11/3 - 11/5 pt1
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions. My initial emotions will often sound extreme, but that’s the BPD talking. The Borderline Diaries put those emotions out there, because we can’t understand what we can’t see. The Borderline Diaries are me talking - sorting through my emotions to get to my healthy feelings, my healthy relationships, and my healthy life.
Themes Of The Week
This week, sexual obsession continued to plague my thoughts as I sought out external validation. Generally, I saw a spike in my borderline symptoms (namely irritability, feelings of emptiness, low self worth, seeking external validation, and chasing a high/risk seeking in an attempt to feel something/fill the empty void I was feeling intensely).
To be completely honest with you, I’m writing this weekly summary later than I normally do (today is Thu 11/13), so last week is a little blurry. Still, as I look back at last week + think about how this week has progressed, one key phrase comes to mind, “I just can’t stop destroying my life.” This is a behavioral habit I cannot seem to shake, and something I need to examine more closely independently and with my therapist.
As I said, I know my symptoms this week were borderline driven (not the other beast)... I can feel the difference between the borderline episodes and the possible bipolar episodes so clearly - and I am proud of that… Anyways… Upon recent reflection, I believe my thinking and behavior this week was driven by a pathological need to destroy myself… But why? … Because I need to feel a high? … Because if I don’t I barely feel alive…
Increased irritability
Pushing others away
Engaging in destructive behaviors
Seeking external validation (especially sexual attention from men)
Exhibiting thoughts and behaviors driven by obsessive (sexual) tendencies (this relates to seeking external validation)
Struggling with my relationship with my body, food, and exercise
Feeling guilt, shame, self-hate, and evil (embedded badness)
Feeling powerful, alive, attractive, and justified
Evaluating expectation/fantasy vs reality (what am I hoping to feel by doing this vs what I am actually feeling)
Moth To A Flame
Part I
Entry Dates
Monday, November 3, 2025 – Wednesday, November 5, 2025
Monday, November 3, 2025
6:31 am
Why? … Why? … Just when I think I’m over you, you ask how I’ve been and look happy to see me…
8:45 am
I deleted my Hinge account. It was an obstacle to my peace, so I chose to honor myself and remove it from my life. I’m proud of myself for making that decision, I know it was the healthy choice. As soon as I deleted it, I felt a wave of relief wash over me. Overall, I feel more at peace and secure in myself today, less desperate for attention and validation from outside sources. My addict’s itch for sex has been soothed… And not because I engaged in the behavior I was craving, but rather because I processed the emotions around my desire and realized maybe sex wasn’t really what I was looking for… I was looking for attention… I was looking for validation… I was looking for love… But those are all things I can give myself… Today is a new day, and today, I choose to love myself.
…
… But a little attention never hurt anyone… Right? … Yeah, a little attention is harmless… Right?
Oh Veronica, baby, when will you learn to stop playing with fire? …
12:49 pm
I’m holding the lighter… My finger’s on the trigger… But something is stopping me from lighting up… I wonder what? - Could I have found my reason? Could I have found my head? … But is it really all that bad? It’s just a harmless update… It’s not like I’m gonna bite my lip and say I wish I could take him to bed…
1:46 pm
Come on now, Veronica. Be a good girl now, Veronica.
Oh but haven’t you heard now, Veronica - Good? I’m anything but.
7:41 pm
I just got an extra helping of dinner… More meat… And more roasted veggies… I really hate myself now. I should have waited longer before getting seconds… Or just have skipped seconds all together… I do think I’m genuinely hungry though… Ugh! I just hate myself right now… Thank God I see my nutritionist tomorrow…
That makes me think of last week… I was being interviewed about my mental health journey, and when asked about my current relationship with my body, food, and exercise, I verbalized something I had not even fully admitted to myself, “To be completely honest with you, I still actively have an eating disorder…” And yeah, yeah… Thinking about it now I realize my eating disorder has not ever left me, it’s simply grown up with me… And I knowingly follow it into the downward spiral it calls home… A moth to a flame…
I just can’t stop destroying my life.
…
Daily Connection
Emotions around admitting I still actively have an eating disorder:
Negative Emotions Processed: Sad, sorry, shame, blame (self), guilt, let down, disappointed, helpless, hopeless, trapped
Positive Emotions Processed: Content, satisfied, peace, calm, capable, secure, strong, proud, hopeful, trust, happy
I need to process this more at another time (I’m tired now and I really just need to get some sleep), but basic summary… Yes, I would say I still actively have an eating disorder… I obsess about my body, food, and exercise to an extreme that is often unhealthy… I also often abuse my body, and misuse food and exercise as maladaptive coping mechanisms…
BUT… On the other hand… I treat my body as a temple… My lyme disease diagnosis led me to adopt a very healthy diet (that is more restrictive)... I exercise like a pro-athlete, and the physical capability of my body is incredible! More than that, I view food and exercise as medicine, and I find my relationship with both very joyful and fulfilling. I love food, I love cooking and baking, and trying new healthy recipes. I love exercise, moving my body makes me feel so happy, and so at peace.
… So you see… There are two sides to everything… And reality lies in between… My relationship with my body, food, and exercise is not entirely disordered… It is also healthy… The struggle comes in staying in a balanced state between the two extremes… Integration… A tightrope walk… But I have learned to adapt, and I am accepting of that… I am content… For the most part… And hey, if I ever fall off, I’ll survive - Haven’t you heard? - I’m a lucky black cat, I was born with 9 lives…
8:14 pm
I feel dizzy. Dizzy, and all I see is red. All because of some silly messages, all because of some completely innocent texts. Gosh, oh gosh, is it all just in my head? … Then why am I biting my lip, and thinking about taking him to bed? …
Sent… Sent and a response… A response with a smile… And I said thank you… You know, as you do… And now it’s done… No more communication needed… Harmless, innocent… Always.
…
… But looking back now… Something you said… You handled it immediately… Only a few hours before I bit my lip, and thought about taking you to bed… I called, and you came running… And I like that… Yeah I like when men run to me the moment I call… No… Not like… Love… Yeah, yeah… I love it… Yeah, yeah, my honey… I don’t just like it… No… I love that you came running…
And it makes me want to call again… Just to see… Would you do it again, honey? Would you drop everything and run to me?
… But now it’s done… Right? … No more communication needed… Right?… Harmless, innocent… Right? … Always… Right? …
“I love being with you…”
…
Get a grip, Veronica… Your fire’s on fire…
Tuesday, November 4, 2025
9:00 am
I just got out of an appointment with my provider touching base on the medication (I’ll fill you in on that later). Now I’m using the bathroom quickly before going right into therapy. I finish peeing, crumple some scratchy toilet paper into a ball, and wipe. As I quickly discard the toilet paper I pause… Wait! - I think there was blood on it! Yes, yes! - I think I saw a scarlet streak. Joy and excitement balloon in my heart, and I frantically roll out more toilet paper so I can wipe again and confirm the presence of blood… Yeah I’m running late, but who cares! - Therapy can wait. This is more important right now… I might actually be able to be a mom… Yeah, someday I might actually be able to have a baby.
My heart skips happily, like a baby’s feet kicking in my belly and I wipe again. I close my eyes and take a breath… Feeling…
4:29 pm
Hey, how are you? I’m sorry I’m just checking in, I’ve just been feeling really rundown today. It was a busy day… I took today as my rest day from the gym, and let myself sleep in… But I did not sleep well…
Anyways, today was my monthly therapy marathon - I had appointments with my medication provider, therapist, and nutritionist, all back to back. Then I saw my chiropractor, but you don’t need to hear about that, haha! - Okay so here's a quick rundown of my appointments:
Medication Management Appointment:
My appointment with my provider went really well. I told her that I felt very stable on my current dose of medication (Lamotrigine 50 mg X1 daily). I told her that I do not feel the need to decrease or increase the dose at this time. My provider agreed, and expressed how happy she was that I had a balanced view of the medication.
Then we talked about my two recent periods of hypersexuality. My provider said I need to continue to be mindful and make note of what seems to be driving these episodes - Do they seem to be driven by the borderline (lack of emotional processing, need for external validation), or are they potentially being driven by bipolar (detached from reality, trying to feed an uncontrollable need for a “high”). We talked about how I have been doing a really good job of distinguishing the difference between these two driving factors. I shared that I felt the first period of hypersexuality was potentially a sign of bipolar. It was a complete loss of control. I felt detached from reality, paranoid, and animalistic in my pursuit of a sexual high… I was also happy… I felt on top of the world… And I didn’t want to ever come down. Then I shared that I felt the second period of hypersexuality was definitely borderline driven. It was a controlled loss of control. I was avoiding processing my emotions, and sought external validation from male attention and sexual gratification. However, those behaviors only dampened my mood more, and I felt significantly depressed (anger turned inwards).
My provider and I went over our current treatment plan, as well as her thoughts on potential future treatments. Right now, I am staying on 50 mg of the Lamotrigine X1 daily. If I begin experiencing more “bipolar” types of symptoms, and we feel a greater intervention is required, my provider said she would introduce an “as needed” medication, before increasing the Lamotrigine. We want to be extremely cautious and conservative in our use of the Lamotrigine, as it is by far the friendliest (least amount of side effects) medication that treats bipolar, and the only one without metabolic side effects. We don’t want to lose it as an option. So as a next step in treatment (if needed), I would be prescribed a second generation antipsychotic to take “as needed” - No more than X1 or X2 a month. It would be reserved for periods like the intense bought of hypersexuality I experienced a couple of weeks ago (did not appear to be driven by the borderline, detached from reality, paranoid, racing thoughts, etc). While this class of medications are not as gentle as my beloved Lamotrigine, I would be taking an extremely low dose (like a lick of a lollypop) so infrequently I would not experience side effects. But, I would be taking just enough to experience benefits, and most importantly preserve the use of Lamotrigine. “You are so young,” my provider said, smiling at me… Essentially saying, “We don’t want to max out this med too soon… We don’t want it to run out before you do…” It occurred to me then, that my provider was insinuating I would live a long life… I didn’t verbalize it, but I hope my eyes spoke my endless thanks for me, “Yes, yes - I will live a long life… Thanks to you.”
Therapy:
I was so happy to see my therapist! - I really do love her so much, and I only see her once a month now, so there's always a lot to catch up on. Today, the focus of our appointment was primarily on my recent mental episodes and sexual behavior.
I told my therapist my recent sexual behavior makes me feel guilty, ashamed, sorry, evil, and afraid… But it also makes me feel cared for, sexy, attractive, powerful, and desired. My therapist challenged me at one point, asking if I was able to validate myself - Can I care for myself? Can I validate for myself that I am sexy, attractive, powerful, and desirable? I told my therapist that while yes, I can validate all of that for myself, “Fuck that!” - I want someone else to validate me too… I want attention… I want love… I’m lonely… And that makes me sad…
Talking about sadness led us down another road in our conversation… It led us to that someone that I used to know… I told my therapist my recent trip triggered so much sadness over losing him… Or rather over losing the fantasy of who he is, and what might have been…
Then that led us to talk about how I fixate and obsess on the men in my life… I put them on pedestals and anoint them with golden crowns and roses… While I am left frozen on the ground, pierced by a crown of thorns, and covered by petals in the snow…
…
I want to be wanted, it’s as simple as that. I want someone to worship the ground I walk on… I want someone who is as loyal and devoted to me as I am to them… I want someone who loves me as much as I love them… I told my therapist all of that, and then she asked me if I thought I was deserving of those qualities in a partner. I told her yes. I told her yes, I do deserve to experience loyalty, love, and devotion… And I told her I know that one day, I will meet someone, and it will all make sense. My therapist smiled real big at me then… “When I meet someone” … When I meet someone… And fall in love again… A new love… A healthy and true love… And I didn’t verbalize it, but I hope my eyes spoke my endless thanks for me, “Yes, yes - I will experience a new love, a healthy and true love… Thanks to you, my dove… Thanks to you, my love.”
Nutrition Appointment:
I was expecting to be a wreck at my appointment with my nutritionist, but I was actually okay! I felt very autonomous, secure, and strong in my communication with him. Overall, we had a very honest and productive conversation. At my last appointment, I was extremely distressed because my weight had increased (a combination of muscle and fat). At today’s appointment, everything had stabilized. My weight went back down, as did my muscle and fat. I know the loss of muscle isn’t ideal, but honestly, I’m just happy my weight and fat went down.
I told my nutritionist that for the first week or two following our last appointment, I was more restrictive with my diet. I was extremely triggered by learning my weight and fat had increased, which led me to slip back into my old and restrictive habits. But these days, my restrictive periods often lead me to overeat later… It’s a vicious cycle, really…
So again, my nutritionist and I touched base on what I need to do moving forward in order to foster a healthy relationship with my body, food, and exercise. We talked about appropriate meals and snacks (how many, etc), eating slowly (timing myself) and mindfully, waiting a set amount of time before getting more food, not walking more than 2 miles on days I workout intensely in the morning, getting adequate sleep, and allowing my body time to rest.
After my appointment with my nutritionist, I felt more secure in my ability to take care of myself. I am a beautiful human. My body deserves food. My body deserves movement and exercise. My body deserves rest. I'm in a good place. I'm going to continue working to honor my body and treat myself with love because I deserve it. Yes, I do deserve love.
8:43 pm
I'm going to bed feeling very sad… Very sad and very empty… Because I remember… What it was… To go to bed… Knowing I was loved…
Wednesday, November 5, 2025
8:28 am
I’m itching to message him again… But why? There is absolutely no reason to… Oh but God, you know I’m no good at goodbyes! …
“... Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
I'm no good at goodbyes…”
…
(Goodbyes, by Post Malone)
Messages (with Mom and Dad):
7:02 pm
Me:
Going to be home at 8:00 at the very earliest. It might be more like 8:30
7:03 pm
Dad:
Do you need anything?
8:01 pm
Me:
Heading home now
Mom:
Drive safe!
9:00 pm
Hey. Long day. Not bad… Just long… Really long… So I’ll check in with you tomorrow, okay? Right now I just need to get to bed.
Do you know how last night I told you I went to bed feeling very sad? Very sad and very empty… Because I remembered… What it was… To go to bed… Knowing I was loved… Well tonight, I’m thinking differently… Don’t get me wrong, I still feel very sad and very empty going to bed tonight… Remembering what it felt like to be loved romantically… But thinking back to earlier tonight and my texts with Mom and Dad, I realize I am loved. It’s a different kind of love, but it is valuable in its own way… Come to think of it, there are many people - family and friends - who love me… Yes, they love me very much… And I love them very much too… So tonight, I am able to see both sides… I honor the sadness I feel over the lack of a romantic love in my life, but I rejoice in my other loves, abundant and everlasting. Yes, tonight as I rest my head and close my eyes, I know I am loved.
I am loved. I am loved. I am loved.
