8/25 - 8/27 pt2
You Take Care of You!
I’m thrilled you’re here, but given its nature and purpose, Borderline Babe contains mentions of mental illness, disordered eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, strong language, and other adult themes. If you find the material upsetting, please don’t read further. You can always come back another time - I’ll still be here for you!
What is the Borderline Diary?
It’s a scrapbook of life as it happens, my life told through honest and open thoughts, emotions, words, and pictures. Too honest? Too open? I don’t think so. Much as we might talk about ending stigmas - whether around illness, appearance, disability, or anything that makes us insecure - I believe we still hide parts of ourselves in the shadows. I think if we shared more openly, we’d all see ourselves in others, and we’d all feel less alone.
Each diary post includes my real-time, “hot off the presses” diary entries, as well as my reflections on the key emotions and themes in those entries. This mirrors an important element in my recovery: the raw, unfiltered emotions - positive and negative - I experience, coupled with the thoughtful, healthy processing of those emotions.
No One Wants To Hug A Porcupine
Entry Dates
Thursday, August 28, 2025 – Sunday, August 31, 2025
Themes of the Week
This week was a week full of transitions and internal changes. Like summer slowly fading into fall, my mental state went through a gentle transformation. The sweltering inflammation of my mind - like summer’s doggiest of days - gradually softened. Like the first cool and breezy nights of late August, it was a subtle change. Something my body realized before my mind… That’s not to say there weren’t hiccups along the way, times when my symptoms flared, and my moods did somersaults, alternating between my all too familiar highs and lows… But, like an anticipated second summer, I knew it wouldn’t last. Yes, I trusted I would return to my quiet and clear autumn days. A state of peace.
Hypersexual, but these symptoms were softened. I was able to be in control of my own body, and process the emotions behind my desire.
Accepting limitations
Navigating scheduling and health/work/school/life balance
Guilt and shame vs anger and blame
Forgiveness of myself and others
Finding contentment, fulfillment, and happiness from within myself
Battling perfectionism, letting go of unrealistic standards
Accepting that life is messy & perfectly imperfect
Accepting myself
Self-love
Hope
Thursday, August 28, 2025
6:37 am
“... Don't believe in fairytales, but we got our fantasies…”
(You Right, by Doja Cat, featuring The Weekend)
I bet they count calories during sex. Track their heart rates, critique their form. Maybe there’s a mirror involved… Kinky… I feel like it's a very technical affair with no room for emotion. I bet they rate their performance and fist bump after too…
Me? I don't really care about all that… Sex is maybe the one time when I let go. I'm just there to have fun - I do what feels good and I don't really care about the rest. I like to talk. I like to laugh. I like to kiss and be kissed. I like to touch anything and everything. And I like to be touched anywhere and everywhere.
And when it's done…
When it's done, I like to be held and bask in the afterglow. Like a pretty white cat, sunning itself in the window.
I bet sex with her is cold. Sex with me would be warm. I’d let him stroke me anywhere, and purrr sweet nothings in his ear as he did…
7:07 am
He's here so I can breathe. I try to catch his eye as I leave, but he doesn't see me. She is all he sees… I love him from afar… Alone, an island.
7:22 am
“... Brown my skin just right…”
(Golden, by Harry Styles)
I would flush his skin red, blood straight to the head. ‘Round his skin just right… Even if only for one night…
7:27 am
The sky is blue,
The sun shines,
And so do I.
I'm back,
I found my way home,
To my peaceful state of mind.
8:11 am
I’m on my way to my appointment with my provider. I'm in a rush as always. I didn't even make my bed this morning. Now I'm in the car, deep-throating a banana.
It's been three weeks since I saw my provider, three weeks since I started the medication. The thought of seeing my provider makes me happy, and I'm grateful to have this check in.
Maybe I’ll catch a glimpse of my Good Doctor. His office is right next door. Oz from behind the curtain… Honestly, I hope I don't see him today. I wouldn't want the second coming bear witness to my current state. I’d be too worried about cashews in my teeth, and bananas on my breath…
8:15 am
“... Fucking in the car that’s the only spot…”
(Missin You Crazy, by Russ)
I pass that old familiar parking lot,
I flashback in time…
It’s cold outside,
But inside,
We create our own heat.
Warm bodies melted together,
Snowflakes line the windows,
Trying to catch a peek.
A pizza shop bathroom,
I feel dirty, but clean.
One water to share,
Two slices of cheese.
I didn't worry about food so much when I was with Him…
Now we’re frantically Googling what happened in the movie…
The movie we “saw”…
He drives me home,
I quiz him on the plot.
He leans over to kiss my goodbye,
Trying not to steer off the road…
“I love you.”
“I love you more.”
But love shouldn't be a competition,
Should it,
Darling?
8:46 am
A white coat crosses my path. He’s got a little pep in his step, but not in a cocky kinda way. He’s one of the good ones, I can tell. I just hope he stays that way…
8:55 am
I’m running into my appointment. I’m holding too many things - water bottle, keys, wallet, lip balm, and a banana peel. Something has to go. I throw the banana peel in the trash. I feel guilty and sad… I know what it's like to be the thing that is discarded…
9:00 am
Bathroom door
“Breast Milk Study”
“Are you currently pregnant or breastfeeding and taking psychiatric medications?”
Sad
Maybe I do want to be a mom someday… Yeah, maybe someday I do want to have a baby…
…
Oh shit!
I'm late!
I'll have to save that thought for another day …
9:04 am
I see my therapist with another patient. They’re over at the scale, the patient is being weighed. Ahhh, the intake process, they’re just starting out.
I have to admit, I’m feeling a little jealous. There’s nothing quite like the love I experienced when I was here full-time, being saved. But my jealousy melts away quickly - like a bittersweet hard candy - because yes, I was saved here, but I was saved for better days.
9:58 am
Notes from my appointment with my provider:
Dependency in Relationships:
I need to be aware of dependency in all of my relationships (not just romantic relationships). A specific example is my relationship with my nutritionist. Seeing him regularly is important for my recovery and lifestyle. However, I need to make sure I am not depending on him to validate things for me - that I’m working out enough, that I’m not eating too much, that maybe I should take an extra rest day, that maybe my body needs a little more food today (and that maybe that’s OK), etc. It’s healthy to get guidance from others in supportive relationships, but I also need to trust myself and my ability to guide myself. Like my provider said, I know my body better than anyone.
Medication Update:
We are increasing the Lamotrigine to 50 mg daily. I feel comfortable and safe doing this. I trust my provider, and I trust myself. It is unlikely we will go any higher than 50 mg.
I will see my provider again in 4-6 weeks (10/9). My provider pointed out that it’s a huge sign of progress that I feel comfortable waiting that long to check in. She’s right. Medication is very emotional for me, but I have been able to validate myself throughout this process.
We talked about the importance of pinpointing specific symptoms I’m hoping the medication will help with, and doing extensive emotional processing around those symptoms. This will allow us to see what the medication is actually helping with (vs symptoms being driven from a lack of emotional processing).
(Key symptoms we talked about focusing on: Mood/irritability, promiscuity)
I am hoping the medication will help stabilize my mood and lessen the distance between my highs and lows. I am hoping the medication will help soften my general moodiness and irritability.
I need to do a better job of processing my emotions around my “moods.” Moods is such a general term. I need to look at the specific conflicts that are causing these moods, whether they be external or internal factors.
Conflicts I notice influence my mood/increase irritability:
When I’m feeling overwhelmed / trying to do too much… “It keeps coming back to that!” - My provider. OK, OK… But I am adjusting and letting things go… Kinda…
Feeling insecure/inadequate/unfulfilled/jealous and looking to create a feeling of security and fulfillment from material things. The haves and the have nots… If I had _____ or did _____ , I would be happy. Maybe this ties to taking on so much… Thinking that all of the different things I’m doing will make me happy… But that’s not true… Genuine happiness comes from within…
My provider also brought up being mindful about promiscuity. I really need to focus on processing my emotions around physical intimacy - whether that be my relationship with myself or others. Right now, I'm not pursuing a romantic or physical relationship with someone else. I need to be stronger mentally before I become involved with someone else.
For now, I need to examine the emotions I have around my physical relationship with myself. I also need to process my emotions when I get the urge to pursue a physical connection with someone else. I need to ask myself what I’m looking to get out of the act of physical intimacy. I need to make careful note of the emotions leading up to it, during it,and after it. I need to ask myself if I am using physical intimacy as a way of receiving validation when I can’t validate myself.
…
“No one uses all of their brain…”
I'm one of only 800-1,000 people who have received this groundbreaking treatment. Borderline or not, I'm leap and bounds above basically everyone I interact with in terms of emotional processing. So my past diagnosis doesn't matter. I have the power to heal and make changes in my own mind and thinking patterns. I'm one of only 800-1,000 people in the history of the world to have that ability…
Damn.
There is a God…
There is a God…
6:48 pm
Ughhh. I'm just heading home now. I’m shoving my laptop, charger, a variety of pencils, pens, and highlighters, my sociology folder and notebook, and my water bottle into my bag. There's a can of green tea and apricot oil infused hairspray hairspray, a pink Yeti travel mug, lotions, lip balms, sunscreen, etc, etc, already overflowing from it. Finally, I grab my little notebook of to-dos and get ready to head out the door.
“This is unwell!” I say looking at my to-do list. There are pages upon pages with scribbles of black, blue, and red pen… Highlights and sticky notes…
Endless, endless things to do…
… But how incredible is that? “I can't believe I'm alive," I say. And I smile.
8:29 pm
Mom made my bed for me.
Love.
Daily Connection
What are my motivations for doing this? What am I hoping to feel?
(Positive Emotions Processed) Happy, self-love, self-care, peace, relief, excited, joy, alive, good, great
I believe my intentions are coming from a place of mental stability. I am a healthy human with healthy, normal, human desires.
How do I feel doing this?
(Positive Emotions Processed) Excited, eager, good, great, self-love, self-care, secure, confident, trust, peace
(Negative Emotions Processed) Alone, lonely, sad
How do I feel after?
(Positive Emotions Processed) Peace, quiet, content, satisfied, good, self-love, self-care, relaxed
(Negative Emotions Processed) Alone, lonely, sad, disappointed, let down
Sex and love are my drugs of choice. I am a recovering love addict. So, it is hard for me to use these former vices in moderation. But, I am learning to have a healthy relationship with them. I'm doing a good job. I hope someday soon, I can love someone else romantically in a healthy way.
(Positive Emotions Processed) Hope, capable, proud, self-love, self-care, self-reliant, peace, content, fulfilled, good, joy, excited
Friday, August 29, 2025
Today was my first day taking Lamotrigine 50 mg
4:37 pm
Today I raced to a meeting with my nursing advisor right after work (good news - I am in great shape to apply for the spring/fall 2026 semester by 11/1!). From there, I raced to another meeting - the very best kind of meeting, a meeting about you…
Fitted black scrubs with matching Hoka sneakers and a tight French braid made believe that I was put together. My tired eyes and chipped French tipped nails told a different story… “I've gotta get these fixed before tomorrow…” I thought with a frown as I glanced down at my hands - all while taking a piss in a Dollar Tree bathroom - because God knows you're the most important thing to me, but, “Oh shit! I gotta pee!”
Yes, today I was a mess… But a beautiful mess…
…
Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I will be different. Not better, not worse, just different.
My scrubs and sneakers will be traded in for a gown and heels. Bursts of see-through black floral will make a garden out of my body, a summer cemetery. I pray I don't lose my slipper, for I am not ready for my prince to come…
My hair will be piled up in some chic updo, a bird’s nest held together with only a couple of dreams and a thousand bobby pins… My face will be painted up pretty like a perfect porcelain doll…
Pearl and diamond studs will decorate my ears. Him. 5/18/18. Forget me, forget me not… Forget me, forget me not…Oh but I pray you do forget me…
Finally, I'll be wrapped up in a sash. A lovely gift waiting to be unwrapped. Miss America, Miss America… My smile lights the room, memorizing and bright, like a camera flash.
…
Rags to riches, same girl, many lives…
Like my Dear John, once said, “Get you a girl who can do both…”
Both you say? Oh baby, I don't just do both… I'll do you every which way…
6:04 pm
He hugs me goodbye. It's a tight embrace, not too tight, but just enough to read his mind, “No matter what the voices say, don't leave this life… Don't leave, stay…”
9:14 pm
I felt really good today. Better than good - I felt mentally strong, secure, self-reliant, capable, calm, and peaceful.
Do you know what else I felt? Happy… I felt happy.
Daily Connection
I have been having more positive interactions with Mom and Dad lately (the past couple of days). I have felt less irritable, even after long days at work, etc. I have been able to effectively communicate with them, and have positive conversations, instead of being very harsh and silent. A porcupine no one wants to hug, I push people away… But that's changing… I'm not sure why. Better emotional processing? The medication? The placebo effect that comes with being on any medication? A combination of all three? I'll have to keep an eye on this… Honestly, I think it's a combination of all three, but I do think the medication is helping me. I kinda hate to admit it tho…
Emotions around noticing less irritability and improved communication:
(Positive Emotions Processed) Glad, happy, grateful, peace, relaxed, self-reliant, content, hope, loving, caring, trust, secure
(Negative Emotions Processed) Uncertain, hesitantant, fear, distrust (fear of losing this progress / experiencing a mood change)
Emotions around noticing that the medication might be positively contributing to my continued recovery:
(Negative Emotions Processed) Shame, anger, resistant, disappointed, let down, insecure, helpless, trapped, fear, distrust
(Positive Emotions Processed) Accepting, hope, grateful, understanding, trusting, content
One last thought before bed… My nails… Chipped… Quick fix… White Out French tips… Who needs a fairy godmother anyways?
Saturday, August 30, 2025
5:47 am
I'm in the basement working out, watching a Pilates video. The video cuts out, I lose track of my reps, and my form suffers - “Ughhh!!! Fuck this shit!!!”
(Negative Emotions Processed) Rage, anger, hate… Guilt, shame, embarrassed, evil (for strong negative reaction)
7:01 am
I'm about to cry. I feel so angry… And so guilty…
I emerge from the basement drenched in sweat. Dad asks me how my workout was. I bite my lip and swallow the lump in my throat. Finally, I respond, “The treadmill (we have at home) isn't going to work… It can't keep up with me… I'm just too fast… Yeah I love to go fast...”
Dad understands. It's an older at home model, not the commercial grade model designed for athletes I'm used to… Dad promises we'll find a way.
(Negative Emotions Processed) Anger, mad, frustrated, irritated, blame (self? other? looking to assign blame… but in this situation, is anyone really to blame)... Guilt, shame, sorry, evil (for strong negative emotions, I'm worried I seem ungrateful)
I experienced increased irritability this morning, one of my “moods.” But, I am able to pinpoint a cause. I was unsatisfied with my workout this morning, and I am generally unsatisfied with working out at home right now. I am still adjusting to the new routine. I'm afraid I'm not getting a “good enough” workout… I also was tight for time this morning. I worked out early, but then was rushing to get ready for work + pack for an event I have to go to right after.
As I rushed to get ready, I fired up my quills. No one wants to hug a porcupine, and right now I just don't have the time.
…
At one point, Dad tried to help. He started carrying a couple of my almost packed bags by the door out to my car… But I still had to throw a couple more things in… I didn't snap or anything like that, but I felt very guilty and sad when I said, “Can you just leave them for now?” I was afraid I hurt him by not accepting his help. I made sure to thank him, hug him, and tell him I loved him… Softening my quills, I accepted his love.
8:20 am
“Yeah, she love when we go fast
Keep my hand up on the gas
She don't wanna take it slow
So tell me where you wanna go
Yeah, she love when we go fast
Keep my hand up on the gas
She don't wanna take it slow
So tell me where you wanna go, go, go…”
(FAST, by Arizona Zevras)
I'm kind of mad at my provider. Talking about my promiscuity the other day… Like OK, yeah, sure, sometimes I use guys and sex as a way of getting validation I can’t give myself… OK, OK, maybe a lot of times recently…
But that’s not the whole story, I mean come on! Sometimes I just wanna have fun! Be young, be free, feel “in love” … I wanna hit up some cheap club one of these nights - somewhere I can dance! I love to dance! But I'm so tired of dancing alone… I want to find some muscle and make him feel my heat… Rub all up on him… Swaying to the music, mouthing every word… Twisted, tangled… Laughing, “loving.” Youth is freedom, youth is dumb, youth is wild, youth is fun…
Yeah I just wanna have fun!
… But then I will admit, I also crave the high that comes with two bodies intertwined…
… Yeah, nothing quite matches the rush I feel when I let go of every last inhibition…
… Yeah I love when we go fast…
…
And now, suddenly, I'm feeling such intense sadness, and there are tears rushing down my cheeks… Because maybe as much as I want to be well, it's very painful to let go of that high… The high that comes from my illness… I came to love it like my own child..
Yeah, maybe that is what's really going on here… I'm not angry with my provider, I'm angry because I lost my high… Actually, I’m not just angry… I’m sad… I'm mourning the loss of my highs and lows…
3:12 pm
“Fall in love for no reason (fallin'), uh
She turned to me and then she said, ayy
Girls just wanna dance, uh, ayy
Girls just wanna have fun
I don't know your plans, ayy
I just wanna, uh, get some
Girls want a summer with their friends
Wanna do it to their ex and then get the job, uh, done
Girls just wanna dance, uh, yeah
Girls just wanna have…”
(GIRLS, by The Kid LAROI
4:03 pm
Oh there’s nothing quite like a gas station change,
Almost there, over halfway…
The dirty bathroom floor collects my dirty scrub top and leggings,
Almost there, over halfway…
Keys clenched between teeth as I wash my hands,
Almost there, over halfway…
Blood red lips, staining kiss,
Almost there, over halfway…
Summer cemetery streaking through the parking lot,
Almost there, over halfway…
Skirt hiked up, revealing black Hoka sneakers,
Almost there, over halfway…
Black sneaks I run miles in… But from who?
Almost there, over halfway…
Now I’m running to someone, I’m running to you,
Almost there, over halfway…
All a part of my master plan, all a part of raising you,
Almost there, over halfway…
Oh I run because I love to make a scene,
Almost there, over halfway…
No pumpkin carriage awaits, just a black Subaru
Almost there, over halfway…
License plate lost, unlike my slipper
Almost there, over halfway…
Still, it can go fast… And God, I love to go fast…
“Yeah, she love when we go fast
Keep my hand up on the gas
She don't wanna take it slow
So tell me where you wanna go
Yeah, she love when we go fast
Keep my hand up on the gas
She don't wanna take it slow
So tell me where you wanna go, go, go…”
(FAST, by Arizona Zevras)
4:38 pm
Father, Son, Holy Spirit.
God speak through me,
God be with me.
“... Lately I've been getting cash (Lately I've been getting cash)
Lately I just wanna smash (Lately I just wanna smash)
But ever since I met yo' ass (But ever since I met yo' ass)
You got my heart been beating so fast, fast, fast…”
(FAST, by Arizona Zevras)
12:12 pm
Quiet drive home,
Quiet all alone.
Summer cemetery crumpled up on the floor,
Used up and tossed aside,
A common whore.
Sometimes I love to take it slow,
Cruising down old backroads.
Yeah sometimes I don’t wanna go so fast,
Sometimes I find peace,
Sometimes it lasts…
Sunday, August 31, 2025
10:58 am
A beautiful day lies ahead of me. I’m almost home, coming back from a 5 + mile walk in the early morning sunshine (slathered in SPF and hiding behind a hat). I did a Pilates workout in the basement again this morning. I also adjusted my workout schedule, so I will be able to balance time saving, active recovery at home workouts with my brutal, body crushing gym sessions. There is a way… There is always a way…
I am still in my peaceful realm, I hope it lasts… I think it will… And if I lose it, I trust it will quickly come back.
A monarch butterfly lands on a sleepy weed. Unwanted beauty.
… The pretty summer picture reminds me of me… But tell me something, will you? - Am I the butterfly? Or am I the weed?
6:37 pm
Mom asks, “Just one piece?” She’s holding out one slice of a perfectly ripened peach. I hesitate. I’m still feeling guilty from the morning… After I did Pilates, I had one rice cake with one TBSP of cashew butter, cocoa nibs, and ½ a banana. Then, when I got home from my walk, I had breakfast - my protein overnight quinoa cereal with cocoa nibs, berries, and the other half of the banana I had earlier. “That’s a lot of carbs,” I thought to myself… Too many? No. I know better… My body deserves this fuel… My body needs this fuel…
Still, I resisted adding an extra source of carbs to my lunch (my daily salad), to be safe… But here I am now, staring down a sliver of peach, my forbidden apple… The Adam to my Eve…
I almost say, “No, no thank you,” mostly out of habit… But then some other part of me kicks in, and I reach out and grab it.
“It’s perfect,” Mom says. And as I take the first juicy bite, and the fruit’s sweet liquid dribbles down my chin, I think, “Yes, yes it is.”
Emotions around having one slice of peach (concerned about having eaten too many carbs earlier in the day):
(Negative Emotions Processed) Uncertain, hesitant, fear, scared, worried, afraid, guilt, shame, insecure, unsafe
(Positive Emotions Processed) Comfortable, trust, peace, safe, relaxed, calm, capable, brave, courageous, self-reliant, happy, joy, love, warm
7:24 pm
I’m eating dinner. A summer spread. Chicken made by dad, grilled with love. Mom outdid herself with veggies - squash garnished with spinach, green and yellow zucchini, red peppers and onions… There’s rice piled with farmer’s market fresh tomatoes and avocado, sprinkled with nutritional yeast… Taste the rainbow? Gladly. I smile and thank God as I look down at my plate.
The final addition to my feast - a plentiful cornucopia of nourishment and gratitude - is half a piece of corn on the cob. Plain. As I go to take a bite, I hesitate and the smile fades from my face, “Wait… Does corn have carbs?”
Awww screw it… Who gives a fuck about that kinda shit anyways?!
My smile returns as I take a big sloppy bite, and once again feel a rush of sweet liquid dribbling down my lips and chin. I am at peace, and I taste heaven.
…
I wanted more… I got more… Maybe I shouldn’t have… I had the other half of the ear of corn, but not before Googling, “How many calories are in an ear of corn?”
But hey, that’s OK. Progress, not perfection.
Acceptance.
9:12 pm
Daily Connection
I've been splitting on someone in my life. I need to do some intensive emotional processing around this relationship… I know I have the tendency to split in relationships… And that's definitely at play here. Sometimes I feel very loving and trusting towards this person… But there's a part of me that doesn't trust them. I want to keep them at an arms length away… Sometimes I even feel disgusted by them…
So yeah, I think there's some level of splitting going on… BUT, it's like Mom said that one time (In reference to that horribly disgusting man I used to know - that's a story for another time, and that's not splitting, that's just a fact… dude was the very definition of the ick…) - Anyways, like Mom said, maybe my reaction was wrong (/ to an extreme), but my instinct was right!
My gut intuition is strong. I know people… I know them well… I read them like a book… Like the Bible… Every last one of them…
And this person? This person I've been splitting on? They're intentions are good. They are a good, genuine person… But I will not welcome them into my world. I will keep them at an arm’s distance. And that's not me being a porcupine, that's me listening to my gut, and protecting my peace.
I need to process this more but for now…
Emotions processed around this relationship and splitting:
(Negative Emotions Processed) Guilt, shame, uncertain, hesitant, distrust (self, other), fear (other), unsafe (other)
Positive Emotions Processed (Confident, self-reliant, trust (self), proud (self, awareness of behavioral patterns within myself), concern)
