10/29 - 11/2 pt2
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions. My initial emotions will often sound extreme, but that’s the BPD talking. The Borderline Diaries put those emotions out there, because we can’t understand what we can’t see. The Borderline Diaries are me talking - sorting through my emotions to get to my healthy feelings, my healthy relationships, and my healthy life.
Themes Of The Week
This week I experienced an influx of borderline symptoms. At the beginning of the week, I felt intense rage and blame towards others. I entered my porcupine state and shunned those around me with hostile silence. As the week continued, however, I became very needy, searching desperately for validation from others. I once again experienced a period of hypersexuality, and did an impressive amount of damage on Hinge within a 72-hour period. But this week’s triggering of my sex addiction was very different from a couple of weeks ago… Like I told you, that was a different beast… A complete and animalistic loss of control, possibly indicative of bipolar. This week I know my hypersexuality was driven by the borderline, as it was a controlled loss of control driven by a need for external validation I was not providing myself. I also aimed to use sexual gratification as a method of avoidance, and a way of satisfying intense feelings of loneliness.
Other big news from this week - I went on my first real trip away from home since my borderline diagnosis and recovery. Of course that stirred up all kinds of emotions, good and bad… It also was an extremely sad event for me… Because it reminded me deeply of that someone that I used to know. I struggled to process my sadness and let go. Rather, I fixated on the fantasy of him I had created, and let my obsession carry me down dark, and all too familiar roads.
By the end of the week, I got my emotional processing back up to speed and my borderline symptoms dissipated. It was difficult to come to terms with the painful emotions I was trying to avoid through external validation and sexual attention. However, the discomfort I experienced when facing my negative emotions felt far less painful than trapping myself in my borderline state. Still, as this week came to a close, I continued to battle a need for external gratification (sexual attention from men), promiscuous and manipulative behaviors, and obsessive tendencies. Clinging to the edge, I felt like a moth to a flame, “I just can’t stop destroying my life” …
Intense rage and hostility
Pushing others away and protecting myself in a state of false autonomy
Feeling insecure and embarrassed
Feeling sadness, let down, and disappointed
Grieving the loss of what might have been, grieving the loss of a fantasy
Seeking external validation (especially sexual attention from men)
Struggling with my relationship with my body, food, and exercise
Using maladaptive coping mechanisms instead of engaging in healthy coping mechanisms
Resetting my mindset and behaviors, recommitting to recovery
Lady Liberty Hates Me
Part II
Entry Dates
Wednesday, October 29, 2025 – Sunday, November 2, 2025
Wednesday, October 29, 2025
6:16 am
I'm doing Pilates on the floor of my hotel room, surrounded by neon lights. Horns honk, sirens wail. I love it here. I find peace in the noise… It quiets my mind.
God, but being here makes me miss him so much, and I am filled with sadness imagining him embracing another woman's touch. I feel insecure because this place is so beautiful, so enchanting, so worldly and seductive… Especially when compared to me… Why would he choose me? Why? Why?
Oh God but I miss you so baby… I do… I do… I do.
2:01 pm
“How did you get into this?”
“It’s a long story, haha!”
“I actually played baseball for years, I was in the minor leagues for a while…”
I like baseball players though…
“Oh really? Wow - Haha!”
“Yeah, so that was my life. I even tried to go full pro, but I ended up getting cut…”
“So then I had to decide - My wife… Or my girlfriend at the time - Was just getting out of school...”
“So I had to decide between trying again and recommitting to baseball, or settling down.”
“I decided to settle down. It was time.
“And here we are now.”
…
He smiles as he tells me about his babies. One is two and a half, the other is only three months… Collicky… He hasn’t been getting much sleep… You’d never know… He glows… The power of joy… The power of love…
He travels a lot, but doesn’t like to… Especially not when his babies are so young… He doesn’t want his beloved wife or their angels sleeping alone.
… I wish someone would love me like that… I wish someone would care enough to not let me sleep alone… I wish he would have been ready to settle down… And be in love… Why couldn’t that have been us?
… But maybe it still can be… Baby? Please? Please…
4:04 pm
“Is this blogging thing really something you're going to do forever? I mean when I'm writing there's a point when I need to be done - Last chapter, curtain call… So is this really something you're going to be doing forever?”
“Yes.”
Said without hesitation,
Yes.
So I guess I answered my own question…
About where you and I are going,
About what you and I will be.
Is it worth it?
Are you worth it?
Are we worth it?
Yes,
Yes,
Yes!
Because we are invaluable my dear,
No final chapter,
No curtain call,
Not in the story of us.
We will be united in holy matrimony…
And darling I know when death makes my eyes roll to the back of my head,
When I take my last earthly breath,
Your face will flash before my closing eyes…
The highlight in the movie that was my life,
Playing over and over again on repeat…
‘Til I'm lost,
‘Til I’m dizzy,
‘Til all I see is you…
You and I.
6:22 pm
My train is being called. I leave two Kind Bars on the table. Cherry chocolate… 7 grams of added sugar and all kinds of processed oils. Google says they’re not as bad as eating a Snickers Bar… But…
So I leave them behind even though I haven’t had dinner… Even though I’m starving… Left behind because they are not clean enough for me… Left behind like he left me… Because I was not clean enough for him.
6:41 pm
I feel so empty. I'm on the train, going “home” … But home doesn't feel like home… Not when I want him to be my home… And as sad as coming here was, I'm even sadder leaving… Because while I was here, I was with him in a way… Only 29 minutes, only a stone’s throw away… I wish I could stay… I wish I could consume him… So he could never leave… My God! - What is wrong with me??
Nothing.
Nothing is wrong with me… I just love so deeply… So deeply it is dangerous… For the target of my love, yes, but more for me.
Because here I sit, on a crowded train in a crowded city bustling with life… Yet I've never felt more alone… And I am so terribly sad… I think I might die.
…
I love you baby. Please come back to me. Please let me be your home. I can be enchanting, I can be worldly, I can be seductive… And you can run your fingers across me, in the same way you run through her streets… And get all tangled and twisted; embedded in me… Breathe me in and I'll be your air… Drink me down like the sea… Rough waters to soothe your soul… Yeah baby, I'll be your Sea of Galilee… Just promise you won't ever leave me… Just promise you won't ever let me go…
Because I fear if you do I will fall… So far down… Straight into the rocks below… Tangled and twisted… Bloody and alone… My body smashed in pieces… Broken porcelain doll… Face painted… Red cheeks and lips still smiling dreaming of your afterglow… Broken porcelain doll… Rose petals in the snow.
6:59 pm
Dark, neon lights fading in the distance. The train whistle cries, and so do I, weeping from my siren eyes. I'm leaving her, just like you left me. But you live in her, so I am leaving you too… The way you left me… The only difference is you don't want me… No, you didn't even know I was here… Still, I can't bear the pain so I just close my eyes and pray for the end of times… And I pray for you… Because I love you baby, and I want nothing more in life than for you to be happy… With or without me.
7:17 pm
Back under the bridge,
Back under the bridge I drive off in my mind.
Goodbye,
Goodbye,
Goodbye.
…
“... This is the last time I'm asking you this
(This is the last time I'm asking you this)
Put my name at the top of your list
(Put my name at the top of your list)
This is the last time I'm asking you why
(This is the last time I'm asking you why)
You break my heart in the blink of an eye
(You break my heart)
…
This is the last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you this
This is the last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you this
This is the last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you this
This is the last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you this…”
..
(The Last Time, by Taylor Swift, featuring Gary Lightbody)
7:49 pm
Dozing off,
Leaned up against the cold seat,
Body tangled and twisted me on me.
Legs warped,
Broken porcelain doll,
Lifeless.
Falling asleep dreaming of him,
Next to me.
Resting my head on his chest,
For so long his tattoo rubs off on me,
Marking me as, “Family.”
He warms my cold,
He breathes life into me.
But that is all just a dream,
An empty promise,
An incomplete sentence.
…
Oh such a pity
He never dreams of me.
7:52 pm
I feel so terrible saying this… So guilty, and shameful, and sad… But I just had a thought… I thought about downloading Hinge again, adding a bunch of guys, and messaging them all to try and feel some kind of high… Not even a high, just something, fucking anything,,, Other than this terrible sadness and loneliness…
And as I’m writing this to you now, I’m realizing I self-medicate not with drinks or drugs, but with men, sex, and love… So who’s next? Who’s next to quiet the pain, to dull the inner ache I feel constantly, each and every day?
… Oh why bother. Why bother when all I want is him. Yeah… Yeah… All I want is him… And I’m thinking now… That it would be better for me… And my recovery… To sit with this terrible sadness, befriend it, and then let it go… Before I go hunting for another man… Because of course I could catch one easily… If I wanted to…
But I don’t. All I want is him. All I want is him.
7:57 pm
Messages (to a friend):
Me:
I just feel like (and I know we have to be mindful of my impulsivity, etc 😂), but I really am ready to full send this shit.
I know we have no idea where this is going, but I want to do literally everything in my power to make this become something big and my entire job. This is what makes me the happiest out of everything in my life. And honestly it's the only thing that makes me feel true peace and fulfillment. I can't imagine ever being without it... So I want it to be my whole career if possible... I mean a side thing/passion project is great, but I want to take it all the way and I'll do anything and everything in my power to get it there. 🤍
…
When one door closes another opens.
…
My Dear John closed the door when he left me,
He left me alone in my room on fire -
But don't forget,
For that I will always give him thanks,
Because in his leaving,
I did not only open another door,
I burned the entire fucking house down,
And rose from its ashes.
…
Watch out world,
There's a mad woman on the lose,
And I'm coming to get you…
9:35 pm
“Here comes the sun, doo-doo-doo-doo
Here comes the sun
And I say, ‘It's all right…”
…
(Here Comes the Sun, by The Beatles)
I’m driving back to the city I inhabit filled with dread and sadness. My heart is black and blue aching for him now… The same way my body was loving him.
Thursday, October 30, 2025
1:04 am
I am home, but I do not feel at home or identify this place as such. I am a lost soul exiled in a strange land. All I know is I have to get out. This place is not for me… Not for too much longer… I need to find my own way… I need to make my own home… And how miserable everything seems… Now that I have been to his home… Been and gone… Hopeless…
9:54 am
The sky opens up above me, and its great tears threaten to wash me away. I wonder if only pairs will be saved… All God’s holy creatures… Man and woman? My Dear John and I? No. We are no couple; we are no pair… And I just feel black and blue and so filled with sorrow…
…
I am not fulfilled here. I am not content here. Small town… Groundhog’s day… Waking each morning to the same exact day… I don’t know how much longer I can take it… Groundhog's Day every day the same. Small town. I don't know how much longer I can take it
“... So I get lost in modern music, watching movies, talking to the walls in my room
Walking through the halls in my head, just tryna make sure it all makes sense
I ain't made of money, maybe someday you can take it from me
I'm up too late thinking 'bout you
In MIA for…”
…
(3 Nights, by Dominic Fike)
Idk the time
Idk the time and I don’t care. I just hate everything and everyone. I was talking to Mom and Dad about how unhappy I am… About how my trip made me feel so small and pathetic… About realizing there are so many other lives I could be living… Lives in a big, flashy city… Not stuck in some pathetic small town… Still living at home with my parents at almost 25 years old… I want my own life. I want independence. I want freedom. I want to come home to an empty apartment. Mine. God… God. I am still living at home at almost 25 years old. Get me out. Now.
And idk, Mom and Dad were talking. Mom about steps and realistic goals. Dad about how I’m not almost 25 years old, I’m only 25 years old. Both about how far I’ve come, how much I’ve grown… I tuned them out. I’m so tired of lectures, I’m so tired of people offering counterarguments to my emotions, and words of wisdom. I don’t want to hear opposing views on my life, I am not asking for advice, I am simply asking to be heard. Just listen! Don’t try to fix - Listen! So I ignored Mom and Dad, staring straight ahead and staying silent.
…
Something else…
Lately I have not only felt the urge to snap and lash out physically against myself independently… I have felt the urge to lash out physically against myself… While using someone else…
That makes me feel evil and fills me with guilt and shame… But it also makes me feel sexy, attractive, powerful, and high… Empty… But high and comforted by that aching void… A void I fill with sex… Using it as a tool to get what I want… Using it as a game… Cat and mouse…
Oh God… She’s back… Aphrodite… Oh yes, dear reader… Beware… She’s got a hold of me now… Tied up… Held hostage… Gun to my head… Better off dead… Yes… Yes… Aphrodite is back. And she knows where you live…
Run.
Friday, October 31, 2025
11:53 am
“Thank you so much for talking to me…”
“It’s amazing how you are able to speak about such incredibly painful experiences…
“... And thanks to the program and all the hard work you have done, you are now able to go on and lead a full, long life…”
“I mean my God, you said you’re almost 25? - You’re only 25! - You have your whole life ahead of you!”
…
Gosh… Just like Dad said last night… “Oh my God, you’re only 25 - Look at everything you’re doing at only 25! … And you’ve got your whole life ahead of you!”
… Maybe they’re right… Maybe I’m not, “almost 25” … Maybe I’m “only 25” … And with that, I’m turning a corner now… I journeyed through the dark spell I was lost in this week… And I found my way back to light… Back to life… My life that will be long and full… My life that has only just begun… Because I’m only 25… Oh thank God, I’m only 25! Oh yes, pretty baby, you’re only 25… And you have all your life, all your life… At only 25…
7:51 pm
“Hey :) I'm sorry to bug you, I just have a quick question...”
…
… And do you know that silly question - a question I know the answer to - is just an excuse to talk to you… Because I miss you…
9:49 pm
“I have to say something to you…” I bite my lip and gaze up through thick, heavy lashes stained with mascara.
“I just don't want you to think” … “I mean I didn't know… “When we first met” … “I didn't know…” … “So I had to” … “I just don't want you to think” … “I just don't want you to think that I don’t feel” … “Because I do” … “I feel very much” … “I feel” … “I feel for you.”
I feel for you.
…
I’m alone in my car, driving home. Practicing my talk-track; a solo dress rehearsal. Funny… “Dress” … “Dress,” when all I want is for him to undress me…
11:11 pm
I'm doing better… I think… I'm coming out of that nasty state… Cold and frightening… My Aphrodite is unlike yours… She is not loving… She is empty…
…
I have so much to tell you tomorrow… So much to process! - That's really what I need to do in order to get myself fully out of this rough mental patch - Process my emotions. Emotional processing can be tedious, and it's a lot of work… So I've been putting it on hold… Of course that only makes things worse… I think that's been the huge overarching issue causing my recent mental distress and flaring symptoms… A general lack of emotional processing…
So tomorrow, you and I are going to process! We're going to process my emotions around where I'm at in life (living situation, work, school, as well as pursuing my other interests and dreams), and all my boys and my sexual symptoms. I think those are the big topics to process. Key emotions I need to explore are unfulfilled, discontent, anger, rage, hate, powerful, sexy, guilt, shame, evil… There's a lot to unpack there… Which means I need a good night's sleep, and so do you, so it's time to say goodnight!
I'm going to let myself sleep in a little (7/7:30 am), then I'll go to the gym later in the morning. I'm trying to learn to be flexible and honor my body's needs… But it's really hard… That's something else I wanted to process more… I forgot to tell you this, but I had an interview today… And we were talking about my mental health journey… And do you know I said something… Something I haven't really admitted even fully to myself… “In all honesty, I still actively have an eating disorder.”
… So yeah… We're gonna wanna unpack that…
But now it's time to sleep, so I'll say goodnight and I love you… Even though love feels hard to find tonight…
11:26 pm
... I feel alone… So I know what I'm going to do… While I think of him… Last night I didn't… I was trying to be good, I was trying not to abuse my drug of choice… Because what was my reasoning for wishing to engage in that behavior? - Because I'm an addict, and I was fixing for a high. Because I felt empty. Because I felt lonely.
But tonight it’s all of that and more…
I feel for you.
So now I make believe in my mind, and play pretend between my thighs…
11:30 pm
Goodnight
Saturday, November 1, 2025
11:30 am
I think that’s his car… In her apartment’s parking lot… Her apartment complex where I go to get my brows done. Awkward.
Hinge not working out for you, huh? So you had to go back? … You and I both know it’s not the first time… You and I both know it won’t be the last… Come on now baby, just make up your mind and go back.
And in however many years - 18, 25, 1, or 14 - it takes for you to regret… Baby, never forget… I gave you an out… An out between my legs.
11:37 am
“... And I’m just so proud of myself, because I spoke my truth… I told him, ‘I do not deserve this - I deserve to always be treated with respect…”
“I’m so proud of you! You’re right, you don’t deserve that - And you shouldn’t ever have to settle!”
…
Why is it so easy… To tell others what I cannot seem to implement for myself? No matter how hard I try…
4:23 pm
I know I said I’d process more today, so here it goes… Ughhhh! - I don’t want to… But I need to, I know I do. After all, not staying on top of processing my emotions is what led me to have this latest mental hiccup. I do think I’ve been doing a better job processing things already though, more behind the scenes/in the moment… But still… I’m doing it.
Now this next bit of processing is going to be all over the place, so bear with me…
I think my recent trip stirred up a lot of negative emotions. There were a lot of unknowns around the experience, as it was my first time really traveling since before my breakdown. That made me feel apprehensive and uncertain. Given the nature of my trip, I felt an intense amount of pressure to perform which caused me to worry a great deal. Then of course I felt humiliated, embarrassed, and angry by the fact that I had a chaperone - Something that came (wisely) at my own request, but still… That didn’t make it any less painful…
Painful… Pain… Yes, as I write that, I realize that much of my recent episode was triggered by being in pain. I know “pain” isn’t an emotion though… Let me think this through…
I’m angry… And disappointed… And let down… And sad… About where I am right now in life… I’m having a hard time letting go of the fantasy of what I thought my life would be at this age. I certainly didn’t think I would still be living at home with my parents… I also didn’t think I’d be filled with fear when traveling, and require a chaperone… I didn’t think I would just be starting school, I thought that it would be behind me… And that now I would be looking back fondly on my wild college years… I didn’t think I’d just be piecing together my finances, and wondering what credit is… I thought I would be independent, supplying all of my own wants and needs… I didn’t think I’d be awake and alone in the city that never sleeps… I thought I would rest my head there nightly… Next to someone who loved me… And who I loved… Very much…
But that is all fantasy… At least it is right now… Maybe more than fantasies, those are all goals… And goals don’t necessarily have a timeline… That’s the beautiful thing about them. Right now, I live at home with my parents… But someday very soon, I won’t… So it is best to enjoy this time with them, as I plan for the future and make steps towards moving out on my own like I want… Now that I’ve traveled once, I’ll do it again, easily, and by myself… Every first is followed by a next… But sometimes we all need help… To take that first step… I’m starting school now, and that is something to be excited about! - A new experience and education awaits me… And I choose to believe this isn’t coming too late, but rather at exactly the right time… I’m doing a really good job with my finances, and I’ve made so much progress… Things will only continue to improve as I advance in my career and further my education. I’m a hard worker, I hustle, and my finances will continue to reflect this…
… And then there’s my city of love… Maybe one day I won’t just visit her, maybe one day I will call her my home… And maybe one day I will find a healthy love - Strong and deep, true and pure… Yes… Maybe one day I will live in my city of love… Maybe one day I won’t be alone…
But until that day, I will continue to strengthen myself and my independence… And I will work to create a beautiful life that I love, with or without someone by my side… So that if and when my prince comes, he will only be a piece of the puzzle - maybe large, maybe the prettiest part of the picture - but not the entire scene… Because the scene is me… I always have me… I choose me.
… And I can paint myself up pretty… Pretty in pastel colors… Pretty like a Monet… My own muse… I make love to me.
6:10 pm
“I love being with you…”
Tell me… What do you see? … When you read between those lines? …
8:39 pm
I downloaded and deleted Hinge twice today… I’m trying to get my fix… Desperately… What am I looking for though? Validation I can’t give myself? Is it really that complicated? Maybe I just want sex. Maybe I just want love. Maybe it’s as simple as that.
Maybe… Maybe… But sex and love? There’s nothing simple about sex and love… Perhaps the most complicated aspects of humanity… And pretending sex and love are simple… That will destroy you…
I just can't stop destroying my life…
A moth to a flame.
…
I know I should do an actual Daily Connection, but I’m tired… I will tomorrow, okay? Goodnight now, sleep well.
Sunday, November 2, 2025
6:47 am
So last night… I messed up… I didn't go right to bed… I redownload Hinge and spent at least an hour mindlessly swiping… Trying to find someone to be my drug…
I texted my friend last night…
“I really need a fuck buddy”
“I'm so for real”
“I NEED sex”
…
I just can't stop destroying my life…
A moth to a flame.
7:10 am
“Come here! - You look like you need a hug!”
… I know I do… God knows I do… God knows I do…
Messages (from Mom):
8:18 am
Mom:
“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” - C.S. Lewis. Let me know if you want to talk today. 😊💕
6:41 pm
I feel very guilty and I kind of hate myself because I'm having an extra serving of roasted broccoli.
7:59 pm
I’m going to get ready for bed soon… I really am trying to be better about my sleep hygiene. I just wanted to check in before I say goodnight… So Hinge… There’s this one guy… But I don’t know… I think I’m going to pause my account… Because it makes me think of that someone that I used to know… And that just makes me feel so terribly blue and low… And guilty… Guilty… But then I think, what do I have to feel guilty about? He’s left me twice now, without any real explanation or apology… So then why do I feel so guilty? … Maybe it’s because even though he left me, I remain committed to him… Waiting in the wings… Waiting on my knees… His name is tattooed on my heart like a haiku… Forever in ink… Why baby, why?
So this new guy? Idk… He looked clean-ish and decent-ish so I matched with him… And I was thinking what the heck, maybe we could have some fun… And it wouldn’t matter because I wasn’t planning on staying long… Yeah, by the time he’d be reading this, I’d be long gone… But in the end, I don’t think I can pursue anyone… Not when I’m still in love with my Dear John.
Daily Connection
Emotions I have around being back on Hinge:
Negative Emotions Processed: Guilt, shame, sorry, evil, sleazy, worthless, disgusted, helpless, sad, despair, lonely, alone
Positive Emotions Processed: Forgiving (self), compassion (self), understanding (self)
I think it’s clear to see this is not serving me… So why am I finding it so hard to leave? … Maybe because usually, I am the one who is left behind… Yeah, I’ve never been the one to leave… I will cling to my love, or rather my obsession until we are both left for dead… Drowning in red waters on the Sea of Galilee… Tangled and twisted like you on me… Tell me now, baby, do you remember those nights? - Those nights you spent hugged in a warm embrace between my thighs? … And do you think about them still? … I know I do… God knows I do… God knows I do…
And oh my Dear John, I was ready to take you down… But baby, you never cease to amaze me… Because you were the first sailor not to drown…
…
“... Had a dollar for every time I didn't care
I could finally die a millionnaire
Wanna play but I don't wanna fight fair
American dream but it's kind of a nightmare
…
It's all wrong
Maybe we're too far gone
To press pause on all the redemption songs
I found God and she called me a saint
She said, "The good die young but for you it's too late"
…
And if I
Had a dollar for every time I didn't care
I could finally die a millionnaire
Wanna play but I don't wanna fight fair
American dream but it's kind of a nightmare…”
…
(American Dream, by Bryce Vine)
