6/30-7/6
Saturday 6/28/25
Idk the time, late… Too late…
Hey. How are you? I’m good, today was good… Pretty crappy introduction for my first entry, huh? Oh well, I’m tired so that’s all you get. Today was good, but again, I’m tired. I think I’ve been kinda manic lately, idk. At my last appointment with Diana, we talked about the possibility of me being bipolar. That’s something that’s been brought up over the years, most recently back in April when I went to the ER. Diana said she felt most of my current symptoms were being driven by the borderline, but that bipolar could also be a piece of the (sometimes seemingly never ending) puzzle. We talked about meds. I went into her office that day wanting to be put on meds, but left empty handed - my choice. Because yeah, something’s not right here, but I can’t go down that road again. I’ve been on so many meds. Some did nothing, others made me sick. Head in hands sick, buzzing in brain kinda sick. Nauseous, dizzy, blinding lights kinda sick. Sweats, night terrors, wanting to die kinda sick. And not wanting to die like it usually feels, no, being suicidal from the medication was different. Like I had that thought, that familiar feeling of, “I want to die.” But it wasn’t my thought, no, it belonged to someone else… That, and at times the pain was just so bad I didn’t think I could bear it… What were we talking about? Oh yeah, no-go on meds at my last appointment with Diana. Again, my choice. Diana said she would have me on meds if it was necessary for my recovery and safety, but we weren’t at that point yet…. I wonder if we are now… Ugh fuck! I really don’t wanna go on meds! Partly because of that stupid psychic (that’s a story for another time), partly because I don’t want to take meds if I don’t need to… Mostly because I don’t want to gain weight. I swear to God if I get fat again, I’m gonna kill myself. Not really. I think. I know I can’t say shit like that, but seriously, traumatizing… Diana mentioned that too - that her concern with putting me on meds would be triggering the eating disorder with the potential side effect of weight gain.
Idk, look it’s getting real late and I’m tired. And yeah, I feel like I could just keep going and going writing to you, but I know I’ve gotta sleep, I’ve just got to. But yeah something’s off and I should probably move up my appointment with Diana ‘cause I swear to God I’ve been manic. Last night I was texting one of my friends all this stuff about penises and granola and I was giggling and felt Jack Dawson in Titanic… Not when he’s dying, God no, when he’s standing out on the prow of that cursed ship saying, “I’m king of the world!” Yeah, yeah, that was me last night. ‘Cause I was giggling and I was happy and I was high and I just felt so damn good, so damn good to be alive… The night is my worst time you see, yeah, last night I had the Friday zoomies. And here it is again, I feel like I could just keep going and going but I can’t, I know I have to sleep ‘cause I gotta get up tomorrow and work out ‘cause if I don’t I feel like I’m gonna die, yeah I need that high, I need that fucking high… I gotta sleep, yeah I do. But gosh darn this feels so good like I don’t wanna come down, not like I did this morning. I woke up feeling like someone had beat the living shit out of me. That’s how I feel after every episode. I wish people understood that, how much it takes out of you. Yeah, I feel real, throbbing physical pain. I feel like I’ve been beaten half to death when I come off an episode. Yeah, yeah, I need sleep tho. Ok, ok.
Oh shit. Let me do my fucking daily connection before sleep. Here let’s see… Medication. How do I feel about medication? Well I feel like maybe I need it… Not even need, but maybe it would help me process my emotions better, be a supplemental treatment to the rest of my recovery plan (daily connections and independent processing, therapy, lifestyle)... And maybe that’s not a bad thing?
Emotions around the idea of going on medication:
Accepting, forgiving, self-reliant, secure, hopeful, strong, capable, calm, blameless, brave, courageous, content, curious
Trust/safe/grateful/cared for/supported/understood (Diana, PHRP staff)
FEAR/SCARED/UNSAFE/WORRIED (weight gain, losing myself again… I just found myself, I don’t want to lose me so soon, we’re getting along for the first time ever and that’s like totally cool! No, I don’t want to risk losing that…)
Hesitant, helpless, trapped, weak/inadequate/inferior (interesting… I always say shit like, “no shame in being on meds,” to other people… But maybe I don’t really mean that… I think I do judge/feel superior being off meds… That’s something to work on… Add it to the fucking list.)
Kk, so I gotta go to bed, but I’m so chatty and shit, but that daily connection kinda did help, but I don’t know, I’m so scared, but I better talk to Diana. Maybe there’s a med that doesn’t make you gain weight. And I can count calories, yeah, yeah… Every last one. Oh no, oh shit, that’s prob what Diana was worried about. Ug, idk ok??? Look I need to sleep, ok ok, I’m sorry. Anyways I’ll probably masturbate before I sleep, ‘cause yeah, I need that high, I need that fucking high… Also, hi hi, do you know what I was just thinking? I was just thinking about Jack Dawson and how Mr. Leo D could still totally get it, but also, no, I was thinking ‘bout that part, that part where Jack is on the prow of the ship talking ‘bout being king and he’s feeling so high, and I was just thinking that that poor baby didn’t know, he didn’t know he was gonna die… And that’s kinda like me, ‘cause one moment I’m feeling so good and so alive, and the next moment I’m going down, drowning and fighting for my life. And you know what I'm thinking now??? Well do ya??? Do ya??? I’m just thinking that you probably never feel more alive than the moment right before you die.
Kk, and on that note goodnight. But really I’m fine I just need some sleep. But I am ok, and I will be, and no, I’m not suicidal. Look, I’m totally well. I have a job and I’m gonna go to school and everything. Just like a healthy, normal girl. We’ll talk more tomorrow when I’m well. I’ll come down tomorrow. I don’t wanna tho, run run fast as I can, can’t catch me… Jesus… the fuck is that? Gingerbread man? What? Ok I need sleep. Goodnight. Goodnight. I love you and goodnight.
PS - Would you rather suck a dick or eat granola? HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Sunday 6/29/25
9:01 am
Hey, quick check in. Just wanted to let you know I’m OK. My zoomies were crazy last night. I'm still feeling pretty high and happy. I hope I don't lose that feeling, but I know I will. I dread the come down - the crash; it's brutal. Sinking, drowning. I guess even the king of the world isn't immune... I wanna stay high tho. I wanna stay happy. That’s all I really want, is to be happy. Sometimes I wonder why it’s so damn hard. These mood switches really take a toll on me, mentally and physically. I was just Googling bipolar meds while on the treadmill, but I don't think I can do it. The weight gain risk is too high. I'm too scared. I can't. If I gain weight I'll die.
Shit! Gotta go, so sorry! Talk more later! Oh btws didn't masturbate last night, no, I actually fell asleep... Crashed even... And so begins the dreaded come down...
8:19 pm
Checking in to do my daily connection and say goodnight. Today was good… Isn’t that beautiful? I feel less zoomie tonight, a little. That makes me sad though, I’ve been feeling myself come down, but it hasn’t been a heavy crash back down to earth. It’s been more gentle this time. So that’s good, but still, I’m sad. I was texting my friend less than an hour ago, telling them how I feel:
“I don’t wanna come down tho I hate the come down”
“I literally was so happy and laughy in the PM this week and feeling like I could go go go go”
“Love that shit”
“High outta my mind I swear it feels so good”
Yeah, I’m missing that high, high now. I’m missing it real bad. But I know it’s not healthy for me to be like that. That’s when I lose my sense of time, memory, and impulse control. That’s when things black out and I make bad decisions. That’s when I do anything to keep the high going, and make it more powerful. Spend money, drive recklessly, add another boy to my Burn Book. Yeah… I know it’s not good for me. But tell me why it feels so good… Ugh. I know I need to let it go. I need to keep working on being content and happy in a peaceful state. Which is pretty fucking boring tbh, like real life without the constant chaos and highs and lows of an untreated mental illness is bland. Like let me just work a 9-5, go grocery shopping, and see friends on the weekends. Just like a healthy, normal girl. BORING. But kinda beautifully so, don’t ya think?...
8:46 pm
Ok. I gotta go to bed at a decent time tonight, so DC time now, then sleep.
Earlier today I went on Instagram (never a good idea), and saw a wedding post, a bridal shower post, and a pregnancy announcement post. Sometimes I feel like everyone’s out there having a much better time than me… Or at least a much easier time than me. I wonder if I’ll ever get married. Honestly I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll ever find my person, but that’s ok, I’ve got you, and you and I are going to help people. BUT, if I ever do find my person, I don’t want a big wedding. I want to run off an elope in a suffocatingly tight, barely there, white mini dress, sky high heels, and cathedral length veil. We’ll go to Vegas or some shit, find some hopeless chapel that could use a smile, say our, “I dos,” then lock ourselves away and have some bomb ass sex. Fuck yeah, just like that.
Wait, what was I talking about? Oh. Yeah, Instagram, everyone is getting married, fucking, and having babies (not necessarily in that order). Everyone… Everyone except me.
Emotions:
Alone, lonely, sad, empty, unfulfilled, insecure, inadequate, inferior, hopeless, embarrassed, shame, bitter, jealous, let down, disappointed
But honestly, there’s a big part of me that’s really OK with that. Like I am very content alone these days. I enjoy being in my own company, and value my alone time with me. I’m a lot of fun! And I’m super busy just living my own life. I have a very self-care based/healthy lifestyle that makes me happy, I have meaningful relationships with family/friends/a supportive community,
I work a lot at a job I love and worked very hard to get, I'm planning to continue my education and go to nursing school… Then there’s you, not to mention the granola business I might be starting due to an abundance of energy (aka lack of sex). Anywho, so yeah… I might not be a glowing Mrs. who smells of sweet, tangy citrus with a baby on the way (Congratulations! For real, so sweet!), but that doesn’t mean my life is any less valuable. No, not at all. My life may look a lot different, but it’s sweet too… Like popping cherries in July.
Emotions:
Accepting, alive, beautiful, blameless, calm, capable, self-care, cherished, comfortable, confident, content, delighted, eager, excited, forgiving, fulfilled, grateful, happy, hopeful, joy, love, passionate, peace, pleased, quiet, safe, satisfied, secure, self-reliant, special, trust, warm
And with that, at 9:16 pm, I bid you goodnight. I pray you sleep well, and dream sweet dreams that smell of tangy citrus, and taste of cherries in July.
