, and now I truly understand what it means. I also feel more capable and confident in my ability to actually practice it… I deserve rest… Rest is essential to my mental health, and my internal and external physical health. I am so obsessed with my physical appearance, so I have been over-exercising relentlessly… Always forcing a “more is always better” mindset. In reality, I know that isn’t true…
If I really want to achieve and maintain my ideal physique, I know I need a better balance with my eating and exercise. I have spoken with my nutritionist and personal trainer about my current regimen, and we have come up with some slight adjustments - namely less additional walking, and allowing more flexibility between Pilates and yoga classes. I’m also learning to be a little more flexible generally and allowing additional rest to support my whole body. Next week I will be taking two rest days instead of one (one active with walking and a Pilates workout, and one full rest day). Long story short, I will continue to be highly active and dedicated to fitness and my workout schedule, but I will be more balanced and loving in my approach. I will allow myself more time to actually enjoy the movement… And rest!
Also, having a healthier balance in my exercise regimen will result in a healthier balance in my eating habits. If my intake needs are slightly less high, I will feel less uncomfortable with the amount of food I need to eat (to maintain my physique and activity level). I will also be less at risk of overeating (the vicious overeating vs restricting cycle) if my general hunger level is lower.
1:07 pm
“Can I talk to you about something…”
Don’t hit send… Don’t hit send…
3:30 pm
I’m driving past my lyme specialist’s office. I’m going somewhere else today, which makes me smile. Still, I flashback to that time of my life… 17 years old, fresh out of high school. My life was my illness… An endless lineup of doctor’s appointments and pain.
Suddenly, I have a vision. A vision from my past. I’m with a young man. I feel warm, safe, and at peace. I can’t see his face, but I know he is handsome. I can feel it. Maybe not in the traditional, visual sense… But in the spiritual sense… I can feel his soul… And it is beautiful.
I’m talking to this man - this beautiful soul - telling him about my pain… Telling him how I just feel so alone…. But then he says he understands, and that his life has been much of the same. I look at him then, and I try to see his face… At first, I think it's Him but it's not… No, it’s definitely not Him…
And then suddenly, I'm out of it… I’m back in my car driving, and I no longer feel warm, safe, or at peace. I’m fighting with my mind, desperately trying to remember who the man in my vision was… Which one of my boys was it? Who did I share that special connection with? I'm searching for him, and trying to grasp him… I'm trying to touch his face and turn it towards the light; turn it towards me… But then… In a flash I realize, this was not a vision from my past… But a vision from my future. He is not one of my boys… He is not someone I know… He is someone who is coming… He is the one who is coming… And now my entire body is covered in chills, and I am lit on fire.
…
“... I counted days, I counted miles
To see you there, to see you there
It's been a long time coming, but
…
It's you and me, that's my whole world
They whisper in the hallway, ‘She's a bad, bad girl’ (okay)
The whole school is rolling fake dice
You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes
It's you and me, there's nothing like this
Miss Americana and The Heartbreak Prince (okay)
We're so sad, we paint the town blue
Voted most likely to run away with you…”
…
(Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince, by Taylor Swift)
3:42 pm
I’m still thinking about him… The one who is coming… My one.
… And even now, I'm covered in chills… Covered in the same kind of chills I felt when a psychic told me I died young in my last life. Barely 21… Dead… Dead at the same age He left me in this life… Which makes me wonder… Did the same thing happen in my last life? Did I lose Him then too? To another woman’s body? … A blonde silhouette? And did I complete the deed then? Did I kill myself in His name? Did I kill myself because He broke my heart, and I could not bear the pain?
… I don’t know… The psychic told me otherwise. She said my life was taken from me. She asked if I had moles or freckles on my body. I told her I was covered in them. She told me I was set on fire. She told me I was burned alive.
…
So you see, as I think about him now… The one who is coming… My one… I have chills just like I did then… When I was told I died young in my last life… When I was told my life was taken from me… When I was told I was set on fire… When I was told I was burned alive… Chills so intense when she told me then… Chills so much even now… When I say it outloud… Or even think about it to myself…
A moth to a flame…
I just can't stop destroying my own life…
3:45 pm
A flashback.
2022.
Only days before the hospital.
“She stopped taking her meds?”
“Yes.”
“I understand,”
“She’s traumatized.”
…
Is that the word for it? … Well, I was mistaken then… Here I was thinking my life had been taken from me… Yeah, here I was thinking I had been set on fire… Yeah… Here I was thinking I had been burned alive.
9:18 pm
A black cat crosses my path. I would feel scared if it weren't my own reflection.
9:44 pm
Oh baby, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you the truth… I wasn't just “curious,” and yes, I was hoping… Yes… Honestly, I was hoping… Hoping so much it hurt…
10:52 pm
I wonder if he has any idea… How wet I get… Whenever he's near… Not even near… Just on my mind… Wet panties? - No, I don't wear them… Wet scrubs, wet Lulu tights, wet sheets, wet thighs…
Extinguish my fire? You're the opposite of that… You strike the match; you light fire to my wet…
Sunday, November 9, 2025
10:27 am
“I should have eaten sooner… My blood glucose is dropping so bad…” My face is white, yet flushed, and I’m on fire.
“Are you okay?” Dad asks, as I mumble, “yes,” and stumble out to the freezing cold garage… Moments later I’m sitting there, in a little ball on the floor… Attempting to nurse myself back to health… Nibbling on a tiny piece of a banana… Letting my saliva dissolve it more than actually eating it so I don’t throw up. I try to stand up, but I’m so dizzy… I feel like I’m going to pass out… Pass, pass… This too shall pass… It always does… And gosh, it has been a while - I used to have these episodes all the time…
This one has been severe, it’s taking me a long time to recover… And as I sit here… Drooling banana and clutching my stomach… I swear I have learned my lesson… I swear I will respect that my body needs food and fuel… I swear I will not be so restrictive.
8:06 pm
I’m making a smoothie for my breakfast tomorrow. I opened a new tub of coconut yogurt (don’t worry, it’s low in calories). I go to lick the cover, but stop myself and scrape the tiny bit of access yogurt into the tub… You can never be too careful.
… Then, I remember this morning… Curled up in a ball on the cold, hard garage floor, clutching my stomach, and nursing a tiny, saliva covered piece of banana… I remember that, and lick my finger proudly, telling myself, “Progress, not perfection!” - That makes me smile. I am learning, I am finding balance in my life, and I am proud of myself.
8:50 pm
Today was a good day. My thought patterns were very rational and positive. I felt light… My brain felt like a peaceful place to be. The painful mental fire and increased irritability I felt earlier this week were extinguished gently by cool and forgiving water.
I also accomplished so much today! And again, looking at everything I’m doing in my life right now, I feel immense pride and I am amazed with myself. I also feel so much excitement and joy for everything that is happening and everything that is coming… Because I know there is an abundance of good coming! Even now, I can see all the fun times lined up waiting for me!
So as I think about it now, I realize I am not a moth to a flame… I am the girl on fire… Conquering my dragons, and lighting the world on fire. I’m not destroying my life, I’m building it.
9:17 pm
I want to feel seen, and wanted, and loved… By someone other than myself…That's the thing about being the girl on fire… I am something powerful, I am something beautiful, I am something captivating… But I am also something others are afraid to touch…
…
That’s alright though. If I’ve learned anything in this painful life, it’s that I can light myself up.
